Housework Sharing...I don't want to be a nag!

[Debbierocket123]

I moved in with my partner a few months ago and we are planning the next steps on our relationship (marriage, kids etc). Since moving in we are really starting to get to know each other and for the best part we got on great and it's been lovely having him around. I just wanted to set expectations early because we have different attitudes towards housework. I feel like he lets me take responsibility for housework when really I want him to take ownership and just get on with things without asking my permission. It doesn't help that he's moved into my house but the other day he said "you're going to need to wash the covers again arn't you" and he sat on the sofa while I did all the housework. I ended up getting annoyed at him and he walked out. When I try and talk about housework I feel like it never gets resolved. Does anyone have any advice on how to split housework tasks? It is beginning to cause a rift between us and I really don't want it to get between our relationship?

Exactly, Rushian.

It's just not worth it.

Honestly.

When he comes home tonight, sit him down and tell him it's not working.

You want a relationship with a man, not a man child who can't push the hoover round properly or wash a towel.

Tell him to go back to his mummy and she can look after him as you are no longer prepared to.

I'm honestly shocked by these comments I never saw it this way and thought it could be resolved with adult discussion. I am going to have to make a hard decision. But do you think it is worth giving him an ultimatum to give him a chance to buck up? Yes he watched his mum do all these things for him. He offers to help sometimes but not often enough in my opinion. It doesn't help that he is from a different culture to mine and his family are quite "traditional" in their roles and expectations. When we decided to move in with DID have this discussion about house hold tasks and he assured me he would do his share because he loves me. It started out great I guess he was trying to impress...

But do you think it is worth giving him an ultimatum to give him a chance to buck up?

No. He will not change. This is who he is. He's well into adulthood if he's lived with several other partners and been single for 7 years. You have already tried having discussions, you've said that several times and just did again in your last post, he hasn't changed. This is who he is.

You're setting yourself up for a life of growing resentment at being taken advantage of.

Giving him chances won't change a thing. His assurances he'll change are meaningless, he has always shown you that, he fundamentally believes lifework is women's work. It's not 'helping' to behave like an adult in life.

I'd tell him it's over and ignore his assurances because they're false. His other partners figured that out, too.

Go on strike. Sit down and talk about it, explain what you have here and tell him that for 1 month, you are on a housework strike. Tell him you're doing it because at the moment, he's acting like he is on strike and leaving you to sort it all out. So you want him to see how it feels to come home to a mess and always be the one to sort it out.

He got his feet under your table and then took off the gloves. You' have to be a fool to waste more time on him. He's not an equal partner.

Going on strike never works. The mess just piles up and you wind up frustrating living in a tip because he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't care if the house is a mess.

Chats and discussions and conversations with people like this are like teaching a dog to read, a pointless endeavour.

and he assured me he would do his share because he loves me

He should do his share because he bloody lives there. Crikey, it's not doing you a favour because he loves you, it is him being an adult and adulting in a house that he shares with you.

Ah OP, I sympathise. He doesn't sound like he's beyond hope but he needs to shape up sharpish. My DH, then DP, was a terrible slob - oh my, the rows we had. He was awesome in all other ways but his standards of cleanliness were WAY lower than mine. How we coped: 1) we each did our own washing, hanging out and ironing. So if he didn't do his, he had nothing to wear - not my problem. If he used the same towel till it went stiff, up to him. 2) he did more of the cooking (he's a great cook) and we got a dishwasher. Whoever cooked, the other stacked the dishwasher & cleaned up That Same Night. No excuses. 3) we shared the food shopping. 4) an hour spent tidying up at the weekend. 5) no 'wifework' - he sorted his own social life, birthday cards, finances etc. I'll admit he still was crap at cleaning the bathroom and hoovering but he did it eventually (yes, I nagged). And like I say, he is fabulous in all other ways. Getting a cleaner was the only thing that finally ended the rows though.

He's now my DH and we have a child - he's completely hands on with childcare, we've never had a problem there at all. BUT I never would have dared procreate with him unless we'd more or less sorted the cleaning. It's a red flag - but if it's your only one, maybe you can fix it. Good luck!

In normal circumstances I would say sit down and have a chat and sort out a rota, to give him a chance, just in case he feels awkward doing things in your house. This is what I did when DH (then DP) moved into my house. However, if he just sits and watches you do all the housework and then tells you what else needs doing, without offering to do anything, then I would just dump him.

