Is he a bit controlling or just insecure?

[gbbo123]

Hi, this is a bit long so bear with me

I got married 6 months ago, and I'm starting to wonder now if he is controlling or whether it's just insecure.

Background - things seemed to move very quickly which I was flattered by because I'd been with so many dick heads before him, so when he told me he loved me after a few weeks it felt romantic for a change. We got engaged and bought a house after 2 years which didn't seem quick to me but now does feel like it. I have anxiety so for the first couple years of our relationship I was quite insecure and dealing with anxiety and he was always so reassuring I counted myself lucky as thought no one else would put up with me.

A few weeks before the wedding I was plagued with doubts but felt I couldn't pull out so close and let everyone down and hurt him and worried it could have just been my anxiety etc. I thought I'd feel better after the wedding when all the pressure was off but I haven't at all.

Since then, I haven't felt insecure at all so I'm thinking it's highlighted his insecurities maybe as I'm not asking for reassurance any more and feeling more confident? Some examples- he feels I'm spending too much time with friends now and not including him, and he's annoyed ive visited my family on my own without him. He gets in a mood when I'm concentrating on work and not on him or when I'm on my phone too much. We had a chat a few weeks ago and I said if things don't improve between us (we also barely have sex) then it would be in both our interests to not carry on and he broke down saying he wouldn't cope without me and would never get over it etc and I felt so awful and guilty.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking but wondering whether this does all sound a bit controlling or am I being dramatic?

Thank you, I'm not blaming anyone for suggesting that at all, that's why I posted as I didn't know if I was being dramatic or over thinking it, as this behaviour isn't constant, there's a lot of niceness there too and making me feel special, and it's more subtle than my ex or other people you read about on here. I guess I was cautious of making myself sound like a victim when I don't/didn't feel like one. Thank you everyone for your support on here

Hi everyone, sorry me again.

Since posting this the other day, everything has been 'normal', as in apart from a couple of snide remarks from him, nothings been controlling particularly (he's made some comments about me doing work too much, but for context I'm writing my thesis which i am now in my final year of writing, so it is important work and I don't do it every evening or weekend but he really doesn't like me doing it in the evening at all) and so I now feel fraudulent for having writing all this, is that normal? Because of how everything's been I've become distant with him which he keeps pointing out, so I actually feel I'm the one being horrible now which is making me feel guilty.

Abusers aren't horrible all the time. They have to be nice part of the time in order to make you wonder if you're getting things wrong.

He should be encouraging and supporting you to work now, not complaining that you shouldn't work in the evening.

You're not fraudulent at all. He's abusive. You deserve better.

Thanks for replying. Last week he booked my favourite restaurant after some good comments I had about work, but then on the day said he was going to cancel it because I seem to be too busy with work at the moment because I needed to do work one night last week, although I didn't end up doing it because of his comments and he said he doesn't want me working in the evening too much now. He didn't cancel it and we went but I couldn't enjoy it properly. The thing is though I see it as petty and behaviour and feel calling it abuse seems too strong?

So he dangled a carrot and then threatened to withdrew it as a punishment for you working on your thesis. You had to capitulate to placate him and got your reward for being a good compliant little girl. No wonder you didn't have a good time!! You must have been fucked off at his childishness and worried about when you are going to be allowed finish your thesis.

A supportive, loving dh would have cleared a space for you to work, made dinner and cups of tea! He'd be saying how fucking proud of you he is, and how you'll ace this!

He's petty and manipulative! And doesn't want you to succeed on your course because it ruins his self indulgent narrative of being the big powerful man.

OP, you are terribly preoccupied with the word abuse.

He's controlling.
He's punishing you.
He's not kind.
He's snide with remarks.

Your gut is screaming at you that things aren't right.

Stop worrying about the word abuse and start focusing on the fact that you know things aren't right.

He sounds awful.

You are focusing on your past.

You are only 28.

You need to start focusing on your future.

Do you want to end up like your mother.

Get out and move on.

For what it's worth.....you are absolutely in an abusive relationship that sounds awful.

6 months married......run, run, and run.

