Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Good on you notcoolmum for staying strong and true to what you know is right for you.

thank you @unimpressorofcocks I am knowing my worth. These thread titles are often spookily accuracte for my circumstances!!

They're clearly like zombies @Notcoolmum. You think they're finally gone and they pop up again wreaking havoc.

I'm sorry MrS came back offering nothing more than what he already knew wasn't enough and upset you. You're right that you're not the person you were 4 months ago. He just is not able or willing to offer you what you need and deserve, and you know it.

I hope MrSAS doesn't make a zombie appearance for you @Sunshineandflipflops.

It is really true what they say... women initially feel the hurt and take awhile to get over it. But once she is over it, she is over it.

Guys tend to hide away from it all, think that we will come running back and then suddenly realise we aren't. And then a few months later, they contact you.

I read a really good study on this also, where a psychologist said for some reason. Guys take 30-60 days of NC. and then they approach. Thinking a woman will be ok now. But it's actually the worse thing they can do as In the study it proved that in the 30-60days rule 95% of women had analysed, cried, and built their strength up. So they didn't feel the need to go back.

However if the guy had contacted her within 3-5 days after the breakup there was a much higher % of women taking the men back as it was still raw.

that's really interesting @lifegoes I would 100% have taken Mr S back after 3-5 days no matter how crappy the offer.

I'm OK about him getting in touch, and seeing him. Whilst clearly I post on here when things weren't going well and the crappy way he ended things he was a nice man whose company I enjoyed. I had done enough recovery to not be broken by his reappearance although it has brought back some pain. And there is something about knowing you are wanted, even if it isn't quite enough.

😮 @lifegoes wow that’s so true ! I think once you’ve grieved and accepted it’s over something does change in you and the magic’s gone.

@notcoolmum glad you’ve seen through it. You sound very strong. No deal brexit a-go-go! 😂

Guys tend to hide away from it all, think that we will come running back and then suddenly realise we aren't. And then a few months later, they contact you.

This is exactly what my “nice guy” narcissist did with me. And then pestered me because I didn’t jump back into his arms 🙄

Do you have a link to the study @lifegoes - I love stuff like that

@lifegoes interesting study! I definitely think it's true. If my ex had come back to me in the first week I think I would have fallen into his arms in a puddle of tears, now a month on when I let myself imagine him coming back imagination-me slams the door in his face!

Ill have a look @KhaleesiTargaryen it would have been on 'psychology today' But I've read that many recently I can't remember which one it was exactly. There's loads if you search about the psychology on men after a breakup or about NC and what he thinks etc.

I remember reading a lot about NC and the steps a man goes through when I broke up with my ex. And they all have the same conclusion about how it takes a man longer during NC.

He goes through the similar stages of

Relief
Curious
Preoccupation - so often dating, rebound
Fear of loss. - because you haven't been in touch.

I'll see if I can find the article in my history

Absolutely @dazzlinghaze I think with all my breakups if they had come back quicker. I would have taken them back to fill the need of validation/hurt/want etc.

On the article it said it was the worst thing a man can do is leave NC so long.

@lifegoes yes.. leaving it so long makes it feel like arrogance on their part. Interesting that it’s male biology. Probably for the best though (that our responses are so different) because we break up for a reason. It should be against all odds that we get back together, that both of us fight the instincts in some way.

Sorry @OffspringSeason8 what exactly are you saying?

I've found @Ginmel to be nothing but nice and supportive on this thread.

Yes surprised to hear there is something untoward. @Ginmel has always been very straight up on this thread.

Please report any concerns you have to MNHQ @OffspringSeason8, this thread isn't the place for them. Agree with @lifegoes, whilst we don't really "know" anyone online and we all need to be careful with the information we share, this thread is a supportive, inclusive, judgement free zone.

Hello I'm new here. Can I join? I'm half heartedly old on fab thanks to the recommendations on here. Been lurking. I was on bumble and have made a few friends on the BFF section which is fun. BFF is so twee. I turned off the dating bit on bumble for now

Yesterday was a wasted day off work. Was on the train to the doctors, appointment cancelled as locum doctor couldn't get in because of the delay to the womans time trial. I was promised a telephone appointment for this morning which I mean, was fine but it meant another day of burning!

Just had telephone appointment, been prescribed different antibiotics and also a prophylactic antibiotic. Doctor says hes not going to send me for tests until if becomes a repeat occurrence (apparently twice does not count) but he referred to it as "honeymoon cystitis" and said if it happens again to call him back. Which obviously I would do.... Luckily managed to get him to send script to a pharmacist local to my work which I'm going to collect soon.

In other news, Mr Cactus hasn't acknowledged his birthday present that I know got delivered yesterday but has talked about what his mum and his sister got him. I actually think he's waiting for me to ask him if he likes what I got him. But I'm stubborn so I'm not going to. I'll ask him on Friday when I see him. I'm going to swan into his house and search high and low for it. And then I'm going to tickle him because he hates it.

@SBD1 I don't know what you got Mr Cactus but if I bought someone a present, knew they had received it and hadn't said anything to me or thanked me, I would think them very rude!

@SBD1 that's disappointing about the drs. I thought you had a long history of infections. And those that have travelled to the kidneys. So it seems odd to have it dismissed as honeymoon cystitis.

I agree that it's very rude not to say thank you for a gift you had delivered. I wouldn't be tickling someone so rude.

@SBD1 agree with PP's, if someone acknowledged everyones gift but mine i'd be going to their house and taking it back. Costs nothing to say thanks.

I had a date last night, really interesting/unusual man. Very handsome face but shorter than me, from what I can tell - skint (gardener, by his own admission not ambitious) - but highly intelligent/thoughtful. Quite a weird mix of qualities. Rarely texts. Asked to see me again.....i said sure but I can't see it as anything serious or even romantic. Interesting to know though. Besides that I have a freind staying with me for a month and it turns out he has a medical condition which means he needs the loo every hour during the night. I'm a light sleeper so every time he rattled past my door down the hall I woke up. Feeling like lukewarm death.

@sbd1 do you mind me asking about how old you are ie early 20s, and what's the age difference to mr cactus?