Is he a bit controlling or just insecure?

[gbbo123]

Hi, this is a bit long so bear with me

I got married 6 months ago, and I'm starting to wonder now if he is controlling or whether it's just insecure.

Background - things seemed to move very quickly which I was flattered by because I'd been with so many dick heads before him, so when he told me he loved me after a few weeks it felt romantic for a change. We got engaged and bought a house after 2 years which didn't seem quick to me but now does feel like it. I have anxiety so for the first couple years of our relationship I was quite insecure and dealing with anxiety and he was always so reassuring I counted myself lucky as thought no one else would put up with me.

A few weeks before the wedding I was plagued with doubts but felt I couldn't pull out so close and let everyone down and hurt him and worried it could have just been my anxiety etc. I thought I'd feel better after the wedding when all the pressure was off but I haven't at all.

Since then, I haven't felt insecure at all so I'm thinking it's highlighted his insecurities maybe as I'm not asking for reassurance any more and feeling more confident? Some examples- he feels I'm spending too much time with friends now and not including him, and he's annoyed ive visited my family on my own without him. He gets in a mood when I'm concentrating on work and not on him or when I'm on my phone too much. We had a chat a few weeks ago and I said if things don't improve between us (we also barely have sex) then it would be in both our interests to not carry on and he broke down saying he wouldn't cope without me and would never get over it etc and I felt so awful and guilty.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking but wondering whether this does all sound a bit controlling or am I being dramatic?

Part of the reason I talked myself into going through with the wedding is I thought I'd never find someone who's loves me as much as he does, so I guess the perceptions I have are more ingrained in me than I thought. I'm so dissapointed in myself as I always thought of myself as so strong and a feminist and I'd never end up with anyone like my dad or my first boyfriend

Don't be disappointed in yourself OP.
You have now recognised it.
That's a good thing.
OH..... and if you end it he will keep on telling you that 'no-one will love you as much as I do'.... blah blah blah.
'You'll never find anyone else as great as me'... blah blah blah.
They all say this!

Don’t be disappointed in yourself. Dd was a strong, independent feminist. But she fell for her abuser practically instantly. They are very good at what they do.

I'm also really disappointed I didn't see this and wasn't strong enough to realise before the wedding.
For people that have been through it, how difficult and awful is divorce and sorting out property together? I always read how it's one of the worst things you can go through

www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/gender/the-eight-step-road-map-to-murder-that-might-save-women-s-lives-20190911-p52qfs.html?fbclid=IwAR3As99jj79XVu88oR62qajtbfFnmXdrd2g0czJ7nAqiCy6Q5y18HmvFQTs

Not worse than staying with an abuser.

I got the chills reading your post op. He will get so much worse if you stay, his mask is just staring to drop.

I've been reading up on narcissistic abuse for around ten years now, seen it first hand several times myself and ran a social group where people who has been though it, could come and share their stories and I'm telling you - your partner is abusive.

Selling a house might be a dreadful FAFF and he'll no doubt make it difficult but in comparison staying with someone who hates your guts (and make no mistake, he does, and that hate will grow and grow) meh, it's a walk in the park.

It was a nightmare.
Mainly for me, because my ExH lived off grid in another country.
It took me 5 years to divorce him but I get everything.
So it worked out well in the end.
If all you have is 1 property together and it's a short marriage then it really shouldn't be too hard to sort out.
You sell up and split the equity 50:50 and say goodbye.
You will need your marriage certificate for file for divorce though.

Splitting up and separating everything now will feel messy yes, but nowhere near as messy as if you stay another 10 years, possibly have DC and take years of his abuse insecurity and end up a shell of the woman you are now. Sorry if that's harsh but it's what will happen if you stay.

The problem is we have a house together, it feels so messy to get out of and I feel everyone would judge me because of a short marriage or think I'm a bad person because I've left him devastated

I'm pretty sure you are actually my SIL time travelling from 10 years ago. This is the kind of stuff she was saying in the first few years of her relationship with her DH. And she stayed, and of course, things haven't improved. On the surface, they have a nice life and he adores her and their DC etc etc. But if she's half an hour late from work or wants to pop round to see us for a couple of hours in the evening it's not worth the aggravation. She has and does claw certain independences because he hasn't completely got her under control. But it's so bloody hard.

He even crashed her baby shower with a whole spiel about how it was his baby too. And ruined it by being in a mood for the first two hours.

Please please please don’t get pregnant, OP. I lived in complete dread of my dd getting pregnant.....

