He's locked us in

[Bubsworth]

Need to leave physically aggressive husband. He has been physical before occasionally but the last two nights he has left marks on me. We have a small baby. Husband currently asleep upstairs but appears to have hidden the. Keys so I'm locked in the house. Too scared to casually ask him where keys are. No one knows the real him his best friend thinks I'm crazy and irrational because of what husband tells him. So scared he will try to take the baby and use my extreme post natal anxiety I had against me. What do I do right now?

I don’t think you understand, or are choosing to ignore, that his behaviour will get worse. You on the other hand are minimising him hurting you, locking you in the house.

I assume he hates you and will be happy to stay in another room tonight. That is nothing to a man who holds his partner in contempt. He won’t be bothered, whereas you still think on some level you are precious to him.

You are precious in just the same way as anything that can be locked up. He considers you an object. So think about that because he’s happy to hurt you to keep you where you are.

This choice isn’t his. I know he is frightening but don’t let your fear make you dream. Social services will not take your child if you leave. They will however consider you a non protective parent if you stay and talk as you are doing now.

I’m going to be honest with you OP, if you stay with him, you’re not a good mother. Because you are choosing to allow your baby to stay with a dangerous and violent man.

And you say you will leave if he’s violent towards her? That’s too fucking late. Is harming your baby really going to be what it takes for you to leave?
‘Less afraid’ is not a good sign ffs.

You’ve had so many supportive posts and places to contact. Do it.

Him sleeping in another room does not negate the fact that he has injured you.

You poor love, thinking of you

"I know baby is safe with him"

No, your baby is not safe with him

Neither are you

Get out while you can

Good luck

My dd's ex adored their little girl but the last time we saw him he attacked my dd in front of their four-year-old daughter and then turned around and told the child that that it was her (the child's) fault.

Start making your exit plan now, if not for yourself, for your child.

Op I'm pleased you're safe, but you need to stop thinking about it and start doing. You can't sit around waiting for 'next time' before you take action, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but what if next time is the last time.

Are you now able to leave the house freely? Do you have your own set of keys that will always work?

I'm glad your safe for now. I do think you have done the wrong thing in staying, you need to put your baby's safety first, you need to leave, but if you are insistant on staying with this man, you need more than his word that things will change, insist that he sees a counsellor, and that you live separately until he can be trusted. If he truly means that he's sorry and he will change then he will do these things to prove it, if he won't, he's not serious and you need to leave him.

You need to get out. FFS you cannot stay with this man. He's brutal.

Phone the police so they know you are locked in.

Actually contraception recent legal changes do now mean that proven domestic violence against a child's mother must lead to a presumption against unsupervised contact until considered to be safe for both the mother and child. I know a lot of us sadly went through the family courts before this change occured but lets make sure our advice is as up to date as poss for the OP.

That's assuming she's in England or Wales. And actually i think Scotland may have a similar rule.

I'm still wondering whether I've made the right decision staying for now

When a man abuses you, the worst thing and the first thing that he does is confuse you.

It's usually a process of both charming you, lavishing you with intense promises and amazing loving behaviour, alternating with sudden, jarring shocks (mental as well as physical - sudden snaps, confusing reactions).

In the end you don't know which way is up. You wonder if you're exaggerating or maybe things aren't that bad after all, or - you really love him and things will be okay, things will get better.

I'm afraid that is usually not how it pans out.

There is a list, recently compiled, of danger signs to watch out for - to check when his behaviour is escalating. The reason so many people here are urging you to leave is because he is already dangerous. He has harmed you badly enough to leave marks. He has locked you in. He's done it more than once.

You are worth so much more than this - and so is your baby. There's some info here on escalating violence and abuse. It's not a good sign.

www.thehotline.org/2018/09/28/escalation/

Cheers CircleOfWallis but I can assure you I am not an abuser in anyway. I'm a woman. I was a recipient of kindness from posters and even without that, wanted to offer support.

.

OP alongside all the good advice you’ve had here, please download the BrightSky App. It has been developed in conjunction with the police. It is disguised as a weather app (it will actually give you the weather forecast), but it is actually for people in abusive situations. It contains lots of contact info for local organisations to you as well as a way for you to securely store evidence. This app has been successfully used as evidence in DV cases before now and enabled successful prosecution. I really do recommend you get it. I don’t work for them and have no agenda but have recently received training on it. for you OP

Sunshine I didn't mean to offend you. Your offer obviously comes from a very kind place but isn't safe or sensible for either of you on an open forum such as this.

He is nice and loving to your baby right now. But babies get personalities and their own desires. This starts at a few months old. Then come the toddler years with the default position being no along with a good number of tantrums. This is followed by a brief lull,where boundaries are not pushed too much and then the tween and teen years kick in.

He is a violent man. He will not be ok with your dd pushing back.

Wise words @ScrimshawTheSecond

That's exactly what these men do. When i did the Freedom programme we found it was almost like there's a fucked up "school of charm" these men go to.

Also if you show this evidence further down the line WHEN he is abusive AGAIN you may well get questioned about your parenting.
How good are you at safeguarding your baby if you allowed her to continue to expose her to Domestic abuse and as such making her a victim of DV. You must get out now. If not for your sake but that of your child's.

Op you say you will leave if he hurts the baby, can’t you see that is too late ? Babies are tiny, and easily injured. One blow could kill your baby. Do not wait until he is violent towards your child ! He is a violent man, he will always be a violent man. Locking you in is such an enormous red flag, I am frightened for you. You need to leave now, and you need backup from other people. Your parents, siblings, close friends.
Get out while you can.

Sadly I only learned the hard way, Ruffle.

I expect quite a lot of the women posting here will have similar experiences, OP, and that is why they are so alarmed. I can't think back to those times now (many years later) without a lurch in the pit of my stomach.

It's not love. It's not how it's supposed to be. It's very hard to see when you're in amongst it.

After reading your comments since my last one I rang women's aid and 101. But I couldn't get through after multiple tries for each. I don't know what I would have said anyway and I was shaking and breathing and felt like I was going to throw up. I know I've given him another chance because he had an abusive parent and I know this must be one way it's affected him and I love him and want to help him. But knowing what he's capable scares me. Just yesterday he apologised for the previous night but then he did what he did last night and has apologised again. I do have the front door key now I told him he can have the back door key it's only fair (new here and Landlady hasn't given us second set yet). So at least I won't be stuck again. I'm doubting everything now I'm so confused

If you don't get this officially recorded and you decide to leave in the future he will be entitled to 50/50 with your baby. Then he will really have you over a barrel. Because how can you leave your child with him?

Go out tomorrow and get a second front door key cut yourself and keep it safe, for your use only. Better still, leave.