Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I don't have fb and I'm quite happy without it. I'm tight too, splashed out on match in the past but what a waste of money that was :(

I currently still have stbx in the house. Long story short I was his crutch through 15 years of MH and resolving childhood trauma. He finally starts to recover, as much as you ever can from such things, and realises he doesn't love me or want to stay with me. This would have been painful enough without the EA with a colleague at work. I am currently trying to work out who he really is - the man i loved who doesn't love me or the covert narcissist who's running after a new smell. It would be easier if it was the latter - I could just be angry and disengaged but mostly I'm sad and grieving and trying not to engage in destructive teenage behaviours like sex with the ex or texting the OW.

Distracting myself with OLD and thoughts of the future seems slightly more healthy. But not much.

dustmyselfoff I'm early 40s and was with my ex dh for 21 years so hadn't dated since I was 19 😯

SBD1 so sorry to hear what your ex put you through. My ex was a dickhead cheat but doesn't come close to what you've dealt with (hugs)

I met ex at 18, I'm 38 now! Haven't had any issues with my age tho the milf hunters are a bit much for me. Prefer 30s or early to mid 40s men.

I'm 41 and was married for 13 years (well, I still am officially) and together for 18 years. I'd never really dated at all until a year ago and certainly never OLD.

I've met some nice men but am quite picky about who I swipe on, then who I chat to and I don't actually meet up with many men unless I feel a connection first.

It is a whole new world though and one I never expected to be in at my age!

@Ginmel hahaha I've just never had anyone vocalise it so much.

So. My day continues eventful. The man i was supposed to be meeting monday. We'd exchanged some cheeky pics (I have no excuses this time. That was a feverish weekend there) ...well something about his name. His reluctance to say precisely what he did. Me not being able to find him on SM got me into full stalker mode. He has a gf. 6 years. I saw her ig. Some of the pictures he has on his profile are taken in her house. So I sent her a message on ig. Some may say.....not to do that. But I would want to know

So I'm in a rage. The FB I've had for almost a year. Was good but on and off and more just fun than anything. Turned out to have a GF. Which I did end a few weeks ago for different reasons. But he gave me some story about how he was in a difficult situation with her and for the kid and how he'd loved every min we had together. Which I wasn't going to fall for. But tried to keep it friendly so we could both walk away. We have a lot of common friends. So it was easier.

Anyway I've now found out the whole time he's been planning his wedding and giving me all the bullshit. Which yes I guess is my fault but tbh at the time it was just FB. Until I realised the truth.

Now I'm just raging that not only is there a GF but he's been planning the whole wedding. Whilst also trying to win me back

@supercali77 I'd have done the same - I never understand the "it's none of your business, keep out of it" responses. Having been cheated on in my marriage, and knowing that people knew what was going on and didn't tell me was a complete blow on top of everything else. I know she's not your friend, but knowledge is power and all that - if it's something she accepts within their relationship, all well and good, but I suspect he's just a playa - as the kids say... I'd certainly want to know.

@DustMyselfOff I don't know how long it has been since your relationship ended, but I waited 18 months before I started actively dating. Still living together will put a whole extra load of stress into the mix. Personally I wouldn't date anyone that was still living with their ex, but I know some on here have as well as some that have been living with their exes due to circumstances and managed to date also. As has been said many times on these threads, OLD is very much a numbers game - the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone who ticks your boxes. You'll meet some nice ones on the way who you may strike up a friendship with, even if you don't have a romantic connection, you'll certainly meet some less desirable types, and most will just chat to and never meet - they just fizzle out or slow fade as we call it. I think it's important to have a good think about what you're really looking for at this stage - something casual where you're both happy seeing other people? something casual but exclusive so not in each other's pockets/meeting friends/family? An out and out FB - no chit chat - just "I'm free this Friday are you? winky emoji" Or something with long term potential? Personally I was looking for a bit of fun with a few different men after my marriage broke down. I had the fun and feel I've got it out of my system now. Very happy to be a one man woman now though, in fact during the 11 months that I've been OLD I've been in 2 relationships taking up 9 of those months, so it's definitely my preferred status.

@iamthrough I'd let MrBoat initiate the next contact. Good luck with your date tomorrow.

@StealthNinjaMum What's the situation with MrR and the introductions - is it something you just don't want to do (ever?) or are you waiting for a set time period so you're sure of where things are going between you?

@KhaleesiTargaryen Mr G sounds like just what you need after your last iron.

@EchoElephant That was a sad post to read. You don't have to accept that you'll be single for the rest of your life, but you do need to accept that you can't love someone into loving you (boy do I know this), but the right person will love you back. I'm glad you told him that you couldn't do the friendship thing - he was really messing with you

Jesus Christ, LIfegoes that is appalling. What an utter wanker! He's not Rod Liddle is he? Apparently he left his honeymoon early to see his mistress..

supercali you did the right thing. I had a friend who found out her live in boyfriend had a whole other life living with another woman.
Damn right she needed to know.

