Housework Sharing...I don't want to be a nag!

[Debbierocket123]

I moved in with my partner a few months ago and we are planning the next steps on our relationship (marriage, kids etc). Since moving in we are really starting to get to know each other and for the best part we got on great and it's been lovely having him around. I just wanted to set expectations early because we have different attitudes towards housework. I feel like he lets me take responsibility for housework when really I want him to take ownership and just get on with things without asking my permission. It doesn't help that he's moved into my house but the other day he said "you're going to need to wash the covers again arn't you" and he sat on the sofa while I did all the housework. I ended up getting annoyed at him and he walked out. When I try and talk about housework I feel like it never gets resolved. Does anyone have any advice on how to split housework tasks? It is beginning to cause a rift between us and I really don't want it to get between our relationship?

If he doesn't want to do housework then chuck him out

You moved in with him; time to move back out and reconsider this relationship as a whole. This is who he is and such men do not change. Moving in with him showed him as being a lazy slob who regards the housework as "womens work".

Don't get me wrong he does do small things like the dishes and the occasional hoover but never does it properly or he'll hoover a tiny part of the room rather than the whole house. Other things like clothes washing, dusting, general cleaning and tidying he expects me to tell him to do it because he doesn't know when it needs doing...my response was "when it is dirty clean it, when it is full, empty it". I don't want to be patronizing but I feel like I am teaching him how to keep a house. He may be willing but it's like he's starting from scratch.

I would give him 'one' chance and have a sit down and spoonfeed him what needs doing. Maybe write down everything and now often you think it needs doing.
Eg - hoover every day / mop once a week.
Be prepared that nearly everyone has a different opinion on how often these chores need doing and different levels of hygiene etc.
Once you've written it down and essentially agreed and maybe compromised then agree a soft timetable that you're both happy with.
Yes it seems childish but honestly if you're in an otherwise very happy relationship I think he 'deserves' a chance to know your standards and to get it right.
Once you've agreed then it's up to him to action... then you'll know if you're compatible housemates or not

thanks Chillisauceboss, I thought about doing this but didn't want to sound like a "mother". After talking through this how long should I wait until I see a difference? I won't remind him I will just leave him to it.

How did he live before he moved in with you? Was he in a houseshare, did he have his own place or was he at home with mum? And what was the place like? Because if it was a tip and he never did his own laundry or cooked a meal, then you haven't a hope of training him now, I'm afraid. he's moved in with you to have someone to do it for him.

If he kept his own place reasonably tidy, it may be because he's moved into your place and he's not sure about your standards or what you expect and when. That's when lists (yes, like a mother) might help.

But generally, if they start out not helping with housework, there's not a damn thing you can do to make them. They can wait you out, and you end up doing it all.

I think I agree with Chillisauce, you shouldn't 'have' to do this, but if the relationship is otherwise good and you don't want to break up, then I'd agree a cleaning schedule. My DH and I are both pretty rubbish at cleaning so we agreed some daily jobs that get done in the half hour after we've had dinner (empty/reload dishwasher, put laundry on if basket full and fold/put away clean, wipe surfaces, water plants) and weekly tasks that we do for about 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon (clean kitchen, clean bathroom, hoover, mop, change bedding and towels, dusting, weed the garden etc). It's a bit boring/rigid having the routine, but it helps that we are able to dedicate some time together to doing the housework so no-one feels they are working while the other one sits around/no debate about who is putting more hours in. I do occasionally feel he's not as productive as I am in our cleaning hours and/or he feels I do a slapdash job as I swoosh around surfaces quickly while he scrubs behind the taps etc. - but we can deal with that.

You might have to slightly compromise your standards though if you are very houseproud and he isn't (or vice versa - how often does he think you need to wash the covers for instance!)...

Once you've agreed the schedule I'd leave him to it without nagging for at least a few weeks and if he still isn't doing his share then time for a serious rethink on the relationship!

Allocate the jobs half and half (do it together so it's not you telling him...). See if he'll agree to jobs that have to be done (rather than optional), e.g. shopping and cooking. He's in charge of all food/consumables in the house, making sure there's stuff in for lunchboxes (or whatever), and cooking dinner every night. Then it's all on him to solve. If something runs out, he goes to get it. If he comes to make dinner one night and he doesn't have the ingredients, he solves it (the mental work is part of the chore). Don't step in for him (unless he equally steps into help with your stuff on occasion).

In contrast, you're in charge of laundry, admin, vacuuming, etc that needs to be remembered irregularly.

I would think long and hard about carrying on in this relationship, especially if you are planning on having kids further down the line. Children create loads of work and adding them to an already unbalanced relationship will almost certainly make things worse.

He is either manipulating you so that you end up doing all the house work or he is genuinely blind to what needs to be done. If it's the latter then by staying with him you are committing to a lifetime of having to re-educate him as circumstances change and inevitably so does the work associated with maintaining a family and home. Will he not realise that the baby needs to be changed or that you're out of formula? Will he ever take responsibility for making sure that the kids go to the dentist and that they have a present to take to a birthday party?

Put simply, you are at the stage of life where it's easiest for a partner to step up and assume responsibility for their half of a relatively small workload. If he can't even do that then I would be seriously worried as the amount of domestic and childcare work ramps up that you'll be stuck with a hopeless and useless partner.

