Boyfriend gone on holiday without telling me

[Fidgety31]

Can I have some other peoples views on this situation please ?
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (52) for over three years. I’m early 40s, two kids, not his. We don’t live together but very nearby. We see each other every day mostly, but often not for long due to work schedules - me days him nights .
We haven’t been getting on very well lately but have a holiday booked in three weeks time - just the two of us to try and get back on track.
Yesterday I couldn’t get hold of him - he then messaged me from the airport saying he is on his way abroad for a week with work friends. He didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy and he didn’t want the agro from me before he went .
And this is true I would’ve been angry because one of our main problems is that we don’t do much together and he often just does his own thing.
We had a conversation on the phone this morning and I heard his friend in the background so he isn’t with another woman. But we argued and I said he has lied and been deceitful and I am very unhappy he has gone without telling me - but he replied I proved his point in that I was angry .
So it’s a vicious circle .

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to be angry - he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong .
I have no one in real life to ask so I am after some others opinions .

' if he asked me to marry him I would say yes because I would like the challenge and enjoy the drama. '

This is such mindfuckery

I would maybe expect it of a 22-year-old (not a very nice one) but he's still using this kind of tactic at his advanced age.
He does it because it gets him what he wants - a plaything to manipulate.

This was bad enough before you shared that he says no one else would want you.

That's just plainly untrue.
But it does show you how he wants you to see yourself.

There is someone out there for you who will show you that you're a wonderful catch who enhances his life.
This man is not that man.

It might take a while of time alone before you're ready to move into a new relationship as your self esteem will have taken a knock.

I'm not sure if you have Kindle unlimited but 'living with the dominator' is on there free just now.
It's the book based on the freedom programme and it's very good.

He is wrong for not telling you.

However if the main issue is you guys not spending time together ... but you already have a holiday booked just the two of you. Does it really matter if he goes on holiday with some friends ?

Blimey. This is a bit crap. It’s not a good relationship is it? I’d dump for that to be honest. Life is way too short!

Are you really needy? Or is he just making you feel that way because he treats your like shit? Sounds like you want a normal relationship and he is constantly running. He is 52 and highly unlikely to change.

He I'd probably making you feel needy at the moment - yet he fucked off on holiday and didnt mention it.

Backing off then coming back when it suits him - this is emotional abuse as far as I am concerned! Dump him.

It doesn't sound like you need him financially, he isn't providing emotionally. Just dump hia arse and move on. You can do it

OP this relationship isn’t saveable or winnable - however nice he is at times or whatever else he has to offer he’s clearly a bit of a controlling weirdo. You can’t win a debate with him because he’s not interested in playing fair.

He doesn’t care about your feelings and however much you “tell him you won’t tolerate X” he just enjoys you getting wound up.

If you stay with him it’s because maybe you enjoy the drama as much as him? Or you think you’re going to change him or punish him or get through to him or make him see the error of his ways?

Unfortunately in life we don’t get to have the last word always - it’s a lot healthier to just detach and move on. If you’ve got a planned joint holiday pull out it’s not worth the hassle.

We sat on my sofa Friday afternoon and I asked what is he doing at the weekend and he said he didn’t know yet

^ this is why you dump him

Block him on everything and don’t ever take his call/email/open the door.

He’s not worth wasting breath over.

I know it hurts, but the sooner you ghost the fucking shit out of him move on with life without him, the sooner you will feel better

You will feel sad, your heart will feel broken, but that’s because what he’s done is unforgivable. It will get better, but not until you’re rid of him

You need to get a life outside of HIM!
Get on meetup.com and see what is going on in our area.
Join a club.
Join the gym.
Just get out and about.

But this one needs dumping OP, but you already know that!!!

That's sneaky also shows him to be a coward. Not very attractive qualities imo.

Complaining is needy behaviour. It’s a weak way to behave in relationships.

If you are unhappy with his behaviour, finish things. There’s not really another option.

He’ll probably finish the relationship himself soon, as it’ll feel like a full-time job. So you could just wait for that.

There’s an AMAZING book on this that will definitely help: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01KB7Q4N8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thats awful, very calculated move keeping that a secret.

