Boyfriend gone on holiday without telling me

[Fidgety31]

Can I have some other peoples views on this situation please ?
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (52) for over three years. I’m early 40s, two kids, not his. We don’t live together but very nearby. We see each other every day mostly, but often not for long due to work schedules - me days him nights .
We haven’t been getting on very well lately but have a holiday booked in three weeks time - just the two of us to try and get back on track.
Yesterday I couldn’t get hold of him - he then messaged me from the airport saying he is on his way abroad for a week with work friends. He didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy and he didn’t want the agro from me before he went .
And this is true I would’ve been angry because one of our main problems is that we don’t do much together and he often just does his own thing.
We had a conversation on the phone this morning and I heard his friend in the background so he isn’t with another woman. But we argued and I said he has lied and been deceitful and I am very unhappy he has gone without telling me - but he replied I proved his point in that I was angry .
So it’s a vicious circle .

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to be angry - he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong .
I have no one in real life to ask so I am after some others opinions .

there is obviously a reason he decided not to tell me and that’s because he didn’t want to deal with my response

Not quite right, he didn’t tell you because he enjoys getting this kind of response out of you. He did it all this way on purpose. He is a shit, and an emotionally abusive one at that.

@ravenmum I'm 64. Difficult to know what term to use. Gentleman caller perhaps?

OP you’re wasting your time analysing this relationship and what others think, or would accept. You’re not even clear with yourself.
In some posts you agree that you’d have ‘gone apeshit’ about his holiday despite already having time away together on the calendar and in another post you say if he’d been honest you wouldn’t have minded.

He’s wholly in the wrong for his bare faced lie, but surely you can see that a relationship where one party feels the best course is deception, isn’t a relationship worth anything at all. It sounds very much like you both wanting someone there rather than what you feel for each other.

Maybe you’d feel less needy and insecure if you were with someone who wanted the same out of a relationship as you want?

You poor thing Fidgety.

Him saying that you would have gone 'ape shit' is really unfair. This is your reaction to 1) him going on holiday with other people and 2) keeping you in the dark about it. If he had told you when he was considering it, then you may well have still responded badly but it would have been for one reason rather than two and you would have (maybe begrudgingly?) got over it in time. He has now destroyed any trust you have in him.

You are not to blame for him behaving like this. He is making you feel insecure and it's no wonder when you hear all the things he has said to you that damage your self-esteem.

This isn't the right guy for you. You want someone that is as devoted to you as you are to them. You need joint interests and to have a shared vision of the future. You can be ok with them spending time with friends or not ok wth it - if this doesn't work in your relationship then you need a different one. Me and my husband live in each other's pockets and we love it. We see our friends too but we much prefer to spend our time with each other and we both feel this way. This wouldn't have worked for me in any other relationship and it doesn't work if you feel differently.

@MarianaMoatedGrange I guess the word "boy" sounds wrong, so anything from the thesaurus without "boy" in it, maybe:
lover, sweetheart, loved one, love, beloved, darling, dearest, man friend, man, escort, suitor, wooer, admirer, worshipper, follower
I quite like "worshipper" I suppose...

I think it could be useful to analyse what's going on in this relationship, ... just not as a means of improving this relationship. To improve the next one, or to improve your self-esteem.

You don't live together

If he can afford it, there is absolutely, no reason why he cannot go on holiday with his friends or family. Have several holidays with different people.

He didn't tell you, because of your reaction

I have holidays with different people & always have done. So do other people I know

I assume, that you don't trust him ?

It's not the holiday it's the deceit.
When asked what he was doing at the week end he said not sure - knowing full well he would be on his jollies!!

But that aside telling op no would want her previously- just nasty.

I would be so upset by that, sorry OP.

He didn't tell you, because of your reaction

He says he didn't tell the OP because of her reaction. Not quite the same thing.

He has a habit of turning even a normal conversation Into one about how much I will always be here and I’ll never leave (move back to my old town) and that I will never leave him
He thinks he knows how your mind works OP - and he's using that info to manipulate and emotionally abuse you.

