I want to leave DH because of his exercise addiction. Anyone else?

[ElBanana]

I feel a bit stupid because there's no cheating, abuse, gambling etc.

We have 3 DC (12,10,9)

He has to do some sort of intensive exercise every day or he'll be in a terrible mood.

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids. It will be either mountain running or biking and it is usually for 2/3 hours plus shower time then he's tired but pretends not to be.

If I suggest taking the DC with him or going out later he becomes indignant. In his eyes he simply 'enjoys being outside' and it's me with the problem because I'm not being healthy and sporty and outdoorsy like he is (FWIW I do lead a healthy life and enjoy being outdoors).

He exercises secretly every day, he'll do hundreds of sit-ups in our dressing room but will pretend to be doing something else if I go in. I can hear him doing press ups in the bathroom.

Otherwise he's a great dad, and outside of his exercising time he does homework, plays with the kids and does housework. When he gets to do the activities that he wants he is a lovely person, but he has a problem that he won't face or admit to and I'm sick of his mind being elsewhere and his moods if he can't exercise.

We've been married for 15 years, this fanatical exercise started 5 years ago when he took up marathon running. I've just had enough of it now. He's not going to change and refuses to see any problem. The thought of telling the DC and our families that I'm breaking up our marriage because of an exercise problem seems absurd though and I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being absurd?

@Dosomething

I read your posts and I can’t see any problem with it! If it doesn’t work then exercise gets dumped for the weekend. Kids needs come first.

My weekends with children also very active. If you’re not that way inclined - I imagine it might look like “prison”, but for some of us - biking, running, climbing with our children as something that is a joyous win win (they love it. I love it. It’s brilliant for our health. It’s often free!). And then we all flake on sofa early evening for a family film and popcorn. Perfect!

If his work pays the bills I’d just let him get on with it.

If his work pays the bills I’d just let him get on with it.

Wtf

What kind of approach to marriage and family is this?!

To the posters saying it's normal, if he does have an eating disorder then he is probably also feeling deeply unhappy and out of control. This is a very different situation to choosing to spend your time actively. For people with EDs it isn't a choice, they are compelled to do it.

I agree with PP: this is a mental health issue which involves disordered eating as well as excessive exercising. However, if he won't acknowledge it or seek help, then there is nothing you can do but take DC and leave.
It's perfectly all right to do this. As with any addiction or compulsive behaviour pattern, not only should you not have to put up with it, but it will get worse. And, unfortunately, addicts often progress to theft and abuse of family members if the family members get in the way of the addict's fix, or question the addict's behaviour. It sounds like this man is part way there already - you are all having to tiptoe round his moods as well as his 'schedule'.

I will bet he's weird and disengaged. And also, that he's not thinking, where is my dear wife's two or three hours a day that SHE gets to have free!

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids.

Sorry, slip of the finger! I meant:

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids. That is irresponsible at best, abusive at worst (does it ever mean you get –justifiably –cross with him and he reacts like you've got a problem?)

If I suggest taking the DC with him or going out later he becomes indignant. In his eyes he simply 'enjoys being outside' and it's me with the problem That is gaslighting and emotional abuse.

When he gets to do the activities that he wants he is a lovely person And when he doesn't? Is he three?

Otherwise he's a great dad, and outside of his exercising time he does homework, plays with the kids and does housework. Can you imagine someone saying that about a mother?

He's an abusive arse, OP. If he wont seek help for it and the exercise addiction he's not worth having.

If his work pays the bills I’d just let him get on with it

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Problem 1: Man neglects wife and family, to the point that wife considers leaving him.

Problem 2: Man may have MH problem.

Shortfeet's answer: 'I’d just let him get on with it.'

'It' being the destruction of his marriage and his mental health.

I think Shortfeet is saying 'leave and leave him to his fate'. Right?

