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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life is brutal

124 replies

Headswim · 22/09/2019 08:33

I am 37, my partner is 35. No children. When we got together 3 years ago, I was always clear I wanted children and now that I am getting into my late 30s I am putting the pressure on.

He is a business owner and making a lot of money, it comes at a high price with stress and anxiety. He has had lots of panic attacks and has some other health issues now due to his lifestyle. I believe he also has high functioning autism. He also had quite a bad childhood.

I have my own consultancy and have done very well in my career. But even though I have fun, interesting contracts, all I want is a baby.

We have a mortgage together but are unmarried. He doesn't believe in it, I am not that fussed either.

He has turned round and said he does want kids but not for two years until he sells the business. His concern is that his sleep will be disrupted and he might not bond with his child (as he is not mega keen on them generally). We have money, a spare bedroom and I already do everything around the house pretty much whilst working two jobs. I look after him basically.

I am just so angry and upset with him that he wants to wait another two years to have kids. He knows i do not get the same pleasure out of work that I did and that I want a child more than anything. He has suggested egg freezing without any thought for what physically I would have to go through and without even considering how low the chance of conceiving will be.

I am close to just calling it quits and moving out but where will that leave me? All my money is wrapped up in our house. We have a dog together who I love and I prob could not afford anywhere big enough to keep her.

I do love him, other than this huge issue we do have a great relationship and get on well with each other's families. We are soul mates. He is a good loyal man, very kind hearted and I respect him completely. Ultimately he has his goal to grow and sell this business, and he doesn't want anything to come in his way. I just wish he wasn't so focused on one thing and could accommodate my goals and desires a little more - this is part of the autism I suspect.

Life is just so brutal sometimes. I don't think I will be happy if I don't have kids. But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2019 08:58

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You are not soulmates (and that is such a hackneyed term).

Re your comment:-
"But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent".

Do not be so bloody dramatic here!!. Honestly that is not your only option at all, that is you catastrophising!.

He does not want what you want and so fundamentally you are incompatible. Your relationship with him is not as great as you make it out to be. He has and is telling you what he thinks; when someone does this you need to believe them!!!. I doubt he will change his mind and I would be very wary about handing over yet more power and control to him like you already have. Those concerns of his are deeply rooted, somewhat selfish (he is concerned about his sleep being disrupted so not yours then) and he also did not have a good childhood either. Pay attention.

You do realise you could be totally wrong here re him and HFA. What is your own understanding of this, what have you based this on? Panic attacks and health issues in themselves do not directly point to HFA; he sounds like a supremely selfish workaholic and what is he going to do with himself if he walks away from this business he has built up?. He may not ever walk away from this business. I can't see him run around after a child and do housework (also because you're already doing all the chores and why did you let that happen too?). You have sleepwalked into this life with him at great cost to you.

You made a comment to the effect you look after him (why because you are not his mother), in such circumstances do you really want to bring a child into this particular dynamic?. You will likely remain unmarried, become completely dependent with a child to look after making you even more vulnerable legally than you already are (your legal position already here is not great). You will continue doing the housework as you are doing now on top of all this.

PicsInRed · 22/09/2019 09:04

Have you considered freezing your eggs? This article explains why it's not too late. Your number isn't up ... but I suspect he is trying to run out your clock. Some men do this.

www.thecut.com/2016/06/best-age-to-freeze-your-eggs.html

Orangepearl · 22/09/2019 09:06

Well he’s right his sleep will be interrupted (like a lot).

If he already struggles this will push him over.

Find someone else.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/09/2019 09:31

Please don't have a baby with a man who doesn't like children. You will end up practically a single parent anyway and it is so destructive for a child to have an avoidant father who has no patience for his children.

My mum made this mistake with my DF (he's likely ASD too). He treated us as an inconvenience and couldn't cope with the mess, the noise and the fact that children's needs should come first. My mum did practically everything for us despite working full time herself also.

He spent most of my childhood sitting in his bedroom avoiding us. He would 'forget' to feed us often and I have alot of childhood memories of being hungry if my mum was at work and he was taking care of us. We were emotionally neglected by him and I have always felt like an inconvenience to him..

