Is he a bit controlling or just insecure?

[gbbo123]

Hi, this is a bit long so bear with me

I got married 6 months ago, and I'm starting to wonder now if he is controlling or whether it's just insecure.

Background - things seemed to move very quickly which I was flattered by because I'd been with so many dick heads before him, so when he told me he loved me after a few weeks it felt romantic for a change. We got engaged and bought a house after 2 years which didn't seem quick to me but now does feel like it. I have anxiety so for the first couple years of our relationship I was quite insecure and dealing with anxiety and he was always so reassuring I counted myself lucky as thought no one else would put up with me.

A few weeks before the wedding I was plagued with doubts but felt I couldn't pull out so close and let everyone down and hurt him and worried it could have just been my anxiety etc. I thought I'd feel better after the wedding when all the pressure was off but I haven't at all.

Since then, I haven't felt insecure at all so I'm thinking it's highlighted his insecurities maybe as I'm not asking for reassurance any more and feeling more confident? Some examples- he feels I'm spending too much time with friends now and not including him, and he's annoyed ive visited my family on my own without him. He gets in a mood when I'm concentrating on work and not on him or when I'm on my phone too much. We had a chat a few weeks ago and I said if things don't improve between us (we also barely have sex) then it would be in both our interests to not carry on and he broke down saying he wouldn't cope without me and would never get over it etc and I felt so awful and guilty.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking but wondering whether this does all sound a bit controlling or am I being dramatic?

Well do you spend any time together outside of friends/phone/work/family?

If not then maybe he just wants some of your time and this is a poor way of showing it.

If you do give him adequate time then yes it’s controlling.

Why no sex?

Do you see your friends together with him as well?
Same with your family?
How often to you see your friends and family without him there?
This info would help us understand if it is controlling or not.
Does he go out with his friends or family on his own?

he broke down saying he wouldn't cope without me and would never get over it
THIS - is controlling and very manipulative.
He managed before you and as an adult, he could certainly manage without you.

Do you both work full time?
How much time do you spend doing things together?

Seems like your gut is telling you something.
Don't ignore it.

He liked you weak and needy. Made him feel strong. Now you're getting stronger, he needs to push you down again. It's where he is happy.

Unless you are out every night and ignore him all the time, which I doubt, then it's control.

He picked you precisely because you were insecure and anxious, and he could be the dominent partner. Made him feel like the saviour and powerful. Now you want a balanced relationship, he's panicking. Whether is insecurity on his part or not, the result is the same. He wants you back in your place: dependent and grateful.

This is pretty classic abusive behaviour

Telling you he loved you too soon is called lovebombing
He's now trying to control you
So many red flags

Have a look at this, OP.

Well, he can be deeply insecure AND controlling. I think it's perfectly possible for someone to be emotionally abusive to a loved one, even though he/she is actually a nice person. it's done because of a lack of understanding and empathy in some cases and often because the person involved has no ability or interest in actually thinking about their behaviours.

Doesn't mean it's okay. It's still not okay.

He's emotionally manipulating you.

You need to work out what you think is acceptable amounts of time for you to be doing your own thing, away from him. And he needs to articulate what he thinks is okay. And if the two don't match up and you can't agree a compromise, please end it now while it's still relatively easy.

Thanks for all the replies.

We spend a lot of time together, nearly every weekend and most week nights if he's not working late. About the friend stuff - he normally comes with me to see most of my friends, I wanted to go and see one who lives a few hours away for the weekend and he's given me nothing but grief about it. And then the other day I said I was thinking about going on a night out with another friend in a few weeks and he got in a mood about it and said what about me then.

He normally always comes to see my family with me but I wanted some quality time with my parents and he said I was wanting to do everything without him now. My family live a few hours away and his about an hour away, and we see them very regularly.

I feel like I've made a massive mistake but now feel stuck and feel so guilty when he says that he'd never get over it, I just don't know what to do.

And sorry yes he goes away to see his friends more than me and I don't say anything about it

OP- this will get worse, not better. You honestly have to leave now. Google The Freedom Programme then start making plans.

You are only stuck if you choose to remain so. Do you think he feels guilty about his treatment of you; not a bit of it. He can and would manage without you as well; stating otherwise is indeed manipulative on his part.

Re your comment:-
"I wanted to go and see one who lives a few hours away for the weekend and he's given me nothing but grief about it. And then the other day I said I was thinking about going on a night out with another friend in a few weeks and he got in a mood about it and said what about me then."

