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Original poster

I want to leave DH because of his exercise addiction. Anyone else?

131 replies

ElBanana · 16/09/2019 10:42

I feel a bit stupid because there's no cheating, abuse, gambling etc.

We have 3 DC (12,10,9)

He has to do some sort of intensive exercise every day or he'll be in a terrible mood.

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids. It will be either mountain running or biking and it is usually for 2/3 hours plus shower time then he's tired but pretends not to be.

If I suggest taking the DC with him or going out later he becomes indignant. In his eyes he simply 'enjoys being outside' and it's me with the problem because I'm not being healthy and sporty and outdoorsy like he is (FWIW I do lead a healthy life and enjoy being outdoors).

He exercises secretly every day, he'll do hundreds of sit-ups in our dressing room but will pretend to be doing something else if I go in. I can hear him doing press ups in the bathroom.

Otherwise he's a great dad, and outside of his exercising time he does homework, plays with the kids and does housework. When he gets to do the activities that he wants he is a lovely person, but he has a problem that he won't face or admit to and I'm sick of his mind being elsewhere and his moods if he can't exercise.

We've been married for 15 years, this fanatical exercise started 5 years ago when he took up marathon running. I've just had enough of it now. He's not going to change and refuses to see any problem. The thought of telling the DC and our families that I'm breaking up our marriage because of an exercise problem seems absurd though and I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being absurd?

OP posts:

managedmis · 16/09/2019 12:36

FWIW my DH probably spends 2 hours a day gaming, I'd prefer your bloke tbh. At least he's probably ripped

PonderingPanda · 16/09/2019 12:43

@ElBanana - life would change for him too as l would expect him to have the children EOW and half of all holidays. Maybe point that out to him.

My XH was the same...days out would be spent with him asking when we're going home as he'd want to go out on his bike etc.

His face was a picture when l said he'd have the DC EOW etc...

When do you get time off?

TatianaLarina · 16/09/2019 12:47

Addiction is addiction. It takes over people’s lives, and their families.

He could have a kind of exercise anorexia posters are right. One of my anorexic friends had a similar MO.

Widgetsframe · 16/09/2019 12:49

I would suggest couples counselling. My Sister, estranged currently has an eating disorder and is forcing exercise and diet restrictions into her DC’s. In your shoes I would worry about your DC and lack of support at home

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 16/09/2019 12:50

@Dosomething priceless. Thanks for your response

Dosomething · 16/09/2019 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OMGshefoundmeout · 16/09/2019 12:56

My heart sank as I read your OP. It sounded so much like my DD when she was in the grips of an EO. She has been much better for some time now but I know she is struggling if she starts doing two hour gym sessions just as much as if she started weighing her food portions again.

I don’t know what to suggest as he needs to see it as a problem himself and want to recover and at the moment he clearly doesn’t. And going on at him will be counter productive because as an illness/addiction it is very much about control.

museumum · 16/09/2019 12:57

I really don’t think the exercise is the problem it’s lack of communication and compromise. I know lots of runners and mountain bikers. The activities they do are crucial for their mental health. Some get up and go out at 5/6am before breakfast. Some go at lunchtime or run or cycle their commute (I know someone who runs 12k each way every day).
Your dh needs to put his exercise into acceptable slots in family life, not let it control him and you.

TatianaLarina · 16/09/2019 12:59

Dosomething, you do seem to be missing the point somewhat.

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 16/09/2019 13:12

@Dosomething bit harsh there to that poor poster who was only pulling your leg. Maybe go for a long cycle then swim and chill a bit

Ginmel · 16/09/2019 13:13

Have you heard of [https://www.montecatinieatingdisorder.com/anorexia/articles/treatment-of-athletica/] anorexia athletica op? It sounds like your husband needs help

Ginmel · 16/09/2019 13:14

[https://www.montecatinieatingdisorder.com/anorexia/articles/treatment-of-athletica]

Bluetrews25 · 16/09/2019 13:14

Sorry, OP, that is very much eating disordered behaviour.
EDs are not just about restricting input or binge/vomit.
Most restricters I have met also overexercise and have to do their particular routine or they feel hugely guilty and cannot eat even their frugal amount.
I fear this will not be great for your relationship. Strangely, separating is often necessary for recovery.
(I used to work in an ED unit.)

