Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I'm not sure what to think about Matthew Hussey. I'm following his videos for a long time now. They are funny and certainly tell you how to invest less in the wrong guys. But sometimes it feels like the tips will keep the wrong guys around for longer, e.g. by acting kind and aloof. Surely the right guy won't be put of when you're direct and honest?

Another thing that crosses my mind. It seems ghosting is the new way to end flings, dating and relationships. It's soooo hurtful not to get a reply and having to mind-read that they don't feel the same or changed their mind :( I don't know if just doing nothing is better or calling out & blocking is better. Calling out and/or blocking of course sends a message that you're hurt -which they know anyway.

Supercali That ' I want sex with you guy was a tosser'. Sorry to hear OLD is grinding on you. TBh being on this thread has kinda put me off even trying OLD!

I was hoping you could all give me some insight into Dancing Man. Went to woods and fire and beer at his on Friday - which was actually really nice. BUT he is really into connection and all that in quite an intense way. He was badly beaten by his mum, who had mental health problems, as a child - She stopped beating DM when he was 8 after she came to attack him and he picked up a kitchen knife and told he would kill her if she hit him ever again. He said he has previously got together with any woman who showed him attention, and used sex as a safe way to feel close to someone. He now wants to change that. He's very into talking about emotions and so on. He said at a start of a new relationship he has thought it would be good to find out each other's insecurities first rather than putting on a show of your best self. And boy, did he ask those questions of me. Problem is, my life is pretty crap just now and I feel shit about it and an evening of talking about how shit my life is meant I woke up on Saturday morning feeling really sad. It has taken a lot for me over the past 18 months to move to feeling better about myself and I feel that Friday night with Dancing Man has undone a lot of that progress. It is hard to feel good or attractive when someone now knows the worst of you. I feel crap. I guess he meant well, but I can't help feeling that he had set the agenda for what he felt he needed regardless of the impact on me. I mean it is not like he is a friend who I had chosen to come to and open up to so that I could be comforted.

And at dancing on Saturday, when we were asked to take a partner if we wanted one, I moved to the edge of the room and turned my back on everyone because I didn't want to dance as I still felt sad and wanted to work through stuff by myself. But Dancing Man came and got in my face and I ended up dancing with him. Feel kinda pissed off as it I felt I had clearly signalled I wanted to be left alone. Also pissed of with me for being too pathetic to just say NO.

After dancing I went to pub with dancing man and two others - DM and others were all waxing lyrical about how love is the answer (not just romantic, general love for everyone) and so on - but I don't really think like that tbh. So I felt really out of their world.

He's never made any move to make things physical between us.

He's invited me to dancing in another city on Friday and I will go as I have always wanted to try what he has invited me to. Its not a date as he invites his friends to his dancing things.

So, basically I have no real idea if he is interested in me. I am not used to this 'is he, isn't he' thing - previous relationships we have both been really into each other from the start. And whilst I would really like a guy who is emotionally intelligent, he might be a bit much, and I also have the beginnings of suspicions that he might be the usual type I end up physically attracted to, that is, confident, asserts himself and dismisses me. I could be wrong about this. I know he wants to be someone who understands other people and cares for them.

Should I run for the hills?

@unimpressorofcocks sorry the date didn't turn out like you hoped.

I'm not comfortable with him pushing you to reveal things about yourself that you didn't feel ready to reveal (he's stil very much a stranger really) and leaving you feeling sad and vulnerable wasn't fair of him.

I have some past exepriences which were very hurtful which I would never share lightly now, as I've learned from experience that it can somehow open the door to major boundary pushing.

It wasn't respecting your boundaries to force the dancing when you were clearly signalled your preference not to.

For me, all of this would enough to walk away. How do you feel?

@eyebrowsofinstagram I agree with khaleesi and personally I prefer Derrick jaxn. The problem with Hussey is that he'll say things like....how to turn it around. Or how to get a man to stop flaking on you. Seriously, that man...flaking, not being consistent, the only answer to that is to cut it loose. I absolutely refuse to chase or to tolerate disrespect for my time. I'll give a chance with flaking but more than that I'm done. No games. A simple choice. You either show up and be consistent or we are not a thing. That change in my approach has seriously revolutionised my dating life. Despite many many fuckwits this last week they've all been swiftly dispatched into block land the second the fwittery began. So....theres kinda a plus there.

Thabks for the kind words on my whingeing. I know I'll be fine. Brush myself off. Decorate my bathroom and haphazardly swipe in spare moments.

khaleesiTargaryen I don't know how I feel about walking away. I feel really deflated and down tbh. I guess I feel down that things didn't turn out the way I hoped. But I don' t think it was really on to get me to talk about all that stuff when we know so little of each other. He may have processed all his shit and be comfortable talking about it, but I am still in the middle of my shit and not so comfortable. I really didn't like the pressure to dance with him either. Everyone has always respected my boundaries on this before.

I feel really sad about it. He seemed so nice and warm and encouraging. But I think we may have major differences on our views on how people connect!

Quick update from me. Spent from Friday evening to about an hour ago with Mr Ad.
I met some of his friends on Friday evening, which was a brittle daunting as they are friends from AA so no booze involved whatsoever but they were nice and it went well.

He met my friends yesterday and he was really nervous but it went well and then we had had lots of time in between doing what we've been dying to do for weeks and talking/cuddling/talking.

We're officially not dating any more and are an item (he asked me to be his girlfriend, bless him) 😊

I do agree with @supercali77 on the Derrick Jaxn one.

All the rest seem to tell you about playing games (so to speak) distance yourself, don't be available, treat him mean etc etc

For me, if it can't just flow correctly without games or me wondering why he's being like this, or what's happening. Then it's not for me. I'm too old to play the games. I just want a man to be mature enough to be honest open and respectful.

