Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

@KhaleesiTargaryen yeah it's a strange one because I've been on both sides.

Every time I've ended it, I've been left with hurt and wondering if I've done the right thing. And I've often ended it because I knew it wasn't right! Something wasn't right Only once did I end it with someone and thought thank god.

But the few times I've had it end on me, I've been very much wow, hurt for a bit then thought well that's their choice and been fine.

I'd be open to more kids but at the same time I have a good career and I don't know if I want to give that up.

Don't get many data protection officers at 30 with my background working for a very big company

Omg had a first my Saudi Arabia iron who whats app me on photo thing on Saturday has asked if i would loan him money for his data till he gets paid. Said no ... i just cant belive the shit they pull

@lifegoes 2-1 on the dumped vs dumper front here in nearly 3 years of OLD.

(Yep, I know, I’m a fast worker)

One dumping was manageable as I was also struggling to see it working (but thought, naively, I should try). Aftershock of about a fortnight, and stayed away from dating for a couple of months.

When I initiated the break up I felt terrible; it was terrible. Aftershock of about 6 weeks. No dating for a couple of months agin.

Both cases overwhelming sense of being a failure, and self doubt.

Thought I’d sorted out the why’s of those failures, however currently enjoying the aftershock of dumping number 2. This one carried the most shock, and so far has been the most difficult because while I accepted it, I still care about her and those feelings haven’t shifted much yet.

Can I join?

Been on and off Tinder/Bumble/POF for nearly a year now after splitting with stbxh. Was on match.com for a bit too but found that next to useless!

Tinder has probably been the most successful for me. I'm on it atm, and am talking to a couple of guys, they have both asked to meet up.

My heart just isn't in it atm- I've got this 'thing' with a guy I met on Tinder earlier this year. Let's call him... Cath Fach 😁 He is early 20s, I'm early 30s. We were seeing eachother for about a month originally, and I really liked him. I'd met up with a fair few people by that point and he stood out from everyone even then.

He ended it because it was quite hard to see eachother, he works long hours sometimes and doesn't live locally. I was disappointed but got straight back to OLD. Still thought of him from time to time. I texted him on one occasion and got no reply so after that I deleted his no to avoid texting him when drunk.

A few months later he texted out of the blue, had to ask careful questions to figure out who it was as could have been several different people but I was so happy it was him. It's clear that I've had feelings for a while tbh. So for nearly 3 months now we've been texting every day, we've met up every couple of weeks, mainly for sex, although we get on great too and enjoy being around eachother, I think he'd agree. He's been open that he slept with a couple of girls since being back in touch with me, although I don't know what's going on atm, I don't think he speaks to them now.

I know he's having his cake and eating it... He's very honest with me though and doesn't mess me around. He's 22 and not wanting anything serious but it's not like I'm looking to settle down after going through a lot with divorce etc. I would just like to see what happens rather than it just be sex. Spend a bit more time together. And only sleep with eachother, not anyone else.

I never thought I'd get the feels for him but I did. Should I tell him? The sex has always been great, I keep contemplating just trying to take it to another level and making it mind blowing so he doesn't want to give it up ever, and then maybe say something to him. I just don't know. I'm a fool I know but I sometimes think there must be a reason for us matching, was so unlikely, and him getting back in touch.

I keep thinking I'm going to get hurt but just can't seem to give him up...

@lifegoes I suppose it depends on why you break up with someone. If you end it because you know you aren't feeling it then really the only upset is knowing you have hurt somebody else. Which isn't pleasant. But if you end it because you know they aren't in to it but you are still attached that's more painful. But in that situation you have taken control.

If you are dumped you are usually not in control. You feel rejected. And you have your hurt to deal with. It is so hard to think the person you want doesn't want you back. And that they could stop your pain in a second. But they don't want to.

@InTheTempest so you're basically in a fwb arrangement? But neither of you has clarified the terms of how it works. If you're getting the feels I think you either at some point need to say something or decide it's not for you. The feels and a lack of clarity is a hiding to a broken heart ime.

