Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I think I might un-hide my profiles and have a look. If no one takes my interest then no one does. But I know I deserve better than him and better than a man who is refusing to travel to see when when he travels basically as far to see his daughters. I really should listen to my gut more but hindsight is 20 20

I found that I kept comparing them to what I'd had, and really couldn't be bothered with the general chit chat (starting again) so rather than just swiping. I took some one out. And yet again, that's where I find myself. @Dancerinthemoonlight

Unimpressor Mr Dancer sounds a bit of an emotionally unaware plonker, to be honest. And as a direct result of something he did (force you to open up) you were upset and he didn't give a shit 😕 All that waffle about 'connection' and his 'caring' attitude and he seems completely unaware ...

Does anyone ever just crash. I feel as I'm crashing with a moment of 'maybe this is it for me now, maybe I'll never find anyone' I can't see myself going back on OLD.

Quick update from me - spent the weekend at MrWades and had a fantastic time. We went in to town on the evening and had such a laugh. Hes sweet, affectionate, funny and I fancy him so much. We had the chat and have confirmed that neither of us are seeing other people ☺️

I've definitely 'crashed'. Every Sunday eve I think maybe I should set up another pof profile but for some reason I haven't.And as the weeks since my last iron Mr dadbod increase, I'm just not getting any energy to start all again.
My neighbour who met someone on pof in January, they've just split. I really need to hear some happy ever afters.

I'm not feeling disheartened though,I feel very calm at the moment and not missing the whole dating stuff at the moment. I'm doing things for me,like yesterday travelled an hour to a major city to watch a footy match on my own. I'm making the most of singledom and pleasing myself as I know it wont be forever!

@kerkyra it's a strange one. Because I'm very happy in my own company and do loads of things for myself. I'll happily go for food, drinks or events on my own. But I just can't be bothered to start all over again on OLD. Which then makes me think, maybe this is it for me and I just embrace it.

@lifegoes very unlikely. I have thought the same though eg. Was that the last man I'll ever fancy/fancy me/go to bed with?

@lifegoes I think you should listen to how you feel and go with that. So if you're really not feeling it take a break and do what you feel like doing instead. If you change your mind you can always go back to OLD. When I've felt like you do, I've found it pointless to keep trying because I just don't have the energy/desire to keep up conversations with people so it doesn't go anywhere.

@dazzlinghaze oh I come off awhile ago tbh. And I only started it this year. I'll always go with what I feel. No point trying otherwise.

I think it is @supercali77 it's something I've battled with all my life. And I've always said, some just don't get it all and I don't get love. And that's actually ok with me.

@lifegoes you sound quite low, was it the recent events with your FWB that promoted this feeling. I think online dating can be quite soul destroying at times and not everyone is cut out for it. Don't let this make you feel like a decent relationship isn't out there for you. It certainly is, but ultimately you have to love yourself and your life first. A partner can then add to it. I think you should take a break, focus on yourself and get back into it when you feel more positive about things.

@Eesha I understand how it may come across as me seeming low. I don't feel low tbh. My recent FB wasn't met through OLD. And I'm perfectly happy on my own and Very independent. So I'm not looking for anyone to be with. Hence why the FB was just what I needed. As it suited me. What's got me, is the last 3 men I've been with have lied so badly, that I just can't be bothered with the utter bullshit that comes with it all. It's just a constant headfuck. I just want an easy life.

I feel I'm more having a realisation that maybe if this is it. Then actually I've not done to bad with the rest of my life and maybe I should just be grateful for what I have.

Sorry if that sounded blunt. I am very grateful for your kind words

@lifegoes sorry if I came across presumptious. Just thinking, if the last three men lied so badly, do you think in hindsight that you ignored any red flags from them. Because I think you shouldn't let three idiots make you think there aren't any decent blokes out there for you.

