Housework Sharing...I don't want to be a nag!

[Debbierocket123]

I moved in with my partner a few months ago and we are planning the next steps on our relationship (marriage, kids etc). Since moving in we are really starting to get to know each other and for the best part we got on great and it's been lovely having him around. I just wanted to set expectations early because we have different attitudes towards housework. I feel like he lets me take responsibility for housework when really I want him to take ownership and just get on with things without asking my permission. It doesn't help that he's moved into my house but the other day he said "you're going to need to wash the covers again arn't you" and he sat on the sofa while I did all the housework. I ended up getting annoyed at him and he walked out. When I try and talk about housework I feel like it never gets resolved. Does anyone have any advice on how to split housework tasks? It is beginning to cause a rift between us and I really don't want it to get between our relationship?

op he doesn't 'forget' to do these things he just doesn't remember because he doesn't value them. He probably doesn't even notice when these jobs need to be done.

I was married to someone like that and believe me it gets worse when you have kids. Fortunately we had a cleaner and I am teaching the kids to clear up after themselves but I can now see that the relationship was doomed because I wanted to live in a clean house and he didn't care. My current boyfriend lives in a clean and tidy flat and when he comes to my house tidies up after himself. Honestly op you can do better.

“I don't think getting a cleaner is a cop out for men. It contributes to the empowerment of women. ”
Not when men consider their contribution to the running of the household paying for a cleaner twice a week, leaving the day to day running of the house to the woman.

@OhTheRoses I have a cleaner and it's contributing to my empowerment. However I have mixed feelings about it from a feminist perspective because my cleaner is a woman, like the majority of cleaners I know.

It's a shame that in 2019 men are still shirking their responsibility to the home environment, and women 'empower' themselves by....getting another (poorer, often migrant) woman to do that work. Because it's so much easier than expecting a man to do it.

No judgement from me because that's exactly what I do, I just wonder sometimes about how low we set the bar for men.

I had an ex like this. It was just impossible. No amount of "discussion" ever helped. He'd reluctantly do a couple of jobs then "forget". He didn't "forget" he just considered himself to be more important than me, a mere woman. He had important work to be doing (well, it wasn't that important...) and important hobbies every night of the week. Whereas my time was not important and I should be "getting up earlier to do chores before starting work for the day" (I'm self-employed, work from home).
Since he went on his merry way my home is much cleaner anyway - he used to bring in dirt from work. There's half the washing to do and much less stress about cooking and washing up.
I still have some contact with him and took something round to his new flat. (This is the first flat he has lived in alone). It was a pigsty. Unfortunately I needed to use his bathroom. Absolutely disgusting. He's been in the flat for a couple of months and hasn't cleaned anything in the bathroom.
I said to him "The bathroom doesn't clean itself you know". He said he hadn't had time, he was too busy for things like that.
So he's happy to live in his own squalor now but when our shared home was anything less than perfect he'd start having a go at me about it.

I honestly don't believe your situation will get any better. They don't change OP - sorry, but they don't. They don't see why they should. They smile and nod and inside they are thinking "Fuck off, I'm too good for housework."

If his lack of cleaning and/or his attitude to you starts getting to you, bin him off. You're not compatible.
I don't like they way he said "You're going to need to wash the covers again, aren't you?". That's a bad attitude - really bad.

@BertrandRussell Cleaner twice a week here, no woman (apart from the cat) here to do the day to day running, even if there was (there won’t ever be) that wouldn’t be the case.

I could fire my cleaner, but then I would need to find a spare eight hours in my week to clean and do laundry. I would much rather pay my cleaner and reserve my evenings and weekends for my son.

You've enabled your DP to be lazy for several months. The time to set him straight would have been before you moved in together and then followed it through. How can he love and respect you and sit on his backside and watch you do all of the housework? Please don't have a child with him or you can add ALL childcare and associated tasks to your present long list.

I would tell him that I've changed my mind, would he please move out, I've decided to have a relationship with an adult instead of a lazy arse manchild.

My DH did change. Very slowly over time, but it happened.

For my DH, my brother and many men I know there was no model for shared housework at home. And no expectation that sons would contribute. They were completely unaware of so much. My dh is not stupid, but he genuinely had no idea of the amount of work involved in running a home.

It did cause rows. I did come close to asking him to leave.

I don't know if it's possible for your partner to change - the slew of other experiences suggests not. I wish I could tell you what made my DH change, but I can't. Possibly more exposure to feminism and the inequalities women face in general. Possibly more time at home looking after the kids by himself. Possibly less instruction on what needs to be done and more of a just get on with it attitude from me. Possibly he's just more mature. He definitely has noticed and talked about the what his parents shared tasks (or didn't) at home when he was growing up - and the fact that his grandparents actually shared housework in the previous generation.

Anyway, now he understands what it takes to run a house, he contributes proactively to the running of it.

We both agree that it will be totally normal for our sons to share the running of a house because they're exposed to it all their lives. And they are made aware of the amount of work involved. And they are expected to contribute.

Honestly, I would get a cleaner. Then for the rest of it. Divide up the chores and give him areas of responsibility. He does bins, washing, you do ironing. You cook so many days a week. He does the rest. Go shopping together for food or get it delivered.
You hoover one day, he does the next. He replaces toilet rolls you replace lightbulbs. Etc. If he doesn’t do it properly, get him to do it again.

“If he doesn’t do it properly, get him to do it again.”

Oh ffs- he’s a grown up!

Do you give him pocket money and take away his phone when he doesn't do his chores, too? He's an adult!

Hell no.
Out a few weeks ago.
He came back to mine (I know him, don't worry).
Left both toilets seats up.
Didn't make the bed although he was the last to get out of it.
If by his 50's he doesn't know to put toilet seats down in a female's house then he can get to fuck.
I won't be seeing him again.
I am not here to 'train a man' to be respectable and tidy.
Not a chance!!!!!

Exactly, hells.

OP, this issue comes up over and over again on MN. He won't change, IMO. So you have to decide if you can live with that. Or not. Personally, I wouldn't want a partner like that.

@BertrandRussell
He's an adult behaving like a teenage boy.