The dumped vs dumper one is difficult for me to answer. The guilt a d realisation that you've caused pain is horrid, plus you may have the same sense of loss if it was a longer term relationship. However I've only dumped people in my teens which was a long time ago and less serious relationships. Being dumped by a husband you very much love and have fought for and hoped for and built a life with over 15 years, well, i just wish someone could tell me when it's going to stop hurting because I am in constant pain except when I'm numb or angry and I don't know how to cope with feeling so rejected.

Sorry. That's a bit of a downer isn't it?

As a distraction I've been chatting with someone on bumble who will prob vadly turn out to be nothing but he's replying to all messages so that's sonething for now. Let's call him Mr Adventurer as he travels a lot a d seems keen on getting out and doing.

@UnimpressorOfCocks skulls and flowers hahah. Also one of his spiels to me was 'I just really dont like the whole tattooed girls look'.....meanwhile on his pinterest - entire mood board of tattoos girls in thongs. Tbf, the man is comedy gold and I feel like I hit the motherload of fuckwittery

supercali77 in a way it is kind of fwb. When we were first seeing eachother earlier this year he said he did want a gf and so it seemed to be more of a 'see what happens' situation. Since he's been back in touch it's been pure sex, but we message every day multiple times about other stuff too. Last time I saw him he said he doesn't like putting labels ion stuff cos that's when it all goes wrong...

It's hard to judge whether to say something or not. Would I just fuck it all up by saying something and then not see/speak to him again? I hate the thought of that. I wonder if I bide my time and use sex to just blow his mind whether he will come round to wanting a bit more... I know it's stupid and probably won't happen. But I wonder if I'd kick myself if I didn't try

@InTheTempest Being charitable, If he treats you well and you feel there’s something really good there, maybe ask him about his previous, and whether he’s been hurt badly. He might be finding the trusting part difficult. That could be an entry point into that whole discussion about what’s going on. I don’t think it’s a good sign when you don’t think you can talk about these things without fear of loss though.

I though the no response to your text earlier on, after you first parted, was cold, given the parting seemed to have happened for logistical reasons rather than loss of affections. Did he explain that ?

HairyArsedMan there definitely seems to be something there, some kind of connection. I don't know if he has been hurt so much as found relationships to cause grief and stress. I think he's just a bit of a lad atm and doesn't want to feel tied down. It's not like I'm looking for serious commitment but just to have some fun together, but something more than it is now...

Tbf he did explain the text, he said he didn't actually see it for a while and when he saw it, he was seeing another girl who lived closer and felt it was unfair on her if he replied to me. It needed with her because he didn't want to commit.... it looks a bit ominous really doesn't it 😂

He has no problem with honesty, it's just whether I want to hear the truth right now. I'm hoping his position may have changed a little, or hoping I can make that happen. I'm well aware of how stupid it is. I'm just the type of person who won't give up til literally all hope is lost 😂

@InTheTempest Interesting arrangement but I'd never go for something that by default doesn't offer exclusivity. I'm not perfect but I'm 100% monogamous and could not cope with anything else. I've been in a similar situation, even age wise but it was completely exclusive. Ended up living together, getting married, having kids and eventually realising 6 years ago that it isn't working and subsequently splitting up 5 years ago. I admit, I was way to young/ immature for marriage but I think I've learned my lesson...

@InTheTempest I have a few concerns. He is very young, and more than likely isn't in any mind to settle down with one woman for long - he probably has another decade or more of shopping around, as it were. I'm not saying he has anything for older women, but I've been messaged by several men in their early 20s looking for a FB with a woman in her 30s with a busy life - easy, occasional sex for them.

And this might sound harsh, so I'm sorry in advance, but good/amazing/mind blowing sex won't make him want a relationship. It will just make him want sex. I've had a few FWB/FB arrangements and they don't morph into a relationship like in a romcom. It's just not realistic.

Morenicecereal its not harsh, just realistic and most likely true...

I don't think he particularly has a thing for older women tbh, I'm the only person this much older he been with. I look a lot younger tbf so when we're out and about people probably wouldn't realise there's 9 years between us.

