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Original poster

Housework Sharing...I don't want to be a nag!

114 replies

Debbierocket123 · 23/09/2019 10:53

I moved in with my partner a few months ago and we are planning the next steps on our relationship (marriage, kids etc). Since moving in we are really starting to get to know each other and for the best part we got on great and it's been lovely having him around. I just wanted to set expectations early because we have different attitudes towards housework. I feel like he lets me take responsibility for housework when really I want him to take ownership and just get on with things without asking my permission. It doesn't help that he's moved into my house but the other day he said "you're going to need to wash the covers again arn't you" and he sat on the sofa while I did all the housework. I ended up getting annoyed at him and he walked out. When I try and talk about housework I feel like it never gets resolved. Does anyone have any advice on how to split housework tasks? It is beginning to cause a rift between us and I really don't want it to get between our relationship?

OP posts:
Chillisauceboss · 23/09/2019 14:28

Give him one chance with explicit instructions. I say this coming from a place of hoping he heeds them and you live happily ever after.
I also say this because it's hard to break up with someone and it's hard to blame yourself afterwards and feel regretful. I like to make sure I put in effort and try to resolve relationship issues before I have to resort to breaking up with someone.
Or I dwell and (wrongly) tell myself I was hasty etc.
One chance, one detailed conversation maybe spanning two hours. One written up Rota. Then you know you have committed to moving the relationship forward and then it truly is his entire responsibility and if and when you have to call it quits you can tell him (and yourself) you tried.
I believe for the sake of one long conversation you owe it to both of you to try and steer this the way you want it to go.

timshelthechoice · 23/09/2019 14:35

Bet his ex's gave him chances, too. Rotas are for employees. She's had conversations. He's not interested. This is who he is. He can go back to Mummy she will wash his ickle towel.

You're wasting your time here, Debbie, unless you want your life to be a cycle of these 'conversations' and making rotas over who changes the baby's nappy because he'll always do it later, wants to relax first, CBAd.

Now you know why he was single for so long and all his other relationships broke down.

Orangepearl · 23/09/2019 14:38

Most of us have have gone through this at one point or another, theres a lot of them about.

Chuck him out, he wont change. Seriously.

Thornhill58 · 23/09/2019 14:41

Do a his/hers to do list daily, weekly so he knows what you expect him to do.
Please do not have children with him as you'll have another layer of problems.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2019 14:42

You are on a hiding to nothing with this lazy arse individual and you've already had conversations. Rotas are indeed for employees.

Now you know why his other relationships stalled. He thinks that housework is for women to do. He sees the mess as much as you do and does not care about it, he is not merely forgetting. Its that unimportant to him and he knows that eventually you will clear up after him.

BertrandRussell · 23/09/2019 14:45

“It doesn't help that he's moved into my house but the other day he said "you're going to need to wash the covers again arn't you" and he sat on the sofa while I did all the housework. I ended up getting annoyed at him and he walked out”

Dump.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2019 14:46

Please google “She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink” and the French cartoonist of “wifework”.

Those both deal with the emotional impact of this type of behaviour.

Tell him, bluntly, that leaving it all to you is deeply annoying, and waiting to be instructed or reminded is deeply unsexy. Tell him if he wants you to mother him then he shouldn’t expect you to also fancy him. Tell him to google housework tasks, come up with a rota and then discuss it with you.

He has lived with partners before but moved back in with his mum for 7 years while he was single

This doesn’t give hope. There was presumably a reason why previous living together relationships didn’t work out...

PissedOffProf · 23/09/2019 14:47

Dear OP, unless you are really really desperate to have children and cannot do it without another adult's financial support, terminate this relationship NOW. It is highly, highly unlikely that your partner will ever change. Run before you get bound up by children and financial obligations.

NOTHING that you do will work. You will waste precious years of your life on frustration and resentment. Your life opportunities will be limited because you will be spending your precious time doing the drudgework for another adult.

Get out now.

autumnleaves99 · 23/09/2019 14:55

My advice is to approach it from a perspective of discussing what each of you prefer to do or are good at, and dividing jobs up that way. My DH likes to cook so he does the majority of the cooking and he'll do a lot of the washing up even though he's not that fussed about doing it (we're definitely getting a dishwasher when we move house!). He's rubbish at cleaning and doing washing etc and I don't really mind doing those things so I take on those jobs.

Then we don't really see housework so much as a chore because we're both doing things we're quite happy to do, and appreciate the other one doing the things we don't like doing so much.

Original poster
Debbierocket123 · 23/09/2019 15:08

Thanks autumnleaves99 for your diplomatic response. I appreciate this because it is giving me hope. He doesn't mind doing dishes, DIY, hoovering or cooking so perhaps with a rota, a serious talk things could get ironed out in the end - excuse the pun!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/09/2019 15:16

Oh please don’t tell me he does the DIY and puts the bins out.....

Purpleartichoke · 23/09/2019 15:16

I have lived with DH for about 15 years now. He is actually great at domestic work compared to most of the men we know, but I still find him lacking because most men we know are awful. For years he asked me to make lists and I resisted. I didn’t want to be the organizer. I didn’t want to be the nag. A few months ago, I broke down and made a list of chores for the day. The two of us worked through it together. We negotiated who would do each of the least favorite chores so no one got stuck with all the worst jobs. It was amazing what writing it down did.

I know I shouldn’t have to assign chores, but our house is running so much more smoothly. I feel less resentment and DH truly is happy to be a worker bee.

Cherrypicker01 · 23/09/2019 15:16

Oh I’m so sorry my heart sank reading this post.