Woo and Ant, hope all works out well.

dustmyselfoff I am 46! Feeling old after hearing some of the other ages.
Sorry, to everyone not referenced - struggling to keep up as can only pop on here in short bursts!

My update - Dancing Man has been really lovely in the run up to my interview. He sent me a really lovely funny text this morning, with lots of nice compliments about how he sees me, to boost my confidence. I totally fucked up the interview and texted him to tell him and he said my awesomeness was undiminished in his eyes. The texts have been nice and kinda flirty. We have been texting about meeting up tomorrow and it was going to be in the city i live in but in the discussion about where and when he as suggested I could come to his neck of the woods if I wanted (outside the city I live in - 30 min drive).
I can't help feeling this may be so that we can get more intimate.
I had been really keen for this but tbh, the fact that he has been so nice in his texts is kinda making me wonder if I want to take things more slowly. To check out if he is that nice and if we do get on rather than it just being a physical attraction thing. I did say I would go over to his neck of the woods though....

Ha no @UnimpressorOfCocks I feel sick. Because my last relationship he was a narc and for months swore on his kids life he was separated and then I found out they were happily married. So that ended. But fuck me I never thought I'd end up in a similar situ with a FB

Thanks @JeSuisPrest Fingers crossed its a good one. I'll update the thread after.
I can't remember who was asking about ages. I'm late 40's. Long marriage most people didn't have mobile phones when I was last out dating!

@jesuisprest we've both discussed it and I'd love him to meet them but the general advice on mumsnet is to not introduce kids until you've been together a year and I suppose past the infatuation stage. We had a talk and cautiously we do see a future together and are looking for the same things so I feel fairly secure with him.

Also I only split with my ex less than a year ago and I think dc are struggling with that and other problems they've had that I haven't mentioned on the thread. They've had so much happen I want them to have some stability for a few months.

Mr R is patient and happy to put dc first but sometimes I would just like to have him over to watch TV with a glass of wine and a cuddle on the sofa.

I'm really glad to hear those who've been cheated on etc would rather know the truth. Obvs I was respectful. Also disclosed to her that I was happy to send her any screenshots of chats or his bumble profile I have them all. But didnt want to go straight in with it. No reply yet...it was over ig so she may not see it immediately. I feel very sorry for her.

Based on your conversation @supercali77 does make me wonder if I should tell this guy's wife to be. Or just leave it?

lifegoes Why are so many men such utter wankers? I've never heard of a woman living a double life with two families. But heard of loads of men!

It just makes me sick @UnimpressorOfCocks it's really knocked me actually. More than I thought it would.

@lifegoes I'd make an anonymous account and don't go into so much detail to identify yourself but give her the basics

The problem is @SBD1 she'll no doubt want proof and then they'll know it's me. I think she has a right to know the man she is planning on marrying is cheating on her. But at the same time I don't want cause drama and look like a jealous woman.

@lifegoes I'd argue that you don't NEED to provide proof. I do agree give her more than just a seed so she at least isn't working on paranoia but its up to her to deal with it anyway if that makes sense?

I guess it depends on what you're thinking you might say

lifegoes whilst I agree that she deserves to know the truth, you need to weigh up the personal cost against that. If you have common friends (who I'm presuming don't know you've been FB's?) what is the likely fallout from this and the potential impact on you?
What he's done is shit but don't screw up your own life because of his crappy behaviour and for somebody you don't know.

lifegoes I'm really sorry you've had such an awful experience. That would really knock me and make me feel awful too.
Don't these men realise that its real people with real lives and real emotions that they are fucking over whilst they are jacking their ego's off?
Its a real and complete and utter lack of respect and regard for the women they are with.
So sorry you have had this experience

It is depressing when people use OLD to facilitate their adultery. And annoying for everyone who is actually single and not interested in the attached but unfaithful.

I think it's best to know if your DP/H is a cheating arsewipe. People may be in denial or defensive, but it's best to find out. I do think that the messengers tend to get shot though.

Yeah I agree @Ant330 and that's what Is making me say no. Because all I do is potentially wreck a family (which really isn't my doing) friends will find out. Which they didn't know as I would have found out sooner. Create an issue for them and then I'm left with a lot to deal with.

I think she'd want proof @SBD1

I never met him on OLD, it's someone I knew IRL through connections.

Well I mean there is nothing wrong with considering the effect on your life. I personally hate being a source of drama and my family are what is important. If it means not telling someone to protect yourself, its probably the best thing to do!

@UnimpressorOfCocks sorry I missed your post there. Thank you for your lovely words. I don't get it, I will never get why someone cheats. Yes it's exciting for them but to hurt people along the way for that in my book is wrong. If you aren't happy in your relationship seek therapy, leave. Do something else other than hurt someone else along the way. Because I can honestly say it's an awful feeling to know you have been the OW and been part of what could potentially breakup a family and hurt others. Without even knowing you were.

Planning their wedding. Telling me one day he wants to take me away. The next booking a wedding videographer