@supercali77 just had a look at a few Derrick jaxn videos. He is much more about setting your standards, clear communication and being true to yourself.

A much more empowering message than Matthew Hussey’s do this to get your guy to like you. Agree with @lifegoesthis kind of advice doesn’t work with me because life’s not like that and I shouldn’t need to consult YouTube on how to respond when a guy does x, and z. If he’s pulling away, let him go imo, don’t trick him into hanging around for longer. It’s not fair on either of you.

Been doing some very steamy talk with Mr... can't remember what i was calling him but he dances so Mr boogy? Anyway. Dont think he's right for a relationship and it's almost definitely way too soon for me since I'm still dealing with stbx's imminent departure. However if thee's sone chemistry he might make a decent fwb so at least i can get laid which would help. Watch this space.

In other news i have a second interview tomorrow for a role in a very male dominated industry so might have some future options there.

@UnimpressorOfCocks It sounds like you instinct are telling you this man is not right. Re-read rule 13... its been true for me so far! [ and hugs x

@UnimpressorOfCocks
Run. Run now. You can't fix broken, they just end up breaking you, too.

@UnimpressorOfCocks dancing man sounds really hard work and intense. What is it about him that you are attracted to? He's disrespected your boundaries and made you feel sad and uncomfortable. Are you just wanting him to choose you without you being clear if you want him?

I agree with pp, Unimpressor, he doesn't sound nice at all. He pushed you to expose personal information and didn't support you in the aftermath. I don't know what to think of that, but I doubt I could come up with anything good.

@KhaleesiTargaryen totally. I've had relationships where I've never questioned anything - It just flowed. But for me the min a guy starts to play games, becomes inconsistent and I sense any form of lies. I'm learning to just walk. No questions ask. It's a no from me.

Khaleesi agree 100% with clear communication and being true to yourself, coy and aloof wouldn't work for me at all.
Imo it's all about finding somebody who likes you for who you are, at your best and your worst, and vice versa.
Sunshine sounds like things are still going very well.
Cereal yep sometimes height doesn't matter at all, glad you had a good evening.
Unimpressor for me talking about your insecurities is something that should happen naturally as you begin to build trust with somebody, not sure I'd feel comfortable having a forced conversation along those lines so early on.

Notcoolmum, what has attracted me to him? Well, he is really warm and friendly and cheerful, he's smart and can be very funny. He changed life course - he used to work with the uber rich but left this after becoming disgusted by seeing the uber rich blow 30k in a casino at night and the next day be shitty to someone in a poor country trying to sell something to them for 10 dollars. I respected that. He seemed emotionally intelligent and I really want someone like that.

I think his belief that you should start with talking about insecurities is probably his latest effort to try to find a good relationship. But I think its a pretty bad idea cos it made me feel shit. You are all right that those are conversations you have with someone who loves you, who will support and comfort you through it. Not someone you barely know. He should have thought it through a bit more especially as he already knew about my situation and that the conversation could be painful for me.

Tbh, getting in my face so that I would dance with him I find more difficult to get over. I mean, I've had conversations with him about how I often like to dance by myself (whereas he thinks it is all about connecting with others) , and it was obvious that I was in one of those times. That really made me think that he was forcing his own agenda onto me, when he must have known I did not want to.

Khalees You are probably right about rule 13 - I think his outlook is probably too different from mine.

It's also made me feel shit because I wasn't assertive enough to say, ' 'No I don't want to'. I really need to assert myself. Instead I gave him what he wanted, I guess because I wanted him to like me. Sigh. I'm going to look up those Derrick Jaxn videos.

@UnimpressorOfCocks it sounds like his emotional intelligence is very self absorbed. He's learning about himself but not at all aware of others.

Yeah maybe, I think people who have had a lot of counselling (like he has) can get like that. I had an (ex) friend like that. God, she was hard work!

Just heading for train to meet Mr G - 2nd date. Looking forward to seeing him again! Exchanged a nce flurry of texts earlier.

I'm wearing something a bit more vavavoom tonight @MoreNiceCereal

@UnimpressorOfCocks tbh I've met a few people on the dancing/mindfulness scene like that. No boundaries. Invade space.

Mr Caribbean ended it on Monday as 'things aren't working out' and 'he is being posted to Canada for 2 years'
I have had this week to look back on it and there were a lot of red flags I ignored and I have no clue why. It was difficult to talk to him about anything and when I wanted serious conversations he would ask me why I was in a mood or have an attitude. His answer to anything was let's fuck and I am beginning to think that's all he ever saw me as. He would never travel to see me, I had to go and see him and he kept sleeping over the weekends at his ex's to see his kids so now I wonder if they were actually over or not. Last time I saw him I asked him what I was to him, eg his girlfriend, a fwb, a friend etc and he told me he would give me the answer next time I saw him. I should have run then and listened to my gut.
I am worth more than a phone call to end things and I am worth a man making an effort to see me.
Do I start swiping again and seeing if anyone takes my interest or do I give it a while? I was only 'seeing' him for 2 months

@Dancerinthemoonlight depends how you feel. I took 2 months off after a 4 month thing. It just felt right, tons going on and I really got a head fucking with him

@Dancerinthemoonlight it depends on you. .its a tough on old are you ready to go again ir do you need time off to re group..

@KhaleesiTargaryen good luck!!

@Dancerinthemoonlight depends, I found I needed time to recuperate as was totally disinterested in swiping if something went a bit pear shaped. However I've seen on the threads, people swipe immediately and seem to often land on their feet!