You should leave because his wants come before the family needs. The family needs him to spend time with them also pn stuff that isnt his hobby. His wife needs as much down time as him. The family needs to be the priority, only left over time should be his to fill as he wants. He is a self centered man and you feel it, you just didn't know how to phrase it.

Not sure if this has been mentioned as posting in haste at work but this level of exercise is potnetially dangerous physically, as well as the copulsiveness suggesting an MH issue. Tehre was an intersting article in New Scientist recently about the optimum level of exercise, and how exceeding it increases the risk of physical damage - the body has no reserves to repair it - and also I think weakens the immune system?

The fact that he is not taking your feelings into considraton however is the main issue. If you need a way to explain a (potential) break-up to yourself, him, and others, then I'd say the fact that his exercise has become more important to him than you and the children, and always has to come first, would be the way to describe what has happened.

Just to add that it can still be a disorder just with the exercise on it's own. I know both may be present here, but just mentioning.

I think this thread is interesting in that you can clearly see how incredibly difficult it is to get addiction to exercise taken seriously. Fitness and health is something to aspire to right? Plus there are families like @Dosomething 's whose lifestyle is full of exercise and activities which is great for them. To me that seems quite aspirational (I'm a dweller of sofas). But that is why someone like the OP's husband, with an actual addiction to exercise, is able to hide, minimise, carry on with his addictive behaviours largely unchallenged (apart from his wife who can see the problems it creates. It's killing their relationship).

And even posts like this:

leaserspottedmummybird Mon 16-Sep-19 13:21:51
It's better than sitting on his arse all day drinking beer and watching tv a la Jim royal style. Why not just go exercising with him op?

Actually, it can be as bad. If the addiction to exercise means that this man's relationship breaks down further, his wife and children leave him, his work continues to "notice" his extended absences and so eventually his job goes, his mental health is suffering, and all he has left is his fitness until even that "breaks" (because if it carries on as an addiction physically that is likely). Then what is he left with? In my experience you're only ever a functioning addict for so long. Then you start to lose the basic, important things.

Thank god DH is a couch potato! My SIL is like this and just had hip replacement op at 50 as she's literally worn the ends of her femurs away!

I have spoken to him many, many times, it always ends up the same way, with him telling me that I know nothing about it and me finding proof to back up my thoughts and him ignoring it. Ever decreasing circles.

He’s also been hospitalised twice, once with severe kidney stones and once recently for pneumonia and sepsis.
He was hospitalised for over a week but all he was worried about was the ironman! He completed it 8 weeks later.

He is beyond selfish and it impacts on every part of the relationship and his relationships with the DC

I’m sick of being last on the list and there are other problems too.

I’m getting my ducks in a row and getting ready for a fight as I know he’ll make my life hell.

You are not at all unreasonable or absurd

This sounds like an unhealthy obsession to me, and is potentially eating disorder territory, which brings into question his mental health. He may well need help, but can he be persuaded that he even has a problem in the first place.

My DD is a recovering anorexic. She was given her diagnosis of that in December last year, and so many of the symptoms you describe struck a chord with me - lots of exercise, restricting her eating (furtively at first) etc. She became extremely adept at doing this under the guise of being healthy, until it became abundantly clear that she wasn't and then we were referred to the correct mental health teams. We still go to the Eating Disorders Clinic weekly. She was paper thin at the time of diagnosis but still tried to insist that she was not ill.

Is it any good trying to talk to your DH about the potential for mental health problems and an eating disorder? Would he listen, or would he just dismiss it and maybe get defensive? If he won't listen then the question becomes one of how long you can tolerate going on as you are, for the sake or yourself and the children. That is when you come to the question of whether to leave him or not, and it sounds as though you might be nearing that point.

It is very hard living with someone in this sort of state, and with these obsessive behaviours. Nobody should deny that or try to convince you that it is in any way normal so don't listen to those trying to say that. They aren't in this situation, and possibly have no experience of the issues which may lead to it. You are the one who is dealing with this right here and now.

