Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

It feels as I'm caught @SBD1 doing what I feel is the right thing to do. And then protecting myself.

I would hate not knowing if someone had cheated on me and I know from reading these posts a lot of you have been cheated on. So it makes it even harder.

@DustMyselfOff I'm mid forties, I only use the free apps. As others have said, its the same people on all of them anyway and there are no guarantees of quality just because you're paying

@SBD1 that's so awful. What an arse your STBEX is! You deserve some good luck.

@lifegoes and @supercali77 ugh. I can't abide cheats. Selfish, greedy, cowardly, inconisderate twats. I'd be tempted to message too but then there's the fallout which I'd want to walk away from. How do they sleep at night? Really sorry you've been lied to it stings. Worse when you've suspected it but been reassured and placated.

@WooMaWang couldn't agree more.

@JeSuisPrest thank you - its quite refreshing. Not counting my chickens or anything but the contrast is quite something. I'm really beginning to see that fireman was a bit of a dick actually

When do you guys 'fess up about having children? I'm a little wary of doing it up front, especially because i'm looking more for an exclusive casual type arrangement rather than anything more long term so it's not like they'd meet them or anything. I'd hate to be a target of a weirdo because I have smalls, similarly I dont want to put someone off who i find attractive because i have children, when they'd not be required to interact at all.

This applies to OLD and RL....

I have an interview soon for a job in a large organisation that is primarily male dominated so hopefully will provide some opportunities if I get it. Money would be nice, too...

Dust I'm always upfront about it. I felt similarly worried at first, but tbh my body shows that I've had DC, and I reckon most men would halfway expect a woman of 38 to have had a child by now anyway.

I also make it clear I'm not interested in anything serious, but some have dropped off the radar quickly after the conversation anyway, which is fine.

@DustMyselfOff Your call I suppose. Why tell them at all if its casual/short term?

At the moment I can't really imagine meeting the kids, living with someone etc., but I see mine as part of who I am so It's on my profile that I have kids but I don't disclose ages or anything until we've met in person. I usually say something along the lines of wanting to have something to talk about when we meet to stall it.

@DustMyselfOff I put it in my profile. Not in a cheesy way (e.g. my kids are my world); more a FYI kind of way. Basically it was an attempt to filter the uninterested out.

Also, usually my response to 'what are you doing at the moment?' (so many people ask some variant of this) was almost invariably: sitting in the viewing gallery of a swimming pool watching my son train. Because that is often what I'm to be found doing.

@supercali77 I wasn’t sure if the woman my ex was seeing knew he was having an affair or not. As he is stupid he gave me her address to drop his stuff off, I dropped it off in the evening as I knew she was more likely to be in. She didn’t know, and chucked him out there and then. Stopped her finding in 6,12 months time etc that he’s a bit of a twat. I spent six months not knowing he had someone else, it’s better to know about it than not.

@StealthNinjaMum I have the meeting the minime concerns too, there was an accidental meeting recently, but MiniSJT wasn’t really aware so it’s okay. We’re at seven months.

@DustMyselfOff Mine knew before we met, but that’s because a mutual friend set us up. When it’s been meeting people on nights out etc it isn’t something I mentioned as it wouldn’t at all be expected.

Dust late twenties here and have something in my bio about dc. Like others have said, it filters out people that don't want anything to do with kids. I wouldn't introduce for a long time though!
I'm a little concerned that things are moving too quickly with Mr Young. Finding myself questioning if I'm genuinely not happy with the pace or if it's just my insecurities pulling me back.

My libido is recovering from the stress if being ditched but something tells me rebound NSA sex would be an unhealthy choice. Am starting to get v antsy

I'm only meeting guys in real life but tell them I have kids and all about my situation straight away. This is with all guys I meet and am friendly with so that they know just in case they might have any interest in anything more than friendship in the future.

Dancing man has suggested several options for meeting up tomorrow and I have gone with drink at his place surrounded by woods and with a fire. That is exactly my sort of thing! I'm really excited, nervous because I really want us to get on and genuinely like each other, but very excited too!

@SimonJT asking you to do that seems like he wanted her to find out right??

khaleesi it really boggles the mind, when I found his pinterest I realised how narcissistic he was. pictures of himself airbrushed and topless. Hed even photoshopped a tattoo onto himself. I mean who even does that? Plus david icke memes. Yikes!

No reply from his gf. So will check tomorrow if she wants more deets. Meanwhile ive dusted myself off and bought a new vibrator. I feel like its gonna be a long winter. At this point mr headfuck looks virtually normal

Oh god I need a new vibrator. Preferably one someone can use on me wink wink nudge nudge. He said he wanted to by my current one takes me ages and I’m not a fan of vaginal ones. Ah well

@lifegoes honestly, go with your gut.

With regards to saying I have a child, it was in my tinder profile at the top. “Single mum”

He'd even photoshopped a tattoo onto himself what an utter, utter twat... that is pathetic. One day, very soon, you will look back and wonder how the hell he ever had a hold on you.

@UnimpressorOfCocks that sounds very romantic and autumnal

@KhaleesiTargaryen his profile pics didnt give away any of those utter twattery. He just looked normal. When I saw the pinterest I cried with laughter

supercali photoshopped a tattoo! That's hilarious!

I'm interested though - what was it of?

I'm open about kids I have in a factual way. Hiding a fact that isn't going to change doesn't compute in my world.
There is also another side of this- "do you want children?" I understand when someone say up to 35 says yes, definitely but I saw 47 saying yes, and majority of 38-43 I looked at. I don't judge, just swipe left and go but seriously, what are they thinking?

I'm slightly suspicious of the rapid back pedal when I asked what he's up for and he said he's looking for a life partner to start a family with, so I said oh ok well I have 2 children already and definitely no more so I guess we'll move along, to which he said oh well not necessarily, so what does he want?

Sex. Stopgap.

Hiding a fact that isn't going to change doesn't compute in my world

Which is probably why these women are being up front about the fact that they are looking to find someone who also wants kids. The few friends of mine who have had their first child around 40 all met their partners online and were married within a couple of years of meeting!

*or pregnant or both.

As I said, I do not judge and I'm aware there will be some cases where things worked out. I don't think anyone sane would decide to have a child straight away, so lets say bit of dating to get to know each other- no less than a year, then living together for a year or so, marriage (if required) in year three and planning for a baby. Effectively baby happens in year 5. Are ppl not aware of how human body works? But this is just my opinion, everyone free to do whatever they wish.

I do always wonder do you think it hurts more if you are dumped or if you are the one doing the dumping?

And for both men or women

I don't judge either. But like you I have kids (when in my late 20s) and I've no idea how it feels to approach 40 and still not have met "the one" I'd make babies with.
Like you I'd be swiping left on them but I get that this can be a priority.
They're being honest, and hopefully will meet likeminded in terms of baby plans. Maybe in their 20s a leisurely 5 year plan would work but I'm guessing both parties knew this could be their last shot and just went for it fairly quickly when they felt they'd clicked etc. All three couples in my circle are still together 5-10 years years down the line.

@lifegoes I'd never been dumped until fireman...and he didn't really dump me but he made me feel dumped... just didn't feel he was onboard anymore (always insisted there was no-one else though but I have my doubts).
That hurt a lot. Especially as I wasn'tready to dump him even though I knew long term he was not the man for me.
So, dumping when you're still really into them but know its bad news = hurts! and very difficult to do.
Being dumped = hurts! (followed by relief cos you can'tdo anything about it)
Dumping when you know it's run it's course = relief