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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 170: Know your worth

999 replies

Ginmel · 16/09/2019 18:05

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 27/09/2019 17:38

We have all been here @FMFL
But I think @lifegoes is right and the low of losing him won't be half as bad as the low of never getting from him what you deserve. He immediate pain will be horrible. But so much better in the long run than knowing you are settling for crumbs.

FMFL · 27/09/2019 17:59

It’s the immediate pain I’m frightened of. This is the first man I’ve had feelings for since my ex. It’s like he’s opened the floodgates! And I’m going to be devastated. But I know, I know, that’s going to happen anyway and better on my terms early on. I am trying to shake the feeling that it’ll be a mistake.

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 18:01

Honestly @FMFL you will get a sense of relief. Then it will hit you. You will worry have you done the right thing. What if you could just handle the way things were.

But you just have to keep remembering.

How is he making you feel now?
How is this benefiting you at all?
Is it ever going to change?

YOU DESERVE BETTER

MoreNiceCereal · 27/09/2019 18:02

@FMFL, I missed most of your issues with Mr Bucket because I took a break after ending it with someone in early July. He wasn't a bad man as such, just not right for me. Ending it was absolutely the right choice; he was offering me crumbs when I wanted more from him and it was painful. (We were only ever supposed to be casual but I ended up liking him too much)

I realised that the pain I felt was actually mostly due to sadness over missing out on a nice relationship with my ex for so many years. It hit me hard - here was a man who treated me with respect in a way my ex never did. I spent years accepting awful behaviour, not having any idea I could do better.

That guy was better, in a way, but not good enough at all.

It took a couple of weeks for me to feel better and some drunk texts ugh and now I'm in a place where I feel able to negotiate what I want. (Not a serious relationship at all, as it turns out)

I'm still feeling my way through things. Recently have started a fwb with Mr HK, and have been pondering over how emotionally invested I will choose to be. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be emotionally vulnerable with him specifically and possibly with any man I date in general. But I couldn't have been so confident in this decision without previous heartache.

I'm rambling. I just hope you can get to the point where you can feel like this experience has helped you learn more about yourself, and use that knowledge in future relationships. Flowers

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 18:22

That's a really good post @MoreNiceCereal really makes me wonder about what it is that I'm really missing with my FB. Because I don't want a relationship. But I couldn't bare how he treated me.

HairyArsedMan · 27/09/2019 18:34

Thanks @KhaleesiTargaryen from what I remember of your profile you have nothing to be insecure about. If you can avoid mentioning anything then no one will have the foggiest.

@WooMaWang sorry I wouldn't be so crass as to say warts and all. It's funny the parts that you can find so attractively put together (clavicles and the shape of the back of the neck totally made my brain fog over with desire in one notable case I keep having to tell myself to forget about)

@lifegoes Yeah I understood you were talking from the statistical point of view and excluding blokes on the thread (though maybe we need to be included as I'm sure none of us are perfect either). I think I was a bit defensive there ! Sorry about that. I'll explain and maybe you'll see why ? I think the endings of a long term relationship are so multi-factorial and complicated as to not be capturable by statistics. I can say I became exhausted, and I couldn't meet her needs, I can say I tried ever so hard for the sake of our child, and that so did she, but we weren't seeing things clearly, that an earlier affair had put a rift between us, that the trust was gone, that respect was lost. But so, so difficult to assign a cause when those are the symptoms of things gone wrong somewhere much earlier. Honestly either of us could have/should have pulled the plug before all of those things happened. If she called time then the stats. swing from the man to the woman doing the ending, and the (untrue) accusation of me having an affair gets reported as the truth in the surveys.

I do understand your interest in the aggregate behaviour of blokes in how they behave to end things too, there's tons of examples here on the relationships board of the misogyny and anger that leads them to utterly disregard their home and history in the relationship. It truly shocks me.

The picture is pretty awful if you look at statistics in a certain way though - there are so many relationship failures compared to successes as we have to go through what ? about half a dozen or so, before we figure it out. But if you look at eventual outcomes most people get there, so you could skew it the other way and say the statistics say we mostly end up happy and not with a guy/woman that cheats on us. Please no-one come along and says the happy people are just in a slow motion failure - I'm trying to be positive here.

Umm, dating. Barely a mention of it - sorry !

MoreNiceCereal · 27/09/2019 18:42

I'm not even sure long term relationships are a realistic goal. I recognise I am still in recovery from ending a 20 year relationship, and I missed dating in my 20s and most of my 30s. I don't see myself living out the rest of my days with just one person.

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 18:42

Oh @HairyArsedMan it wasn't trying to define things. I was just simply interested in everyone's history with this. Of course it depends on everyone's circumstances and reasons behind things. I never left an abusive relationship for 7 years because I wanted to have a "good family life" for my son.

I guess my wanting to know, is because I'm still trying to process the ending of something I've done and I'm starting to wonder if he did things to force my hand etc. Because it's easier for him if I go than him say it. Which then lead me to reading up on it and asking the question.

It was just a general question to see what people thought, based on their own history. There is no right or wrong. And as with all stats it's based on a group of people who are selected. So therefore any stats are not factually correct. (If you get me) but I Hope I didn't annoy you with my questioning. It really was for me to understand something because I'm hurting.

