Life is brutal

[Headswim]

I am 37, my partner is 35. No children. When we got together 3 years ago, I was always clear I wanted children and now that I am getting into my late 30s I am putting the pressure on.

He is a business owner and making a lot of money, it comes at a high price with stress and anxiety. He has had lots of panic attacks and has some other health issues now due to his lifestyle. I believe he also has high functioning autism. He also had quite a bad childhood.

I have my own consultancy and have done very well in my career. But even though I have fun, interesting contracts, all I want is a baby.

We have a mortgage together but are unmarried. He doesn't believe in it, I am not that fussed either.

He has turned round and said he does want kids but not for two years until he sells the business. His concern is that his sleep will be disrupted and he might not bond with his child (as he is not mega keen on them generally). We have money, a spare bedroom and I already do everything around the house pretty much whilst working two jobs. I look after him basically.

I am just so angry and upset with him that he wants to wait another two years to have kids. He knows i do not get the same pleasure out of work that I did and that I want a child more than anything. He has suggested egg freezing without any thought for what physically I would have to go through and without even considering how low the chance of conceiving will be.

I am close to just calling it quits and moving out but where will that leave me? All my money is wrapped up in our house. We have a dog together who I love and I prob could not afford anywhere big enough to keep her.

I do love him, other than this huge issue we do have a great relationship and get on well with each other's families. We are soul mates. He is a good loyal man, very kind hearted and I respect him completely. Ultimately he has his goal to grow and sell this business, and he doesn't want anything to come in his way. I just wish he wasn't so focused on one thing and could accommodate my goals and desires a little more - this is part of the autism I suspect.

Life is just so brutal sometimes. I don't think I will be happy if I don't have kids. But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent.

@Headswim

But as they say, you cannot help who you fall in love with

Lol. If you are at the level of maturity in your understanding of relationships that this phrase suggests, then you aren't ready to have kids anyway.

OP every one of your posts screams that you live in la la land and dont have a clue. You're sleepwalking into missing your fertile window and protesting as you sleepwalk that its not your fault, you love him, as if that's something as inevitable and unstoppable as cancer!

Out here in the real world, women who have children and put them first, have to walk out on men that they deeply love for the good of those children. Often. Happens all the time. I had to do it myself for my DC sake.

You're right life is really brutal, but only for those who have their heads our of their arses and you are not one of them yet. Just wait, soon you will be in your early 40s with empty arms, or with a baby and a partner who regrets having said baby...

And I'm sure if you have the baby, well you'll stay with the dad who doesn't want it, because "you cannot help who you fall in love with" jesus wept! Get real op.

I wonder if we took the £30m out of the equation and the OP’s DP had a run of the mill income would she be listening to his excuses and making such sacrifices?

@EarPhones yes possibly but he's trying to avoid that part by hiring a COO.

@Butterymuffin I agree I don't want to wait, I am giving him an ultimatum

@Notmoresugar it's not quite like that. We have a cleaner twice a week and he does do some stuff

@Inishoo no you are right I should do my research more and consider whether he (or I for that matter) would make a good parent.

I want to him to think whether being a parent is going to be right for him long term, like think about things practically rather than the fantasy of what it could be. Then if he does get help for his issues. As I said on earlier posts he is getting his shit together by getting a health coach / doing CBT and having some work from home days, and more time out generally.

And yes I would love him just the same if he was on less money. When we met he had just started his business and we lived pretty frugally.

I am definitely not perfect but am not a pushover, and will be communicating my needs and desires even more clearly over the coming months. I have come on here to get some advice/support not to get shot down.

I’ve met so many men with these sorts of plans, and a very much smaller number who’ve actually pulled it off. Until the money’s in his bank account, it doesn’t mean jack shit and I wouldn’t rely on him if I were you.

@rvby yes I have fallen in love with a good man who is on the spectrum and has had a lot of work stress in the last year which has led to some mental health issues. he has started dealing with it through a coach, nutrition and exercise.

I am definitely not sleep walking as I wouldn't be here asking for advice and support. Right now I am evaluating whether we can bring a child into this relationship, and if we cannot then perhaps we can live happily child free or if I can do this by myself. I am very confused right now and am not ruling any option in or out.

It's a fine balance trying to get what you want in a relationship and mindful of how your desires effect that person's emotional needs as a human.

I thank everyone here for your input - it's made me reconsider whether it's right for us to have a child. I only want to do it if he is 100% into it and working on his issues, working less and making more effort. I don't want to wait if there is that shared desire. I am making this all clear to him.

@SonataDentata I'm not. It's not about the money, I am successful myself. It's about how do I navigate the situation - he on one side who has this big personal goal but who is disadvantaged by anxiety and stress, and me on the other side who has a ticking biological clock.

"I thank everyone here for your input - it's made me reconsider whether it's right for us to have a child".

There is no "us" here; its you and him.

You want a baby; he does not. Do not subsume your feelings for his; his feelings on this matter are not more important or more valid than yours are. As things are at present bringing a child into this dynamic is unfair on the child. He is not fully committed to bringing a child into the world and perhaps never will be either. He is after all not fully committed to you in a pure legal sense, the law still sees you both as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and will treat you as such in the event of separation.

