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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave DH because of his exercise addiction. Anyone else?

131 replies

ElBanana · 16/09/2019 10:42

I feel a bit stupid because there's no cheating, abuse, gambling etc.

We have 3 DC (12,10,9)

He has to do some sort of intensive exercise every day or he'll be in a terrible mood.

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids. It will be either mountain running or biking and it is usually for 2/3 hours plus shower time then he's tired but pretends not to be.

If I suggest taking the DC with him or going out later he becomes indignant. In his eyes he simply 'enjoys being outside' and it's me with the problem because I'm not being healthy and sporty and outdoorsy like he is (FWIW I do lead a healthy life and enjoy being outdoors).

He exercises secretly every day, he'll do hundreds of sit-ups in our dressing room but will pretend to be doing something else if I go in. I can hear him doing press ups in the bathroom.

Otherwise he's a great dad, and outside of his exercising time he does homework, plays with the kids and does housework. When he gets to do the activities that he wants he is a lovely person, but he has a problem that he won't face or admit to and I'm sick of his mind being elsewhere and his moods if he can't exercise.

We've been married for 15 years, this fanatical exercise started 5 years ago when he took up marathon running. I've just had enough of it now. He's not going to change and refuses to see any problem. The thought of telling the DC and our families that I'm breaking up our marriage because of an exercise problem seems absurd though and I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being absurd?

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 16/09/2019 11:54

I think I might see things a bit differently than others. It sounds like exercise is important for him and makes him feel good. 2-3 hours is not really a problem every day and the shin fractures are not an uncommon issue for runners - all sports carry some risks. I think the problem is not that he is addicted to exercise but that he's not managing this in a way which is not impacting on his family a bit too much. Exercising at lunch sounds like a good idea and if he's agreed flexi-hours with his boss will cause no problems. Clearly he can't take the children with him as he will not get the intense workout he is seeking with younger children accompanying him. I do honestly think this is a communication problem and labelling him as an addict may be unhelpful. But getting him to see the need to compromise and work together is probably helpful. You both need to compromise - as always in marriage.

rhos · 16/09/2019 11:55

Lunacy

Original poster
ElBanana · 16/09/2019 11:56

@wtar19 Can I ask how you managed to recover?

@ThirstyGhost you are absolutely spot on, he has said all of those things to me before. Nothing changes, he just pretends to be doing less.

With regard to having an eating disorder, DH lived with a previous girlfriend who suffered from anorexia. He went to therapy with her and knows a great deal about the illness, I know he would furiously deny having such a problem.

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 16/09/2019 11:58

“I do honestly think this is a communication problem and labelling him as an addict may be unhelpful. But getting him to see the need to compromise and work together is probably helpful. You both need to compromise - as always in marriage.”

This!

lottiegarbanzo · 16/09/2019 12:02

Two issues. One, are you the default parent? He just assumes he can go out whenever, without making arrangements with you?

Related, has a he checked out of the marriage? Does he show care and love for you, or are you just his domestic staff and facilitator?

Secondly, he sounds like he has a disorder; an addiction or a MH issue similar to anorexia. The secrecy and the refusal to eat normally - healthily - are big red flags.

ThirstyGhost · 16/09/2019 12:04

The folk saying it's not serious problem and that it can be worked out by scheduling, do you think what OP describes here is normal, healthy behaviour? (genuine question, I'm not being sarcastic - would you do this?):

"He exercises secretly every day, he'll do hundreds of sit-ups in our dressing room but will pretend to be doing something else if I go in. I can hear him doing press ups in the bathroom."

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 16/09/2019 12:05

@Dosomething in one day, making your kids do a climbing wall, then swimming then a cycling session is complete and utter lunacy. Totally OTT and you probably need to examine your addiction to exercise if you think that's normal.

LannieDuck · 16/09/2019 12:09

It does sound like an addiction, but i'm not sure how to advise tackling that.

