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Original poster

Life is brutal

124 replies

Headswim · 22/09/2019 08:33

I am 37, my partner is 35. No children. When we got together 3 years ago, I was always clear I wanted children and now that I am getting into my late 30s I am putting the pressure on.

He is a business owner and making a lot of money, it comes at a high price with stress and anxiety. He has had lots of panic attacks and has some other health issues now due to his lifestyle. I believe he also has high functioning autism. He also had quite a bad childhood.

I have my own consultancy and have done very well in my career. But even though I have fun, interesting contracts, all I want is a baby.

We have a mortgage together but are unmarried. He doesn't believe in it, I am not that fussed either.

He has turned round and said he does want kids but not for two years until he sells the business. His concern is that his sleep will be disrupted and he might not bond with his child (as he is not mega keen on them generally). We have money, a spare bedroom and I already do everything around the house pretty much whilst working two jobs. I look after him basically.

I am just so angry and upset with him that he wants to wait another two years to have kids. He knows i do not get the same pleasure out of work that I did and that I want a child more than anything. He has suggested egg freezing without any thought for what physically I would have to go through and without even considering how low the chance of conceiving will be.

I am close to just calling it quits and moving out but where will that leave me? All my money is wrapped up in our house. We have a dog together who I love and I prob could not afford anywhere big enough to keep her.

I do love him, other than this huge issue we do have a great relationship and get on well with each other's families. We are soul mates. He is a good loyal man, very kind hearted and I respect him completely. Ultimately he has his goal to grow and sell this business, and he doesn't want anything to come in his way. I just wish he wasn't so focused on one thing and could accommodate my goals and desires a little more - this is part of the autism I suspect.

Life is just so brutal sometimes. I don't think I will be happy if I don't have kids. But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/09/2019 10:37

My DF likes dogs too. They are obedient, they comply, they do not expect to be treated as equals to humans, they do not need constant attention, they do not care if you are sat at a computer all day ignoring them. Looking after a child is nothing like looking after a child. The fact that he can help look after an animal says absolutely nothing about his ability to be a good parent.

It is ultimatly your decision OP but just remember there will be another human being you need to consider in all of this. I'm saying this as someone who chose the wrong person to have children with. I wish I had considered it more carefully as no matter how much i or my mum tried to over compensate for poor fathers, it was me and my DC that paid the ultimate price for that decision.

AJPTaylor · 22/09/2019 10:38

He does not want kids and it sounds like he has told you this in words and actions.
You are clearly an intelligent woman and you know your options. Why not go and have a few sessions with a counsellor to work out which of those options is right?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2019 10:38

I think he is outright lying to you by suggesting to you he is adamant about wanting children. Nothing in your posts re him convinces me that he does. You do, he does not and you and he are fundamentally incompatible. If you want children it won't be with this man.

I think he is only telling you he wants children so that you continue to look after him as you have done/act as some sort of quasi mother figure to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2019 10:39

I think you are in love with the idea of him rather than the actual him.

Original poster
Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:40

@AttilaTheMeerkat his business is worth about £30 million right now. It is scaling to be ready to sell in two years.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/09/2019 10:40

*Sorry, looking after a dog is nothing like looking after a child

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2019 10:41

Has panic attacks, anxiety, "not keen on kids", possible autism. A baby will make this all a gadzillion times worse. Then comes the toddler years. And so on. As someone who is autistic, suffers from anxiety, and was never "keen on kids", none of this bodes well for his mental health once a baby is here, nor for you who will probably end up struggling as you'll have a human that will take all your attention and a partner who isn't coping with the massive life shift and disruption a baby can bring.

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2019 10:44

I think he is outright lying to you by suggesting to you he is adamant about wanting children. Nothing in your posts re him convinces me that he does. You do, he does not and you and he are fundamentally incompatible. If you want children it won't be with this man

I think he is only telling you he wants children so that you continue to look after him as you have done/act as some sort of quasi mother figure to him

^^This. You are 37 - he doesn't even really want kids, as you said in your initial post. Nothing you have said has hinted otherwise that he genuinlely wants a child. That poor kid will be brought into a situation with one parent who is not mentally equipped to deal with being a parent.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/09/2019 10:44

Head mine loved his dog too. My dog (terrier,) he couldn't cope with at all. Used to stick his fingers in his ears when she barked (high pitched). He used to say that he wished we'd had children, but it made me shiver whenever we were out and babies would cry and he'd get really wound up and muttering 'shut that fucking thing up'.

His form of HFA would not be a good match with babies. How does yours behave if you are around small children? Has he had ANYTHING to do with tiny unpredictable people before? Or is he just saying he'd like a baby one day as a kind of thought experiment?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2019 10:45

Some businesses can be grossly over valued (look at some of the overtly business valuations people come up with on Dragons Den). What is its true market value?. Someone also who is potentially in his head anyway running a business worth £30 million is not evidently going to want to walk away from that to readily be at home and parent a child (he's already suggested a nanny).

