Housework Sharing...I don't want to be a nag!

[Debbierocket123]

I moved in with my partner a few months ago and we are planning the next steps on our relationship (marriage, kids etc). Since moving in we are really starting to get to know each other and for the best part we got on great and it's been lovely having him around. I just wanted to set expectations early because we have different attitudes towards housework. I feel like he lets me take responsibility for housework when really I want him to take ownership and just get on with things without asking my permission. It doesn't help that he's moved into my house but the other day he said "you're going to need to wash the covers again arn't you" and he sat on the sofa while I did all the housework. I ended up getting annoyed at him and he walked out. When I try and talk about housework I feel like it never gets resolved. Does anyone have any advice on how to split housework tasks? It is beginning to cause a rift between us and I really don't want it to get between our relationship?

He's a chauvinist who has learnt behaviour from watching his father use his mother as a doormat and domestic help.

My DH doesn't do housework. Neither does he expect me to. Cleaner comes Tuesdays and Fridays. He pays. It's worked well for 330 years. Difference: he never expected me to do it when he wouldn't and he's a working class lad from a traditional background with a mother who stirs his tea for him.

30 years. Sometimes feels like 330

You’ve chosen to move in with a man with sexist attitudes and behaviours. 7 years living with his mother and not doing any domestic work was something you shouldn’t have ignored!

Easy to be charming to a girlfriend when your life is facilitated!

Work on your own internalised prejudices that expecting him to do a fair share of the domestic work (including the thinking!) and raising it with him if he doesn’t is “nagging” or “mothering”.

If he genuinely wants to become a good partner, he will step up. If he displays anger or other negativity when you raise the issues, or seems to agree but doesn’t step up, best end the relationship and look for someone likely to be nicer to live with!

Whatever you do don’t have DC with him. Having DC hugely increases domestic work and reduces leisure time. A man who won’t wash a towel for himself is unlikely to

So did you talk it through op? What was the outcome?

He's showing you who he is. Run for the hills. Us women can be bad for trying to change someone rather than accepting who they are.

“My DH doesn't do housework. Neither does he expect me to. Cleaner comes Tuesdays and Fridays. He pays”
Out of interest- who cooks and washes up on the other 5 days? Who shops, and does the washing? Who tidies the bathroom, straightens up the living room in the evening, sorts the recycling and puts the rubbish out?

We had a chat about the housework and he said he knows it bothers me but he forgets to do these things and he said he was sorry. I told him he needs to think of ways to remember because otherwise we won’t get very far. After this conversation he cleaned the entire house which is great but cleaning needs to be done more regularly not just for special occasions lol.

The 'get a cleaner' phrase is one of the most pointless pieces of advice. Unless people mean get a housekeeper.

BertrandRussell I cook and clear up. He empties the dishwasher and sweeps the kitchen. He also does all recycling and bins and wipes down outside paintwork. Everyone in this house leaves the bathrooms as they found them. I probably do a little more but he has always been out of the house working harder and longer so the load has always felt equal. He also deals with all bills and paperwork. I give him things to file for the house file. He is naturally tidy pernickety I am not but having said that the house is always pretty immaculate. I have never had to tidy the sitting room at bed time because everyone puts their stuff away, takes their wine glass to the kitchen and puts it in the dishwasher if it's not running.

The cleaner btw irons, changes bed linen and cleans. She never has to clear away dishes or wash up.

I would write up a chore chart and see if he starts doing his share. Honestly if he doesn't then don't stay with him.

I can’t be bothered to clean so I have a cleaner who comes in twice a week to clean and do laundry.

My ex wouldn’t let us have a cleaner as he thought it was a waste of money, we shared most things about 50/50 with me doing slighty more as I worked fewer hours than him. He used disagreed with my cleaning methods, such as vacuuming before dusting, or washing windows before windowsills. As I couldn’t do it right in his eyes I decided to go on strike, oddly enough he never moaned about my cleaning methods again.

I too got a cleaner when other half moves in.
He does the cooking (we shop together) and I do all the laundry stuff. Suggest bins are taken out etc and it's times for beds to be changed.
We both run round and tidy up before cleaner comes.

Maybe don't do his clothes and get a cleaner. Make him cook half the time which he can't "forget".

Different people have very different attitudes to how often things need cleaning. But it's always the one who wants it done all the time who is expected to "win"

Yeah, it's the having to remember that's the real chore.

Cleaning is just part of domestic work. Cleaner can be great, but won’t solve the problem if this is a lazy sexist man!

We had a chat about the housework and he said he knows it bothers me but he forgets to do these things and he said he was sorry. I told him he needs to think of ways to remember because otherwise we won’t get very far. After this conversation he cleaned the entire house which is great but cleaning needs to be done more regularly not just for special occasions lol.