This has resulted in both me and my siblings having very low self esteem and we have all found ourselves in abusive relationships as a result.

I often wondered why he had children when he dislikes them so much and he is the same now with his DGC so it doesnt get better.

I'm a SP (NC with exH as he was very abusive) and its infinitely better for my DC than the environment my dad created for us growing up. You would be better doing this alone.

Headswim · 22/09/2019 09:39

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You are not soulmates (and that is such a hackneyed term).

Re your comment:-
"But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent".

Do not be so bloody dramatic here!!. Honestly that is not your only option at all, that is you catastrophising!.

He does not want what you want and so fundamentally you are incompatible. Your relationship with him is not as great as you make it out to be. He has and is telling you what he thinks; when someone does this you need to believe them!!!. I doubt he will change his mind and I would be very wary about handing over yet more power and control to him like you already have. Those concerns of his are deeply rooted, somewhat selfish (he is concerned about his sleep being disrupted so not yours then) and he also did not have a good childhood either. Pay attention.

You do realise you could be totally wrong here re him and HFA. What is your own understanding of this, what have you based this on? Panic attacks and health issues in themselves do not directly point to HFA; he sounds like a supremely selfish workaholic and what is he going to do with himself if he walks away from this business he has built up?. He may not ever walk away from this business. I can't see him run around after a child and do housework (also because you're already doing all the chores and why did you let that happen too?). You have sleepwalked into this life with him at great cost to you.

You made a comment to the effect you look after him (why because you are not his mother), in such circumstances do you really want to bring a child into this particular dynamic?. You will likely remain unmarried, become completely dependent with a child to look after making you even more vulnerable legally than you already are (your legal position already here is not great). You will continue doing the housework as you are doing now on top of all this.

What do I get out the relationship? I mean a lot, it's a very loving relationship. He'd do pretty much anything to make me happy (apart from give me a child so it seems ). We have a lot of shared interests and have a fun life together. We're both independent people too, and it's the first time in my life I feel happy and supported in a relationship. He hasn't a nasty bone in his body, he is a gentle person and deeply intellectual.

What did I learn about relationships growing up? My dad was abusive to my mum. She left him. I learnt that you don't stick around if you are unhappy so I guess that's why I am thinking that yes as you say, we are incompatible.

In terms of sperm donor, I think that is what I would do if I left him. I can possibly find someone in the future again. Remember I love this man, so leaving him would be heart breaking for me, jumping into finding someone else with my biological clock ticking away doesn't result appeal. I am just trying to run through my options really and this felt like the most obvious.

Yes I agree he is telling me that he doesn't have the same instincts as me.
Re HFA - my brother has Aspergers so I have been around this my whole life. He has so many traits, especially sensory overload and meltdowns. The focus on one thing - eg growing and selling this business - is another manifest. He is obsessed with retiring at 40.

I mean why did I let it happen? You are misunderstanding that I have a bad life when it's quite the opposite. I literally have everything I ever wanted apart from a baby. I also am not bothered about marriage, most of my friends are with long term partners and are not married.

Part of me feels like saying 'ok let's not bother' and then just commit to a child free life where we travel, have fun and do interesting things, maybe foster or adopt in the future. I also am Mindful the world is not a very stable place right now and will prob be even worse by the time they are an adult. I know a lot of people feel like this.

OP posts:
Headswim · 22/09/2019 09:41

@AttilaTheMeerkat -
What do I get out the relationship? I mean a lot, it's a very loving relationship. He'd do pretty much anything to make me happy (apart from give me a child so it seems ). We have a lot of shared interests and have a fun life together. We're both independent people too, and it's the first time in my life I feel happy and supported in a relationship. He hasn't a nasty bone in his body, he is a gentle person and deeply intellectual.

What did I learn about relationships growing up? My dad was abusive to my mum. She left him. I learnt that you don't stick around if you are unhappy so I guess that's why I am thinking that yes as you say, we are incompatible.

In terms of sperm donor, I think that is what I would do if I left him. I can possibly find someone in the future again. Remember I love this man, so leaving him would be heart breaking for me, jumping into finding someone else with my biological clock ticking away doesn't result appeal. I am just trying to run through my options really and this felt like the most obvious.