Don't worry there's no chance of getting pregnant, I've no desire to am on contraception and we never have sex anyway!

I just don't know how people find the strength to leave when they are saying all those things and how to cope with the guilt of it all

Why would you feel guilty? There is absolutely no reason why anyone needs to feel guilty about ending an unhappy relationship with a manipulator / abuser.

You should never martyr yourself because of what you believe other people might think.

My solicitor has today lodged my divorce papers with the court. My counsellor has said that my husband is horribly controlling and abusive but it just crept up on me, over years. I got used to living a smaller and smaller life, to accommodate his horrible behaviour. I look back on how I used to be and am so sad that I have reached this point.

My husband continues to be as difficult as he possibly can be. He sends me horrible emails, demanding answers and typed in block capitals while denying that he's angry. He will swear that black is white. My GP has said I have PTSD from how he's treated me.

I can honestly say that I am so happy to be divorcing him. He's a sad excuse for a man and although things are difficult now, and I know they'll be worse once he sees the divorce petition in which my solicitor has described how controlling and abusive he is, I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders. I am already happier. I am already busier and enjoying my small achievements more. Divorce for me isn't proving to be horrible, it's proving to be a whole load of doors opening. It's liberating.

Don't be afraid, gbbo. Be bold and brave and true to yourself. You can do this.

I think the guilt comes from the fact that he absolutely would never see himself as being controlling and cares so much about me. He would be so upset to think that's how I see him because he knows about my previous relationship experiences and wouldn't put himself in the same category. And always says things like how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and makes me promise we'll stay together forever etc

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Abusers never see themselves as being abusive though. He feels no guilt or even remorse about how he has treated you at all, he is all likelihood feels he has done nothing wrong with regards to you. But he has and that is all on him, you did not cause him to act as he has done. Such men hate women, all of them.

More likely those are YOUR thoughts projected onto him - if YOU were him you would feel awful to think your partner thinks you are abusive. You assume he is the same as you, a normal empathetic human being. And perhaps the things he says sometimes backs it up...when it suits him. But look at his actions.

There's a film/book called life of pie, dunno if you've seen it but there's a part in it when a boy nearly gets mauled by a tiger for getting too close. His father saves him and tells him the tiger is a predator and would kill him without a thought and the boy protests sometging likes 'there is good in there father,I see it in its eyes' and the father says that the tigers is simply reflecting the boys own good soul back at him. I've always felt that describes abusers so well.

But that's just it. They 'care so much about you' that they can't bear it if you go out without them. It upsets them so much that they do everything in their power to prevent you from spending time apart. It's a big bad nasty world out there you see, and they don't want other men hanging around lusting after you. Or worse, that you will be lusting after other men and be shagging everything you can lay your hands on. Best thing to do is to not let you go out at all.

Especially not a weekend away 'visiting family'. After all, you could be up to anything, couldn't you?

I understand it's so hard OP when your parents relationship hasn't set an appropriate threshold by which you can measure your own relationships. I've struggled with this too, well at least he doesn't hit me, everyone shouts and calls each other names etc When all of that isn't true.

Controlling someone through guilt is just as much abuse as controlling them through threats.

In fact he sounds the type who will ramp up guilt to threats when the former stops working, only the threat will be that he will kill himself if you leave.

His future is his to own and it would be unfair for him to act as if you can make or break it but I think that's what he will do. It is not in your control and in an unhappy relationship, even though you should leave for your own sake, on top of that it's far kinder to give him the opportunity to meet someone compatible and for you to do the same.

Do you have a close friend / family member you can talk things through with so you can work put a plan of action?

Poor you OP one of my biggest fears is getting cold feet before a wedding because although I seem like a gobshite I hate letting people down too. It's about flipping that mentality though - it's kinder to do the hard thing if it's the right thing.

Many posters on here are presuming the guys a manipulative bastard and will ruin the OPs life and she should immediately run. And if he is then I totally agree.

However, did you read the bit about what their relationship used to be like? It could just be that the guy got used to them doing everything together when she wasn’t strong and now suddenly she has more confidence and the balance has changed. The reason may be because he looked after her so well and gave her love when she never thought she’d find someone. And that made her be a stronger woman, which is great.
It could be that now he just doesn’t understand what’s happening as suddenly things have changed. They haven’t perhaps talked about it much. Suddenly she’s out without him unlike previously and he is feeling abandoned and he’s wondering what’s changed and she’s acting different and he doesn’t know how to fix it. Is she no longer in love with him, what’s happening etc.

