Is he a bit controlling or just insecure?

[gbbo123]

Hi, this is a bit long so bear with me

I got married 6 months ago, and I'm starting to wonder now if he is controlling or whether it's just insecure.

Background - things seemed to move very quickly which I was flattered by because I'd been with so many dick heads before him, so when he told me he loved me after a few weeks it felt romantic for a change. We got engaged and bought a house after 2 years which didn't seem quick to me but now does feel like it. I have anxiety so for the first couple years of our relationship I was quite insecure and dealing with anxiety and he was always so reassuring I counted myself lucky as thought no one else would put up with me.

A few weeks before the wedding I was plagued with doubts but felt I couldn't pull out so close and let everyone down and hurt him and worried it could have just been my anxiety etc. I thought I'd feel better after the wedding when all the pressure was off but I haven't at all.

Since then, I haven't felt insecure at all so I'm thinking it's highlighted his insecurities maybe as I'm not asking for reassurance any more and feeling more confident? Some examples- he feels I'm spending too much time with friends now and not including him, and he's annoyed ive visited my family on my own without him. He gets in a mood when I'm concentrating on work and not on him or when I'm on my phone too much. We had a chat a few weeks ago and I said if things don't improve between us (we also barely have sex) then it would be in both our interests to not carry on and he broke down saying he wouldn't cope without me and would never get over it etc and I felt so awful and guilty.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking but wondering whether this does all sound a bit controlling or am I being dramatic?

He’s punishing you for being away.
He’ll be distant and sad when you get back, you’ll be apologetic, he’ll forgive you and you will “tow the line” to appease him.

Wait till you get back and then leave op.
It’s the perfect opportunity.

It just goes to show how our relationship wasn't as deep as I thought that he can suddenly end it like this and has already started talking about the practical stuff like the house. I am shocked to be honest. I feel embarrassed it's all happened so quickly

Beware OP, this sounds like a classic abuse tactic. He’s expecting you to come running and beg him to change his mind. If you don’t he’ll try a different approach.

Have you got anywhere to stay when you get home. If you return to him for any amount of time he’s going to make things very unpleasant. You might not see it but this is all really really common textbook stuff.

My very best advice is to return home when he’s not there, get you kit and stay elsewhere until you can find somewhere else to live. Get some legal advice and file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, you can describe his controlling behaviour. Call Womens Aid, they will be able to advise you on what to do.

Honestly though this is all a bluff to punish you for going away. He wants you under his nose all of the time and he’ll do anything to achieve it. He’s banking on you capitulating to his threats. Don’t do it. He’s shown you who he is now, believe him for god’s sake. This will never get better and it’s already getting worse.

Good luck. Better to have a short marriage to a controlling abuser than a long one, I can tell you that from personal experience. The longer it goes on the smaller you’ll get, and if you think divorce now is messy, you just wait until ten years have tripped by. Take this opportunity he’s handed you. Do not cave in, I guarantee you’ll regret it if you do.

Don't worry, I am definitively not going to cave in, this is my way out as I have been miserable and feel far too young to settle for this life. Yes I have got family I can go straight back to so don't have to stay with him.

It's hard to see it as abuse but I do understand that's how others see it, I think it's just harder when you are in the thick of it to recognise it

It is definitely abuse.

When do you go back, OP? I would collect your stuff, go to your family's house, and tell him that you'll only be communicating with him from now on through a solicitor.

I've been in a coercive abusive relationship. Similar to yours, it was sexless and controlling and filled with huffs, emotional blackmail and threats of separating. Getting out of it is genuinely the best thing you could do for yourself.

Actually, Whatisthisfuckery has given better advice than me. Go home and get your things when he isn't there, and then only communicate through your solicitor. No need to tell him anything.

Wait for 'The Script' to start.
The flouncing;
The cajoling:
The wheedling;
The blaming;
The claims of mental/physical ill health and threats of suicide;
Then, the blame.Rinse and repeat.
Stay strong and good luck.

