Is he a bit controlling or just insecure?

[gbbo123]

Hi, this is a bit long so bear with me

I got married 6 months ago, and I'm starting to wonder now if he is controlling or whether it's just insecure.

Background - things seemed to move very quickly which I was flattered by because I'd been with so many dick heads before him, so when he told me he loved me after a few weeks it felt romantic for a change. We got engaged and bought a house after 2 years which didn't seem quick to me but now does feel like it. I have anxiety so for the first couple years of our relationship I was quite insecure and dealing with anxiety and he was always so reassuring I counted myself lucky as thought no one else would put up with me.

A few weeks before the wedding I was plagued with doubts but felt I couldn't pull out so close and let everyone down and hurt him and worried it could have just been my anxiety etc. I thought I'd feel better after the wedding when all the pressure was off but I haven't at all.

Since then, I haven't felt insecure at all so I'm thinking it's highlighted his insecurities maybe as I'm not asking for reassurance any more and feeling more confident? Some examples- he feels I'm spending too much time with friends now and not including him, and he's annoyed ive visited my family on my own without him. He gets in a mood when I'm concentrating on work and not on him or when I'm on my phone too much. We had a chat a few weeks ago and I said if things don't improve between us (we also barely have sex) then it would be in both our interests to not carry on and he broke down saying he wouldn't cope without me and would never get over it etc and I felt so awful and guilty.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking but wondering whether this does all sound a bit controlling or am I being dramatic?

Thank you everyone. I did wonder if it's because I've become stronger that he feels things are changing but regardless of that, he should be pleased I'm not insecure anymore and want my own life. I used to be so independent before we got together travelled abroad on my own moved around, so he's always known what I am like to an extent just not with him.

Last night he did something he's not done before, he stayed out late drinking (which is normal) but didn't bother to message to say he'd be back later than he'd said that morning (which he always does). I had to message him to check when he'd be back because it was several hours after he'd said he would be back. It doesn't bother me that he wasn't here as I enjoy my own space but he would be so annoyed if it was the other way around, so I wonder if it was done to punish me maybe? Although this morning he's being normal and nice again

Regarding the sex stuff - there are some things he's interested in that even though he knew I really don't like because I said it many times I went along with anyway to please him, but I then said several months ago I didn't want to do them as much anymore and since then the sex has just completely died down.

He likes you emotionally weaker, vulnerable and needy; it gives him more power and control over you. Now you're becoming gradually stronger in your own self he does not like it because he feels he is losing control over you.

His staying out late drinking was primarily done by him to punish you for your "transgressions" in his head. He will keep doing this as well. And this morning, unsurprisingly, he's back to being supposedly nice again until the next time he decides to be nasty. This nice/nasty cycle of his is a continuous one and also one you have seen played out before.

Why did you phone him at all?. You are not his mother. Doing that also was what he wanted you to do.

even though he knew I really don't like because I said it many times I went along with anyway to please him
Massive MASSIVE red flags here OP.
A respectful man would not allow you go along with something you don't want to do, just to please him.
He would and should, want to please you.
This is yet another huge red flag you have chosen to ignore.
Please get away OP.
He sounds worse and worse the more you write!

I have to agree with HellsBells. It just sounds worse the more you write.

Staying out late last night was probably partly to punish you but it was also so that he can attempt to throw it back inn your face - "you didn't like it when I was out but you expect me to be happy that you're out all the time" (and yes, we all know these are two different experiences and him not telling you where he is and when he'll be home is entirely different to you going for a planned night out with some friends but he won't see it that way).

I suspect it's also a way to get you to go back to being insecure. That version of you - the anxious, insecure one - is the version of you he loves and wants to be with. He doesn't want to be with the confident independent version.

A controlling, punished, sexless life.

What's even the point?

There are so many incredibly average single men. Why stay with this bleak and miserable fucker?

There are so many incredibly average single men

Oh, tell me about it

Where have all the good men gone?
And where are all the gods?

My ex was slightly similar.
Hated it when I went out with friends or after work drinks.
His saying was always "what am I going to do".
I'd always encourage him to go out with his own friends but he wanted me to go too.
In the end I felt so suffocated with his neediness and sulking that I ended it.
His argument to me when I told him it was over was "at least I don't hit you". As if tgat was a benchmark to stay in the relationship.

At the end of the day, this is your life and if you're not happy, it's ok to say so.
No-one has the right to control another whether they are aware or not.

