Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Some interesting stories here about men doing the dumping. Because it just feels like men will force your hand. So they will actually want it to be over but rather than say, act like an utter cock so you actually say the words.

@Chocolate123 I absolutely agree with that because studies prove more men cheat in a marriage than women. And when they are caught out they beg to be forgave. It's def the loneliness.

@WooMaWang I will be honest I only now one man that left a marriage, which was my father. But he had another woman and moved in with her. Your ex and that guy who ghosted you after 3 years has made my blood boil

A big hmm! on the differences in bodies discussion. As a very athletic lean sort I encountered this insecurity in dates/relationships and tried to express to them (but obviously failed) that I was with them for everything about them warts and all and I was far from perfect. So I think you've all reached the right conclusion. It's the whole package - you needn't feel judged or insecure. As it happens my body is not really something I think about - it's almost an incidental product of the training and what I love to do rather than some standard that I judge others by.

I don't think I've handled this issue very well in my relationships as it's come up a lot. How would you all like it to be dealt with, if you don't mind me asking ?

@KermitRulesOK Big shout out to you too, you're a star !

@lifegoes I do feel it's unwise to generalise as I'd like to be judged by my actions and not a shit load of other guys actions. Sounds like you've encountered/heard about some some horrible cowards though. I left the LTR because I'd had enough. I sat down and said that it was wearing me down and I was exhausted and we'd be better off apart.

Love to you all today,
HairyPalmedMan

I haven't been on to update this week. This time last week I had 2 irons on the go and was quite hopeful about 1 in particular. Anyway that one Mr Boat messaged me Sat am saying "Lets just be friends..." I was gutted as quite liked him. Went on a quick date with Mr Local but as soon as I saw him I just knew he wasn't for me - just didn't gel at all. So that was a lesson for meeting up in person for sure.
After those disappointments spent last weekend swiping on 2 apps (Tinder and Bumble) and so far haven't got anywhere. I probably swiped on way more men than I normally would have done I find it a bit odd as previously I've always managed to get a decent number of matches?? I did match with 2 guys on Tinder - have messaged them but neither has replied!! So not sure if maybe I need to change my profile to make it look different or just give it a rest for a couple of weeks. Does everyone get spells of this - just no matches???

Mr Ad noticed my stretch marks on my hips the other day and said they are where I grew my babies. Which some of them are but the one ones on my hips are from puberty, so I told him. I am not ashamed of them. My body has grown and shrunk and they are the physical manifestations of that...nothing to be ashamed of.
He is very self conscious about certain things but i don't notice them because if I really like someone then it goes deeper than what they look like and I hope most men feel that way too. Obviously there has to be some kind of physical attraction there but the minor 'imperfections' as we see them, often aren't seen that way by the person we are in a relationship with.

My ex never ended a relationship either...including our marriage. He always found someone else first and either got found out or left for them.

@HairyArsedMan I’ve learned not to voice my insecurities to avoid drawing attention to them - you’ve seen my pics 😂 I fed have crows feet (laughter lines I’d prefer to call them)!
I think others have summed it up - just to be reassured that we are beautiful in your eyes... as the sum of all our parts so to speak. Our individuality.
A lovely guy I went out with said I had the perfect nose (I think it’s too pointy 😂) but it was the way he looked at me when he said these things, I just felt joy.
Does that make sense?

*def have

Oh I'm not generalising @HairyArsedMan I asked the question openly and also apologised to the men on thread. Looking at other replies the majority speaks for its self I do however think that could be based on their own experiences or vulnerabilities. At no point am I going to judge anyone based on that. Just like I wouldn't base the fact that most men cheat (another study over and over proven that they do more than women) that my next man will cheat on me. I take everyone on face value.

@iamthrough Absolutely. Sometimes in the past it would feel that nothing was out there and then suddenly there was loads.

It's so refreshing to hear the amount of times we as women get anxious about our bodies. Yet experiences tell us that majority of men don't even care. And those that do, well that says it all.

Totally @lifegoes those that do will find fault with anyone.

I also have these little droughts @iamthrough feast and famine!

In my experience men rarely leave too. I think they kind of “non-verbally” dump you sometimes.

@lifegoes www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3604484-Dating-thread-161-Can-anybody-find-me-somebody-to-love#87706218 This was the post - thanks for remembering it. I'm not sure men have half the hangups we do about our bodies - social conditioning at its finest. Maybe they have other worries - not having a good enough job/earning enough money, driving a 15 year old car, still renting at 45 instead of being a home owner?

None of my exes have ever said anything negative about how I look so I think I'm lucky in that regard, but I'm still perfectly capable of being my own worst critic about some of my features. When you're with the right person, beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder.

I was dumped by MrA after seeing him for 4 months - looking back I can see he did it for the best of reasons - I was falling for him and he didn't feel the same - had a great time together, good friends, great sex but something was missing (for him at least). He was very lovely about it, but it still hurt. My STBXH had an affair, but he left me citing "mental health" issues aka can't live with the guilt any longer, but I officially ended it 8 months later when physically threw him out of the house when his house of cards came crashing down.

@KermitRulesOK Nice to see you're back in the game and have some irons. MrIcrematedhisbrotherafewmonthsago best iron name ever.

Yes. Thank you for posting that @JeSuisPrest so interesting even reading through that thread and seeing how things have changed and how we have grown in way.

I found the post, and I thought I would post it. Because this was post that has always stayed with me.

Not sure if I've been lucky or unlucky but I'm always the one that's dumped! I think exdh was having an unreciprocated emotional affair and possibly jumped too soon because he doesn't seem very happy now.

