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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend gone on holiday without telling me

126 replies

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 14:25

Can I have some other peoples views on this situation please ?
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (52) for over three years. I’m early 40s, two kids, not his. We don’t live together but very nearby. We see each other every day mostly, but often not for long due to work schedules - me days him nights .
We haven’t been getting on very well lately but have a holiday booked in three weeks time - just the two of us to try and get back on track.
Yesterday I couldn’t get hold of him - he then messaged me from the airport saying he is on his way abroad for a week with work friends. He didn’t tell me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy and he didn’t want the agro from me before he went .
And this is true I would’ve been angry because one of our main problems is that we don’t do much together and he often just does his own thing.
We had a conversation on the phone this morning and I heard his friend in the background so he isn’t with another woman. But we argued and I said he has lied and been deceitful and I am very unhappy he has gone without telling me - but he replied I proved his point in that I was angry .
So it’s a vicious circle .

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to be angry - he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong .
I have no one in real life to ask so I am after some others opinions .

OP posts:

tableanadchairs · 22/09/2019 15:59

He lied to you on Friday when you asked about the weekend plans.
That alone would be the end of the relationship. Regardless of the reasons he lied to you the trust and respect is now gone.
Dump and find someone worthy of your love.and time.

Techway · 22/09/2019 16:01

OP, how would you have reacted if he went away without you? On the face of it a weeks solo holiday is fine (the deceit is not)

If your anger is because he always prioritises others over you and you feel low down on his list then this is the issue to address, which I suspect won't be fixed because you are low down on his list. I bet you fit into his life but are not central to it. All this holiday incident has done is highlight that.

The lesson here is that you are not getting what you need from him..perhaps you are anxious BUT if he is avoidant then you will never find happiness.

If you separate over this make it because you are not getting what you need, rather than he went away (as him going away solo is not unreasonable).

I would hate the deceit, especially as he is likely to be telling friends you would go crazy. For that I would dump him as you deserve to be understood & respected.

Why are you so isolated?

Chitarra · 22/09/2019 16:03

I'm very easy going and not needy at all. But I would be massively pissed off if my boyfriend of three years did this.

Shoutymomma · 22/09/2019 16:11

I’m not sure you are even in a relationship. “Hi. I’m at the airport. Don’t go being a bitch about it”. Sounds like a bum wipe to me.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/09/2019 16:13

He's just playing games isn't he, lying to you on Friday so he could avoid telling you that he was prioritising something else and then being able to justify "I told you so" when he did come clean.
Your self esteem and anxiety will never improve while you stay in this relationship, if I were you I'd take the week he is away to plan a new you and just dump his sorry ass.
He's really not worth it.

willloman · 22/09/2019 16:18

Get on with doing your own thing - go on your own holidays, do things you enjoy. Let him miss you a bit.

managedmis · 22/09/2019 16:21

How can you be bothered by all this bullshit? Lying, evading the truth etc. Sounds like WAY too much like hard work to me

managedmis · 22/09/2019 16:22

He's just playing games isn't he, lying to you on Friday so he could avoid telling you that he was prioritising something else and then being able to justify "I told you so" when he did come clean.

Exactly.

Is he 12? He sounds like a small child

GigiIdid · 22/09/2019 16:29

I love @ravenmum response! You deserve more than this man child. How dare he manage your feelings like this, I bet you would never treat him like that.

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 16:30

He Is constantly pushing me away and then reels me back in when I back off - but I know my part to play in this too - is that I allow it to happen.
He thinks he can do what he likes because I will always be here waiting. And I am, but right now I don’t want to talk to him at all. I feel so hurt.

I think if I’m honest with myself I know he would prefer to be single and his behaviour shows that.
I don’t object to him going away - it’s the way he’s gone about it. But like others have said - it just highlights what else is wrong.

OP posts:

NewStart571 · 22/09/2019 16:34

I’m not sure if there is any coming back from this OP. There certainly wouldn’t be for me.