Houses can be sold, money can be regained but mental health and personal security is everything.

Best wishes to you, you sound lovely and you deserve better

Oh OP 😔

even though he knew I really don't like because I said it many times I went along with anyway to please him

This is totally and utterly wrong - he will have known you didn't want to do what he wanted but pushed you.

That alone should be enough to walk away - imagine if a friend told you their boyfriend / husband had pressured them into sexual activity they knew your friend didn't want to do.

Be your own best friend and give yourself as much kindness as you'd give a loved one.

And PP are totally right that he's done the night out thing to try and make you jealous as you finally had the "upper hand" for want of a better phrase and he could feel you pulling away.

The fact you don't care when he goes out probably upsets him, so IME he'll try a few different things until he finds something that makes you feel insecure. Don't give him the chance to do that.

Sorry OP he sounds horrible

"he was so good about it" in relation to a seriously ill family member? Do you mean he has reminded you how "good" he was, because actually, people who care about each other generally don't need to be "good" about supporting each other through difficult and emotional times, they just do it because it is what loving partners do.

I certainly wouldn't expect a partner to be chalking up brownie points about their "goodness" and then using them against me at a later date.

I'm glad you are able to stand up against his demands to be included in all your relationships outside your marriage, but as others have said, at the moment you are working, independent and emotionally strong enough to do this. I worry that in a few years if you have children, are less financially independent and have had your emotional corners worn away by his insidious expectations then you will not be in a position to assert your needs and will instead be stuck in a relationship where your personality , interests and relationships are reduced to nothing.

Take very great care, consider your position .

I can't help but feel like I have caused this as someone else has said because the dynamics have changed and I used to go along with stuff and put him above everything, that's why I didn't see all this before. So I feel partly to blame for it all.

Someone said if it's changed the way I feel the magic won't come back, that's exactly it I just feel totally like this isn't right and so I'm not being affectionate because I can't force myself too, but he's constantly saying how im not being affectionate and that's the reason we aren't having sex anymore

Also really struggle to be kind to myself. Feel like I'm an awful weak person for not cancelling the wedding when I had doubts, and that I've been insincere to him by going through with it all

The "magic" won't come back, sweetheart, that's the point. He was wearing a mask, now it's dropped. The lovely man at the beginning was an act, conjured, now he is showing you turn real him.

You're as likely to get back the old fake him as to put the exploded firework back in the casing for a 2nd go. It's impossible. You enjoyed it, but now it's gone. 🎆

Grieve the man you thought you had and rebuild your own life.

You still blame yourself for the failings of others and the people pleasing as well does you no favours.

It is not your fault your husband is the ways he is and you did not make him that way.

I don't think any of the adults in your life have ever been kind to you emotionally and they certainly never gave you any semblance of an idea of what a mutually respectful relationship is like. You are with Mr Wrong here and you still do not have any idea of what a mutually respectful relationship is all about. No-one ever bothered to show you one.

He has tried and almost succeeded here in tying you further up in emotional knots. You know on some level this treatment of you by him is wrong; if all was well you would not have posted about this. His actions towards you are all on him, you did not cause him to act like this. He liked you far more when you were insecure and needy simply and only because that gave him more power and control over you. You are your own best advocate; who is going to speak up for you if you cannot.

Where do you see yourself in 6 months time?

The "magic" was all smoke and mirrors; he deliberately targeted you and drew you in by design into his dysfunctional world.

OP I think you know that this relationship is over and you just need to find the strength to end it.

its short and no children so other than the house it should be straightforward

You are helping no one by staying - all that is happening is his behaviour and need to control are escalating and it could get bad

I think the guilt comes from the fact that he absolutely would never see himself as being controlling and cares so much about me. He would be so upset to think that's how I see him because he knows about my previous relationship experiences and wouldn't put himself in the same category. And always says things like how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and makes me promise we'll stay together forever etc

Stop giving so much headspace to how he sees his behaviours, what his motivations are to behave the way he does or how he would feel if you decided to end the relationship. Those are common traps that victims fall into that prevent them doing anything to change their situation. Focus on how you feel and the effects his behaviours have on you, because that is what really matters.