We sat on my sofa Friday afternoon and I asked what is he doing at the weekend and he said he didn’t know yet - but he did know because he had a holiday to go on
He chose to tell you a bare faced lie - cos he didn't want to admit that he CAN make time for you to do things but just doesn't WANT to.

he said if he asked me to marry him I would say yes because I would like the challenge and enjoy the drama. (I said I wouldn’t)
He's gaslighting you, making you doubt your own feelings/responses/actions.
Yes, you do come across as a bit needy but guess what? That's actually normal - it's normal to have needs.
He's choosing to ignore/not meet your needs so when you quite rightly feel frustrated he's turning that back onto you again and making you out to be needy in an unhealthy way and a drama-llama.

I don't know why you want to be with him or what there is to think about really.

Wow what a bizarro thing to do.

His replies too - he sounds like a right toss pot.

I wouldnt show that you’re annoyed OP he sounds like the type that would get kicks out of knowing he’d done one over on you. I certainly wouldn’t be there when he got back.

What an absolute loser, you deserve better.

There’s a lot of interesting thoughts in your replies.
We haven’t had a holiday together yet - just the two of us abroad - we have both been away with our own families etc or had weekends away but not a proper holiday and it’s been an ongoing problem - hence the holiday finally for us in a few weeks.
He knows I would’ve been upset and angry that he has chosen to go with his mates again before we’ve even had our holiday. I rhink I feel that way because I feel second best - that he is prioritising a lads holiday over one with me. And I know that sounds pathetic as we have ours booked in a few weeks. It’s just how I feel.

Posted too soon - so that’s why he says he didn’t tell me , so I couldn’t put a downer on his holiday before he went .

He's 52 and cannot be a mature adult and just say I'm going away you don't just not tell a significant other something like this just in case they might get cross.

I think you should sit on it for a while, concentrate on making new friends and going out more. Join clubs, walking, knitting, book club,WI whatever gets you out meeting people.

befriend the new friends on facebook, I've made loads of friends through friends of new aquaintances on facebook. Social media is great, it's much easier to meet new people now than it was when I was young in the 80's.

I have a feeling that when you have a new group of friends you can then review this relationship with new eyes, not soley relying on him for friendship.

Read robin Norwood women who love too much.

What are you going to do about the holiday?

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my (our) holiday yet . It’s expensive and I can’t get any money back. Maybe I will go by myself.

seriously stop playing games and dump his ass.

You clearly arnt happy and not speaking him to for a week to see how you feel is just playing games.

he dosent respect you, its a clean easy break as you dont live together!

Have you paid for the holiday in full, and is it in your name? I would either go by yourself or ask a friend to come and get double room changed to a twin. Even if you went alone you'd get down time and you might make friends anyway.

What I wouldn't do is ask him if he's still coming, or talk at all about it now. Radio silence.

Flights and car hire are paid in full. Hotel is refundable. All In my name fortunately. I don’t have any friends that would be able to go.
I know a few people who live over there though as I’ve been before so I could easily go by myself.

It will be my decision what happens with the holiday - not his.
I am just feeling like I’ve been taken for a complete fool right now.

Ask your friends ANYWAY, you never know...

Then either go with one or go on your own.

Do not give this bloke another thought

He’s showing you who he is, which is manipulative and controlling, he will erode you to nothing.

You KNOW what he’s done to your self esteem and happiness

He makes you sad generally

Life is too short for men like him.

I recommend still going on the holiday - alone. He sounds like an immature dickhead.
Cut contact, ignore any efforts at weedling his way back into your life.
He’s chipped away so slowly at your self esteem that it’s not there anymore and it’s time to build it back up again. You are worth far more than this treatment lovely, put yourself first

Yes, if you can go by yourself and have a really great time - relax, do what you want, when you want, and get things in perspective. Hope you have a lovely time and come back ready to shake things up a bit.

My boyfriend of 2 years did the same today

He's setting himself up as the prize and you will be in the role of being increasingly needy. It will boost his self esteem and diminish yours. It's not making you happy. I'm afraid you need to drop the rope here.