I love that quote from @jesuisprest too, thanks for finding it @lifegoes

I was scared of having sex with a new man not least because the first few times was in daylight as ex hadn't had the kids overnight at that point. I can remember trying different positions kissing him lots hoping he wouldn't be able to see my flabby belly but actually it didn't matter. He fancied me like mad (still does) and has his own body issues which I don't notice.

Both those exes were arses @lifegoes. Indeed they did me a favour really. Being ghosted after 3 years (seriously, the fucker moved to Angus without saying anything and just disappeared) is a shit way to end things, but he was shit. So not being with him was definitely much better in the long term.

Actually, if it weren't for DS2 (who obviously benefits from having a relationship with his father), I think I'd be delighted if my most recent ex had ghosted me. Then I'd never have to see him again. 😂

@HairyArsedMan I think I'd definitely not go for the 'warts and all' approach. All I'd hear is the warts but and start thinking I was hideous. It's better to (genuinely) focus on the bits of someone that you really do like and sincerely compliment them. It's much easier to believe that someone might think my eyelashes/dimple/fingers (or whatever) are attractive, than that the entire ensemble is beautiful.

Don't go with MrSG's weirdly egotistical* technique though: 'I really like your ears. They look loads like mine'. He did the same with my ankles too and I pointed out that mine are not hairy and a lot smaller.

*he's really not the vain, egotistical nightmare this might suggest, which is why it's hilarious that he sometimes does it. I think he just likes finding similarities and common ground. He just extends liking the same kind of music or Korean food to having similarly shaped knees or whatever. The idiot.

Ooh. Unexpected bold there.

@WooMaWang I love that. Sorry 😅

@HairyArsedMan how about writing something on your profile about it?

I was dumped by Mr S although he did try going down the road if 'we needed to agree'. I didn't agree though!!

The last LTR I ended. But because he's been cheating on me for years. So it hurt me incredibly. We couldn't be together because of what he'd done. But I loved him and was so hurt by what he'd done and losing him.

Ghosting someone after 3 years is utterly appalling. I hope he has experienced being dumped since and realised what a cruel and pathetic move that was.

I've ended all mine but their behaviour was so unreasonable for so long I felt I didnt have much choice. Forced hand. The last 18mo of dating the only thing that didnt really end properly was the headfucker that told me I didnt kiss like I meant it any more...over text. I said I wasnt doing this over text so he said hed call. He didnt. Continued sending texts which I ignored. 2 months later he said he missed me and called and....I basically said no. Kind of an ending eventually. But he was a classic chase/retreat sort

I have no idea if he's got what he deserved @Notcoolmum. I have seen hide not hair of him since. I was about 24 when he did it.

Regardless, he has to be himself forever. And that's a kind of punishment in itself.

And he'll always know that our entire class (and all the lecturers) at university think he only managed to get a 2:I because of me. And they're right. 😂

Love that way of thinking @WooMaWang

Hi guys . Just after a hand-hold. Mr Bucket got back in touch 😳 and I’m back to square one, but now without any calls, just texts and the occasional meet-up. I’ve been reading Baggage Reclaim and I realise I’ve been now ‘trained ‘ to accept less and less from him. Why do I keep falling for this sh*t. There’s no need for me to ask him what’s going on, because his actions are telling me. I am so disappointed in myself but still clinging on to hope that it will go back to how it was in the beginning...another classic red flag. Aargh. Just needed to vent. I’ve told him I want to call him, so I’ll see if he agrees. I can’t dump him by text. It seems I can’t dump him at all 😢

Aw lovely @FMFL when you know what you are doing why do you that you can't stop it. You know he's turned the dial right down now so that you would be over he moon with a 5. But you deserve a 10. When you can see how little you are getting I would really and truly advise deleting your messages and blocking him. As awful as that is to do.

Oh @FMFL I do feel your pain. I did that recently and took him back. Even hid it from my friends because I knew it was wrong. But then when his behaviour didn't change and really it got worse (because he knew it would annoy me) I ended it via text. He didn't deserve a phone call and when he asked why and a bit of convo. I replied with he didn't deserve an explanation or my rationale but it wasn't for me any longer and he had absolutely ruined all chances with me. To which he apologised said he loved every min. I just blocked him on everything after that.

So please don't think you owe this guy anything by doing it via phone call. If anything that's a way for him to convince you otherwise. Pull off the plaster (it will hurt) but believe me.
The hurt after is nothing compared to the hurt/shit feelings you have during the "situations" the awful feelings you get when he's treating you wrongly.
The awful feelings that make you feel sick the awful gut feeling you get, because you know Its wrong for you.

The hurt after Is nothing compared to that. An believe me I'm currently going through that hurt.

@FMFL ah love. I thought he might do. It's hard but dont let your idea of the right medium to do it in put you off. If the man wont take a call it's a simple as 'I've been trying to call you to say this.....'. 'I cant dump him' isnt the option. He'll try to make it so you cant. But you absolutely can. Send the message. BLOCK. Everywhere. There is no hope with this kind of behaviour. Did I tell you this was how it was with mine. Just bloody wouldn't talk on the phone so I could end it. In the end I had to stop texting completely and delete everything and move on. Your moral structure is great but you're letting the details get in the way of what you know needs to happen imo

@FMFL here you go... "Hi MrBucket, look I've been having a think and I'm going to end things between us. We're looking for different things but I wish you all the best, FMFL x"

Block his number, delete his chats/pics and know your worth. Chalk this one up to experience lovely.🌻

Thank you all xxxxx

And put him mentally in the fuckit bucket
You deserve so much better