I want to leave DH because of his exercise addiction. Anyone else?

[ElBanana]

I feel a bit stupid because there's no cheating, abuse, gambling etc.

We have 3 DC (12,10,9)

He has to do some sort of intensive exercise every day or he'll be in a terrible mood.

He organises his day around the activity he's planning on doing but doesn't mention his plans to me or the kids. It will be either mountain running or biking and it is usually for 2/3 hours plus shower time then he's tired but pretends not to be.

If I suggest taking the DC with him or going out later he becomes indignant. In his eyes he simply 'enjoys being outside' and it's me with the problem because I'm not being healthy and sporty and outdoorsy like he is (FWIW I do lead a healthy life and enjoy being outdoors).

He exercises secretly every day, he'll do hundreds of sit-ups in our dressing room but will pretend to be doing something else if I go in. I can hear him doing press ups in the bathroom.

Otherwise he's a great dad, and outside of his exercising time he does homework, plays with the kids and does housework. When he gets to do the activities that he wants he is a lovely person, but he has a problem that he won't face or admit to and I'm sick of his mind being elsewhere and his moods if he can't exercise.

We've been married for 15 years, this fanatical exercise started 5 years ago when he took up marathon running. I've just had enough of it now. He's not going to change and refuses to see any problem. The thought of telling the DC and our families that I'm breaking up our marriage because of an exercise problem seems absurd though and I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being absurd?

Horrible situation OP. It's very tough when you know the one you love has MH issues, but you cannot let that impact negatively on the lives of you and your DC.

If your child had this problem then obviously you'd keep working to get them treatment. But this is a fully grown adult, and it's been going on a long time.

You can't keep exposing your DC to this - they will be internalizing the negative body image talk.

I think I'd get some legal advice, look at the practicalities (which it sounds like you've done already) and then lay your cards on the table. "You accept you have a problem or I'm leaving."

Out of interest, do you know if he has a history of childhood abuse or bullying? My late H and I used to work with victims of sexual abuse and it was very common for male survivors to develop what were then called "musclerexia". (I'm guessing from PP links that has now been renamed Atletica which is much less belittling and trvialising.)

I can see that 'excessive' focus on health and exercise is self indulgent and not really compatible with being in a relationship

I think it's important to recap on what the OP has told us on this thread so far. Husband exercises for extended periods of time and it's having an impact on family life. Not good. If that were the whole story this thread would be about how to tackle the issue of a selfish husband. However that isn't the whole story as the OP has also told us that the husband is exercising in secret, struggles when he doesn't exercise and has a worrying attitude to food. These revelations change the whole story and make it pretty clear that the husband is potentially suffering from a pretty serious mental health condition. To be honest the responses on here talking about how to challenge a 'selfish' husband or to get the whole family to join in with his activities are really inappropriate. The husband clearly needs help and the OP needs support and suggestions about how she can get her highly resistant husband to seek help.

I cant see any evidence of a mental health issues, more differing ideas about what is normal, for those who arent into exercise marathon running is 'fanatical' if you're into that kind of thing then extended periods of exercise are normal, after all wasn't that what we all did in prehistoric times, persistence hunting, ie the ability to run for extended periods is what made humans a successful species, our bodies NEED extended periods of intense activity in order to be in optimal condition

I can’t see any evidence of a mental health issues

Ri-ght.

He sounds similar to be, but more extreme and in a fair bit of denial.

I exercise everyday, I either do a 45 minute insanity style work out or 45 minutes of weights. I then do my press up challenge before bed (day 83) and my squat challenge (day 26). On Saturday I spend an additional hour at the gym while my son is at rugby tots and a 45 minutes on a Sunday while he has a swimming lesson (unless it’s a badge day).

I’m however not secretive about it, I do most of mine either before my son gets up, or when he is bed purely for convenience. If my boyfriend had stayed over that night I wouldn’t hide it from him etc. I do however limit how much of it my son sees.

I have also recently been discharged from the ED clinic after eight years. My ED doesn’t impact my weight, I was always getting enough to do my exercise and be a semi professional rugby player (prop).

Three hours a day is selfish.

The secrecy however is the worrying part. Is he actually eating enough to maintain his body size?