'If you cannot pull your weight living in this house then you need to leave. That's the bottom line. You can see when a bin needs emptying, when washing needs doing, when he carpet needs hoovering as much as I can. So either muck in, or leave. Your choice'.

"Nag" is a word used against women.

If a man does it, it's "remind".

And you shouldn't be doing either, this is an adult human we're talking about. He doesn't need reminding to go to work, does he? Or reminding to go to football at the weekend?

Stop tip toeing around him, don't let him threaten you with a bad mood or walking out. So what if he gets pissed off? He needs to take responsbility not just go storming off to have a tantrum.

I don’t understand how you just let him sit on his arse whilst you did everything.
Why didn’t you say ‘there’s stuff to be getting on with before we both sit down’
If he really is clueless and can’t see how it’s fair that he sits around while you do stuff, then it’s time to have a chat, let him know what tasks need to be done daily and if he can see they still need to be done, then just get on with it.
‘Nag’ as much as you need to or kick him out. I hate that word because it’s making out that the person who is frustrated is the one at fault, rather than the selfish lazy person doing nothing.

Thank you for the advice so far. He has lived with partners before but moved back in with his mum for 7 years while he was single. I'm not sure how the housework went down in previous relationships but his mum does everything for him while he's at work. So I guess he got used to the "cleaning fairy" doing everything. I have got to the point where I leave things for him to do and it takes him a while but eventually gets to it when he realises I won't. For example I put his towel in the washing basket and he kept asking me where it was. I said it needs washing so he took it out of the washing basket and used it - dirty. He is good with dishes I can't complain they are always done but everything else never gets done (even with reminders) until I get frustrated with it.

Oh yes I did tell him there is stuff that needs to be done. He said he just wants to sit down and he'll get to the housework but he always forgets. I told him if things don't change it could get in the way of our relationship. I feel like I tried everything but the more I say the worse he gets :( I really don't want to leave him because otherwise he is amazing he's just used to his mum doing everything for him.

This is non starter and it's very good you found out what he's like now before you've tied yourself for life to him by having kids.

You will be forever having to train him, remind him, etc and he'll never ever bother.

All the 'chats' and rotas and reminders and lists are pointless with a person like this because fundamentally, he doesn't give a shit and believes lifework is woman's work.

If that's okay with you to have a lifetime with a lazy slob who 'just doesn't see dirt' or needs you to chivy him to perform basic functions in life, by all means carry on with him.

But if you're interested in having a relationship with an adult who behaves like that, then cut your losses, do not fall for the fallacy of sunken costs.

'This isn't working out. We're different people and incompatible. You need to move out by the end of the month.'

He will never change.

I think 'nag' is a word that's used to try to shut women up and try to keep them in their place as others have said. That being said, a relationship in which you're constantly having to tell him to do things doesn't sound great for either of you. Maybe the solution is to mutually agree how often household tasks need doing - which might need some negotiations if you've got differing standards, and have a rota of who is responsible for what each week, or according to which housework suits each of you best, and he can have responsibility for when he does his share of tasks.
Sometimes I just can't face doing housework until the next day if it's been a long day and can let my standards slip for a day or two but keep the house clean overall, but DH has a similar tolerance to mess and cleanliness to me, so it doesn't cause an issue. But if he's persistently not doing his tasks and not pulling his weight overall then you probably need to reevaluate whether you can live with him long term and put up with it or not.

Debbierocket - he doesn't 'forget'. He really doesn't.

You should cut your losses and leave now. He won't change.
A lifetime of this awaits if you stay.

I really don't want to leave him because otherwise he is amazing he's just used to his mum doing everything for him.

Oh, god, one of these! You know, my mum did everything for us. Yet somehow we all managed to become functioning adults who pull our own weight in life and don't live in a squalid tip expecting someone else to wipe our arses. It's not hard to figure out.

He's not 'forgetting', he doesn't give a shit.

He's not 'amazing', he's lazy and immature and this will never get better. You throw kids into the mix and your life will be miserable.

I've brought up mine to run in the other direction from Mama's Boys or Daddy's Girls.

He has lived with partners before but moved back in with his mum for 7 years while he was single.

Yep, these women wised up and didn't want to spend their lives wiping his arse. He's happy living like a pig in muck, too lazy to wash his own towel. Fuck that.

So, if he sits down and 'forgets', you do it? And if you remind him that he said he'd do it, you're 'nagging'?

There's not really a middle ground here, is there?

Do you want to be his mum? He expects you to do it all now

Ever see that movie 'The Break Up'. He's Gary.

He never accused me of being a nag I just don't want to be miserable myself by moaning at him every day. He won't do something by me just telling him to, he will wait until I am annoyed and then he will go all out. But I just want to get out of this cycle. Do you think he really will never change? I will try and have one last discussion with him and let it known that if he doesn't buck his ideas up - it's over.

Do you think he really will never change?

Yes. He had already lived with partners, moved back in with Mummy and had been single for 7 years? He's well into adulthood now.

Having 'discussions' is just prolonging the cycle. He will buck up for a few weeks and then slide back into being a slob.

He doesn't care, Debbie. He thinks lifework is to be done by someone else. He's fine using a dirty towel rather than sticking on a load of wash. FFS that's just grim and lazy.