No it wasn't as deep as you thought it was.
Because he's an abusive, controlling narcissist.
You recognised it. You didn't bow to his every whim.
So bye bye!!!
Thanks goodness.
This your out. Do not cave in when the 'hoovering' begins.
Get out and get to family and friends fast.
This won't be over OP.
Trust us!!!

@@gbbo123 I strongly recommend you get to a solicitor and file for divorce before he does. Use the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and document his controlling behaviour, trying to isolate you from your friends and family and trying to prevent you completing your uni work. Get yourself one step ahead and dictate the narrative, otherwise he’ll be framing you as the controlling abusive one. If he makes things difficult, which he is bound to do, getting your side in first will make a big difference. Also you won’t have to attend mediation with him if he is abusive, so you’ll save time and money and he won’t get the opportunity to wheedle his manipulative poison. I’d be getting right on the blower to WA if I were you. They will be able to advise you on how best to conduct things. There are slightly different rules and procedures for women divorcing abusive men.

You need to stop being scared to call it abuse though. He is abusive, there’s no doubt about it. The way you address this now will have an impact on how things go down the line so please don’t excuse or minimise. I guarantee he’ll be awkward and make things as difficult as he can. he’ll probably do what mine di and play the victim, they always do. You need your side in first so his subsequent behaviour can be viewed with that in mind.

I know you’re hesitant to call him abusive, I know how you feel, it took me years after leaving even to accept that my ex is abusive, even though he continues to be psychologically and financially abusive to this day. Please don’t do what I did and minimise it when you’re petitioning for divorce. I’ve been struggling for 6 years to divorce my ex and I don’t think it would’ve been so difficult if I’d been honest with myself from the start.

Good luck. Please remain deaf to all his manipulative tactics. If you report it on here we’ll all be along to tell you we’ve all seen it before. This is all much more common than you think. Once you see what’s going on you’ll realise that they all have a script. It’s like they all go to the same finishing school or something.

Stay strong and resolute. You admit you’ve made a mistake by marrying him and it would’ve been better if you’d done something back then, but you didn’t, but never mind, the next best time is now.

Thank you so much @Whatisthisfuckery

I can't actually file for divorce because we have only been married a few months. So I won't be able to until a year I think? At the moment he is being reasonable financially but I am not naive to think that could completely change. We only have the house to sort out, which I am prepared for him to take as i can't afford it and it's not close to my family. There's nothing else so as much as I am dreading it all hopefully it won't be as bad as I worried about it being financially. I'm going back tonight so will be as strong as I can and prepare myself for the script

I don’t know where you stand as the marriage has been so short, but don’t settle for him having everything. You’ve put time, energy and money into that house. It’s not just his and he doesn’t get to keep it as a reward for his abusive behaviour.

You can get a free 30 minute apt with some solicitors so I strongly recommend you find one of them to consult. Make sure you know what you want to ask and get everything covered quickly though because those 30 minutes go in a flash.

Again, Womens’ Aid will be best placed to advise you.

Get all the info and support you can. I didn’t know any of it existed when I embarked on my divorce so I’ve had a miserable time of it. I wish I hadn’t minimised I’d known about all the services and help available back then as I’m sure things would have been easier, and cheeper.

Don’t go blundering in with your eyes closed, or tip toe around him because you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You went into this marriage with the best of intentions and he didn’t.

oh dear OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. So many red flags though about this man - from the lovebombing at the beginning, to the being reluctant for you to go out with friends. Your doubts were your gut telling you that it was wrong. You should have listened to them.

Agree he was putting on a mask in the first few months - that wasn't the real him. And he'll be back too. Get advice and feel lucky that you haven't had children with him.

I hope your night wasn't too bad OP.
You sound strong and confident.
Good luck with everything.

Controlling behaviour generally comes from insecurity in one way or another, but that doesn't mean it should be excused.

You need to think about what YOU want, not what he wants.

Sorry I hadn't read the updates before I posted.
It's good that he ended it even though you may now be in shock, however you need to remain firm and strong and focus only on what YOU want, and not on what he wants, because more than likely he will be back begging you to take him back.

Try not doing what he wants and see how he reacts. If he gets angry/upset/tries to blame you, he's controlling

If you haven't had sex, then you can seek an anullment.