Orangepearl · 22/09/2019 10:49

If he has HFA the noise of kids will drive him crazy.

MittsMajuna · 22/09/2019 10:49

Is he recieving treatment/medication for the Anxiety, Stress & Panick Attacks? Or is he going to live like that forever?

MittsMajuna · 22/09/2019 10:50

*Panic.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/09/2019 10:51

Be honest, Head. Does he not believe in marriage because he doesn't want to ever face the possibility of you having a claim on his money if you split up?

Original poster
Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:52

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have worked within the business myself and we work in the same industry, the value is correct. He has had offers to invest / buy many times. He is an incredible business man. It's very attractive and I fancy the pants off him. He takes me to amazing places and we have a lot of fun together. He buys me everything I want. I have an Amex card with no limit. He helps me get very good contracts through introductions and I myself have built up a very successful consultancy for myself. There are huge positives to this relationship.

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 10:52

Sounds like delay tactics because he doesn’t really want a child which is understandable given what you’ve said about him. Nothing exacerbates already compromised mental health like the stress and strain of a child.

I bet in two years there will be another excuse. If you want a baby that badly you may have to go it alone.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 10:54

He is an incredible business man. It's very attractive and I fancy the pants off him. He takes me to amazing places and we have a lot of fun together. He buys me everything I want. I have an Amex card with no limit

I’d skip the baby and just have a fabulous life together if it were me! Grin

Original poster
Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:56

@Zaphodsotherhead he has spent a lot of time with kids - in fact we are just off to a 1st birthday party - and definitely enjoys aspects of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headswim · 22/09/2019 10:58

@MittsMajuna he has had psychotherapy which helped him see what was going on and this week just started seeing a life coach / anti-anxiety coach. He's definitely doing stuff about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headswim · 22/09/2019 11:00

@Zaphodsotherhead maybe but neither of us like to be centre of attention. I have never wanted to be married. We have talked about what a wedding would be like... if he proposed I wouldn't say no but I don't think we'd want a huge showy affair, just not like that.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 22/09/2019 11:00

The problem is that having kids is unpredictable.

You might get pregnant first time. It might take a year. You might need years of fertility treatment. It might not happen at all. You might have twins. You might have a child / children with disabilities.

We planned for one baby - we got too, both disabled. Parenting is nothing like I expected when I got pregnant, for either of us. Thank god we were both 100% on board with wanting children and ready to focus on them because our marriage would be over and I’d be raising two disabled children alone if DH had the same attitude as your partner.

If indeed he is autistic (as both of my children are) it’s far more likely that any children you have will have autism or some other form of neurodiversity. They may be high functioning business geniuses like your partner, or they may be severely affected, non-verbal etc like my boys. I suspect DH is on the spectrum and recently have wondered if I am too, but if we are then we are not severely impacted, hasn’t prevented us from succeeding. Our children are very different.

One positive is that you could afford all the care and therapy they need, and not have to worry about what happens when you die like we do. But you’d still be having to deal with a very difficult situation and I doubt you’ll be getting much support.

OhTheRoses · 22/09/2019 11:05

You are in love with the lifestyle.

You want dc, he doesn't. You are not married. So, pack. Go, tell him why. Set him free to make the decision genuinely if you love him.

If he comes back having decided he wants you in his life package even if that means children and I wouldn't have dc without being married, fine it may work.

Just a thought, how do you feel about having a child with an inherited neuro developmental disability that may be more severe than his fathers? Could the dynamics of the relationship survive that? If doubtful marriage before dc is very important indeed.

user1479305498 · 22/09/2019 11:05

Fantastic OP, freeze your eggs , separate and make him sell the business now

Croquembou · 22/09/2019 11:06

He's a fair partner because he cleans away dishes (5 mins?), waters the garden (10 mins?), and loves diy (hobby)?

I know this is an unpopular view here but not everyone cares about the evenness of housework. For example, my husband works away so I do most everything around the house because I don't want to spend the time we do have together doing chores (and he's shit at them). By MN standards I should LTB/he's a man-child/I'm his mother etc etc. But he's a really brilliant, kind, loving generous husband who is also shit at hoovering and, on balance, I don't care and never have. He more than makes up for this failing.

To the OPs issues, lots of men don't like other people's children. Lots of people don't like other people's children. Other people's children (and dogs) are broadly annoying. So that on itself doesn't seem like a red flag, but he's moving the posts, and time does march on.

I really feel for you. It's a really difficult situation when everything but one thing is perfect.

NightsOfCabiria · 22/09/2019 11:15

You’re in a gilded cage op.

Everything you ever wanted apart from the only thing you really want.

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