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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend gone on holiday without telling me

126 replies

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 14:25

Can I have some other peoples views on this situation please ?
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (52) for over three years. I’m early 40s, two kids, not his. We don’t live together but very nearby. We see each other every day mostly, but often not for long due to work schedules - me days him nights .
We haven’t been getting on very well lately but have a holiday booked in three weeks time - just the two of us to try and get back on track.
Yesterday I couldn’t get hold of him - he then messaged me from the airport saying he is on his way abroad for a week with work friends. He didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy and he didn’t want the agro from me before he went .
And this is true I would’ve been angry because one of our main problems is that we don’t do much together and he often just does his own thing.
We had a conversation on the phone this morning and I heard his friend in the background so he isn’t with another woman. But we argued and I said he has lied and been deceitful and I am very unhappy he has gone without telling me - but he replied I proved his point in that I was angry .
So it’s a vicious circle .

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to be angry - he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong .
I have no one in real life to ask so I am after some others opinions .

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/09/2019 14:29

Well, you did prove his point!

And that makes him a self serving twat! Nobody who valued a relationship would go that?

It doesn't sound as though you bring each other much joy, maybe use the week to give him from your life?

SconeofDestiny · 22/09/2019 14:30

Ditch him.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who deliberately wanted to hurt you by going on holiday without telling you beforehand?
He clearly enjoyed his 'told you so' moment.
He really doesn't sound like a nice caring person and surely you'd be better off without him?

smemorata · 22/09/2019 14:30

It sounds like you have completely different ideas of what your relationship is.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/09/2019 14:30

Remove!! Remove him from your life.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 22/09/2019 14:31

You don't need to go out with an inconsiderate, evasive arse.

What outcome would you like, do you think?

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 14:34

I think I tolerate too much from him, partly because I don’t know anyone else here where I live and partly because I have low self esteem.

He asked if we are still going away together and said that he knows he should’ve told me he has this holiday .
But I just can’t get my head around the deceit.

And no he isn’t bringing much joy to my life at the moment .
I think I need to do some serious thinking this week.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/09/2019 14:37

Dump him. He won't change and he makes you unhappy.

Can you go on the holiday alone or with someone else? I wouldn't go with him and wouldn't let him take my place, either.

GreenTulips · 22/09/2019 14:40

You need to explain why you feel angry

I’d it because he didn’t tell you
Is it because he went without you

My husband goes away quite a lot and I’m happy he can relax with friends and have nice experiences
He’s had golfing trips and stag weekends on top of work trips
But I’m kept informed so I can plan

I wondered if you are a bit needy as you don’t know anyone else? Perhaps you need to address this first?

purpleolive · 22/09/2019 14:42

It is shocking he's gone on holiday without telling you, but you need to ask yourself why he didn't tell you. It's not your place to get angry at him for going on holiday for a week, you're grown adults with quite separate lives and presumably separate finances, he's going on holiday with you soon so it isn't at your expense. He shouldn't have to be worried about your reaction. Not that I agree with his actions either.

It doesn't sound a very healthy relationship.

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2019 14:46

Bit much calling op "needy" just because she's pissed off her boyfriend has taken himself off abroad and been an immature dick about it.

Op, it seems he doesn't have the maturity to speak to you like a normal adult about his plans. He knows he barely spends time with you as it is, and knew full well going off with his mates would be yet another emphasis of how little he prioritises you.

cheeseislife8 · 22/09/2019 14:48

So he kept it from you and now he's feeling smug because you reacted how he thought you would! The arse.

It sounds to me like you've each got a different idea of what your relationship is. But whatever it is, evasive and deceitful behaviour are unacceptable

xtinak · 22/09/2019 14:50

What he did isn't what you should expect from a boyfriend. I'm not sure where you go from here. Rather than expressing your anger towards him (though your anger is nonetheless totally reasonable and valid) and trying to get him to see that he's done something wrong, could you instead just try to focus on expressing to him how it made you feel? Because maybe he doesn't get that? Like say that it made you feel hurt and embarrassed that you would be the last to know his plans and disappointed that you wouldn't get to see him when you were looking forward to it. And ask him for the solution. Say, it's important to me feel properly included in your life but you keep me at arms length - how can we move forward? Don't apologise for how you feel. Be convinced that you deserve his full respect.

