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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and DD can't get on

159 replies

Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 14:24

Posted about this before about a year ago, when my DH was shouting at DD and scared her. Things improved dramatically after that and he was really trying.

Now things have slid back into the old pattern. He doesn't open his mouth without nagging or criticising or telling her off. I don't think he's even conscious of it. So she gets defensive and starts getting annoyed. So he gets annoyed and has more of a nag. She shouts, he shouts, and it all escalates.

It's getting to the point where I worry about going out for an evening or a weekend away because I don't trust what's going on at home.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 18/09/2019 16:28

I find this astonishing tbh. It's not up to your DD to "get on" with your DH (HER DAD). It's up to him to be the kind of parent who builds a relationship with his daughter, who works to engage with her at her own level, to play with her, to educate her, to protect her and love her.

If he had counselling and things improved, then, at BEST, the option is to go back to counselling and be 100% committed. But it's certainly not okay for this to continue and you are doing your DD a massive disservice.

kateandme · 18/09/2019 16:31

6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 !!hang on 6!! no excuse but i thought it was a troubling teen girl.but waht the holy fuk is she doign that he can be getting so angry for.what the hell.
hes not arguing.hes fucking abusing.you cant argue or nag abusing.

RantyAnty · 18/09/2019 16:33

I don't understand why you're being so passive about this. Are you afraid of him?

Do you not say anything to him when he starts on her? He needs to leave! You're the only one who can protect her and you're not doing it.

Mum2Girls90 · 18/09/2019 16:35

My youngest is 7. My ex used to pinch her, smack her, swear at her when she would hit out at him. He is the adult and needs to remain being an adult. She is a child.
Regardless of whether she wasn’t 6 or 16, it’s still not ok.

Im sure some of us can relate to this post of having the abusive parent & share our pain with you in the hopes you’ll save your own child from the save devastation that this is normal behaviour when its not. Ok parenting with triggers of an abusive childhood is HARD but deal with that shit now or she’ll grown up seeking the same relationships.

CatToddlerUprising · 18/09/2019 16:37

Be a caring and loving parent and get rid of him.

kateandme · 18/09/2019 16:38

he shouldnt be getting counciling to "Help" him not abuse a child.

eladen · 18/09/2019 16:38

If you choose not to protect her you are as guilty as him.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 18/09/2019 16:46

The point is OP that a year ago you posted that your 4/5 year old is scared of your DH. Now he may very well have worked on his anger etc. But that little girl will have still felt scared. And now at the point where she may have felt safe, she's scared all over again.

As parents were supposed to be our safety nets for our children who can act and behave the way they see fit and be able to do so in a safe space, however bad that may be. Having a father who scares her will inflict upon that safe space and she will no longer feel safe in her own home. You need to get shot of him for her own mental well-being. Listen to the scores of posters who have told you of their own experiences. I can include myself in that. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my dad and I'm now NC. The longer you allow your husband to subject her to this kind of behaviour, the more she will grow to resent her own environment and seek comfort elsewhere, and in adulthood, could likely become resentful towards you.

Catladiesaremyheroes · 18/09/2019 16:48

Boswell he’s probably lowered you self esteem to the extent that you’re not capable of standing up to him.

Or that standing up to him gets you nowhere.

She’s depending on you to save her.

user1494670108 · 18/09/2019 16:50

If he went to counselling before would he be willing to revisit it? It sounds like he's slipped back to what he knows, a lot would depend on his reaction when you discuss it.
If he's realised for himself what's happening and reflected and willing to recognise that he'll keep having to change his mindset then maybe there's a future if he's a good'un in other ways but this behaviour can't continue- your poor dd, I thought you were going to say she was 16 not 6!

FizzyGreenWater · 18/09/2019 16:58

It's not up to your DD to "get on" with your DH (HER DAD). It's up to him to be the kind of parent who builds a relationship with his daughter, who works to engage with her at her own level, to play with her, to educate her, to protect her and love her

THIS.

Ok you've been to counselling and surprise, surprise, it's not really made any difference when you're dealing with the kind of scumbag that bullies a little girl.

