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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and DD can't get on

159 replies

Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 14:24

Posted about this before about a year ago, when my DH was shouting at DD and scared her. Things improved dramatically after that and he was really trying.

Now things have slid back into the old pattern. He doesn't open his mouth without nagging or criticising or telling her off. I don't think he's even conscious of it. So she gets defensive and starts getting annoyed. So he gets annoyed and has more of a nag. She shouts, he shouts, and it all escalates.

It's getting to the point where I worry about going out for an evening or a weekend away because I don't trust what's going on at home.

OP posts:
pallisers · 18/09/2019 17:56

She is 6. She will see as much of him as the courts decide. She won't get a say for many years. Maybe he won't be arsed - maybe he will ask for 50/50. Who knows? not us.

I appreciate people wanting the OP to leave. I wouldn't want to be married to him either. But I think it is desperately unfair to tell the OP it is her fault, she is appeasing him etc. She is trying to protect her daughter as best she can. Maybe that will mean splitting but the result of that may be that when this man is yelling at his 7 year old, there is no mother nearby to say "hang on a second, stop that". This is nothing like that silly comparison to denying your child treatment for cancer. Women deal with this all the time - do I stay and mitigate his influence or leave knowing that when he sees my children from now on, there will be no mitigation. I certainly wouldn't dismiss that concern even if you would.

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2019 18:02

So many women feel compelled to stay for that very reason, you're right. But it is categorically the WRONG thing to do. It isn't a grey area, it just feels that way whilst your head is being toyed with by the partner.

You get out and you get a good lawyer, you speak to them of the child abuse and go for full custody with limited/supervised visits for him. You don't stay and spend your life with a horrible man, who is relentlessly abusing your child, hoping to always be able to be there every second to prevent it. That just isn't possible. That way madness lies.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/09/2019 18:34

It's difficult. I know some young people forced to have contact with really awful men. The threshold for refusing a father contact seems really high and there are children who suffer because the rights of their dad's to have access comes first.

Apolloanddaphne · 18/09/2019 18:35

This is not about your DH and your DD not getting on, this is about your DH verbally and emotionally abusing a small child. You are right not to trust him. This will destroy your DD if you let it continue. You must leave and take her very far away from him. Find friends or family who will take you in. Whatever it takes, you need to get away.

yellowallpaper · 18/09/2019 18:58

I though your DD was a teenager and being typically stroppy, but she 6! Absolutely not acceptable. What a dreadful father to do this to his child. Just not on.

joblotbubble · 18/09/2019 19:06

All those blaming the OP for appeasing a man and telling her to leave ... do you seriously think this man will not get to see his child by himself if they divorce? How exactly does leaving ensure the dd never has to experience this again???

This shit gets trotted our every time I see a thread like this Angry

Leaving doesn't ensure the child won't experience it again. Leaving does make it harder because he will have to fight for access. Leaving teachers the 6 year old her worth. Leaving protects her. Leaving is important.

The idea that women are doing wrong to leave abusive cunts is horrifying.

leomama81 · 18/09/2019 19:22

Like a PP stated, I had the exact same role model as a father and I hate him for it. As well as my mother for never standing up to him on my behalf as a defenceless child.

I agree, I had a very similar childhood. My dad could/can also be loving which kept my mum holding on, but it has caused me a lot of issues that haven't gone away. I'm in my late 30s now and it's all come up for me again because after a period in which he'd mellowed a bit he has reverted to how he was and has been awful to my mum and me when I've been around him. I love my mum (and him) but I am angry at them both including her for not protecting me, for always minimizing and appeasing him. I try very hard to understand but a part of me never will totally, especially now I'm becoming a mum.

Please put your daughter first OP, he is a grown man and can take care of himself, she can't.

leomama81 · 18/09/2019 19:24

Husband's father bullied him as a child, too.

Ah yes, my dad's excuse. It's not ok. Do you want to keep the cycle going and see this repeated in your children's and their children's lives? At some point, someone has to say enough.

GeorgeTheFirst · 18/09/2019 19:30

Oh OP that's sad. From your OP I thought she was 16, not 6. How do you feel about him? Do you want to continue the relationship? I think you would need counselling together and I think it would have to be paid for privately. If you want to stay with him.

BarbedBloom · 18/09/2019 19:32

I have always said. I was this little girl once upon a time. My mother being there to rein in my dad didn't reduce the emotional damage I suffered and continue to experience to this day. I would have been far happier to have a safe place some of the time than constantly live like this.

OP - what is the house situation? You could post on legal or the divorce section here to find out entitlements. You have a job which already puts you in a better situation than some.

Either you stay, he goes if you can afford the mortgage etc. Or house is sold and profits split. Or you rent somewhere etc. There is the entitled to website to work out what help you would get and you could check CMS for maintenance etc and work out how much you will have.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/09/2019 19:36

Where can we go? I work so far away, and we'd need my job if we left, I can't get my head around where we can go

@Boswellisdead - Imagine a volcano was erupting right where you lived. Spewing lava everywhere. You would not be asking this question. You'd be packing up only what you needed, and leaving.