Exercise can happen too, but the family has to come first. So he needs to:

i) Ensure he does his share of housework
ii) Ensure he does his share of childcare - this could be doing something active with them
iii) Communicate his plans for the weekend, and accept family plans take priority - i.e. he needs to work around what the family is doing
iv) Ensure you get as much free time to enjoy hobbies as he does at weekends and in the evenings

I'm very interested in why he's reluctant to involve the kids in his exercise. It suggests it's not about being healthy (because surely he'd want to extend that to his kids?), but is actually about his ego (and possibly avoiding housework/childcare).

Span1elsRock · 16/09/2019 12:11

You don't need to justify your actions to anyone.

If he's making you unhappy, then it's time to make a change.

Flowers
Dosomething · 16/09/2019 12:14

Sorry but I disagree PrettyFly. My boys don't stop running from the moment they wake up regardless of if they are out with me or not. We do this regularly at the weekends and when we get home they are still doing parkour round the living room. Don't put your own prejudices onto other people. We also do activity holidays and they do a shit load more than that each day when we are away!! What I've described there is a mornings worth when we are on holiday. As a family we absolutely love it and the boys ask to go. There's no way I'd make them do something they didn't want to do. None of them like football so I cancelled that. One likes judo, I don't but I still take him. Our family is a democracy. Everybody has a voice and I'm lucky i guess that I've got kids who are extremely energetic and gung ho. There's no sitting around doing nothing. Just the way it is. Every family is different dude. My point to the OP (and really you should be addressing the OP and not me as I didn't post asking for your opinion and neither do I care) is that its possible to get lots of exercise at the weekend and include the family with some jiggling around, ingenuity, creativity and compromise. You know, useful advice rather than your totally unhelpful pointless post. Go back to square one and try again

hopeishere · 16/09/2019 12:15

It is a problem. I've a friend who exercises intensely. When injured she's miserable. She knows it's excessive but the high of getting a better time or whatever seems to override that.

wtar19 · 16/09/2019 12:15

@ElBanana

Lots of CBT - because I wasn't considered 'high risk' I had to do this privately as the NHS list is so long.

It also took me a long time to admit I needed help - for a while I genuinely didn't know the way I lived was an issue.

I really did think I was just 'better' at being slim and people were just lazy or jealous of me and wanted to me to get help because it would make them feel better if I was fat. Embarrassing to admit!

Dosomething · 16/09/2019 12:16

Oh and BTW theres no "making" my kids do anything. My family would roar with laughter at that. My eldest is taller than me. Yeah, its really possible to "make" him do something. You're a fucking comedian!

Original poster
ElBanana · 16/09/2019 12:17

He does do active stuff with the kids, biking, swimming, mountain hiking etc but then he will still want to do 'proper exercise' that they can't be involved with like running or biking up a mountain.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 16/09/2019 12:18

Where does your child-free leisure time fit in OP?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2019 12:18

My gut reaction to the eating was to think your dh has an eating disorder. If he knows a great deal about eating disorders, he will already know how to hide his behaviour and how to minimise. Just because he says he doesn’t have an addiction to exercise or an Ed, it doesn’t make this true.

wtar19 · 16/09/2019 12:19

@ElBanana this sounds familiar. I could do long walk or gym class with a friend but would go early and do my 'routine' otherwise it didn't count.

Being active wasn't enough if I wasn't following the rules / routine I 'had' to complete.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/09/2019 12:21

Btw, I think doing lots of exercise and training for events is fine, in itself. But, in a family, it has to fit in with other people.

I'd expect someone interested in performance to want to eat healthily. Not to refuse proper meals on non-training days. That's not going to help with the training.

IamAporcupine · 16/09/2019 12:22

@ElBanana - I've been thinking of starting a very similar thread for a while Flowers

My DH might not be exercising 3 hours a day, but all the signs are there - mainly the obsession and grumpiness.