He didn't want to tell you he was going away because you'd have a reaction. His approach is way worse.
Where's his logic?

Now you'll always be wondering if he's just going to f* off to another country for a while without giving you the heads up.

No thanks 🤚🏻

" if he contacts you asking what's wrong, say that you've broken up with him, but didn't want to tell him as you knew he'd be pissed off."

@ravenmum

You should go on this couples holiday you had planned with him but take a friend instead. He doesn't sound very mature. What did he expect your reaction to be? People will treat you how you allow them to so don't allow it. I would advise you leave him but it really is down to you. Hope this helps :)

"he is more an avoidant and I’m more anxious, so not a great combination ." - This is EXACTLY why you are together. Read up on avoidant/anxious attachment OP, and then?

No matter what he is or is not doing, work on you. Widen your circle of friends. Meetup.com, sport, hobbies. Come on, you can do this!

www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-anxious-and-avoidant-partners-find-it-hard-to-leave-one-another/

medium.com/@sangel2927/understanding-the-anxious-avoidant-relationship-trap-7370eddaf145

thepowermoves.com/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

Op. He was in a lose lose situation. In your own words you'd have went batshit if he told you, and you're also fuming he didn't. As they say it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

To put a spin on this I wouldn't wish to be with someone who would be angry if I wanted to be away with my friends, that would be too controlling for me.

I think it's simply not working. You want more than he is willing to give. He is at the stage he doesn't even want to tell you he's going on a trip with his friends because he knows the level of pain you'll dole out because of it.

I don't know if it's fixable, but I suspect not. And if you don't end it soon, I suspect he will.

He is 52 and your calling him your boyfriend ?

My bf is 55, what should I call him exactly? We're not married or living together. What's the PC word for it, then?

@Bluntness100
It's not going on the holiday that's the problem it's the deceit.
How would you feel if your dp did that ?

Spend the week finding someone else to go on the holiday you've booked with you. And don't contact him again while he's away. He wants space and to do his own thing? Fine, he can have it in spades.

Do this.
I knew someone ease this happen to to.

They didn't contact them and the bf came back having really missed them.

You teach people how to treat you.

say that you've broken up with him, but didn't want to tell him as you knew he'd be pissed off.

His behaviour is ridiculous op. Noone with an ounce of maturity sits beside their partner saying they're not sure what their plans for the weekend are when they know they're going on a week's holiday. If they think their partner will be unhappy about it, they need to have the conversation about why and resolve things one way or another.

From the background you've provided it sounds a bit like he wants the advantages of a relationship but not any disadvantages .. he wants to do his own thing and see you on his terms if he can be arsed. Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like he's not capable of a good relationship with you and most likely with anyone. This episode also snacks of serious immaturity and dickheadedness.

I’m just catching up with the most recent replies .
I do acknowledge my part in this - there is obviously a reason he decided not to tell me and that’s because he didn’t want to deal with my response. I have been reflecting on that - why I would respond in a negative way.
I am not going to contact him while he is away.
I need to figure out what I want to do and what to say when I see him. He lives so close to me that I will see him even if I didn’t want to.
I don’t think he has any idea how much this has upset me and probably doesn’t even realise why I am not in touch.
I read those links and they explain my relationship very well.

Agree that this is emotionally abusive behaviour.

When we met I felt happy and confident - but that’s been chipped away and now I’m mostly just sad.

That's the bit that jumped out at me, OP. This is not a relationship - sorry, I know that's hard to hear. This is a downward spiral in which he drains all the joy of life out of you till there's nothing left.

He has shown you who he is.

Please. Get out now while you can. You will be happy again but only if you free yourself now. 💐

So why do you think you would have been unhappy about him going away without you?
Would you really have shown him your anger? You say that normally, you put up with a lot from him without complaint?

It’s a bit trite but an expression I like is...don’t make somebody a priority for whom you’re only an option.

Dump him, make new friends, force yourself to do new things. I’ll guarantee that I’d you do this by this time next year you’ll look back on yourself & day what was I thinking.

He really is a big meanie. Feck him

OP, it didn't take much for him to get you to start blaming yourself.

He's very much an expert manipulator.

End things with him and do the Freedom Programme in order to help you make better choices in the future and see him for what he is.