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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and DD can't get on

159 replies

Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 14:24

Posted about this before about a year ago, when my DH was shouting at DD and scared her. Things improved dramatically after that and he was really trying.

Now things have slid back into the old pattern. He doesn't open his mouth without nagging or criticising or telling her off. I don't think he's even conscious of it. So she gets defensive and starts getting annoyed. So he gets annoyed and has more of a nag. She shouts, he shouts, and it all escalates.

It's getting to the point where I worry about going out for an evening or a weekend away because I don't trust what's going on at home.

OP posts:
QueenOfCatan · 18/09/2019 15:56

Another here expecting your DD to be a teen. Please leave for her sake. I was that little girl. My only real memory of my childhood (without being prompted or triggered) is of my father chasing me up the stairs looking angry. As an adult I muddle along with them now after being low contact for years but I think both of my parents are pathetic for their own reasons and I have no respect for them whatsoever.

MarigoldGlove · 18/09/2019 15:56

Six! Poor child. There is absolutely no way I would let this happen to my child.

At least ten years ago I was in a park and a woman was screaming in the face of her child. I remember thinking that I didn’t want my child to see what was happening in case she was upset and then was thoroughly disgusted with myself for even having that thought when this was actually happening to this poor child.

You are teaching your child how to be abused.

BenWillbondsPants · 18/09/2019 15:58

He is an adult who needs to not be a cunt.

This 100 times over.

OP, what are you going to do? You know you can't let this continue, she's just a little girl and you need for her to be away from this.

ShippingNews · 18/09/2019 16:00

Husband's father bullied him as a child, too

I hope you don't excuse his behaviour because of this.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 18/09/2019 16:00

I thought you were going to say 16, not fucking six.

You need to end your marriage for the sake of your daughter,or you're going to end up with generation #2 with bullying parents, and it didn't work out so well for you too for it.
Protect your child for god's sake.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/09/2019 16:01

She is 6 FFS! Protect her and leave him already!

ConorMcGregorsChin · 18/09/2019 16:02

There isn't a poster on here so far that isn't utterly horrified.

Ad a Mum of a 7 year old, I actually feel physically sick. Your OP and subsequent posts offer up a rather chilling almost detached nature to this.

If this was someone I knew, or was aware of, I'd be reporting your DH (and therefore you would be culpable too) to SS.
Please be aware that this could be a possibility. By neighbours, friends or possibly school if your daughter was to confide, or people overhear.

Do the right thing and protect her now.

Original poster
Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 16:03

I am reading all your responses, and I am taking it all on board.

OP posts:
MarigoldGlove · 18/09/2019 16:03

Your title is outrageous.

She can't get on with him because she's SIX and he "He doesn't open his mouth without nagging or criticising or telling her off." and you can't leave them alone together.

LionKingLover · 18/09/2019 16:04

Your poor dd. You need to go, at the very least he needs help so he can see how wrong his behaviour is and how history is repeating itself.

RitaTheBeater · 18/09/2019 16:05

I don't think I've ever hoped that a post isn't real so much.

Original poster
Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 16:08

Sadly it is real, @RitaTheBeater

I've posted about this before and he really changed and it's been great for about a year. But then just this morning I could hear him getting grumpy and wound up with her and she hadn't done anything wrong.

OP posts:
kmammamalto · 18/09/2019 16:08

This is horrendous. Why is the title that they don't get on?! It's that he abuses her... that's what it is. How disgusting that you need a whole year and two threads on an anonymous forum to realise how bad it is.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 18/09/2019 16:09

She's fucking six?!!

Jesus wept. So she was 4 or 5 when you posted last year. I don't give a shit that he was bullied as a child, that doesn't exonerate him from inflicting the same treatment to his own child. A moody teenager is one thing. But a six year old is a child, and they often can't regulate their own emotions. I wouldn't hesitate in getting shot of the fucker if he scared her. And please for the love of god listen to her about what access she does or doesn't want with this POS .

Original poster
Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 16:09

It hasn't taken me a year to realise how bad it is. It has been a year when it was fine, and then in the last couple of weeks, now I think about it, it has got bad again.

OP posts:
aquamarine1 · 18/09/2019 16:09

This was my childhood. I am completely no contact with my father and although I see my mum (who is still with him), it's less than twice a year and I'm very resentful towards her.

Original poster
Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 16:10

Sorry, I don't mean to minimise, I'm just trying to stay calm and say the facts as I see them

OP posts:
Original poster
Boswellisdead · 18/09/2019 16:11

I made him go to counselling last time. I thought it had helped.

OP posts:
Knitclubchatter · 18/09/2019 16:12

What is he nagging about? Cleaning her room, putting her shoes in the right place? What is she doing that he thinks needs reprimand?
Do you not set any boundaries.
Abuse is wrong no question but does he view it as parenting?

tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 16:15

I have a six year old.

Them 'not getting on' isn't a fact. Your husband is abusive to a very young child is a fact. None of his is her fault. None. She's barely out of being a baby.

DoctorAllcome · 18/09/2019 16:20

I came back to find she is only SIX??
I was thinking moody teenager because they are very obnoxious and hard work to maintain a even temper.

But a six year old! How awful for your DD! How can you just be a gutless bystander and watch and hear this and do nothing?

Nope..it’s verbal abuse, it’s emotional abuse, it’s physical intimidation.
AND YOU might as well be egging him on.

DH needs to leave. Out the house now. If he won’t go, you need to get your DD away from him so you both leave and go to a shelter or anywhere.

Breathlessness · 18/09/2019 16:20

Another one who thought from the OP that you were talking about a teenager. It sounds like he’d benefit from parenting classes.

BarbedBloom · 18/09/2019 16:21

That means she was 5 when you lasted posted. Wow.

You know this is bad now. He had counselling but is slipping back into his natural state. You have no choice here, you must remove her from this situation.

I had an angry father too. I understand people who think maybe they need to stay to control the situation, rather than send them alone for 50/50 etc. I would have been so much happier with a safe, calm space for 50% of the time than spend 100% walking on eggshells

Quartz2208 · 18/09/2019 16:25

This is only going to get worse as she forms opinions even more.

I really thought from the initial post she was 14/15 at least where there would be strategies and some hope

But at 6 he is being abusive

AnyFucker · 18/09/2019 16:25

There is no "getting on" between a parent and a 6yo

One is an adult who should be protecting the other, one is a child who is growing up with abuse

How do you see your role in this ? I see you as a woman who chooses to appease a man over the emotional well being of her child. I see you as condoning the abuse.