I think you could say 'when I look at your days I feel that you behave exactly like someone with an eating disorder'.

Then leave a big silent gap.

My best friend has Anorexia Athletica, your DH sounds exactly the same. It’s all consuming and she can’t settle at all until all of her exercise for the day is done (it’s a lot) There’s no breaks even for holidays and will not eat until she’s clocked her calories. She actually has disabilities and has fought through work outs with broken bones.

I understand that this is not the way you want to live and want to leave but I think you need to get your DH mental health help, it can spiral and turn deadly.

You can't just leave your husband because he exercises . Even extreme exercises. That's just

There's a saying in triathlon circles that if you're still married after an Ironman race, you didn't train hard enough.

What you write, OP, is a common issue among my married friends. Triathlon training has broken up more than one marriage in my circle of friends. And that's how your DH sees it - as "training"...not "exercising".

Sadly, I seriously doubt if he sees his training as a problem or as a compulsion/addiction. Many of my tri friends wake up at 3 am to get their swim training in (thanks to 24 HR Fitness gyms) and a bike or run in afterwards. But, unless he's trying to qualify for Kona or good enough to go pro, it's just a hobby, We triathletes have a strong tendency to take ourselves VERY seriously. TOO seriously. I know I did when I was training for my first and last Ironman last year, but...I was single at the time and I have no children.

Previous posters are correct - triathlon is a selfish sport, and unless you're a triathlete yourself, you will always feel like you come in 2nd to training. Also, the probability of an affair amongst his training circle is HUGE! All of my triathlete friends are married to triathletes, and many started as affairs.

I truly hope that your talk goes well and that he listens to your concerns. Were you able to be his race sherpa during his Ironman? Even if you're not into racing triathlons yourself, offering to sherpa helps tri partners feel like they're part of the sport, too.

Were you able to be his race sherpa
🤣😂🤣
I'm sure that the OP is just desperate to be his handmaiden and servant whilst he indulges himself in his obsession with reaching the peak of physical fitness.
I don't think this bloke has a mental health problem but being this obsessed with something is often just not compatible with being in a relationship unless the other person is similarly obsessed, imo
I speak as an exercise 'addict' whose partner is also very into that kind of thing

She doesn't want to be part of his sport...she wants him to be part of their relationship

LOL! Yeah, being his sherpa was a long shot. :)

But, yes, I agree with bombomboobah, it's more of a compatibility issue.

Why is he in a bad mood if he doesn't get all of his training hours in, OP? Does he exercise...erm...train to reduce stress? Or does he get into a bad mood because he's worried he won't be ready for race day?

My husband (we started dating after my Ironman :) ) is/was an adventure racer, nationally ranked, on a national team. He trained 6 hours a day, every day, for over a year (bike commuting 4 hours a day to and from work was part of it). He was also single. But, he embraced the training hours because underneath everything he was clinically depressed. Since he's been with me, he's addressed his depression, is on meds that have changed his life completely, and no longer needs to train compulsively. He'll still do a 2 hour bike ride every other day, but that's it.

Could your DH be masking depression with exercising?

Dramaless, sorry if my post came across as rude, I do agree with you all of us exercise 'addicts' take ourselves very seriously we call it training not exercising, I am very aware that other people think I am weird and obsessive but I am just doing the things that I enjoy doing, I'm aware it's self indulgent but it doesn't harm anyone else and I want my body to be in as good as a shape as it possibly can be, for the sake of vanity but also for the sake of health and longevity.
There is no scientific consensus on how much exercise is too much exercise, and even then there's cardiovascular training, strength training, flexibility training etc etc if you want to optimise all these things then you will have to invest quite a lot of time, 2-3 hours a day

Oh, it didn't come across as rude at all, bombom! I'm in total agreement with everything you've posted. And , yes, many MANY of my non-tri friends think I'm crazy/obsessed/psycho that I train/exercise so much. But...I love it, I love my 53 yo body because of what it can do. I'm also retired and have no kids and a husband who joins me on occasion, and that makes a huge difference.

