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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's locked us in

305 replies

Bubsworth · 20/09/2019 08:51

Need to leave physically aggressive husband. He has been physical before occasionally but the last two nights he has left marks on me. We have a small baby. Husband currently asleep upstairs but appears to have hidden the. Keys so I'm locked in the house. Too scared to casually ask him where keys are. No one knows the real him his best friend thinks I'm crazy and irrational because of what husband tells him. So scared he will try to take the baby and use my extreme post natal anxiety I had against me. What do I do right now?

OP posts:
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 20/09/2019 13:57

Please give us an update when you can OP. Stay safe. Flowers

Echobelly · 20/09/2019 14:08

Hope you are OK, OP - abusers always threaten and convince you they will be so slick that authorities will believe you but not them, but it's just not true.

BrokenWing · 20/09/2019 14:14

OP don't try to leave in secret. Phone the police for help. They will NOT take your baby away from you, they will help you get to safety, they will make it clear to your partner not to contact you at your siblings and will let you know your options.

123space · 20/09/2019 14:34

Op you have marks on you and you're locked in a house. They're not going to take your baby away. And they don't just take babies because you have pna or pnd. You will be offered support and they will know you were acting to protect your baby. Please contact the police.

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/09/2019 14:45

I hope you are ok @Bubsworth . I know it feels like a huge decision to leave, and it's scary for lots of reasons. If you don't feel you can call the police now, while he's there, then maybe you could go to a sibling once he's gone to work and do it then? You can also call women's aid.

If the police are called to a "donestic" incident, they may well refer to social services, but this is absolutely NOTHING to worry about. They can help you, and would be more concerned if you stayed in this relationship rather than left it.

I hope you are safe and making a plan.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2019 15:28

Please let us know how you're doing, @Bubsworth. I'm far from the only one worrying about you. Flowers

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2019 17:24

OP it is a criminal offence, namely abduction, to deliberately prevent you from leaving. Please let us know that you're safe.

Original poster
Bubsworth · 20/09/2019 17:25

Hi I just wanted to let you know that me and baby are ok. And to thank you so much for all your replies. To know even strangers can be so kind and concerned and willing to help me has massively helped get me through today. Flowers A lot happened today and for now me and baby are staying but he will be sleeping in another room as it's only night time he has done this. He doesn't know I have an escape plan lined up in case I ever feel threatened again (baby is his absolute world so I know baby is safe with him, but even a smidge of doubt and I will be taking baby away immediately). I'm also considering making an official report with someone anyway so if I do end up leaving him, what he has done to me will be recorded to prevent him getting custody of baby. I'm still wondering whether I've made the right decision staying for now, and I still feel very raw from last night, but I do feel less afraid of him and more able to just go if I feel we need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubsworth · 20/09/2019 17:26

Forgot to say I have taken photos of both nights marks and saved them in a passworded folder so he can't find or delete them.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 20/09/2019 17:30

I’m glad you are ok but I dont think you are doing the right thing to stay. What happens next time he’s angry? Do you really want to live like that? Please be safe

brokenladyxx · 20/09/2019 17:30

Thank goodness you replied! You got to do what's best for you, I'm in the same situation and it's so hard to walk away. But one day I pray we both have the courage to x

chickenyhead · 20/09/2019 17:32

Thank God OP

Please look online at the freedom programme. It will help you see things more clearly and escape safely.

As for not hurting DD I'm not sure with these men, too many hurt their kids to get at their wives. Keep your escape plan top secret.

And get a key for your own home please

MrsNotNice · 20/09/2019 17:33

Op, can you get someone to give you medical report of the bruises ? Even if privately. ?

Lovemusic33 · 20/09/2019 17:35

Please do not stay with him, if this continues SS will see it as you not protecting your baby. Do you want your baby growing up seeing him abuse you? Do you want them to grow up thinking it’s ok to abuse someone?

Please get help from womans aid or similar to help you leave safely.

ilovepinkgin33 · 20/09/2019 17:36

I really wish you would re consider your decision to stay OP

I stayed with my abusive ex partner for 7 years longer than I should have, foiling myself that it was the last time he would do it, believing his apologies and lies, we too also share a son that was "his absolute world" but it didn't stop him punching me square in the face as I was holding him as a baby, or putting a shard of glass to my throat when he was in his walker,

I truly hope you have a network of people around you that will support you when the time comes for you to reach out for it
In the meantime I really hope you keep as safer as possible

RuffleCrow · 20/09/2019 17:37

I'm so glad you're both ok.

