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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you believe him? *title edited by MN*

152 replies

Blueandlilac · 24/09/2019 07:24

So he's away for work for 3 months in the Netherlands, we werent official before he went but he's been saying we will continue when he's back he really misses me etc.
He's met a few people out there and there have been touristy pictures of him. I went on his page and saw that it was all hidden now which I thought odd but didn't think any more of.
A girl came up on my 'recommended friends' as a mutual friend of mine and his.
I clicked on her page and low and behold it says they are in a relationship. Absolutely flabbergasted, because it says they got into a relationship a week after they met.
However, he's been texting me saying he misses me and cant wait to see me etc..
I screenshotted it and admittedly sent an angry message.
He replied very calmly saying they had 'fraped' him, and claimed he couldnt log in.
I felt so stupid and apologised, and he was kind about it. He wasnt défensive or anything at all.
But it still says on her page theyre together and why is his stuff hidden :/
Do people who are almost 30 really do frapes ? Not sure what to believe, I wanna believe it's true but does it sound like a lie ?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 24/09/2019 08:18

Yep, it's a vile phrase, which speaks volumes about anyone who uses it.

That's a little harsh! It's a commonly used term, I don't think it fair to make a judgement on someone's character because they used the word.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/09/2019 08:23

From a technical point of view, it'd have to be her that had used his Facebook - to change her status and then accept it on his, so that it showed. And then she'd have had to either moved you to a limited list, or hidden the post from you - unless his post settings are set to show friends except you already, which would carry over. Either way, it seems very unlikely. I have a few acquaintances around 30 who will post on each other's Facebook pages if phones at left unlocked and they've been drinking, but it's funny things, not changing relationship statuses to real people. Why would that be amusing to anyone?

I know you liked him but it's time to let this one go, he's not committed and he's a liar. I wouldn't even justify it with a goodbye message; just block him so the next time he wants some attention, you don't see it and don't have to fight the temptation to reply.

Derbee · 24/09/2019 08:23

Actually @Cherrysoup it minimises the severity of rape, and anyone who uses it is flippant and ignorant. It’s an offensive and immature thing to say, and it should be pointed it

LionKingLover · 24/09/2019 08:23

If he has restricted your view but others can see it that tells you what you need to know. Why would others 'frape' him and restrict someone viewing stuff... Doesn't even make sense. He's lying to you and done that so you can't see what's going on. Sorry op x

666onmyhead · 24/09/2019 08:25

Ditch this creep.

AMAM8916 · 24/09/2019 08:29

He has gotten into a relationship with this woman and put you on restricted viewing hoping you won't see it.

I would block him then send his new flame the messages he's been sending you with time stamps then walk away happily knowing you are not part of this childish rubbish anymore. Mostly make sure that you send the messages where he claims someone hacked him and that's the only reason it shows as him being in a relationship with her! Then he can get grief off someone else while you can enjoy your life :)

Beautiful3 · 24/09/2019 08:31

Message her and ask her nicely. You'll get the truth that way.

Honeybee0 · 24/09/2019 08:31

He's dodgy as.

If he wasn't being dodgy and deceitful then no woman would pretend and make up they are in a relationship together.

If he was committed to you this wouldn't be happening.
I'd dump him

Gottobefree · 24/09/2019 08:34

Contact the girl. Very strange she went onto his facebook and did that seeing as they aren't 13 ....

PurpleDaisies · 24/09/2019 08:35

Contact the girl

Why? It’s obvious what’s happened.

BertrandRussell · 24/09/2019 08:37

Ghost. Not worth a single second more of your time.

Chocolate123 · 24/09/2019 08:38

Why would you bother contacting him or the girl. You weren't official before he left so obviously a new relationship and it's not even that. Stop wasting your time and energy

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 24/09/2019 08:42

Do people really say things like "we're official" as well? Like, out loud?
I don't mean to be rude, but that combined with the FB statuses all sounds a bit teenage-drama.