The root causes and motivations for his controlling tendencies are only of value to someone who might try and help him change. Trust me, that person is not you. The victim cannot change their abuser. Only an experienced professional can do that and only if the abuser is fully committed. Even then there is by no means any guarantee of success. How he would deal with the relationship ending is not your problem either, it's his. You need to focus on you and not let guilt keep you trapped in a soul-destroying relationship. You only get one life and you have a right to happiness in that life. Look after yourself because nobody else will in this relationship.

Maybe it feels suffocating? Did you have time to be single?
Maybe he needs to have more interests and socialice independently.
I think you are feeling crowded and he needs to hear you.
Maybe you are moving away from him. Only you know the answer.

Oh OP. Nobody who truly loves you or cares about you would want you to do things sexually that you didn't like. Use your new confidence for good, please makes steps to leave. Houses can be sold. Finances divided. Lots of good advice here for women going through what you are. My father abused my mother and I also struggle to see what is normal in a relationship. It's so hard.

I think the guilt comes from the fact that he absolutely would never see himself as being controlling and cares so much about me. He would be so upset to think that's how I see him because he knows about my previous relationship experiences and wouldn't put himself in the same category. And always says things like how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and makes me promise we'll stay together forever etc

Again, I think you're my SIL from 10 years ago. Even now, she often excuses his behaviour or doesn't do something for herself because of how it would impact him because of his issues "I could never divorce him because it would destroy him after how bad his parents' marriage break up was". Which are real, and genuine, but I can't understand how it's okay for her to suffer as a result.

I get on well with PIL. But I maintain that a lot of SIL's issues, the reason she has stated with BIL all these years, is because of the way her parents treated her as a child and, importantly, as a young adult. I suspect you have a similar situation going on. Do your parents regularly comment on how difficult you are when you assert your independence/ how lovely your DH is/ how lucky you are to have DH after bad boyfriend x. Do they still, years later, question decisions you've made in the past and blame those decisions for everything that's happening in your life today?

[i might just be projecting here, but I've had a good friend with these kind of parents and now SIL and both are with men who are slowly sucking the life out of them]

Thank you everyone for all your comments, they've been really helpful. When I posted this I didn't expect all these replies and thought people would say maybe a bit but didnt realise how bad it sounds to objective people. I've had a traumatic sexual experience when I was younger so I think I probably have warped views on that too. I guess I have a lot of work to do on myself but fortunately I'm only 28 so hopefully plenty of time to not make the same mistakes again

OP, I just want to say, I've just been in a very similar situation, and like you, because I've been through worse before, I didn't spot it and I still doubt it sometimes. My therapist said that one key hallmark of what was going on is when one partner feels that they are to blame for the other's behaviour. I would definitely recommend calling women's aid and telling them what you've said on here. They'll be able to help.

I tried to give your husband the benefit of the doubt but even I can see from everything now including his drinking-late-punishing-you-by not-phoning-crap that he is trying to control and manipulate your behaviour and this isn’t a communications break down.

Whether or not you have changed isn’t the issue, you have the right to grow as a person, we all do.

The magics gone anyway. It will never return.

Time to speak to women’s aid in secret and see what they say. I know he hasn’t been violent before but he has changed and even you don’t recognise him, so be very careful how you proceed so you stay safe, as you don’t know what he is capable of if he thinks he’s losing you. All the best.

I can't help but feel like I have caused this as someone else has said because the dynamics have changed and I used to go along with stuff and put him above everything, that's why I didn't see all this before. So I feel partly to blame for it all.

I said that its understandable that he feels the ground has shifted under his feet because the dynamics have changed BUT I also encouraged you to reset the relationship and stick to the new boundaries you have and will create. I also said that if he couldn't adapt then you need to end it.

So the dynamics changing could be "WHY" he's acting how he is now but that DOESN"T make it right. And since then the other stuff you've posted makes him sound awful.
No decent person would continue to push their partner to do stuff which they know they don't like. He didn't call you in order to punish you. He is trying to get you back in your box. Please don't let him. Refind the real you and if he can't hack it, then he's not the man for you. End it despite the initial practical difficulties.

Do the Freedom Programme. Make sure others treat you how you would treat others.

Please @gbbo123 if you have any feeling in your gut leave now.

From my recent post Is my husband asking too much?
I’ve found the answer is yes. He is controlling to a degree I didn’t realise until 20 years down the line and two children.
I don’t give him the sex he ‘deserves’ and he has spent the last 12 months telling me I’m fat! I’m not!!!!
Many other issues but basically I’m saying if you can see it now don’t question yourself. You are right. You are young and have time to change your life for the better.