In answer to people’s questions earlier, that’s what I mean about working on trust. He doesn’t know what’s going on and just needs reassured that she’s just having a life, it’s nothing inappropriate, and it’s all fine she still loves him. Additionally, that’s what I meant about educating him. Telling him what she’s thinking. Men are not mind readers. He won’t understand why things have suddenly changed if she doesn’t tell him.

After that, if at that point he is still doing anything manipulative then I totally agree she should go before it ramps up. ASAP

Oh, and to answer an earlier statement, I wouldn’t have recommended couples counselling if he is a manipulative bastard, only if there has been a breakdown in communication and he’s just a bit lost and doesn’t know how to respond, which I wonder if this is, in order to help him change and be reassured in this new phase of the relationship where the OP is more confident.

But OP if the way he’s behaved has put him off you and you feel you no longer love him, or he has frightened you with his behaviour, once that magic has gone it won’t come back. Time to go.

If a fully grown man makes you feel like you're kicking a puppy, I'd be confident in saying they're abusive and manipulative.

Trust me, if you stay, that guilt will turn into cold contempt. Which makes telling them to fuck off and get on with it when they deliberately time a half arsed suicide attempt for when you're out/just about to walk in or ignoring their (repeated) 2am texts that announce they're parked at a big cliff and 'want to say goodbye' so much easier to deal with. But it won't change to that until you've been suffocated, lost multiple chances/opportunities and probably don't recognise yourself in the mirror anymore.

My leech didn't realise I was watching him from the stairs as he waited, played a game on his phone, then sent a text to his mother telling her he had moved back in and wouldn't be back until Sunday to get his clothes, until he thought I was due out of the toilet - he then took a blunt blade out of his pocket and was working out what he thought would be a convincing position for me to think I'd just caught him in time as I walked round the corner of the stairs.

According to him, he also took 100 paracetamol several times, but just went to sleep and had no side effects (yes, by the fifth time, I had got to the point of saying to myself 'aren't you supposed to be dead this morning?' as my old mobile - no blocking facility and I was waiting for payday to get a new number - pinged with yet more messages accusing me of having met somebody else). He also had 'near fatal' asthma attacks that stopped instantly when there was no audience because I'd pretended not to hear the fake hacking cough on the other side of the door.

They always find a new rescuer, though. Who will end up feeling exactly the same way about him (and in turn, will be portrayed to the next as an evil, uncaring cheater as you will be).

It gets all rather tedious after a while.

But it's worth getting free sooner rather than later - you'll be able to breathe freely. And nothing can beat that feeling.

That does sound quite controlling tbh

Why is there no sex?

Elieza, with respect, you don't have the understanding of abuse dynamics to give advice in this situation. Your advice will place the OP in further danger by exposing more of her personal thoughts and plans to him - which he will use to further and better control her.

I would strongly advise that you do the Freedom Programme and read Lundy's Why Does He Do That. Read it away from home, don't let your partner know you have a copy. Reflect on what you learn.

OP, your story is similar to mine. Rapid relationship, previous abusive relationships, felt he was rescuing me, felt I owed my family to marry, highly controlling, isolating, saw lots of his family, little of mine. The controlling gets worse over time and he totally dropped the mask once I was pregnant. Don't make the same mistake I made. Plot spoiler - Family Court is expensive and horrific.

You can't save him. Save yourself.

Tbf to him you are changing and that's changing the dynamics of the relationship so he's going to feel the shift under his feet BUT you need to be the true you.
So reset the relationship. Hold fast to the boundaries like seeing your friends etc. Communicate, reassure him that happy couples do things separately and that doesn't reflect on how much you love him. But make sure you do things how and when you want to sometimes. Make sure there is give and take on both sides. Re -educate him.

If he can adapt then all is well and good. If he can't then practicalities of splitting up will be sorted. At the end of the day do you want to be with this man in twenty years time if he continues as he is? If you don't, then it's better to do it sooner rather than later.

Marriages shouldn’t be about NEEDING the other person. It’s about making the choice to WANT to be married to them. His spiel about not living without you is needy and manipulative - and untrue. And quite frankly even if it were true you don’t need to feel guilt about that. Yes it may well hurt him but its perfectly reasonable for you to box up that guilt and say to yourself that you’re more important here. The only person responsible for his happiness is himself. The only person responsible for yours is you. Make the choice for you.