I know, I think it's just because I read so many posts on here and think god he's not as bad as that. It's awful to think how many people end up in this situation and don't quite realise it

Oh but he is as bad as that.

Abuse like you describe from him is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares like it has with you. What you describe of his recent behaviour with the restaurant is yet more abuse from him.

Do not end up like your mother.

When it's only 20 percent of the time he's like that though (making comments, not happy about me doing things without him) it feels less justifiable and like I'm exaggerating things or that because I'm being distant with him, it's my fault really that he's reacting that way?

The barometer for a bad relationship is that you are not happy,
you do not feel free to be who you want to be.
You feel vaguely controlled, feel you have to humour your partner, feel he doesn't like you being with friends or family.
Sulks when you don't do as.
Normal relationships don't feel like that.

Happy relationships have there ups and downs.
Sometimes ye just bug each other.

But nothing like the above.

Life is so short.

A shit marriage is so bloody long.

Try and find enough love for yourself to know that you want and deserve a kind men.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It matters not that he is ok some of the time, this is precisely how such people operate. All that you write are words abused people write.

It is not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way. He still treats you badly. Would you tolerate this from a friend? No you would not.

I genuinely think he feels hard done by and that I am the one in the wrong now, because I've changed. I said before I was going to have to do some work and he says I keep 'threatening' him that I'm going to do work - like he believes I'm doing it purposely to annoy him or spend time away from him

Would you be happy to drink something that was 20% cyanide and 80% delicious tea?

I'm thinking not.

You are writing exactly like someone who's been subjected to long term conditioning through abuse.

He's being horrible to you

my life just feels such a mess now, I feel like I'd never get through it or the guilt of leaving him as he said he couldn't cope without me and I'm his whole world

So you choose to be like your Mum and your DDs the same...

What about you

That is emotional abuse

Of course he feels hard done by, you are not doing exactly what he wants.

Of course he's not happy, you are not hopping and jumping to his tune all the time, just as he likes.
Of course he feels hard done by, you have a small part of you that is not totally ground down by his bullshit.

Run, run, run.

I would rather be homeless with a sports bag on my my back with all than I own, than live the life you are signing yourself up for.
Get out.
Think hard about why people post on here.

There are so many good men out there and so many opportunities to meet them.

Don't settle for this awfulness at 28.

Just think about this for a minute - you are writing your thesis. This is important to you and, I assume, potentially to your long term career and earning prospects. But he doesn't want you to work on it? Think about that. Does that sound like the action of a person who has YOUR best interests at heart?

I cannot imagine a situation in which I am trying to do something to improve myself/ my life/ my career and that is important to me where DH does not support me. It just wouldn't happen. Ever.

my life just feels such a mess now, I feel like I'd never get through it or the guilt of leaving him as he said he couldn't cope without me and I'm his whole world

If you were his whole world he'd be falling over himself to make you happy, to encourage you with your thesis, and to support you in every way that he could. He's obviously not doing this. The comments about him not managing without you are designed to control and guilt-trip you.

So I have been agonising over this and trying to focus on work and other positive things in my life. He became more and more withdrawn from me over the last few weeks and last night has abruptly ended our marriage over text while I am away now. I am in shock, so much for saying he couldn't live without me

This is not going to get better for you and ultimately you are going to have to divorce your now husband. Please seek proper help for your own self from the likes of Womens Aid re planning your exit from this relationship and enrol yourself too onto their Freedom Programme.

I've been in a controlling relationship and I'm afraid I agree with this op.

Don't worry about what other people think - anyone who truly cares about you, anyone who matters would rather see you happy, relaxed and in a good relationship than still married to a controller.

He will get over it, he's his own responsibility, not yours. I had an ex say similar to me, he said things that made me worry about suicide. Guess what, he moved on and is still alive and well, in a relationship etc.

Posted before seeing your post there op.

Wow.

Well actually I think it's a tactic to make you beg, get power back etc.

But even if it isn't a tactic, it goes to show how unstable/changeable he is, and how the relationship & marriage was based on sand, not Rick. It all sounds very fast.

I think he knows he's not going to get what he wants with you as well (which would be a v unhealthy relationship).