If you give him an ultimatum you must be fully prepared to follow through with it. If you are not prepared to follow through with this then do not issue it. Such things can only be issued one time, they lose all their power otherwise.

Re your comment:-
"We have a cleaner twice a week and he does do some stuff"
Yes this stuff consists of (your comment hereafter) "cleaning away dishes after our meal, water the garden, loves DIY and does look after the dog eg if she barks in the night to go out he will get up and let her out.

None of the above requires any massive amount of time or effort. He's done a lot better out of this relationship than you have and you state you are no pushover (well you're not a pushover in the workplace but at home you are); he also has a cleaner in twice a week too.

If nothing else all these comments have made you think a lot more about things re him.

I would have to question the character and capabilities of someone who was so consumed by stress in his circumstances.

It’s all self generated and he is doesn’t seem emotionally resilient.

He doesn’t have a boss breathing down his neck, he is successful in his work life, is financially secure, he has someone doing all the wife work - where’s the stress?

He isn’t working in a tough inner city school, in A&E, a paramedic, running 3 jobs on zero hours contract, with a partner working opposite shifts in shoddy housing, juggling childcare?

I also didn’t ask if you would love him if he was on run of the mill income - I asked if you would still be making these sacrifices for him - would you wait for him to come round and risk your only chance of motherhood?

@Inishoo yes very true good point.

We both understand he is not mentally resilient and like most HFA individuals he has a special interest in business. That has been his priority.

Fatherhood is a big unknown but he says he still wants in its just timing. I am pretty open to compromise generally but I need to him understand why it can't wait any longer for me. I want kids with him not with any old person.

It’s oozing out of you OP - you really want to be a mother now.

You will not be able to live peacefully with him for decades no matter how much money you have knowing he blocked your chance of having a child. The contempt and resentment will eat you from the inside out no matter how many dull 5 star holidays you go on.

Don’t do that to yourself. I also wouldn’t make that ultimatum too long, if you have not been using contraception for a year already.

@Inishoo yep! On it

Maybe he’s not that adverse to having children if he’s willing to have sex ‘around ovulation time’ for a year, knowing full well that you aren’t using contraception! It doesn’t make sense that he says he doesn’t want to try for another 2 years, but is willing to have unprotected sex? Or have I misunderstood?
I’m late 30s now and needed fertility treatment at 37, which thankfully worked, but I definitely would not be willing to wait until I was 39 to even start ‘trying’ for a child. That’s madness in my opinion. Especially if you have been having unprotected sex for a year. If it was me, I’d visit my GP and ask for a referral for fertility testing. Alternatively, go and get the tests done privately now.
He doesn’t sound all bad. He sounds like he has some good qualities, like being kind. Perhaps he genuinely hasn’t thought the whole biological clock thing through and blindly thinks that all will be fine in the end.

If his business is worth £30m now why does he not sell it now thus enabling him the time to be with his child/children. There’s nothing to stop him from starting another business once the younger years are out of the way. Then you both get what you really want. I suspect he is stringing you along here most probably out of fear but possibly because he is close to overloading. I empathise as I was in the same place. What I would say is that being a parent to a child especially a young child/baby is the most stressful thing I have ever done. The second most stressful thing I have ever done is help run a £220m business. I think he needs an ultimatum and I think you need to be prepared for the worse. Good luck OP 🍀

There’s nothing in his personality that suggests he will make a good parent, not because he isn’t a good man but simply because he (by your own admission) lacks the traits that contribute to being a good parent. The not using protection when he clearly isn’t on board for having a child, is irresponsible.

There’s the very very good chance that the pressure of having a child will exacerbate behaviour that you already take issue with.

I fully understand your want to have a child and the want to have that child with the man you love. However, the reality is that your ‘the one thing that is missing’ mindset of having a child, given his character traits, will be the ‘one thing that decimates’ your relationship.

Having a child is like having a grenade thrown into your personal life and if unpredictability, responsibility etc are things he struggles with, then a baby will only amplify those struggles.

There’s been a lot of talk about children but that’s all it is, talk. Retiring at 40 is a very clear goal to focus his motivations on but then wha? Do you really think he won’t be on the lookout for another goal that he would use to measure his success? And no, a child is a different kind of investment, one that doesn’t have the same measures of success that his business gives him.

It seems a simple straight choice. Children or him. You can't have both.

You might not be able to do all the things you do now.as in go places all over.and such, if you have a baby. not unless you are like some women on here, who say they get bored and exhausted being with a baby all the time, so hence have to find childminders, as they need space and freedom, the mind boggles at this.

I don't think it is fair to make him have a child if he doesn't want a child.

I also think that you need to sit down and think: what do you want more? To be with this man, or to be alone with a child. You have to do what makes you happy.

I am 35 and never want children. You definitely can be happy without children. But you have to do what is right for you.

Look in your heart and feel the answer

Yes I have said all this to him today and he took it well. I mentioned I want a legal union, I want him to make sure he definitely wants a kid, and that I don't want to wait if so, perhaps we can compromise as I know he has a busy couple of years ahead with work etc

Also he is wfh so gave him a list of chores for today (and he cooked me a lovely roast last night)

We have a fertility check up booked in a couple of weeks time so I think shit is just becoming real, for both of us and it's time to get serious about it all.