(Caveat: I'm not on the current dating scene so I may be wildly out of touch. But if this is how it is, then happy to stay that way!)

kaldefotter · 24/09/2019 08:46

This is a man who isn't worth your emotional energy, yet you're dishing it out in spades.

Stop exhausting your emotional reserves trying to understand what he's doing or why or how or when or how often.

Ditch him and focus your energy on something positive that you find rewarding and not draining.

Perunatop · 24/09/2019 08:49

You are wasting your time with him. Block him and move on. You are unlikely to ever find out the whole truth about his time abroad and you will waste time and energy trying to find what you want to believe which probably isn't true.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/09/2019 08:51

Ditch him and focus your energy on something positive that you find rewarding and not draining

Excellent advice! Smile

RunsForGummyBears · 24/09/2019 08:53

Seriously, you aren't 'official' - he doesn't need to discuss what he's up to. 🤷 Learn your lesson from this and move on. If you expect monogamy from day one ask for it. It's not up to the other person set the terms it's for both of you to discuss.

T1gerEye · 24/09/2019 08:55

It's you again isn't it? Slightly differing details but you post about this constantly

meccacos2 · 24/09/2019 08:56

Yeah, he’s cheating on one of you.

My boyfriend of a year went overseas on a European tour and then suddenly I lost access to his photos on Facebook.

I had been stalking all the young girls he met on tour (just their names). After he blocked me I went and looked at one of the open profiles. There was one girl who was tagged in a bunch of photos with him half dressed, his arm around her - couple type photos which he had taken because he had a really good camera. He blocked me thinking I would never see these photos.

So I accepted a date with someone else.

A few days l before he was due back in the country, he called me & said “how’s it goin’?”

I was busy trying on a new outfit for my date. I said I would call him back.

When I did I asked if he had cheated and he said “I haven’t cheated yet” - he basically told me he would cheat if he had an opportunity as it was all my fault because we hadn’t had enough sex before he went overseas.

I was with him for a year and he didn’t want to make anything Facebook official, didn’t want me to meet his friends because “they don’t want to even know you”.

There was not one photo of me on his Facebook.

Yet, the cheap asshole wanted me to collect him from the airport.

I never spoke to him again.

He said everything to me to pull me in, told me he saw a future with me, loved me, wanted me to meet his family.

But when his dad stayed over his house I was not allowed to meet him.

This guy is using you. He has lied to you - no one does that - has someone hack their Facebook and put them in a relationship.

Blueandlilac · 24/09/2019 08:57

I'm just gonna stop wasting energy thinking. True we werent official but still. I think the whole FB thing is just dodgy, and it's still on her page, if it were some kind of hack itd probably be taken off by now but yeah, gonna forget the guy fully..
I don't know who 'me' is but i'm pretty sure there are a lot of us in this situation unfortunately lol

OP posts:
LIZS · 24/09/2019 09:11

He's telling you what you want to hear. You are way more invested than he is , I doubt he will be faithful for 3 months.

StarlightIntheNight · 24/09/2019 09:16

Sorry to sound harsh, but don't be an idiot. The guy is obviously lying to you! I have been through this during my late teens with a guy who lied. Not about FB stuff, but there were so many red flags. There is no smoke with out a fire. These are big red flags. Contact the girl. Its not crazy to just ask her. But men like these can easily make up lies to each and tell her you are a crazy ex etc. If she says they are in a relationship, you have your answer and cut him off.

ThirstyGhost · 24/09/2019 09:20

You were never going out. Just, "messaging daily" according to your last thread after a really on/off flakey start. You're clearly looking for something more serious than he is so just stop wasting your time and energy.

mummmy2017 · 24/09/2019 09:22

You need to know for your mental health send her some screenshots and as her if she knew about you, as your shocked to know about her .
Nothing more and see what she says.
To be honest your never going to trust him again, so walk away and save years of pain.

PurpleDaisies · 24/09/2019 09:25

You need to know for your mental health

No, she really doesn’t.