Life is brutal

[Headswim]

I am 37, my partner is 35. No children. When we got together 3 years ago, I was always clear I wanted children and now that I am getting into my late 30s I am putting the pressure on.

He is a business owner and making a lot of money, it comes at a high price with stress and anxiety. He has had lots of panic attacks and has some other health issues now due to his lifestyle. I believe he also has high functioning autism. He also had quite a bad childhood.

I have my own consultancy and have done very well in my career. But even though I have fun, interesting contracts, all I want is a baby.

We have a mortgage together but are unmarried. He doesn't believe in it, I am not that fussed either.

He has turned round and said he does want kids but not for two years until he sells the business. His concern is that his sleep will be disrupted and he might not bond with his child (as he is not mega keen on them generally). We have money, a spare bedroom and I already do everything around the house pretty much whilst working two jobs. I look after him basically.

I am just so angry and upset with him that he wants to wait another two years to have kids. He knows i do not get the same pleasure out of work that I did and that I want a child more than anything. He has suggested egg freezing without any thought for what physically I would have to go through and without even considering how low the chance of conceiving will be.

I am close to just calling it quits and moving out but where will that leave me? All my money is wrapped up in our house. We have a dog together who I love and I prob could not afford anywhere big enough to keep her.

I do love him, other than this huge issue we do have a great relationship and get on well with each other's families. We are soul mates. He is a good loyal man, very kind hearted and I respect him completely. Ultimately he has his goal to grow and sell this business, and he doesn't want anything to come in his way. I just wish he wasn't so focused on one thing and could accommodate my goals and desires a little more - this is part of the autism I suspect.

Life is just so brutal sometimes. I don't think I will be happy if I don't have kids. But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent.

So three years ago when you got together was he okay with the idea of children? But he’s not now, when/how did that change? When did you actually want to start trying for kids, only recently or has he been stringing you along for awhile already?

You’re 37 already OP. Giving him to Christmas to decide about trying when he’s already had three years will mean you’ll only end up faffing around for possibly another 6-12 months while he delays or you keep discussing it. If you decide you’re having kids with or without him your chances are diminishing by the day.

His delaying is him making the choice for both of you dressed up as pretending to be ready when you’re almost 40. It won’t happen when you’re 40.

There’s no easy solution. Can you be happy with him making the choice for you both, and taking your ability to choose away from you by stringing you along? Will you still love him in 10 years knowing that, or would you rather go it alone? Don’t sleepwalk into the choice being made for you.

Not being married would mean he could skip out on you and your child(ren) and pay only basic child maintenance (which could be artificially low, if he has his own business).

There's no judgement to not being married, but it can be very risky life choice for a SAHM - with terrible consequences.

A bit puzzled by your reasons for not getting married being 'you don't like being the centre of attention'. Pop to the registry office with a couple of witnesses. No attention, no fuss made, but a whole lot of financial protection for you, should he sell his 30m business and decide to skip off into the sunset alone.

Has there been a sudden change of mind from your partner Headswim? Were you trying and now he has changed his mind?

You're a successful businesswoman - why would you be 'broke' if you let him?

He’s telling you he doesn’t want DC’s - listen.

@RuffleCrow well I have invested all savings into our house and if go it alone eg seek a sperm donor then I won't be able to work. I'll also have to rent at least for a bit (he would have to buy me out) and you don't get a lot for your money in London sadly

@MrsMaiselsMuff yes we were trying and then everything go v stressful. We're still having sex around ovulation right now and not using protection but just not as dedicated. I have asked him to make more effort in that respect and he's now said he wants to wait longer. He did say he would be happy if I got pregnant (eg without regimented on the clock DTD)

@Zaphodsotherhead yes we have discussed this format. I am genuinely not worried about the money side of stuff, we have shared bank account and share a mortgage. I also have my own money coming in. Maybe it will matter more if we do have kids

Well that's a completely different story to your OP.

@PicsInRed This hadn't crossed my mind as he's just such a decent person. I think maybe it would become more important for us to be married if we did have kids tho

@MrsMaiselsMuff how do you mean?

@finn1020

Yes three years ago when we first got together we talked a lot about this. He does want a family, he definitely does not want to miss out. In the last year the talk has been more about when are we going to start properly trying. We haven't been using protection for last year.