Yes I agree he is telling me that he doesn't have the same instincts as me.
Re HFA - my brother has Aspergers so I have been around this my whole life. He has so many traits, especially sensory overload and meltdowns. The focus on one thing - eg growing and selling this business - is another manifest. He is obsessed with retiring at 40.

I mean why did I let it happen? You are misunderstanding that I have a bad life when it's quite the opposite. I literally have everything I ever wanted apart from a baby. I also am not bothered about marriage, most of my friends are with long term partners and are not married.

Part of me feels like saying 'ok let's not bother' and then just commit to a child free life where we travel, have fun and do interesting things, maybe foster or adopt in the future. I also am Mindful the world is not a very stable place right now and will prob be even worse by the time they are an adult. I know a lot of people feel like this.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/09/2019 09:47

He doesn't want children.

LemonAddict · 22/09/2019 09:50

He has turned round and said he does want kids but not for two years

And if in 2 years he has another excuse and needs another 2 years?

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/09/2019 09:54

He won't do 'anything for you' though because you are already looking after him by doing all of the housework and shitty household jobs. He chooses not to help you with this because he prioritises his career over anything else. This isn't a partnership and it's a terrible foundation to start a family.

If you have a child, none of this will change except you will be doing everything you are doing now plus looking after a child so you will have 10 times the mess, washing, cooking, cleaning whilst being sleep deprived. I promise you that the resentment you will feel towards him will destroy any good feelings you have for him right now. If you think life is cruel now, you will be in for a huge shock when you find yourself looking after a child alone on top of looking after another adult. I cant even begin to describe the soul destroying rage you will feel at the unfairness of that situation.

Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:00

@Jaffacakesaremyfave I think perhaps I have exaggerated the household stuff. I definitely do more but he will clean away dishes after our meal, water the garden, loves DIY and does look after the dog eg if she barks in the night to go out he will get up and let her out. We also have a cleaner that comes 3 hours a week, and we've talked about a nanny to help with a child when/if it comes. Basically we have money to get more help with the house in the future. His whole thing is that he wants to have kids once he has sold the business so he can be more there for them.

OP posts:
Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:02

@LemonAddict well yes exactly.

We are going to a fertility appointment in a few weeks to both get checked out and to figure out a realistic timeframe. I told him I want him to commit to a date when we start trying.

OP posts:
Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:04

@PicsInRed thanks for sharing. Well maybe it would be a worthwhile thing to do but a lot to go through.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 22/09/2019 10:08

You are already his mum. Just beware that his HFA traits could become a LOT more marked the older he gets, he may become more selfish and more obsessed with things that aren't you.

You culd end up very lonely, doing all the housework while he potters about getting another business going (he's not going to be happy to sit around, is he). If you have a baby, he's probably going to ignore it and expect you to carry on as you do now, doing everything.

I've just left an HFA man who was getting more and more and more set in his traits. He started out lovely. Maybe have another think about your future and how you see it, versus how HE sees it. Have you talked about what he'll do when he 'retires at 40'?

PicsInRed · 22/09/2019 10:13

PicsInRedthanks for sharing. Well maybe it would be a worthwhile thing to do but a lot to go throug

You're very welcome. It would be trying, not doubt, but theres a good chance it could silence that ticking clock and allow you to make better dating choices - less informed by (completely understandable) FOMO panic. Flowers

Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:18

@Zaphodsotherhead interesting to get your perspective having been with HFA person, sorry it didn't work out.

I probably do need to have a chat with him about what happens after he retires. He does say that's when he wants to be a dad but who knows. I do already feel like his obsession with his business and selling it for X amount is just a bit OTT and also boring. I am happy with our lot - just finished doing the house up and had garden done, I got everything I need and want, just missing a little one.

I am definitely trying to do less around the house, but I am quite maternal / domestic, I like looking after him tbh. I might just go on strike though and see what he does.

He has just started life coaching with some CBT so I am hoping this might ease his anxiety.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/09/2019 10:20

@Head, even if you have a nanny to help with the practical aspects, it doesnt change the fact that he doesnt like children.