It sounds such a worry and also a pain in the arse but maybe focus in the worry side. Tell him you'd ask for a divorce but instead you are worried and want to help. It's not normal or ok to do secret exercise or talk about food in that manner

This sounds so familiar to me. My DH has been behaving like this for 30 years and I can't see it ever changing. He does help around the house but this is partly because I have a much more time consuming job than he does. We have reached the stage where the children don't even ask where he is anymore. If he is in a mood they urge him to got out to exercise so that he won't be so grumpy at home. I thought it might change when I had the children but it really hasn't. I find myself eaten up by resentment which is really damaging to our relationship. If you can manage to leave I wouldn't blame you at all.

“it doesn't harm anyone else”: if you’re single, have a job that allows for a lot of leisure time, or with someone equally into exercise and/or happy to spend limited time together.

It does harm others in this instance: OP and the DC.

dramalessllama
Why is he in a bad mood if he doesn't get all of his training hours in, OP? Does he exercise...erm...train to reduce stress? Or does he get into a bad mood because he's worried he won't be ready for race day?

I think this is the core, and the reason why some of you who are extremely active and train for races etc are missing the point.
For you, not being able to exercise will make you worried that you will not be ready for the race. There is a goal there, a reason.
For someone with a MH issue, not being able to exercise would mean that their mindset will collapse. You get itchy and anxious and have negative thoughts. There is no real reason, just that your sense of self is not 'right'.

(sorry, English is not my first language, not sure how else to describe it!)

An addiction is an addiction even if it appears "healthy" and what concerns me here is the secretive nature of his behaviour and his mood it he can't exercise.

I love exercise - I road cycle, run, dance. I did a duathlon the other week and have a marathon next month. But I have 3 kids and there has to be give and take. Also, I don't exercise in secret. I have seen many people move beyond the point at which exercise is a form of self care. It becomes an addiction and often part of disordered eating too.

I think he needs help to be honest but if he won't seek it then I don't blame you for your position.

This is a really interesting thread as we have this problem in our relationship, however it's me who has the addiction.

DP complains that I put running ahead of him and I feel very resentful when he says that, because I think that it only takes some of the day, I go really early in the morning anyway and it's important to me.

We always fall out about it.

I don't think I am addicted, it's my hobby. I've gone running in the mornings since I was 15 and am now 40. But yes, I will admit to being compulsive and having an obsessive personality.

It's interesting to hear the other side.

But I bet he knows you'll be going first thing in the morning and when you'll be available to do other things? The intolerable thing about OP's DH is the total lack of routine, communication or interest in her, the children, or spending any time with them at all.

I would have no problem with this ‘if’ he also took full interest in family life and time for the kids and his wife and chores, , but it sounds like this ‘training’ is to the detriment of everything else and if you are getting in bad moods around your family because you aren’t ‘training’ then in my opinion he has a MH issue.

I have been a long time lurker! I finally decided to join so I could reply just to this post, because it is almost exactly what I am going through and I have never read about anyone else having the same issue. yes, there are sometimes moans about men cycling too much, but not the addictive and depressive sports man like our husbands.
you are not alone.
I have tried to talk to my husband numerous times in 8 years only to be brushed off, and things have got worse since having children, not better.

exercise is important, and although I am not competitive I have many competitive sports friends, and I understand they get a lot of joy from competing. but it is not healthy when without it for even a day you are absolutely miserable (my husband is currently injured and is constantly talking about how he is fat and what is the point in life if he can't compete. current sport endurance running). its like his children and myself mean nothing and he gets no joy from us.

it is also the selfish nature- he always assumes I will be with the kids and never actually plans with me when he will go out. at one point he got up earlier so I would have time to exercise too before work, but that stopped. I can't force him out of bed in the morning and if I got up he would not then get up with the children (who are under 4 so need help). he books races and never tells me, the assumption I will always be free. where as I want to do a half marathon when he is doing the endurance at the same venue, but as my mum is away I probably won't have child care.

like you said, it seems insane to talk about ending a relationship because of exercise. But it is not just exercise, it is in my opinion a way to mask depression and eating disorders. my husband won't get help. I think he is starting to realise I may be right about him having mental health issues. but he won't talk. if he can't exercise he plays non stop on computer games, not with his kids. it is so selfish and I feel worthless.