I did have some leverage with my DD as she was still just 16 when she got her diagnosis. She was still reluctant and stubborn about accepting it, although she now seems to have done so. What seemed to swing it for her was that she was borderline whether or not the mental health teams were going to insist that she was withdrawn from school and put on bed rest. DD was horrified, persuaded them to hold off and then gradually began engaging better with the process.

It would be much more difficult with an adult if they don't want to accept that there is anything wrong. Hopefully he can be persuaded to get some help, but if he can't then it comes down to how long you and the children can continue to live with this.

To posters suggesting I join DH, this isn't a spot of jogging, tennis or aerobics, this is running up then down a 2500 ft mountain or biking 30 miles across our local mountain range. Every day. Then sit-ups and press ups after the kids have gone to bed.

Also, we both work full time so both pay the bills, although I don't really see what part that plays in the discussion.

OP, that is why those people are talking bollocks.

He's doing what he wants to do. That should be accommodated as much as possible for both people on a marriage.
Do you get to do what YOU want to do ?
If not why not ?
You cant crowbar a partner into being your preferred version of him.
If you can't stand it , yes , leave him. And exchange one set of problems for another set.

And if he has some genuine addiction problem we all know that only the addict themselves can sort that out

I cannot believe the lack of sympathy on here!

It is deeply problematic when a partner checks out of the relationship like that. He puts his own needs first, and his family need to fit in around HIS needs, and that IS a problem.

Are you able to command 2-3 hours to yourself to do exactly as you please?

When my DH checked out of family life to do a very time consuming hobby (and it's a common thing for men of young families to do...) I always felt that he tried so hard to get away from us, and the restrictions of family life. Also, I did not get equal leisure time.

It was a breaking point in our relationship (but we got past it, he downsized the hobby AND I started taking same amount of time off myself. he then said: "we never see eachother!" ....duh, yes, exactly. He needed to experience it from the other side)

He now feels very guilty about those years when the kids were small, and can't even look at photo's from that period (cue, he's in none of them, as he was never there. Some of my friends thought I ahd an imaginary husband)

Something has to give OP. Look after yourself

Ignore people who are implying this is normal or ‘you both have to compromise’. Clearly, he has a very serious addiction and it could end up costing him his family.

He needs proper treatment. You need proper support.

First, he is not a good father. Good fathers consult their partner on plans, share leisure time, and don’t take unnecessary risks with their health or employment.

If he is taking more than an hour to exercise at lunchtime, he is probably not completing his core hours at work, which is a disciplinary issue, so he is taking regular risks with his employment. He’s lucky that - as far as he knows - this has not so far been noticed.

You could seek advice from an eating disorders charity. Much depends on his readiness / willingness to see that he has an issue with exercise.

It does sound like you may well need to end the relationship. If you do so, it’s likely that he will leave much of the parenting to you, and see even less of the DC, and prioritise his regime. May start dating someone sporty with no DC!

I do have great sympathy with DH and anyone with an eating or compulsive exercise disorder.

But if someone is a parent and is not able to accept they have a problem and seek and actively participate in treatment, then IMO the partner who is well has to put the DCs’ and their own interests first.

I do wish people would read the thread properly. It's not the 3 hrs exercise per day that is the OPs complaint, it's his inability to schedule it at an appropriate time that would also allow family activities and his negative commentary about normal eating giving DCs a complex.

Some of the responses are ridiculous- apparently working full time means a man doesn't have to participate in family life , but a woman who equally works full time does.

OP I get it, DH has similar tendencies but thankfully not as extreme. You were preparing to leave before- give him a months ultimatum and if he doesn't improve then leave.

No advice but I have a good friend who is in the grip of an exercise addiction. She used to be so easygoing but now all social plans have to fit in around her gym visits. I can only imagine how hard it is for you being married to someone like this. Hope you work something out, whatever it is.