Read my earlier post. Children know when their parent isn't interested in their emotional needs. My DF was always financially supportive of us but cannot be there emotionally. It is so destructive for a child to grow up with an emotionally absent father.

My DF spent all of his time on his computer (his special interest is technology) well after we came along. We weren't allowed to touch his stuff and would scream at us if we did, which left me feeling like a dirty contaminant. He was unable to hug us, to tell us he loved us, unable to cope when we didnt behave in the way he expected. All was OK if we were clean, silent and stayed out of his way. It was when we triggered a melt down (simply by being normal noisy kids) that his abusive side came out and we would get screamed at daily.

He also did some DIY, would put the dishwasher on etc. but it paled in comparison to what my mum had to do and didnt make up for the fact that he didnt like children and only participated in family life when it suited him.

Aminuts23 · 22/09/2019 10:24

OP I stayed with my ex in this situation. I finally left when I was 40. I’m now 44 and childless. It’s the biggest regret of my life. Don’t be me, move on now if it means so much to you. You can’t have your time again and when it’s too late, it’s too late. I do value my time, my peace and having no responsibility now but I know this isn’t how I wanted my life to pan out really

Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:27

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thank you for sharing your experience - that must have been and continue to be really hard.

I just can't see him being like this. I actually think he would be a wonderful father but maybe I am deluded. I have seen how much has bonded with the dog and she's a bloody handful.

But yes I do not think he is a natural.

He is adamant he does want kids but just not whilst he is opening up the American office.

OP posts:
eladen · 22/09/2019 10:27

If you just wanted people to blindly convince you to stay with him you should have said so.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/09/2019 10:29

Thanks Head, but it was never going to work out. My kids are all adults now, but he had trouble with their unpredictability anyway (if they said they were coming over at twelve, he'd get really twitchy if they weren't there on the dot of twelve, even if they'd got caught in traffic for example). He had a very 'set' way that things should go, inside his head, and if they didn't meet those expectations, he could get very agitated.

I can't imagine that's very compatible with a baby!

Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:29

@eladen wow

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2019 10:33

re your comment:-

"I definitely do more but he will clean away dishes after our meal, water the garden, loves DIY and does look after the dog eg if she barks in the night to go out he will get up and let her out"

This is really the barest of bare minimums and takes up minimal time; you and the cleaner cover everything else so there is a clear imbalance.

He won't do anything for you though and you need to take heed now of his position. It is unlikely to change.

Your relationship bar is so very low here and you are letting this happen to you. Sadly too I am sorry to read that your own father was abusive towards your mother, you learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships as a result.

I doubt very much that such a man would actually walk away from a business he has invested so much time and effort to in two years time. Who is going to pay for this money; money received from a sold business is not going to last all that long and he won't want to sit at home. He seems hardly there now as it is.

He did not have a great childhood himself (so he really has no real frame of reference to base parenting on), he will likely leave parenting all to you like he does the housework because he sees that as your job(and does not have a clue), is concerned about his lack of sleep (not yours) and likely does not want them at all. A visit to the fertility clinic is likely being done really to keep you quiet, things fertility wise could be different for you in two years time (and besides which you will need up to date test results, not these).

And you should be bothered about marriage if you bring a child into this. Would this child have his surname, probably. Just because your friends are not married does not mean to say that you should meekly follow their example.

eladen · 22/09/2019 10:33

Seriously, do you really think people get into relationships with people they anticipate will screw them over / lie / manipulate / abandon / abuse them / abuse their children in the future?I

Everybody thinks this: I just can't see him being like this

Doesn't make it true. You just want to believe it is. Despite the distinct lack of evidence to support your wish.

Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:34

@Zaphodsotherhead omg yes that is him to a T. He hates anything unreliable. He could never be late for anything. It's got its benefits in that he would never ever let me down but its just constant oddball behaviour. Had enough tbh

OP posts:
eladen · 22/09/2019 10:37

Everything anybody says that's remotely balanced or realistic you come back with excuses.

He's a fair partner because he cleans away dishes (5 mins?), waters the garden (10 mins?), and loves diy (hobby)?

We're the ones who should be saying wow to you.

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