Woman after woman on here are telling you their experiences of men like this, they are sharing this so you don't have to go through the shit they have been through. Please listen to them.

Why, why are you putting up with this shit?

It will only get worse if you have kids. He has to know it’s an absolute deal breaker and non negotiatble.
Sitting watching you do house work would make me leave my DP unless he seriously understood and changed his ways.

Give him that chance if you need to OP but you make sure it’s only the one change and be firm on that decision for your own sanity.

I made excuses said ‘but he’s never done it before’ and ‘he’s lived with his mum so long’ and it was excuse after excuse and he would try and pretend to care and then a week or three later it was back to his normal slobbish self. Who he was to the core. Words don’t mean anything in these situations, only actions can prove it.

It might be worth looking in to ‘passive aggressive personalities’ and seeing if some of the behaviours match up to his. That helped me loads in understanding what I was dealing with. Always excuses but I realised in the end I would never win. Although it wasn’t about winning. It was about being fair.

He can see that this is important to you and yet he cannot meet you half way. Interesting when you think of it like this. Love is a verb OP.

Don't write him a list. It's not your responsibility to train him. Tell him he has 1 month to show he can treat you like an equal human being or you'll send him back to his mums.

We split the jobs down the middle. If he likes certain tasks he can do them every time. You just stick to your tasks. If he wants to use a towel more times than you do, leave him to it. But the shared tasks are non negotiable.

When I met DH he lived alone in a very clean house, and had special washing liquid for his woollen jumpers. Despite his mother trying to do lots for him he resisted. I realised this was a man with a work ethic and not someone who would dump it all on me!

Years down the line he has shared all domestic chores without needing to be 'asked' and done the same with childcare. When I herniated a disc and was literally stuck in bed for two months he took over doing everything. Tonight he's decided to muck out the utility as we've a new puppy arriving soon.

This is a man worth spending my life with, and the signs were there at the start. Please don't give your partner more than one chance to step-up!!

Um so, he said he'd do his share because he loves you. He started out ok, then he stopped. Ergo, he stopped loving you. Correct?

If so, he's already made the choice for you.

Honestly, I think it's a very different thing moving into someone else's home and trying to fit in with what and how they do thngs, than it is to move into a new place together. But, if he's had a chance to settle in, see how you do things and develop some routines together, then maybe it is time to draw a clear line about this.

Pragmatic, I know its wrong but I fancy your dh

Believe me there are times birds when he drives me mad, but he's pretty great on the important stuff. I fancy him too.

OP, you are making a big mistake in thinking you can resolve this problem with a rational discussion. Please understand that you are not dealing with another rational and reasonable adult here. You are dealing with millennia of ingrained socially-sanctioned sexism. Very few men who made it to ripe adulthood maintaining these beliefs will give them up willingly. Why should they? The status quo gives them enormous privileges. You can talk about love, respect and fairness until you are blue in the face, but you might as well be talking to a wall.

FFS. He should do his share because he lives there! Not because he loves you. He shouldn't be doing it for you, it's not a favour, it's part of being a functional adult.

I'm not as bleak on your situation as the other posters. I don't think it's worth breaking up an otherwise good relationship over hoovering. It's definitely worth a serious conversation about how this makes you feel about him. If he's otherwise the man for you then hire a cleaner and move on with your life.

But if it's part of a pattern of entitlement, laziness and lack of respect then he's a shit bloke in general.

No one on this thread lives with you, or knows what he's really like. A lot of people are projecting their own experiences here. Take it all with a grain of salt (but don't ignore it- there is some great advice here). Only you really know if he's worth it/if there is hope.

End the relationship or get a cleaner.

To me this is a relatively simple scenario - he’s fresh out of his mum’s, it’s your house, no dependents, not married.

Don’t need to divorce. Don’t need to divide up the lives of your children. No upheaval or years and years of shared contact (and associated logistics and seeing his annoying face at parents’ evening - or not) with kids. Or struggling to start a new relationship with complex step family dynamics.

Op, wake up. You’ll never have a simpler solution to this - tell him he is no longer welcome to share your life and to MOVE BACK OUT.

Because if you carry on like this - paragraph 2 will be your life.