So be a parent to her, and get rid. GET RID.

This has really made my blood boil.

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2019 17:00

Bet he plays you off against her and tries to convince you she is a problem child too.

'His dad was abusive' yeah, says every abusive git and every woman tryng to 'understand' his abusiveness. If your parents were abusive then its all the more reason NOT to repeat their damaging behaviour, not an excuse to allow it.

My gran was like him, made me the scapegoat child, told me I was a problem and would tell my mum that, in front of me - it damaged me so much that for years I was a magnet to bullies and even now attract narcissistic men like bees to honey.

The damage he has done to her may already cause this...get her out of there now.

MamImHere · 18/09/2019 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 17:08

Where can we go? I work so far away, and we'd need my job if we left, I can't get my head around where we can go

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2019 17:13

Where can we go? I work so far away, and we'd need my job if we left, I can't get my head around where we can go

No more excuses. You just have to figure it out. Move to where your job is and find a flat. Call family. Call friends. Call women's aid. Do whatever you have to do and get it done. If your life is difficult for a while, so be it. This isn't about you and this might be a price you have to pay for allowing your husband to abuse your child.

RabidRabbles · 18/09/2019 17:15

"I made him go to counselling last time."

So it wasn't even a case of him realising that he had a problem and seeking help from a professional to deal with it?

He isn't going to change who he is. You need to leave.

Quartz2208 · 18/09/2019 17:16

leaving him doesnt need to me leaving the house

what is the financial situation etc.

Get legal advice and womens aid. he is being abusive to your daughter if it escalates it could involve school/SS involvement

RitaTheBeater · 18/09/2019 17:17

If you work far away move there.

shearwater · 18/09/2019 17:18

Getting grumpy and irritable is normal, who hasn't done that with their child? But bullying and yelling really isn't on at all.

ZogorElmer · 18/09/2019 17:20

To those saying leave and get her away from him- surely this just means he would apply for contact, potentially be awarded 50% and then have even more opportunity to bully her as he wouldn’t be supervised?

ColdAndSad · 18/09/2019 17:21

Get legal advice. Speak to Women's Aid. Work something out, and work it out quickly because your daughter is being traumatised. She's only tiny. She needs you to protect her. He's a bully and a thug and you need to remove him from your little girl's life, pronto.

Goawayquickly · 18/09/2019 17:25

I lived your life, it wasn’t easy to leave and it’s a huge regret I couldn’t leave sooner but I really couldn’t but we got away eventually and now life is 100% better but I’m picking up the pieces of the damage ex did to my child. It makes me and probably you OP feel terrible to read comments like ‘you’re as bad as him, and you’re allowing it’. It is them who do this and while we do need to leave them for sure it’s not always as simple as just go.

But do make plans to leave, it’s no way for kids to live.

pallisers · 18/09/2019 17:27

All those blaming the OP for appeasing a man and telling her to leave ... do you seriously think this man will not get to see his child by himself if they divorce? How exactly does leaving ensure the dd never has to experience this again???

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2019 17:31

All those blaming the OP for appeasing a man and telling her to leave ... do you seriously think this man will not get to see his child by himself if they divorce? How exactly does leaving ensure the dd never has to experience this again???

As with anything, there is no perfect solution, but at bare minimum her daughter will grow up knowing her mum did what she could to protect her from her abusive father. The op and also go to court and try to have contact refused or seriously limited. That's if this man will even be arsed to see his child.

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2019 17:41

Pallisers, it doesn't. But ensures the child has a safe place to be, a roof over her head - away from him. She can then hopefully see as much or as little of him as she likes. Living with him she will have to be on her guard constantly for criticism and attacks and that really screws up your mental health and immune system.

Also 'oh she'll still be abused sometimes when we move out' is not an excuse to stay and let her be subjected to it constantly. That's like saying 'oh there's an 80% less chance of my kid dying from a cancerous tumour with chemotherapy - but fuck it let's just not, and let her die' :/

Op do you have to go? Could he go instead? I guess that would just be more drama though. Speak with a solicitor. Can you afford to rent a place whilst looking to divorce/sell the house?