Yet more manipulation from him, what about him indeed. Did you end up deciding not to go out after all (because its easier)?. If so he got what he wanted.

On a wider level what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

What are the root causes of your anxiety; when did that all start with you?. Did this come about as a result of being with all the dick heads before him?.

I would also seriously consider looking at the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you no end. Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft could help you as well.

And sorry yes he goes away to see his friends more than me and I don't say anything about it
Yes to me he sounds like he's trying to cut you off and control you.
He doesn't want you to see anyone without you, then he will find a reason to no longer like them, a ficticious argument, or that he's been disrespected. Then you can can no longer see them as they haven't appologized for the imagined argument, and you can't go without him.
Eventually you will have no one but him and you will be a shell of your former self.
Nip it in the bud now, either he stops or you are gone and follow through. He will be nice enough for long enough to reel you back in and make you think you were all wrong.

Aha - YES he is controlling.
Don't allow this.
He can fuck off with his guilt tripping!
Of course he will get over it.
Stop listening to his manipulative bullshit!
This is all part of the control and abuse.
And believe us all when we tell you, this will NOT improve.
It will just get worse.
Can you imagine having DC with this guy?
The control will ramp up big style.
And what a sorry man to have as a role model for any DC.
Run now!!!
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yup, this is totally not ok.

And as someone who has watched someone she loves stay with a man who was this insecure and as a result this manipulative and controlling, I can tell you it will not get better. He expects himself to be at the centre of everything you do. His needs, and priorities must be your needs and priorities. His desire to be with you is more important than any desire you may have to be with other people at any time.

Run. Run now while its still easy and your'e not tied into him forever because you have mortgages and children.

Thank you. I feel dramatic writing about all this because everyone thinks how lovely and kind he is and I thought he was so different.

I stood my ground and still saw my friend.

It's upset me all this because when I was younger I was in an abusive relationship with someone far more controlling than this and my mum is very controlled by my dad so I always thought I would always spot it again. My anxiety I think stems from my first relationship. But he made me feel so good about myself early on it felt so different.

Sorry I don't mean to drip feed at all, but I have a terminally ill family member so that's why we got married quickly, and why I felt I couldn't pull out and let everyone down. And he's been so good about all that I felt grateful to have him. But then the other day I said I wanted to spend Christmas at home this year and he was very welcome but he's saying it's selfish because we did that last year and his family would want to see me. But I thought given the circumstances surely he would see why I'd want to be at home.

I wouldn’t run for the hills quite yet, he perhaps just needs a bit if education. It sounds like you both had issues and you are getting over yours but he isn’t. Yet.

You could talk to him and ask him what he would like to see in your relationship. See what he says.

If he says “to see you every evening we aren’t working and do stuff together both days at the weekend but you can still see your friends sometimes” ask him when you are supposed to see them and point out that’s unreasonable. A marriage won’t work if you are in each other’s pockets continually. You need time away from each other, whether that’s going to the gym or seeing a friend or relative.

Does he feel unloved, like he doesn’t know how you feel about him or worries that you are going out to meet other men, or is he just jealous of your social life and a bit bored with his own. If he doesn’t trust you then you need to work on that. If he’s bored he needs a new hobby. I was a bit bored when friends had their babies at the same time and I was a bit left out! So perhaps he’s in a similar position and needs to find new friends or hobbies to keep him busy when his besties are doing family stuff with their babies.

Decide what is fair. Eg we both work late one night, two at most. That leaves us time for friends and each other during the week and some Alone Time too if we want it.

At weekends sometimes I will want to visit family with you and sometimes I will go there alone. You should do the same. If we need to organise ourselves better so we both know who is going out when and when we are together so we can plan stuff let’s work on that and have our calendars up to date so we can see what the plans are and look forward to our time together and also our time with friends or family without having to worry that the other one is bored as they didn’t know they’d be alone that night etc.

You may both need counselling as it really helps.
Any more of his controlling behaviour and you do need to consider what’s best for you though. You can’t live the way he wants. And nor should you. Good luck with changing things. It may be just what you need.

“f he doesn’t trust you then you need to work on that”

How do you suggest she does this?

gbbo

I am glad you went to see your friend anyway regardless of his groundless objections.

re your comment:-
"It's upset me all this because when I was younger I was in an abusive relationship with someone far more controlling than this and my mum is very controlled by my dad so I always thought I would always spot it again".

