Life is brutal

[Headswim]

I am 37, my partner is 35. No children. When we got together 3 years ago, I was always clear I wanted children and now that I am getting into my late 30s I am putting the pressure on.

He is a business owner and making a lot of money, it comes at a high price with stress and anxiety. He has had lots of panic attacks and has some other health issues now due to his lifestyle. I believe he also has high functioning autism. He also had quite a bad childhood.

I have my own consultancy and have done very well in my career. But even though I have fun, interesting contracts, all I want is a baby.

We have a mortgage together but are unmarried. He doesn't believe in it, I am not that fussed either.

He has turned round and said he does want kids but not for two years until he sells the business. His concern is that his sleep will be disrupted and he might not bond with his child (as he is not mega keen on them generally). We have money, a spare bedroom and I already do everything around the house pretty much whilst working two jobs. I look after him basically.

I am just so angry and upset with him that he wants to wait another two years to have kids. He knows i do not get the same pleasure out of work that I did and that I want a child more than anything. He has suggested egg freezing without any thought for what physically I would have to go through and without even considering how low the chance of conceiving will be.

I am close to just calling it quits and moving out but where will that leave me? All my money is wrapped up in our house. We have a dog together who I love and I prob could not afford anywhere big enough to keep her.

I do love him, other than this huge issue we do have a great relationship and get on well with each other's families. We are soul mates. He is a good loyal man, very kind hearted and I respect him completely. Ultimately he has his goal to grow and sell this business, and he doesn't want anything to come in his way. I just wish he wasn't so focused on one thing and could accommodate my goals and desires a little more - this is part of the autism I suspect.

Life is just so brutal sometimes. I don't think I will be happy if I don't have kids. But what will I do if I leave him? I will be so broke and the only option will be to have a baby with a sperm donor and be a single parent.

@SherbetSaucer well yes that is what I am thinking. I believe that is what he wants. We have talked about adopting in the future and being philanthropists in some way.

The truth is I love him and don't want to ruin his life if that's what a baby will do. And in doing so, ruin my own.

I am fully sure that if I was with a guy who felt fatherhood was his main calling then I would already be a mum. But as they say, you cannot help who you fall in love with x

When you originally met, you both wanted to be parents. He still does but keeps putting it off - a bit like the fear of the unknown. Yes the idea of juggling business with sleep deprivation sounds horrendous but people have had far more challenging starts to parenthood.
If he's great at business but gets anxious about things then perhaps he needs a strong plan of action to work towards in his home life too.
You tell him he has until Christmas to get (back) on board with wanting to be a father and actively trying for a baby at some point before this or that you will be leaving him from the beginning of January.
Don't bring it up at all during this time, giving him the opportunity to take the lead on deciding what date he's ready (or not!) To start trying.
Then at Christmas if you haven't started trying, you will need to tell him you will be gone from 1st January. This gives you both enough time to get your ducks in a row.
Your future, your feelings of when you want to become a mother shouldnt come second, you're a team. It seems like his worry about how overwhelming juggling parenthood with business is risking sabotaging your future and that's not fair on you.

Am Amex card with no limit counts for nothing really and you know that deep down. He will give you everything material you wish for but you still will not have what you want I.e a child.

So you are prepared then to ruin your life to give him what he wants I.e. no children. I would also think he would not be open to adoption either. Why are his needs here seemingly more important than yours then?

Going to a first birthday party and parenting in its own right are two very separate things.

I think you are still in love with the very idea of him and you get something out of mothering him as you have done.

Everyone I know in this situation has had to leave and have children with someone else.

@Aminuts23 thank you for sharing your situation and your advice. It's definitely food for thought. I need to figure out how much of a deal breaker this choice is for me. I do love him x

@Jaffacakesaremyfave you are absolutely right. I have told him this morning that I don't want to bring a child into this relationship if he's going to reject and ignore it, even if I really really want one. He said he knew he needed more patience and that is what he was worried about. He said he has a lot of thinking to do.

Thanks for your perspective. It's made a difference to how I am thinking about it all x

@AJPTaylor yes counselling is something I really need now, I was thinking of suggesting couples counselling too x

@AttilaTheMeerkat you got some mighty strong opinions lady!

@YouJustDoYou yes I definitely see that and I obviously don't want to ruin someone's life (and my child) if he is really are kid-adverse but that's not been the narrative through the relationship. It's always been 'I am focusing on this thing right now and look forward to focusing on a kid in later life'

@SinkGirl thanks for sharing - glad you have such a supportive partner. I have thought about how genetically it might affect our children, and had the conversation. He seemed open for all possibilities and eventualities, he has a cousin who is severely disabled who he grew up with.

@Croquembou thanks for your kind note. Yes I don't think I am the first woman to take greater share of the house work or have to do some persuading to embrace prospect of fatherhood!

@NightsOfCabiria some days it does feel like that and other days I feel very lucky. The truth is it's hard / impossible to have it all. I have a lot and maybe I should just be grateful for it

@savingshoes thanks so much. Yes fear of the unknown and of change paralyses him. For instance if we go anywhere new he will have to research every last detail before we set off, so he knows what to expect when he arrives. There is not a bad bone in his body as I said, just most definitely on the spectrum but highly functional with it.

I think a plan of action would be very good and to give him some time and space to get used to what is potentially about to happen. I am going to suggest what you have said and give him until the end of the year. I definitely need to drum home that we are a team and my feelings and desires matter as much as his. Thank you again for advice! X

You really do have everything and nothing at the same time. You have no child nor really a firm based commitment to you from him. Bringing a child into this set up is not ideal

Many women on here take on the vast majority of the mental load also because their man thinks of such task as primarily women’s work.

If you want a child it will not be with this man.

I'll be blunt. You're 37 and don't have two years to waste while he faffs around. You sound like you have a great lifestyle but if you really want a child, nothing else will rival that. I would tell him you wish him all the best but you want very different things and you have to follow your dream of parenthood, so you will be moving out asap and looking for a sperm donor.

You as his partner are also not qualified to say whether he is high functioning or not, you may equally be wrong on this assumption of him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat pls stop judging me just because I am not married

We are soul mates

You are not. If you were he would have got it by now. His business should be secondary. We work to live, not live to work. Go and have your babies and let him know that's what you are going to do.

Life has a funny way of turning itself around sometimes.

@Butterymuffin yes that's kind of what I am thinking. I am going to give him until end of the year to make his decision.

I am not judging you, really I am not. I do not give a fig that you are not married but bringing a child into this relationship as it is when you are not married either is a bad idea from a legal standpoint

I am merely stating what a quizzical friend and not a yes person would be asking you,

I do think you have been strung along here

Give him indeed until the end of the year. This also gives you more time re standing by your own convictions

Do start looking into the sperm donor option though in the meantime. And don't hide it. Let him know you are totally serious and come January you will be trying to get pregnant asap, whether he is involved or not.

OP. We were married at 30ish. We both wanted DC, lots. Between 33 and 37 I lost two babies in the 2nd trimester and one in the third. We eventually managed two rather than 4.

DH is a workaholic. That was always the deal. He chased the glittering career and I took on the domestic load, the emotional load and the children. Often singlehandedly whilst also looking after him. If he had a big case he wd book into a hotel to avoid the distractions of babies, dc, noise and v organised family chaos life. I delivered a baby at 27 weeks and he arrived just before he died because he was in court.

Everything was right. We have everything including two high achieving Oxbridge educated dc. It was fucking hard and only possible because we were on the same side doing what we both wanted. We are nearly 60 now. I am 99% certain he is neuro typical with a few quirks. If anythong I have some adhd traits whoch dd has inherited.