It was not even a special occasion; you got on his case and he did the work so that you'd back off. Job done. Your relationship bar is still so very low here and ultimately you may well have to get jack the lad here out of your house.

He does not forget at all; he regards cleaning etc as womens work and not for someone as important as him to do. He did not "forget" when he said, "you're going to need to wash the covers again aren't you". He sat on the sofa whilst you did all the housework. You got annoyed and he walked out. Your mistake at that time was at all letting him back in.

When myself and DP moved in together he was very "mummy'd" I'm talking didn't even know how to work a washing machine . I made it very clear before we even moved in that he was to learn and that I certainly wasn't trying to be his mother / housemaid. 6 years later and I can honestly say we always do 50/50.

I think you need to have a serious chat about it and tell him this isn't something you plan to spend a good amount of your life going on about and it's as simple as him either doing it without being asked to , like a child , or he leaves.

Please don’t blame other women for men being crap. They are crap because they choose to be, nor because their “mummy*”
made them crap.
*So insulting to other women!

Yeah, and in those homes where the mum does everything, what’re the dads and DC doing?

“I forget”: an old chestnut! Along with “I just don’t notice it needs doing” “what, bin day?” or “your standards are too high”!

He never bothered to think about it because of sexist and / or selfish assumptions - that someone else would do his share of the work and facilitate his life!

Here you go again with the cycle of chats/discussions/conversations and his excuses (he forgets, doesn't see it, didn't think it was a big deal, wanted to relax after work) and a change in behaviour for a little while because he again forgets, didn't see it, blah blah blah.

You still think you can change this person if you discuss it enough. You won't. He's not a young kid just out of school. He is fundamentally sexist.

What Attila said. You are so desperate to hang onto this man you're willing to make yourself miserable, because this is exactly what will happen if you saddle yourself with kids by him.

I basically agree with all Timshelthechoice’s posts. However if you really want to give it another go, I’d try to couch the issues in terms he can’t ignore or pretend not to “get”.
What’s his job? Tell him you want one more discussion about fair housework division and then you won’t return to it.
Ask him if when he first worked at C.T. Engineering/ Addenbrookes/ Sirius Academy - he knew all the abbreviations and acronyms they use, all the systems, how they presented job sheets/ lesson plans/ patient records. Did he just sit at his desk/ stand on the shop floor and wait to be told what to do, and when and how to do it? And then again the next day? Repeatedly? For years? Do his colleagues or his boss have to remind him to do routine boring elements of his role in a timely fashion because he always forgets? Do they clear up his workspace/ write up his notes or reports/ do his admin/ plan his classes because otherwise it wouldn’t happen?
Or did he look about him when he started and observe what went on, trying to ask only the questions he absolutely needed to so as not to annoy his colleagues and come across as an incompetent?
Housework isn’t rocket science, if he can keep a job he can do housework. He just doesn’t prioritise it, and why is that? Probably because it lacks status, is tedious, and most importantly, up until now, it hasn’t had negative consequences for him. Quite the opposite, someone else has picked up all the boring shite he “forgets” or defers. Who picks up the mundane, unwanted tasks in the workplace? The lowest paid, least skilled employee or apprentice, that’s who. Is that how he thinks of you?
Tell him you don’t enjoy these chores either and you are sick of picking up the mental and physical slack.
If it doesn’t change, the same thing is going to happen that would happen if he behaved like that at work.
Tell him he can google best ways to clean the oven and the washing symbols on clothes. All your appliances have instructions and if he can’t find them in the house, they will be available online.
Ask him if he is really willing to be an equal partner, because if he thinks this is unfair he can go back to his mum’s straightaway.

A cleaner does not solve everything

Ours comes once a week and does all the main jobs but we still have to load/unload dishwasher, do washing, cooking etc. My dh does more dishwasher jobs than me, most of the washing for both of us and more generally in the house. I do most of the cooking.

Having a rota or a star chart so a grown man can realise that the house needs cleaning is just pathetic. He should be able to see using his eyes that something needs doing then do it. Not a difficult concept.

“Get a cleaner” is just a cop out for men.

OP might have time for “the cycle” if she is young, or doesn’t want DC. If however she/they are 30 somethings and she wants DC, she should assume that unless his behaviour changes v soon she’d be doing the vast majority of the work should she choose to stay!

He gets shit done at work, he doesn't have to be reminded at work, he doesn't 'forget' at work, he doesn't do a big production job at work for a special occasion.

He's only been there a few months and this is already a big issue complete with chats, him sitting on the sofa and doing FA, storming out, 'I forgot, sorry' with good behaviour followed by reverting to type.

I don't think getting a cleaner is a cop out for men. It contributes to the empowerment of women. My mother rarely supports me but she was quick to cut down MIL when she snarled that the cleaner could go now I had a baby. "Really Joan, did you bring your girls up to clean?"