And if you're not getting what you want and deserve from this relationship, believe that there is something better out there for you!

LittleSweet · 22/09/2019 14:59

He did something that he knew would upset you then criticised you when you were upset. I don't think there's much to think about...You deserve better.

FairyBatman · 22/09/2019 14:59

You may have proven his point by reacting, but he has also proven yours by treating you this way in the first place.

Sounds like you want different things and it’s time for a long hard think.

Butterymuffin · 22/09/2019 15:02

Spend the week finding someone else to go on the holiday you've booked with you. And don't contact him again while he's away. He wants space and to do his own thing? Fine, he can have it in spades.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 15:06

Thank me for all the replies.
I am not angry he has gone with friends- it is that he didn’t tell me. We sat on my sofa Friday afternoon and I asked what is he doing at the weekend and he said he didn’t know yet - but he did know because he had a holiday to go on .
So it’s the lies and deceit that hurt .

I probably am needy - he is more an avoidant and I’m more anxious, so not a great combination .
I would like to spend more time with him than he does with me.
I do a lot of stuff without him already due to work times.
He said I would go ape shit that he’s gone without me and yes he was right. Maybe I didn’t have the best response and he knew I would be like that. So I can see why he kept it a secret .

But for now I just don’t know how I handle this . Part of wants to tell him to F off out of my life forever but part of me wants to resolve the situation.
He has messaged me saying he isn’t cheating and that’s it’s just a boys holiday (as he knows I am insecure about cheating) but I have ignored the message. I can’t bring myself to even respond yet.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 22/09/2019 15:12

3 years together but no living together. Surely the conversation about doing must have come about and clearly it's been decided that it was better this way.

It seems to suit him for then you. He wants more freedom than you do. You don't seem to want the same from each other or the future.

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2019 15:13

He did something that he knew would upset you then criticised you when you were upset. I don't think there's much to think about...You deserve better

^^This. You deserve better. If after this he's not willing to bother making more time for you, I think you have your answer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2019 15:29

Your second paragraph in your post of 15.06 contradicts the first. No he wasn’t right. He is gaslighting you. He’s telling you it is a self fulfilling prophecy when it isn’t. He didn’t tell you because he doesn’t deal with conflict well and preferred to hide the truth from you (and the ire he decided you would rain on him) until it was too late. When you asked him a direct question, he blatantly lied. There was no truth stretching. That’s not on you, that’s on him.

Your relationship doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. You’re either ok with this situation or you’re not. You may well be as you are a busy working mum. If you’re not, don’t get bogged down by how much time and energy you’ve invested.

Bouffalant · 22/09/2019 15:31

You don't sounds compatible unfortunately.

ravenmum · 22/09/2019 15:37

He sounds awful OP. Sets you up so that if you are angry when he lies to you, that supposedly explains why he lied to you. What an irritating little shit. What is there to think deeply about? I wouldn't need to think about this one at all!

ravenmum · 22/09/2019 15:40

I'd be tempted to simply not get in touch any more, and if he contacts you asking what's wrong, say that you've broken up with him, but didn't want to tell him as you knew he'd be pissed off.

ohfourfoxache · 22/09/2019 15:46

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship.

Dump his arse and find someone who deserves you

AgentJohnson · 22/09/2019 15:48

The vicious circle is that he is a selfish twat, who doesn’t like to be challenged on his twatery and when you do, he’s even more of a bigger twat.

This is who he is and you can’t stop him being a selfish, entitled arse. The choice is either stay and watch your self esteem tank further, or leave and work on your low self esteem without it being under the constant pressure of this idiot.

Don’t waste more of your time by waiting for him to be something he clearly isn’t.

Raphael34 · 22/09/2019 15:52

Definitely what raven said