HairyArsedMan · 27/09/2019 19:24

Gosh I wasn't annoyed @lifegoes no need to be bothered about that and the questions are totally relevant to your situation. Your story reminded me of someone I was best man for who had two affairs within a couple of years of marriage and the first I knew of it was his wife quizzing me about it, so that's another personal story to add to the picture of some exceptionally horrendous behaviour. I do think that it is exceptional though despite your experiences to the contrary - I hope you can lose the hurt really soon.

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 19:42

Glad I didn't, the last thing I wanted to do was seem like I judge anyone. Do you think he'll miss me or perhaps did force my hand in ending it? @HairyArsedMan

KhaleesiTargaryen · 27/09/2019 21:47

@lifegoes years and years ago, when I was 19, I was seeing a guy who was best mates with my good friend ‘s bf. We’d go out all 4 of us.. for a good couple of months . One night we’d all been out (her flat was in city and I stayed a bit further out) we all crashed at theirs and the next morning he made a call on their phone (pre-mobiles) to his fiancé!!! None of them thought to mention her to me! Even my friend. I just got up and left while he was still on the phone. I felt so disposable it was horrible. Apparently I was an itch he had to scratch. I never spoke to him again.

I know it’s not a patch on what you’ going through but I might have some inkling of how you feel. You’re worth so much more than some selfish, entitled person’s side dish.
Don’t care about what he’s thinking. Leave him in your dust, where he belongs x

Pinkdoor · 27/09/2019 21:57

Me again. I've posted before but not for a couple of weeks.

I am fucking DONE with OLD. It is awful, the men are awful. I am beyond fed up. I had a cry about it earlier. I hate it.

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 22:10

Thanks @KhaleesiTargaryen That's awful, I can understand how you felt. you are so right. just feels a year wasted and whilst I never seen him as relationship material, I'm glad I ended it when I did which was mainly down to me not tolerating his behaviour towards me any longer and I would never ever go back. But to learn he's planning his wedding on top of everything else. How did I get to this age and yet still feel hurt by this. I should be able to just walk away with a thank you but no.

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 22:11

Maybe taking some time out for you would be good @Pinkdoor

KhaleesiTargaryen · 27/09/2019 23:00

Totally get you @lifegoes it’s not about what you had (however casual) it’s that he was leading this whole other life, if he’d been straight with you you’d never have gone there and that’s galling. I felt tricked. And frivolous. And all sorts of shitty things.

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 23:08

Totally @KhaleesiTargaryen but you live and learn don't you.

HairyArsedMan · 27/09/2019 23:41

@lifegoes it is said that the truly polyamorous feel hurt when things end but this guy, well he was lying to you and his fiancée. I don't think it's a stretch to imagine his conscience is bothering him nor whether he cares that much,I'm.sorry to say so bluntly. It's borderline sociopath territory I think, so the only thing you can think about here is yourself and devote your thoughts to your life and the gold things in it.

HairyArsedMan · 27/09/2019 23:43

Fuck ..erm.. good things I mean, not gold things. That would be weird

lifegoes · 27/09/2019 23:50

You know @HairyArsedMan that was exactly what I needed to hear. I smiled and nodded whilst reading it. Thank you.

And I'll take the gold things thanks

SBD1 · 28/09/2019 00:41

Seeing Mr Cactus tomorrow night and then we'll take the dogs out Sunday morning. I made a point of waiting for him to arrange it because I usually make the arrangements. Just didn't talk to him all day. He didn't do anything wrong its just I wanted to see if he would make plans with me.

I'm sad, Shark Week started. No sexy time for me :(

In other news, anyone heard of the Satisfyer Pro 2. Its about £34 on amazon AND OH MY "O"

Every woman who has toys needs it. 30 seconds flat. By golly.

CodLiverOil556 · 28/09/2019 02:16

Quick one for you all...what would you do if you found out one of your irons had some quite bizarre kinks? I'm quite open minded but they have shocked me a tiny bit but have found myself researching them more and am coming round to the idea Blush

DustMyselfOff · 28/09/2019 06:38

As a kinkster myself i feel would need more information Wink
You give the impression that you'd be willing to explore it though so what advice are you after? As long as you stick with safe/sane/consensual I see no issue with trying new things

supercali77 · 28/09/2019 07:26

Oh @pinkdoor I'm sorry to hear you're upset. It can be bloody rough. Anything in particular you want to share? A break is always good.

Notcoolmum · 28/09/2019 07:36

Why no sex on your period @SBD1 ?

Sorry you are having a crappy time with OLD @Pinkdoor

@HairyArsedMan @lifegoes my last proper LTR was with someone who had a full on double life going. I considered his behaviour sociopathic and can't see he ever felt any genuine remorse. He's now married with kids and I sometimes wonder can he really have changed?

SBD1 · 28/09/2019 07:39

@Notcoolmum I have heavvvvyyg periods it would be like a violent crime scene.

I used to with an ex and it was fine but eh, too early to tell Mr Cactus it doesn’t bother me I think? He’s pretty clean so probably would bother him. But oh my god that would help my cramps