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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend gone on holiday without telling me

126 replies

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 14:25

Can I have some other peoples views on this situation please ?
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (52) for over three years. I’m early 40s, two kids, not his. We don’t live together but very nearby. We see each other every day mostly, but often not for long due to work schedules - me days him nights .
We haven’t been getting on very well lately but have a holiday booked in three weeks time - just the two of us to try and get back on track.
Yesterday I couldn’t get hold of him - he then messaged me from the airport saying he is on his way abroad for a week with work friends. He didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy and he didn’t want the agro from me before he went .
And this is true I would’ve been angry because one of our main problems is that we don’t do much together and he often just does his own thing.
We had a conversation on the phone this morning and I heard his friend in the background so he isn’t with another woman. But we argued and I said he has lied and been deceitful and I am very unhappy he has gone without telling me - but he replied I proved his point in that I was angry .
So it’s a vicious circle .

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to be angry - he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong .
I have no one in real life to ask so I am after some others opinions .

OP posts:
Caucho · 22/09/2019 17:08

Also to play devils advocate maybe he knows why you’re still hanging around. It’s hardly an endorsement or pleasing for the soul to know someone is only with you because they don’t have anything else to do.

I’d feel shit. However this bloke seems like a wrong un so isn’t me rushing to his defence. The relationship sounds shite though and needs terminating. It really doesn’t matter which of you is in the right or the wrong. If it’s him, which most people agree with, the only solution is to leave. Nobody has suggested any positive ways of making it work or be better than what it is

Savingforarainyday · 22/09/2019 17:10

@SherbetSaucer
To be honest yes! You don’t live together and your children are not his. I’m not sure that he is obligated to tell you anything

Really??
Really??!!!!

Based on your model of relationship, it would be impossible to build enough trust to get to the point of living together etc.

Shock
Caucho · 22/09/2019 17:20

Yes it’s a joke he could have a cosy night in and not mention it until at the airport. Semantics and extreme pedantry beside, he has blatantly and unapologeticly lied and treated you with contempt. If you don’t dump him for it then he’ll just continue. Perhaps once the dust settles you do have to question some of your actions but that’s in relation to future relationships not going similar. This one is dead and he doesn’t seem to like you much and you’re there as no have no alternative rather than any positive reason

FreshwaterBay · 22/09/2019 17:21

Dump him. He won't change and he makes you unhappy.

Or he could dump you. You won't change and he is unhappy being with you.

Same end.

helpmum2003 · 22/09/2019 17:26

I'd end the relationship. You're not happy and you say your confidence is much reduced to before.

Why would you stay? Why do you not know anyone else where you live?

helpmum2003 · 22/09/2019 17:27

Mean stay in the relationship

Minionmomma · 22/09/2019 17:30

@SherbetSaucer oh come on. Just because they don’t live together or have kids together does not make it acceptable to lie. He has bare face lied on the Friday when he said he didn’t know what he was doing and lied by omission by failing to mention the holiday at all. That must have taken some calculation. OP if you let him treat you like this then he will completely lose respect for you. And evidently the respect is lacking as it is. I speak from experience. Ignore him. Do exactly what @ravenmum said. That would be the sweetest revenge.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 17:36

I had to move away from my home town - for reasons unrelated to this - so I moved here a year ago . We had been in a ldr for the first two years.
Things have got worse since I moved here. I think he preferred the convenience of only seeing me at weekends before.
When I moved here he was the only person I knew . I’ve met people through work - but not made proper friends that I could meet up with etc out of work.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 22/09/2019 17:51

He's making out that you are controlling, unreasonable and/or get angry with him if he wants to do things. The old sexist cliché of the poor man under his gf's thumb. You don't sound like that person at all. Is he putting you down in other ways, too? Sounds like he's making you beg for crumbs of his attention? No wonder your self-esteem is on the floor right now.

I don't live with my bf of almost 3 years either. He wouldn't do this to me, I wouldn't do this to him. He's 55, I'm 50, we're both adults and don't play games.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/09/2019 17:59

OP You say you are mostly sad, how sad does he have to make you before you end it?
The longer you leave it the worse your self respect will be.
You need to do a bit of L'Oreal hair swishy stuff and tell your self You're worth it.
He's an absolute tit. I wouldn't spit down his throat if his tonsils were on fire 🔥

tribpot · 22/09/2019 18:02

I suspect the 'accidental' phone-and-hang-up on WhatsApp was trying to reel you back in, so that he could then have a huff when you called him back 'can't I have a moment's peace/what do you want to harangue me about THIS time', etc.