I think maybe soon I need to let it go and then if there's something there he will get back in touch won't he... otherwise I'll need to move on

Always protect your heart.

That's been on my mind a lot. I don't even know how it happened but he's the only one that's got close to it for a long while.

So should I go on dates with the other guys on tinder? I just don't know whether to or not....

@InTheTempest I agree with @MoreNiceCereal Arrange to do something with him other than sex, then see how keen he is to meet. Do you both talk regularly on the phone ? Or just message ?

I'm still learning as I go, and I do think it's different for everyone, but for me I prefer a FB to a FWB. It's too easy to get feelings for someone if we are friends as well. Mr HK is a decent sort, and I do trust him, but I don't want to get close to him emotionally. I don't message him that much as a result. I also am purposely seeing other people, in order to keep him at arm's length. It's working for me.

I got feelings for a FWB a while back and ended it myself because I knew it wasn't doing me any flavours. We weren't suited, and I think I liked him in part because I was treated so badly by my ex that anything better felt amazing in contrast. He wasn't a bad man at all, but he wasn't for me. It hurt for a while after ending it, but not because of him specifically. It was more about the sadness of missing out on a decent relationship for so many years. I'm glad I ended it when I did, because if I'd let it carry on while I secretly had feelings it would have just hurt me worse and worse.

TL;DR - Know your worth. () And be careful.

*favours, obviously

Will reply properly lately as at work now, but we do talk about doing other stuff, going away for the weekend. Even a holiday which he seemed dead serious about. But I don't really believe it..

I couldn't even got for a FB or FWB arrangement and I'm glad that Mr Cactus and I are progressing past even the idea of that. I don't think it was necessarily on the cards but obviously when he had said he was unsure about whether to see where it went versus staying friends...my heart sunk. Luckily thats all resolved.

Its his birthday next week. I know exactly what I want to buy him but I'm trying to work out if £75 is too much for someone you've known for 7 weeks. The thing is, he really really likes coffee - he always buys ground coffee. And I found a really good hand grinder and had some coffee beans recommended. Comes to £75. Its one of those presents thats super thoughtful and he won't expect it but I don't want to put pressure on him?

@SBD1 I'm usually pretty generous with stuff but I think 7 weeks is too short a time for an expensive gift. Could you not just get the coffee and dress it up fancily somehow so at least it shows you put thought into it

@SBD1 seems a lot of money. Maybe save that idea for Xmas when you will have been together longer.

@InTheTempest you need to be able to talk about what you are or aren't. If you can have a man's penis inside you you should be able to talk about what that means to you both imho. And if you cant then it shows a total imbalance.

@InTheTempest I really feel for you because you obviously like him a lot, but there must be men closer to where you live and have more free time than this guy. Don't be blinkered by amazing sex. You can have fantastic sex with other men as well, but I understand your reluctance to let this one go. I think at 22 he has a good few years of wanting to play the field a little before he decides to settle down.

You say you don't want anything serious, but your posts give off a different vibe I would just like to see what happens rather than it just be sex. Spend a bit more time together. And only sleep with each other, not anyone else. This is just another way of saying you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend and he's told you he doesn't want that.

"Last time I saw him he said he doesn't like putting labels on stuff cos that's when it all goes wrong..." this is his get out of jail free card (printed on a red flag)

I think if you persue this you'll end up very hurt - you'll be exclusive, he won't be. Go on some dates with other men

@SBD1 I'd probably get him a couple of bags of really posh ground coffee and save the grinder until Christmas if you're still together. I'd feel a bit of pressure if I knew someone had spent that much on me after a couple of months, especially if I couldn't afford to reciprocate it.

@supercali77 Thank you for cheering me up with your tales of fake tattoo man "'I just really dont like the whole tattooed girls look'.....meanwhile on his pinterest - entire mood board of tattoos girls in thongs." All of my Pinterest boards are set to private - If MrC ever got wind of my Jamie from Outlander obsession I'd be mortified - I'm a sensible 44 year old mum, but those knees in a kilt...