This is a volcano. It's just that it destroys things more slowly - but it destroys them completely.

Get out.

leomama81 · 18/09/2019 19:39

All those blaming the OP for appeasing a man and telling her to leave ... do you seriously think this man will not get to see his child by himself if they divorce? How exactly does leaving ensure the dd never has to experience this again???

We're not blaming the OP, we are telling her from our own experience of being this child how this plays out in the long run. Whether that is fair or not. No one is saying that leaving is easy, nor saying this situation is OP's fault, it is only the father's fault, but equally OP is the only one that can get her daughter away from it.

At the very, very least, leaving ensures her DD knows that her mum doesn't think this is ok/normal. I grew up thinking the way my dad treated me and my mum was normal, and surprise surprise, I've ended up in relationships with a string of very similar men (until now, when I've basically come to the conclusion my model of relationships is so screwed I am not capable of having a healthy one so will remain single).

How does he treat you OP? Can he be similar in the way he is to you?

Imknackeredzzz · 18/09/2019 19:48

This is appalling OP you should be ashamed of yourself and frankly I’m disgusted with your attitude

Thegullfromhull · 18/09/2019 20:00

Yes he’ll still have contact.
And then the mother has less control of how he treats the daughter when she is not there to diffuse.
This is atrocious but this is the reality.
Very easy on mumsnet to say leave.
Fairly easy to leave, even if it leaves you destitute, wholly possible.
Absolutely fucking terrifying having no control over the kid being on holidays with the ex, contact times where he refuses to communicate, and so on.
Think ss etc will help you?
Think again, you’re on your own.
My advice if I was given my time again?
Take your baby and fucking run. As far away as you can.

Thegullfromhull · 18/09/2019 20:12

There also the problem that this man is using the child to abuse the mother. She daren’t go out because she’s scared of what might kick off at home. This is a typical abusers tactic of control. It escalates into threatening the children to hurt and control the mother. Don’t ask the op if she is scared of this man, she’s terrified even if she doesn’t realise it yet. It takes a while for normality to return after this type of abuse.
Op your case is an emergency. It’s on , it’s happening, you have to leave now.

Ginger1982 · 18/09/2019 22:04

What does you working so far away mean? Do you mean away from your home or what?
Please leave. Don't let this be your DDs life.

barryfromclareisfit · 18/09/2019 22:20

Please save your baby.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/09/2019 22:26

Fuck me-work it out-you’re the adult-protect your 6yr old daughter and teach her how she should expect to be treated. Leave-rent a tiny bedsit even and go!

Winterlife · 19/09/2019 02:08

Send him back to counselling. Get counselling for your daughter. Perhaps when he hears from a third party how his actions are impacting her, he will become more cognizant of his issues.

pallisers · 19/09/2019 02:23

Actually yes people did blame the OP. Anyfucker blamed her.

This is her father. He is in her life. OP cannot change that now. She has to deal with it as best she can. Maybe that is leaving. I personally would leave him - but with great trepidation for what was ahead of my child.

Leaving doesn't ensure the child won't experience it again. It just ensures she will experience it without her mother present.

Leaving does make it harder because he will have to fight for access. Leaving teachers the 6 year old her worth. Leaving protects her. Leaving is important.

How will that work do you think? "Darling I am leaving your dad because he shouldn't treat you the way he does. It is wrong. You are worth more. From now on you will see him every other weekend and one night a week and I won't be there"

"This old shit" (as someone called my contribution) gets trotted out because it is real shit that happens to real children.

Derbee · 19/09/2019 03:09

You’ve let this man abuse your daughter in her own home for a year already. And you still don’t sound like you’ve made the decision to leave. This little 6 year old is being shown that she deserves to be bullied, and she won’t be defended by her mother.

Do what you need to do, and leave. Put your child first, for goodness sake

AnyFucker · 19/09/2019 06:34

Don't name check me Pallisers, unless you are prepared to name check pretty much every other poster on this thread.

Thegullfromhull · 19/09/2019 08:07

I agree with @pallisers.
No doubt this is a terrible situation,
But expect to leave without support. It simply isn’t really there in the way that people on this thread imagine .
You should still leave , 100%.
And fast.
But do not expect courts/ agencies/authorities to make any decisions that protect your daughter first. The majority are in favour of the man, much as we all hate to admit it.

Winterlife · 19/09/2019 08:09

So how will her daughter be protected if her husband receives 50% custody? It's simplistic to tell OP to just leave.

Quartz2208 · 19/09/2019 08:19

She will know that her mother doesn’t condone the behaviour and supports her and if she decides not to see him when older she can.

But also I think the op needs to get it recorded however hard that is