Take it from me - get out as soon as you can and get out for good. The lull is as dangerous as the storm. I don't want to scare you more than you already are but it was during what i thought was a peaceful moment between us that my ex attacked me whilst the kids and i slept. What haunts me is what he might have done to the kids if he'd succeeded in killing me. Don't wait around to find out OP. If you're anything like i was you're afraid to call the police in case you 'make a scene' or they misinterpret the situation and blame you. Please just bite the bullet and call them now while the evidence is fresh. Every day that passes is another day he could kill you both. It sounds hysterical of me, i know, but that's the reality of what we're dealing with - the first red flag my ex ever raised was locking me in the house. I never got justice. I want better for you Flowers

MrsNotNice · 20/09/2019 17:37

if Possible plz inform your family of what’s happened so they can be there to help you next time.

Unfortunately there will be a next time.

And each time things usually get worse.. as he feels safe to do things without consequence. Sadly :(

I don’t mean to frighten you.

Ur dd needs a happy mummy. He can get supervised visitation if u leave him which won’t be bad.

You don’t need a future with this man. These abusive habits don’t diminish by themselves.

Plz have a consequence in place no matter how much he cries to you..

TryingToBeBold · 20/09/2019 17:38

I'm glad you're okay.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad.. but I think you're making the wrong decision.

  1. does he only ever hurt you in the bedroom? If not then sleeping in separate rooms won't change anything.
  2. he thinks the world of your child and won't hurt them.. he thought the world of you once.
  3. you mention you've took photos and saved them so he can't find them.. this concerns me that you think he would do this. Would he go through your phone in order to remain in control.

I urge you so so much to leave. Now. Call someone to visit and collect you.
He won't magically change overnight. And.. theres so much of a chance this will get worse.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/09/2019 17:38

Agree with Lovemusic, it won't work in your favour with SS if you stay with him as regards to seeing your baby.

MrsNotNice · 20/09/2019 17:39

Here’s something from another thread

He's locked us in
SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2019 17:43

I am glad you are ok, but you can’t stay with him OP.
All that will happen is that you will get more scared, more defeated, less able to function as a mother and a person, and it will become more and more difficult for you to get away.
He won’t get better, he will only get more violent. He may eventually get violent towards your child as a way of hurting you, but even if he doesn’t, growing up with a violent father who hurts your Mum is terrifying and does lifelong damage.
You really do have to tell your family and get away. It is the only way of keeping yourself safe, and being a good mother to your baby.
Tell people. Get help. Get support. Get out.

MrsNotNice · 20/09/2019 17:45

Op it’s very scary to leave and go into an unknown when someone has made you feel for very long that they’re in control of your world and you are incapable to do it alone..

Plz note you will have sooo much support that you never knew existed while you have been isolated

I know you will hurt him in the process.. but just like he hurts you million times and said sorry, you can hurt him this once until you figure your life out... then you can say sorry but it was necessary and part ways. Deep down he knows he is treating you like trash and shouldn’t even need a sorry.

He needs to fix himself but that won’t happen with you. You aren’t his therapist. You have a dependant relationship on him and are currently under his mercy. There is absolutely not the dynamic for you to change him. People change from authority figures or rules and law.. or their own willingness.

You being there is a temptation for him to continue his old ways.

He will absolutely not change. I know what I’m talking about

Plz join this thread if you need emotional support:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3675039-To-not-want-to-be-the-nice-one-anymore

CadburysCremeSmeggs · 20/09/2019 17:57

Your staying with an abuser, of course you have not made the right decision staying. I truly despair sometimes.

bombomboobah · 20/09/2019 17:58

a man controlling enough to lock you in is inherently dangerous, he see's you as objects which belong to him and not has people, these types will often destroy their possessions rather than lose thm

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/09/2019 18:04

also considering making an official report with someone anyway so if I do end up leaving him, what he has done to me will be recorded to prevent him getting custody of baby.

Hate to break it to you but that's not how it works at all.