@lifegoes I’ve been there too. Just thinking, not quite “all men as bastards” as per the cliche, but wondering why I attracted a few bastards...
I think the truth is with OLD there are maybe more than a few on there?
If you think you need a break, take a break. Enjoy all the positive things/people in your life for a bit and let them/that enrich you.
Do you ever just walk down the street and see couples of all ages, shapes and sizes and think how cool that they are attracted to each other’s uniqueness? No superficial bs. I totally do.
When you’re ready to start dating again set your standards and don’t deviate from them. There are so many lovely people out there just like you x

Fwiw I find it hard to spot a liar too. I think for some guys it’s their default. I’m attracted to quite strong personalities and maybe that trait is more predominant (and we’ll practiced) in them.
But no guarantees with any guy though. You can find out in 6 months or 6 years...

Thank you both @KhaleesiTargaryen @Eesha you are very right about seeing how couples match. I think my expectations were set high by my grandparents and their amazing life/love.

But def continuing my break from dating. Need to focus on work now anyway.

Oh @KhaleesiTargaryen that's so me. I love a strong personality and you are so right I think it's something those types can find easy to do.

A few times I've had a gut feeling something wasn't right and asked the questions out right. I've had "swear on my children's life we are separated" turned out happily married.
"Been single since my divorce 7years, I've had booty calls but nothing more" had a GF of 3 years who was 24 years younger than him.
And this last one.

So Unless I start interviewing their "ex's" I'm not sure how else I go around those lies. Until the truth actually come out. 😂😂

Mind in both cases as soon as I knew, I was done!

@lifegoes sometimes I think there's something to be said for letting go and to stop searching, get on with life etc. That's not to say you shouldn't give up your desires but maybe it's not the right time. OLD also isn't going anywhere so you can always come back to it.

lifegoes kahleesi I've attracted 70% bastards for the past year. The 30%....well I need to think about why in one case I dropped something with a totally reasonable man I was attracted to for someone who'd been waving the red flag. I think it is partly....the chat. I'm coming to think of confidence and banter as a warning sign. That said.....I have 2 good male freinds who both did OLD and both confident/ high banter and both extremely decent men. I think they just don't stay single long? If canal boat man taught me anything it's that the 'unsolicited promise' is a dead giveaway. E.g. apropos of nothing 'I'm not a player', 'I never lie', 'i dont play games', 'I cant stand tattooed girls' eyeroll. All the asshats said something similar for no apparent reason near the start.

Btw the above 'unsolicited promise' is one of the points from a book called 'the gift of fear' dunno if anyones heard of this? Another point from that is 'forced teaming' e.g. using a lot of 'we' language without knowing you well.

@supercali77 interesting re the unsolicited promise. My previous ex told me he was a “nice guy” and that he seemed to not have luck with relationships etc because he was too nice.
Turns out he was manipulative, narcissistic and, in the end up, violent towards me. None of his friends had any idea of course because he somehow managed to come across as benign and affable.
So, high alert for that shit now. And totally agree that banter/confidence can be a red flag. I suppose the OLD equivalent of the chat-up merchant.

Oh I totally agree @Ginmel And agree with just letting it go. That's what I kinda meant But don't think I articulated myself well

Very good things to look out for. I also pay close attention to how he speaks about his ex(es) if/when that comes up. It's very illuminating.

I've deleted the apps from my phone. I have a few irons in WhatsApp still, I have two men I'm seeing casually, that's quite enough for anyone. Even if everything goes tits up, I won't go back to swiping for a while. It takes a high level of energy to keep OLD going.

But there has to be something attractive about them?! Why is it so hard?
I'm not too unattractive for my age. Nice. Outgoing. Reasonably intelligent. Independent. But finding someone similar is proving to be an impossible task.

@KhaleesiTargaryen 'Too nice' is virtually synonymous with the Incel movement...I'm really sorry to hear about your ex. What an utter C*nt. It's weird you know but I didn't think I was naive about human nature until the last year...For example Headfuck guy - he made such a big point of his rigorous honesty that I was fooled into not paying attention to my instincts ( about him being dishonest about virtually everything) every single time 'Ah yeah, but he's incredibly honest isn't he?'.

A great line on the promise is - An unsolicited promise is not a guarantee of anything, it's a way to convince you of something.

i'm seeing dating more as an experiment in human nature at this point