I was on here last year explaining about how the housework was all left to me by my ex last year.... eventually it got that bad that even me cleaning cat pee and crying on the kitchen floor at 2am whilst I was at work the next day and he was having a day off still didn’t get any sympathy off him. Then it lead to the ‘avoiding being at home’ so he couldn’t physically do the housework and then purposely leaving a mess to spite me. Then the real abuse started...

I’m with a wonderful man now who I never even ‘ask’ him to do a specific chore, because he understands he needs to take the initiative to think what needs doing rather than being asked. He will tell me to get ready for bed whilst he offers to do the dishes at night - and doesn’t make me feel bad about it. I will come downstairs in the morning and there’s a brew ready waiting for me and he’s got the vacuum going. At first I was shocked. And then I realised that actually, it’s totally normal. Housework is everyone’s responsibility. It is shared. Even assigning the house tasks shouldn’t be left to the woman. I’m coming to realise that now

It isn’t just about him being lazy OP. It’s about him being too selfish to care for your needs. This man does not love you. If he did, he’d apologise and pull his weight the first time he was asked.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2019 15:19

The key thing, though, is that you need to make HIM responsible for drawing up the rota - because you don’t need one, HE does. By his own admission he “doesn’t know when things need doing” so he has to put in the legwork and set up a system FOR HIMSELF. By all means you can have input and discuss it with him but he needs to take ownership.

Otherwise he’ll still be seeing that you are “in charge” of the shitwork.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2019 15:20

Its interesting how you latch onto the one person who tells you what you want to hear above all the other comments.

That OP and her H are and work as a team; this man you're living with and you are most definitely not a team. Your man's only concern is getting his own needs met whilst you clean around him. His ex's likely got rid of him because of his laziness back then also.

Cherrypicker01 · 23/09/2019 15:21

A bit of advice as you asked. Maybe if you want to work it out have a serious talk and use the “if I’m up doing, you’re up doing” approach. Meaning you work together, you relax together. All is fair.

MrsRufusdog789 · 23/09/2019 15:25

Acquired Ineptitude Syndrome
(AIS) is a condition common to many men and some women .
You have a domestic task to perform and aim to do it badly .
When remonstrated with you perform the task to an even lower standard and contrive to make your fellow worker grateful for carrying out the task at the lowest standard possible .
If you stick it out long enough the task will be removed from you .
Result - success for the sufferer of I.E.S .

madcatladyforever · 23/09/2019 15:26

I was treated like an unpaid maid and Gardner for 20 years despite being the main wage earner. He's gone now and I swore it would never happen again.
It will niggle and worry away at you until the relationship is destroyed or you decide you can't take the aggro and just do everything.

I'd tell the lazy man child to shape up or ship out.

PissedOffProf · 23/09/2019 15:27

OP, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it IS a fucking duck! Trust your eyes and not some vague feeling of hope.

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/09/2019 15:43

He has lived with partners before but moved back in with his mum for 7 years while he was single
There it is - he's a man-child.
He has ALWAYS been like this and i bet it was an issue in his previous relationships too.

He KNOWS what needs doing cos he watched his mum do it all - whilst he chose to put his feet up.
Now he's playing that age old game of "i'll pretend not to see/know what needs doing so she will be forced to keep telling me....she'll eventually tire of that and just do it herself....cos i'm such a good catch that she will feel like she has no other choice".

Don't play that game OP.
You shouldn't even need to tell him once.
Personally, i don't understand how people move in together without discussing things like this beforehand....or have the patience to teach a grown man the basics of housework/mental load.

I'd tell him to move back out and start learning how to think for himself re housework....mind you he'll just go back to Mummy and carry on as normal.

Cherrypicker01 · 23/09/2019 15:46

“I’ll get to it” - also a huge red flag here as it’s a passive aggressive comment, another one of my exes tricks. Saying he’ll do it without actually committing to doing it. And when you ask again it will be ‘I said I’ll do it’.

If he says that again, ask him when. Then see if he follows it through. If he doesn’t, I’m sorry OP but you’ll have a battle on your hands.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/09/2019 15:49

This man does not love you. If he did, he’d apologise and pull his weight the first time he was asked

Quite.

I'm so glad you're happy now @Cherrypicker01

mclover · 23/09/2019 15:53

If this annoys you now ... wait till your working, doing all the housework and all the child care! You'll hate him. Nip it in the bud now.

timshelthechoice · 23/09/2019 16:32

He doesn't mind doing dishes, DIY, hoovering or cooking so perhaps with a rota, a serious talk things could get ironed out in the end - excuse the pun!

Yep, keep on flogging that dead horse out of sheer desperation to have a baby. You see this played out every week on MN, every week, women tethered to a lazy arse they thought they could change with rotas and training and chats and chances and chivying at the ends of their tethers because now they have children with the lazy arse. You'll give him a rota and he'll 'forget', say he'll do it later, wants to relax as he's stressed from work, didn't see it, etc. because he knows you will put up with it and end up doing it and even if you get annoyed, hey, he got what he wanted and he'll do more PA shit like walking out to keep you in your place as the house elf.

He's been in your house a few months and already the gloves have come off and he's showing you what he's like.

He will never get better, he walked out when you pulled him on his laziness last time, but hey, sometimes you can't stop trees from walking into a fire.

RushianDisney · 23/09/2019 16:38

Imagine if men worried about being lazy slobs and not pulling their weight as much as women running themselves ragged doing everything worry about being a 'nag'. This guy is unlikely to do a 360 and change his lifelong views on chores, at best you'll get a temporary minor improvement. Kick him out, if you want children don't have them with a man child.