Abuse like you describe and it is abuse, is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people. Abusers as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world, behind closed doors though their true nature emerges.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, and yours certainly taught you a lot of damaging lessons; lessons that remain with you to this day. It sounds like your mother is still with her abuser; do not make the same errors that she has made. All that you write re your family background are indeed factors in why you have gone on to date a variety of abusive dickheads and marry this man now. You had doubts pre wedding but minimised those and went onto marry for completely the wrong reasons i.e. a fear of letting everyone down.

This is not going to get better for you and ultimately you are going to have to divorce your now husband. Please seek proper help for your own self from the likes of Womens Aid re planning your exit from this relationship and enrol yourself too onto their Freedom Programme.

What about me ?? - you are married, not joined at the hip. FFS please don't get pregnant - he is controlling, abusive and it will only get worse. You need to leave him.

No he does not need educating and besides which the OP is not the one to do that. She is only responsible for her own self here, not him too.

Abuse is about power and control; its not about communication or a perceived lack of. The nice/nasty cycle that such men employ as well against their target (and I believe most sincerely that she was deliberately targeted by him) is a continuous one. Joint counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I find it so difficult to see it as abuse because he wasn't like this for the first part of our relationship I thought he was great but maybe that's because I would cancel plans and put him first for everything for fear of losing him? It's only since I've decided to put myself first for a change this has all come about.

The problem is we have a house together, it feels so messy to get out of and I feel everyone would judge me because of a short marriage or think I'm a bad person because I've left him devastated

He would cope without you and he would get over it. Those statements are manipulative.

His controlling is likely to stem from insecurity, but he needs to deal with his insecurities himself, they are not your problem.

All relationships need space. if you are spending some time with him he needs to find a way to be ok with you spending time apart. He feels displaced because he knew what his role was when you were under confident, again this is his issue to deal with.

One of the best ways to find out what a man is really like is to say no to him. Some women never do. Ever. You’ve found out quite early what happens when you say no to this man. It will not get better- I promise. Make your plans and leave.

gbbo

re your comment:-
"I find it so difficult to see it as abuse because he wasn't like this for the first part of our relationship I thought he was great but maybe that's because I would cancel plans and put him first for everything for fear of losing him? It's only since I've decided to put myself first for a change this has all come about"

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes, they are not nasty all the time and in the early days of a relationship in particular these types are often on their best behaviour. The red flags that become apparent over time get missed and or simply not recognised as such. That is also how they hook their target in and in your case too you were lovebombed by him. He saw your innate vulnerability and honed in on it. You were and remain emotionally vulnerable here also given your father's abuse of your mother which you saw, learnt from and absorbed. You've also had more than one abusive relationship to date, I would think that all the male figures in your relationships have all been abusive starting with your dad. All that is going to take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. You have not even started the process of recovery yet.

Read this article too:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Re your comment:-
"The problem is we have a house together, it feels so messy to get out of and I feel everyone would judge me because of a short marriage or think I'm a bad person because I've left him devastated"

Having a jointly held property is not an insurmountable obstacle to leaving him, its an excuse and a poor one at that. Why would people judge you because of a short marriage?. People leave marriages every day and you had doubts about marriage to begin with. You are basically judging your own self here. The people that matter do not mind and those that do don't matter. Why do you care so much about what other people think as well, such people pleasing does you no favours. I also doubt he would be at all devastated as you put it if you were to leave him, he would be annoyed instead and in all likelihood make that process as long and drawn out as possible as "punishment" to you for having the utter gall in his eyes to leave him. He'd find another target soon enough to reel in and similarly abuse.

The problem is we have a house together, it feels so messy to get out of and I feel everyone would judge me because of a short marriage or think I'm a bad person because I've left him devastated

and my mum is very controlled by my dad
This does not surprise me at all OP.
This is where you learned about relationships.
Stop worrying about what 'others' will think.
This is YOUR life.
Do NOT live it like your mother, with an abusive partner.
This is your chance at happiness.
Get out from under his spell.
Stop worry about society. Just worry about you.
There are no DC involved.
It's a short marriage so easy to untangle.
Get on and do it OP.
Abuse is not OK and you know you need to get out!

My dd’s abuser treated her “like a queen” He looked after her, and was kind and considerate and did lovely things for her. Even after she found the strength to report him to the police and leave he was still saying that he forgave her and trying to give her lovely well chosen presents and saying he would wait for her and how she would realise that he was what she needed and she was what he needed and they would be together forever...