This morning I told my adult DD that I hated her guts...........

[HorribleDD]

It's true and I hate that I feel that way about her.

She's almost 23. Just finished Uni, which TBF she only did as a bit of a doss and as it was an easy option to get money. She finished with a 2:2 as she spent most of the time going out getting drunk, taking hard drugs and not bothering to turn up for lectures.

She lived at home (not my choice), hasn't paid rent, does nothing around the house to help, you can't have a conversation with her without her going off on one shouting and swearing.

She can't find a job now, although she is trying, but spends much of the day in bed then awake all night. She is probably depressed but won't do anything to help herself like take some exercise or sort out her sleeping. She can get up if she's going to meet friends etc.

She invited her cousin to stay this weekend without asking if it was OK and I asked her to get up and tidy round before she came as I had to take my youngest to a party yesterday. I had to pick the cousin up from the station (20 mins away) as well as DH at work. I got home and DD was still in bed at 1.30 pm. She was contacting the cousin and didn't bother to tell me that she was almost at our stop until she'd been waiting there for 10 minutes. I then had to drop everything and rush off to get her. They stayed in last watching TV as cba to go out. I had planned to repaint the house this weekend so really pissed off.

She has spent the morning in bed while cousin has been up, won't now go off for a coffee or something with her so I'm needing to entertain her which I could do without (we are not close to her family, I used to have her and her brothers in the school hols etc but it was never reciprocated and her mother's an arse).

She constantly swears and stamps about. Brings up stuff about my abusive childhood and telling me I deserved it etc. She's horrendous.

I can't kick her out as she has nowhere to go. DH is sick of her too. She'll even square up to him if he tries to talk to her about her behaviour. She's threatened to 'knock me out' numerous times! Her nickname from her tutors at college was 'Hulk Smash' which sums her up. She has been sacked before from a part time job for her behaviour.

I know she has big issues but she won't go to her GP or source any help. I'm thinking hormones and MH.

I have 3 younger DC, one with SN with his own behaviour issues, and I've had enough.

What can I do?

You can't kick her out? Yes, you can. You really can. Give her a months notice to sort something then put her stuff in the garden and change the locks. Stop being a doormat.

What do you do? Answer, fuck all.

The time to do something was when she was a child. She’s now an adult and a bearly functioning one at that. Toss her out of your home as yet another unfortunate soul to depend on a broken system.

You seem to have painted yourself into a corner. I’m not sure what you expect to happen as you’ve told yourself you can’t do anything.

You can do all the things you know you must now. Stop behaving in this helpless fashion. You and your DH need to formulate a plan along with your daughter for the future, but in your terms. Of course you need to consider her best interests, but only when she starts behaving like an adult. You’re enabling her. You need to stop right now. Calmly, but with resolve. I think it’s going to be difficult but you have to begin or this will go on and on.

When you have a baby you love them so much and want them to have a happy and lovely life. Its the worst feeling in the world if it doesn't turn out that way. My mum had my alcoholic sister to deal with for more than 20 years and sometimes tried the tough love route but would inevitably take her back, because you know, she LOVED her. You can all so easily say, throw her out and change the locks, and in reality that would be easy if it were just a lodger, but your daughter??

I feel for you HorribleDD and i have no answers, but just to say i've seen this before and it is soul destroying. Big hugs xx

In what sense is university "an easy option to get money"? When was this?

You genuinely sound dreadful
And so does she
The apple never falls far from the tree

You have to decide if you want to help your DD or not.
If you are done with her, and think she is a garbage human being then kick her out and she can go homeless to the council.
If you still love her, then start by apologizing for saying to her that you hate her guts and start helping her instead of ignoring her cries for attention.

You say she may be depressed. That she drank and did drugs all though uni. Lots of women I know were like your DD after being raped. The hiding in your room, the inability to find a job, the anger and rages, the alcohol/drugs. Are you sure your DD has not experienced any trauma? That she is angry, depressed and numbing herself with alcohol and drugs for absolutely no reason?

You don't like your daughter.
You don't like the cousin.
You don't like the cousin's mother.

That's a lot of negativity.
I also wonder about the daughter and what she has experienced so far in her life (if anything).

Oh dear. I have been in this situation, and sadly it was only some time later that I could see the part I played.
Your Dd went to a university and gained a 2.2. That is an achievement, and yet you have turned this positive into a negative.Do you make a habit of undermining her?
You are also quite rude about your niece, which is a shame, as it seems important to encourage your Dd to connect with people.
I think you need to communicate with her. Set clear boundaries, it’s not ok to stay in bed all morning when you have a guest. I would expect her to be out of bed every day by 7.30. I would expect her to help with painting the house, in lieu of rent.I would want her to be really trying to get a job

1. Tell her in no uncertain terms the gravy train is over
2. She has a month to sort a job and somewhere to live
3. If during that time she threatens you with violence again she can leave immediately

Sorry, sent too soon.she must not threaten people and using your childhood against you is just awful. Tell her that is not ok, and if it happens again she will have to leave. You can ask her to leave, and you should if she is abusive. You and Dh need to be united on this.
But if you can also try to get alongside her, ask her what she wants from life, help her audit her strengths and weaknesses, support her in seeing the GP if that is what she needs.
I know that this situation can cast a complete blight on everyone’s life, I hope it gets easier soon.