In his case, he did (does?) have an eating disorder. Exercise was, allegedly, his way to stop it. It is therefore extremely difficult to get him to admit that this behaviour is also not healthy.

Please PM if you want. I too find this very distressing.

I'm guessing, like with any addiction, he's just not "present" in your relationship any more. It's the dead-behind-the-eyes thing, where you can't see the person you used to know.

This resonated with me so so much Sad

Toastymash · 16/09/2019 12:24

It sounds like he has a problem. It could be an eating disorder, it could be something else.

In my case, it's up to you whether or not you want to stick around for it. No one else can tell you what to do. You either stay and support your husband through this, or you leave. There is no right or wrong. Do what feels right for you.

30to50FeralHogs · 16/09/2019 12:26

You don’t want a divorce because he is exercising. You want one because he has check out of family life and is putting his hobby before the greater good of the family

Yes, this.

It sounds like he has let his addiction to either the process or the results of his exercise take over in an unhealthy way. There’s something about a man running marathons that brings out that selfish side in them. I wonder how many mums of young DCs regularly take several hours out of their weekend to pursue a solo hobby?!

FWIW I have recently had a conversation with my DP about a new hobby which is taking him away from time with me, tiring him out so he’s too exhausted to do anything fun when he IS with me, and distracting his attention so that he’s always thinking/talking/shopping for said hobby when he’s at my house.

I had a gentle word and said I’m starting to resent how much it’s taken over (he does it everyday, from 1.5 hours most days to 4/5 if he’s having a busy day!) and he immediately said thank you for bringing it up and I’ll try to be more mindful of it.

I don’t want to ruin his fun, but I do want to part of his fun and this was just getting in the way of our life together.

If you’ve tried talking to him calmly about it, which I’m sure you have, then maybe he needs at least to feel the shock of the threat to split up.

And if that isn’t enough to make him sit up and realise, maybe trying to juggle his time as a weekend dad with his running might make him realise how selfish he’s being?

Liara · 16/09/2019 12:28

DH is like this. We've been together almost 30 years and I know he's not going to change, and I accept it.

The way we make it work is to have clear boundaries.

He must not lie and must not be unrealistic ('my training takes half an hour, so I can be at the dinner table in one hour' - like hell).

He must find the time to do his exercise in ways that do not impact the rest of the family (if he wants to sacrifice his sleep, so be it, provided he doesn't disturb anyone else).

He must not project his shit onto anyone else. No acting contemptuously if people are slobbing out on the sofa, etc. His problems are not ours and he will not pass them on to our dc.

He recognises it all and does his best to comply with the rules, so it is pretty much under control and doesn't bother me. I take it as his leisure time and take the equivalent time to myself to do with as I please. I do not accept his choice of leisure is in any way superior to mine, whatever mine happens to be that day.

PEkithelp · 16/09/2019 12:28

I also thought eating disorder from your posts

verticality · 16/09/2019 12:31

I am all for couples having hobbies. HOWEVER, these hobbies need to be organised so that the labour that goes into raising children and running a household does not fall disproportionately on one person. Basically, if your DH gets 2-3 hours off one evening, you get 2-3 hours off the next. And all activities are agreed and coordinated in advance. The moment he agreed to be the father of your kids, he gave up the right to determine his own time in complete and selfish isolation from the family unit.

Huskylover1 · 16/09/2019 12:35

I have visions of dosomething typing away furiously, whilst doing this morning's Sky Dive. This will be followed by Quinoa with hessian shavings for lunch, and a 50 mile run to school in time for pick up. Confused

Everybody has a voice and I'm lucky i guess that I've got kids who are extremely energetic and gung ho. There's no sitting around doing nothing

Sounds like Prison. Horrendous and not even remotely normal. So you never chill out with your husband and a bottle of wine? Never lay in bed with him and have some lazy pillow talk? Never chill out on the sofa as a family, and watch a movie? Never relax over cocktails with friends?

Jeeeeeeez. Not. Normal.