Squashpocket · 16/09/2019 13:15

Sounds like a sub-group of bulimia in which the person uses exercise to 'purge' rather than vomiting.

IamAporcupine · 16/09/2019 13:17

Sounds like a sub-group of bulimia in which the person uses exercise to 'purge' rather than vomiting.

^^ this

bombomboobah · 16/09/2019 13:18

I am very much like this, I need intensive physical exercise to keep me happy and I plan my life around my exercise schedule, my children are independent adults, my partner has a similar attitude to exercise and I don't consider it an addiction because I can't see it as being in any way harmful, it's just 'my thing'

Rachelover60 · 16/09/2019 13:20

Exercise is great and good for you, we all know that, but moderation in all things is best and it sounds like he is addicted.

I don't know what to say to you but wanted you to know I sympathise I hope someone will give him a good talking to and help him get things in proportion.

leaserspottedmummybird · 16/09/2019 13:21

It's better than sitting on his arse all day drinking beer and watching tv a la Jim royal style. Why not just go exercising with him op?

IamAporcupine · 16/09/2019 13:25

I think those of you who love to exercise and do it intensively, are missing the point here.
Yes, exercise might be 'your/your family's thing' but everything in the OP situation points at something else.

This thread has deeply upset me. I live my days 'pretending' this is not an issue when I perfectly know it is. I wish I could help him, I wish he could just talk to me and open up, but I know he will never accept there is an issue

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 16/09/2019 13:27

You are not being in the least bit absurd.

Your children might find it hard to understand at first, but in later life I am sure they will appreciate why you could no longer continue to live with an addict. Addictive behviour is hideous to live with - you do not have to enable it, that is not your place in this world.

goodwinter · 16/09/2019 13:27

OP please don't listen to the people telling you this is normal. A high level of activity on its own may be normal in a family like @dosomething's, but it looks like a lot of people are not picking up on the clear signs of an eating disorder in your post: obsessiveness, secrecy, a refusal to eat if he hasn't burned enough calories (or lying and saying he's already eaten). These are all classic ED behaviours. Your husband may or may not consciously understand this already, but either way he needs professional help.

crazyhead · 16/09/2019 13:31

I know lots of bad ass exercisers (I exercise most days but am not in this category). They don’t have disorders (which it sounds as though your DH may do) but it is a whole way of life, almost like a religion. I don’t think that the bad-ass iron-man-loving people I am friends with would be at all well suited to being in a relationship with a non bad-ass exerciser, because it is such an all consuming thing. Basically, in the same way that I, as an atheist, would be badly suited to a marriage with a deeply religious person that spent all their time at the church/temple or whatever. It would feel like a real disconnect.

Who cares what is ‘normal’- maybe I would be happier if I DID become religious, and as far as your DH is concerned really quite high levels of exercise may be good for his body (though he equally may be mentally unwell, as you say). But It’s also about whether you actually whether you want to stay with someone who has an all consuming viewpoint and hobby that you don’t share. Dunno if I would. Sometimes, one person in a relationship just changes too much.

daisyjgrey · 16/09/2019 13:33

I have a close friend with mental health issues and he is an all or nothing type with exercise.
He's well aware of all the issues and what's going on and his stock line to people who run and exercise fanatically is "what are you running away from? There's always something that makes a person run like that, what is it?"

I'd say it sounds like that applies here.

AllNewDay · 16/09/2019 13:36

My money is on anorexia athletica - google it!

Superfoodie123 · 16/09/2019 13:41

No not absurd at all. Addiction can be to anything, he needs help.

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