If I told my 13 year old to buck up or he's put you can most definitely do it to a 23 year old!!! She is taking you for a ride. Granted my DS would have gone to his dads so he had some where to go but my point was I am not putting up with his behaviour anymore. packing his stuff in black sacks was enough for him to realise I was serious.
"Man up princess" as hard as it may seem she will be a better adult for it in the future.

You sound cruel.

You tell her you hate her guts and write on a public forum with the username HorribleDD and you wonder why your daughter might have anger and motivation issues?

She went to university - amazing achievement and something most parents would be proud of.

She got a 2:2 - see above. I can’t fathom how you can say this as a negative.

She’s applying for jobs - good. Maybe help her?

She invites her cousin over - and?

She stays in - perhaps because she has no job and so no money?

You wanted to paint the house - who’s stopping you?

Her anger issues clearly need addressing but you’re only adding to them by being so resentful of her.

My own DM was similar to you except she did kick me out at 14 (for doing “hard drugs and being an alcoholic slag”, when in reality I had 3 jobs, a long term boyfriend and have never touched drugs). Going NC was the best thing I ever did. If you’re not careful your DD will likely do the same.

Not to defend her behaviour but I got a 2:2 and did just fine!

She sounds truly awful and you sound like at the end of your tether. Where did it all go so wrong? She is an adult so kick her out. Let her fend for herself if shes so big ang mighty. But telling her you hate her is wrong. Have a chat with her when its calmed down, tell her she needs to leave and give her a time frame to do so.

to get a 2/2 requires hard work - to get higher requires obsessive behaviour or downright brilliance - she did well -stop undermining her achievement - however many companies are short sighted & it can be difficult getting a foot in the door unless you have a 2/1 or above -and academic brilliance doesn't always equal success in the real world - do you think its possible she might be depressed?

Needs a GL appointment immediately

GP ☝🏻

She’s 23. Of course you can ask her to leave, it’s just that you are choosing not to

You sound as though you hate everyone around you. Your daughter, her cousin, the cousin's mother. You do nothing to alter situations you find unbearable then you blame them on others. Take charge of your life. Don't pick people up from the station and then resent it if you haven't invited them. They can make their way to meet your daughter under their own steam. Likewise 'entertaining; her. I bet she doesn't feel that entertained being resented and bickering with you. Just ignore them. leave them to their own devices. But for God's sake apologise to your daughter for saying you hate her guts. You can hate her behaviour but not her.

At this point in time, I wouldn't care if she did go NC. In fact it would be a relief!

There's been no trauma in her background and believe me if there had been, she'd have told me at least to use it as an excuse for her behaviour. She's told me a lot that I'd rather have not known.

She started using drugs as she got in with druggie friends despite being given every support to move away from them. Including us funding her working abroad. We had to fly her back within weeks due to her not being able to cope, spending all her money on booze and drugs so not eating then getting ill, and falling out with everybody.

We have supported her in every way possible. She failed all her GCSE's and needed a lot of intervention through college as they were going to kick her out. I had to plead with the principal! She admitted she wanted to go to Uni so she could avoid 'adulting'. She refused to move into digs and we knew we'd be constantly giving her money for living expenses if she did, if we didn't want her to quit, so she lived at home. She'd blow her Uni grant within weeks but we had to keep supporting her so she could get a decent qualification as it's our responsibility to make sure she is equipped to be independent of course!

She's told me she hopes I get cancer and die etc. Never any birthday or mothers/fathers day cards. Last Mothers Day, she stayed in bed all day. We're constantly having to 'rescue' her. At what point do you simply give up? Though if we did she'd just shout and swear. Neighbours hear her enough already.

What makes it worse is that we lost her sister at birth when she was 4. After experiencing that, and my childhood abuse, I always wanted to make my DC happy and to have a good life where they felt loved. DD uses that against me. She even told me it was my fault her sister died, I let her die etc.

Sometimes I feel like she is abusing me like my own mother did. I can't take it anymore but I can't kick her onto the streets. She wouldn't survive.

She only invited my niece here as she's fallen out with all her friends. No, I don't like her. She's DH's niece. He's from a different culture and none of his family accepted me. Niece has picked up a lot of negative stuff about me from her mother like English women don't keep the house clean etc, it's because I'm English DD drinks and smokes etc. I tried to foster a relationship with DD and her by having her to stay when they were younger but it was never reciprocated. She has never bothered to visit until now and I can't be bothered with dealing with her too.

It honestly sounds as if you both antagonise each other. But if this has gone on for years then you are way more to blame as she was a child, and probably learned from you.

As other posters have said, most of what she did this weekend was fairly harmless and it sounds like your attitude and reaction is way over the top.

You can 100% kick her out. If you want to feel less guilty, find a studio flat or house share for her and pay the first months rent. After that its up to her. She is a full grown woman. I had been living independantly for 5 years at that point and had kust bought a house!

A 2:2 isn't a dreadful result, you are mean. She got a degree. She needs support and reassurance, not constant negativity. Encourage her to get a GP appointment, maybe some mood elevators and counselling will help. She's your child (albeit an adult now) - please don't abandon her.

She could easily have got a 2.1 if she'd put the effort in and went to her lectures instead of staying out all night getting pissed. We talked endlessly about how she needed one as she failed all her GCSE's and that wouldn't have mattered so much if she had a 2.1. That was the basis on us continuing to support her for the last 3 years! I told her after her second year to quit and get a job but she promised she'd sort herself out. She only just scraped through college with what she needed for Uni because she was constantly smoking pot!

She's been encouraged many times to go to her GP. I've given her timescales to move out. She won't!