Unless you need WhatsApp for sorting out school things or work, I would uninstall it and let him have his week with his friends 'uninterrupted'. Of course, this will turn out to be wrong when he gets back as well but it will give you some much-needed headspace.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 18:03

The more you write the more this relationship sounds like an absolute headfuck and waste of time!

The only benefit of being with him is that you are with someone... you're leaving yourself no room to meet someone lovely because you're wasting years on someone you aren't compatible with!

You both sound like you're over it and like it's just a matter of time. So bite the bullet and be the one to do it.

Don't let an unhealthy relationship like this take up more years of your life more of your headspace!

Zucker · 22/09/2019 18:04

Ditch him. He's playing with you.

Tighnabruaich · 22/09/2019 18:41

I think he is hoping to provoke you into finishing it, thus making him the good guy, the poor victim.

Notmoresugar · 22/09/2019 20:41

That's a really mean and selfish thing to do.
I never say ltb, but seriously would if someone treated me that utterly appallingly.
You're lucky, you've got no ties with this arsewipe of a bloke.

Sleepyhead19 · 22/09/2019 20:44

He didn’t care enough to tell you is the reason and he wanted to go regardless of how hurt you’d be. That’s not a relationship which will go anywhere.

ChristmasFluff · 22/09/2019 21:09

the fact you even have to ask if this is acceptable shows how much his abuse has ground you down.

Dump him.

I wouldn't wish such a piece of shit on my enemy, let alone a stranger.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 21:13

You’re right in that - if he cared about me he would’ve told me . He knew that lying would upset me because I have told him often enough how I feel about lies.
I’ve currently blocked him on WhatsApp as that’s how we communicate and I need some time - some headspace to think .
I’m sat here upset while he’s on holiday enjoying himself, probably without giving me a second thought. He may well cheat - but at the moment I don’t really have the energy to think about that. I will never know if he does anyway . If he can lie to me about a holiday then he can lie to me about anything - that’s no relationship and no respect for me at all. I feel like a total fool.

OP posts:
AngelOf · 22/09/2019 21:17

Tbh I’d just “grey rock” dump him - he sounds manipulative and emotionally sadistic and will get off on you expressing yourself and enjoy the drama and painting you as Crazy Needy Lady.

Send him a message when you know he’s at work, saying you have personal problems/found Jesus and want to concentrate on going to church/have some financial debt issues.

Basically some really dull thing that is nothing to do with relationships or feelings or sex.

Then block him on all fronts before he can reply. Don’t get drawn into game playing.

Original poster
Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 21:24

AngelOf - it’s interesting you say that because a few weeks ago we had a disagreement and I told him I wasn’t happy - then he said if he asked me to marry him I would say yes because I would like the challenge and enjoy the drama. (I said I wouldn’t)
But I think it’s him that enjoys it all tbh. He has a habit of turning even a normal conversation Into one about how much I will always be here and I’ll never leave (move back to my old town) and that I will never leave him . And no matter what he does or says he knows I’m always here. Its like he pushes me as far as he can until I say I’m not happy etc - then he changes it to saying everything will be ok etc. I don’t know why he does it but I think this is why I have lost my confidence. He says no one else would want me.

OP posts:
Lex234 · 22/09/2019 21:29

He is entitled to go on holiday of course. He is not entitled to treat you like shit and not telling you is high order shittiness.

Personally would not respond to text, but if you feel you must, "hope you have a great holiday" or similar and leave it at that. And if you can, book yourself a holiday just for you. Life is too short to play mind games with this man child OP. Do not let him make you feel like what he has done is reasonable because "he knew you would be angry". He is a game player and a dick. You deserve better.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/09/2019 21:46

He says no one else would want me

He's really done a number on you hasn't he? How can you bear to be with this utter cunt?

finn1020 · 22/09/2019 21:55

You don’t sound compatible in your communication (and lack of communication) styles or relationship expectations.

Of course he can go on holidays without you. And If he doesn’t want to tell you about it because you’d be angry, so he avoids the confrontation, then it doesn’t sound like a great relationship, from both sides.

The way you’re both behaving sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama from both of you. I personally couldn’t stand it but if you both like this sort of behaviour with all the highs and lows then why not.

Minionmomma · 22/09/2019 22:44

Jesus. He’s emotionally abusing you. He’s ground you right down. Those things he’s been saying to you. He’s cruel. He’s getting a kick out of trying to make you squirm. What a nasty man.

Elieza · 22/09/2019 23:04

Dump him.
He has a method he’s probably used with previous gf’s - don’t tell them anything that will give me grief. Hide it. Manipulate them.

That’s bang out of order. He should man up be honest at the time and take the flak. Not hide.

This guy isn’t for you. He has no respect. Move on. You can get better. Perhaps even move house to a new village? Good luck with whatever happens. You deserve better Flowers