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2019 16:35

I'd be tempted to simply not get in touch any more, and if he contacts you asking what's wrong, say that you've broken up with him, but didn't want to tell him as you knew he'd be pissed off

Ha! Love it. Op, be honest with your self - I know you said you want to try and work things out, but....I don't think he truly wants that. He's gaslighting you. He doesn't really want to spend much time with you it seems....you deserve better. WHat advice would you give to one of your children, if they had come to you?

Reallynowdear · 22/09/2019 16:37

Come on Op, you know you don't deserve this shitty behaviour from him, or anyone.

Get rid, show him you're worth more.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/09/2019 16:38

I'm getting the vibe that you will calm down, he will come back from his holiday and you will just continue to put up with whatever he throws your way.
You don't have to talk to him or justify anything, you need to dump him, you say yourself he would prefer to be single, so let him.
You on the other hand want to be in a partnership, so haul your self esteem off the floor lady and when your head is in the right place, find yourself someone who wants the same.

ravenmum · 22/09/2019 16:40

I can definitely understand why you would prefer to be single in this scenario. Not sure what his behaviour suggests apart from that he's horribly manipulative and cowardly. If he would prefer to be single, he should man up and do it decently.

milliefiori · 22/09/2019 16:44

You sound unhapy together and mismatched. In your position I'd dump him and take abreak from men then look for someone more compatible with you in a few months time.

Blibbyblobby · 22/09/2019 16:46

Dump him. If you accept this being treated like this now, you are telling him you will accept being treated like this again.

category12 · 22/09/2019 16:47

I think you should surprise him and dump his arse. Get some counselling for your low self-esteem (dumping him will help with that too) and go on with your life.

SunshineCake · 22/09/2019 16:47

Him saying he didn't want aggro from would make me dump him sharpish. It's not an equal relationship.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 16:52

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to be angry

To be honest yes! You don’t live together and your children are not his. I’m not sure that he is obligated to tell you anything.

theoriginalmadambee · 22/09/2019 16:54

Poor thing

IT IS NOT YOU, it's him. He is treating you worse than a fwb. He is lying to you, going hot and cold. Stop saying it is probably because of your issues.

No it's not. Don't make excuses for him, he isn't treating you right.

Please dump him, join an activity and find friends and your boundaries.

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 16:56

I am going to take this week while he is away to see how I feel having no contact. We speak every day so this is a big step for me.
He is currently snooping at my WhatsApp - he just accidentally pressed the call button but cleared it straight away - because I haven’t read or replied to his message.
I normally respond straight away.

I guess I am needy. I feel quite pathetic as I’ve never really been like this before. When we met I felt happy and confident - but that’s been chipped away and now I’m mostly just sad.
I live a few minutes walk away from him so it isn’t going to be easy to make a clean break. I don’t even know if I’m strong enough to do that to be honest. I know it’s what I should do and any normal person would. I can see that from all these replies.

OP posts:

Caucho · 22/09/2019 16:58

Well you both seem to be avoiding the issue and scoring points. If he knew you’d go ‘mental’ and that’s the reason he didn’t say anything I would question why he still wants to continue to see you. Vice versa as well but you’ve heard that already.

Any relationship where you only keep it going as you have no one better to turn to is destined to be toxic. Seems the case for you but not sure about him because he’s obviously got friends to go with on holiday. Think you’re just a convenience

Original poster

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2019 16:59

SherbetSaucer - this is why I asked the question in the first place - because I don’t know if I am in the wrong for responding the way I did.
He clearly thinks he doesn’t need to tell me and I wanted to know if others thought the same .

OP posts:

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 17:03

He really set you up to fail on this one OP it sounds like he's realised you aren't compatible but is doing the cowardly thing by leaving it to you to end it.

I had an ex who used to do hurtful things, lie, then admit them saying "this is why I didn't tell you, I knew you'd go mad". So break up with me if you want to do things that you know will upset me as we aren't on the same page...

It sounds like you have totally different expectations and boundaries, sorry OP but if you aren't happy you're well within your rights to end it you don't have to wait for him to do it or for something "bad enough" to justify leaving.

Hope you're ok

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