I want to leave DH because of his exercise addiction. Anyone else?

[ElBanana]

I feel a bit stupid because there's no cheating, abuse, gambling etc.

We have 3 DC (12,10,9)

He has to do some sort of intensive exercise every day or he'll be in a terrible mood.

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids. It will be either mountain running or biking and it is usually for 2/3 hours plus shower time then he's tired but pretends not to be.

If I suggest taking the DC with him or going out later he becomes indignant. In his eyes he simply 'enjoys being outside' and it's me with the problem because I'm not being healthy and sporty and outdoorsy like he is (FWIW I do lead a healthy life and enjoy being outdoors).

He exercises secretly every day, he'll do hundreds of sit-ups in our dressing room but will pretend to be doing something else if I go in. I can hear him doing press ups in the bathroom.

Otherwise he's a great dad, and outside of his exercising time he does homework, plays with the kids and does housework. When he gets to do the activities that he wants he is a lovely person, but he has a problem that he won't face or admit to and I'm sick of his mind being elsewhere and his moods if he can't exercise.

We've been married for 15 years, this fanatical exercise started 5 years ago when he took up marathon running. I've just had enough of it now. He's not going to change and refuses to see any problem. The thought of telling the DC and our families that I'm breaking up our marriage because of an exercise problem seems absurd though and I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being absurd?

So if you separated giantturnip, how would he cope with having full responsibility for the children every other weekend, or even half the time? Might be a provoking thought for him.

What you and OP describe are selfish, sexist men, who believe homes and children are women's work and that they, their very special selves, can act like single men throughout their lives.

They'd behave the same way if they were single. What you've done is give them the opportunity to become fathers. Which they clearly aren't that arsed about being anyway, except as a distant notion.

There are legions of such selfish men described on MN every week. Mostly in terms of 'how do I persuade him to 'help' me with the housework and childcare' and 'to stop putting himself first in x way, all the time'?

Your selfish, sexist men also seem to have MH issues.

But really, what's in it for you? Wouldn't you be happier single?

at the moment lottiegarbanzo I am starting more and more to think that. other than providing financially for us (as children are under 4 and child care costs so much) that is all he does and I feel like his house keeper.

I guess the reason I put up with his selfish behaviour is because I feel some of it is down to depression and disordered thinking- and he uses exercise to try and make himself feel better and mask his feelings. I have had severe depression years ago and I know how hard it is. however, I got professional help and my family helped. I had PND with my first child and he never talked to me about it. I feel committed and that he will get even worse if I'm not around, but maybe that is just because I have got so used to living like this I don't know how to stop.

its a struggle to get him to look after the kids for a few hours, let alone a whole day. the amount of complaining means I just don't for an easier life, even though it isn't easier really as I get no break unless my mum helps.

What do you mean when you say he didn't talk about your PND? That he didn't offer any support or care? Or that he got on with practical supportive things in a helpful, uncritical manner?

If the former, then why are you committed to caring for him, when he isn't committed to caring for you?

Might talking about the possibility of separation, even temporarily, provide the kick up the arse he needs to acknowledge he has a problem? Making him think about how he would maintain a relationship with his DC? Maybe that would help him to acknowledge how much you do and how imbalanced things are at the moment - and that somethng needs to change?

I agree it's not the exercise per se, it's the fact that he is using it as a 'ruse' to avoid his responsibilities and duties towards his family, he is positioning himself as the star of the show, and in doing so he maneuvers you into the role of of 'general manager of all the other stuff'.
He gets to prioritise himself, the things that he enjoys, the things that give him a sense of personal achievement and fulfillment, he does not merely go out for long runs when it's convenient and when he can fit them in, no, he enters events, these are important therefore he must train for these events and they must take priority.
He allows himself the freedom to pick and choose which activities are right for him which sport he can best excel at, but you have no such freedom.

Sorry OP I’m kind of taking over your post.
I recognised the symptoms of PND and other than crying to him once and his agreeing I needed help, that was it. Went to GP alone. I had to sort child care to see therapist as he would not take time off work. Used to go to bed at 7.30 as I was so tired with PND and bad sleeper baby and he would sleep downstairs but could not even manage to do the washing up.

I guess at least your husband does house work OP! Although only once he’s got to do the exercise he wants

That sounds very lonely.

This is supposed to be your husband, your life partner, the person who loves and cares for you. Not employer to your housekeeper, patient to your nurse. Do you think he loves you? Likes you? Do you love and like him? It reads almost as if he sees marriage as a business transaction. He pays, you perform 'wife'.