@OhTheRoses so sorry, it's just so hard and as you say there are so many things that could happen that could make this even harder. This tension between us right now unlikely to be the hardest thing we will have to handle if we do decide to have kids. I just hope he is capable, I am not convinced. Let's see how the ultimatum goes and also how his therapy goes. I am prepared to walk away although it will be the hardest thing ever as we are so close x

I think you've blown this out of proportion, he is saying he wants children and has even suggested egg freezing however I think before you make any rash decisions talk to him again telling him your concerns and desires. There can be a compromise to be found you need to listen to his concerns of why he wants to wait. Two years time means you can start trying in little over 12 months.

PicsInRedThis hadn't crossed my mind as he's just such a decent person. I think maybe it would become more important for us to be married if we did have kids tho

The issue is that you don't know they're not decent until they're not decent. Then it's too late - like trying to buy insurance when your house is already on fire. If you get pregnant, and he's all about himself, he won't marry you ever, and that will be that. Charred ruins.

Tbh, running out the clock on your fertile years isn't terribly decent. It bodes poorly.

@PicsInRed I just don't think that way, sorry

@Mermaidsinthesand thank you, I reckon it's a possibility that I might be and I know plenty of women have kids at 40z

But from other comments here, I just feel like now he's now stringing me a long. I don't want to make it worse.

This morning he seemed really different from last night. He said I am trying to my head around it and get more open to the idea it's going to happen.

I would be very careful here. What happens in 2 year's time and he still doesn't want children.
He'll be 37, so still in the midst of trying to reach is goal, so I would say having a baby then from his point of view would be a real no go.
He is only thinking about himself here, which is very self-centred.
You matter as much as he does.
My advice would be to leave him and find some that wants the same things as you.

(Fwiw, I was with someone who kept dangling the baby carrot. He then dumped me at 39 and I luckily met my DH and had a baby at 42. I was Very lucky.

Self-centred/driven men don't give a shit about a women's biological clock.

He'd do pretty much anything to make me happy
Except any housework? You don’t need to go on op, what you mean is I’m another woman with a guy who says he loves her but can’t be arsed cooking a meal or loading a dishwasher or hoovering or folding clothes not just for her but for himself.

But what happens if you do get pregnant Head, in say the next six months - you have the baby and he can't cope? You can't send it back... and babies can be the breaking of even couples that seemed wonderfully and idyllically happy and settled.

You aren't married, he may say he wants to be involved in the child's life and contribute and everything, but that doesn't always stick, especially if they meet another woman. That leaves you holding the baby literally, trying to work, find childcare, fund everything, while he swans off with his 30m to set up another company somewhere else.

Forgive me for my cynical approach, but I brought up my kids alone, and it wasn't easy, and their dad contributed nothing for years.

Two years time means you can start trying in little over 12 months.

Even if that's what he meant - and I don't think it was, I think he meant start trying in two years - that's OP being another year older and with lower fertility still before anything happens. Let's not kid ourselves that a year's wait won't matter. At 27 it almost certainly wouldn't. At 37? Could make all the difference.

Timeisnotaline makes a good point.
Why is he exempt from all household duties?
Why have you allowed yourself to be the underdog/skivvy in this relationship?

I would do some deep research about what life is like for the children of a parent who doesn’t like children, isn’t a cooperative partner with the other parent, has MH issues (panic attacks etc), is obsessive workaholic, on top of being a HFA.

Then I would ask is this the lifelong emotional injury risk I want to inflict on my child?

No money in the world can protect a child from the fallout of a parent who can’t cope, doesn’t want to be there or in fact isn’t there emotionally or physically.

For me no amount of money in the world would be better than the sheer joy and deep unconditional love of a child.

Don’t let either of these two things happen.

You have more than enough money, maturity and resilience (as shown by how you support him now) to do this alone.

What happens if you sit out his timetable - become infertile - he then decides he wants a child - he could well discard you and dial up a younger model to supply the goods.

On a side note, assuming that he manages to sell the business in the next 2 years. A 30M deal would have a stringent lock in period for senior executives and significant pressure to retain the staff. Most likely it's another intense 2 years he would be looking at immediately after.