This morning I told my adult DD that I hated her guts...........

[HorribleDD]

It's true and I hate that I feel that way about her.

She's almost 23. Just finished Uni, which TBF she only did as a bit of a doss and as it was an easy option to get money. She finished with a 2:2 as she spent most of the time going out getting drunk, taking hard drugs and not bothering to turn up for lectures.

She lived at home (not my choice), hasn't paid rent, does nothing around the house to help, you can't have a conversation with her without her going off on one shouting and swearing.

She can't find a job now, although she is trying, but spends much of the day in bed then awake all night. She is probably depressed but won't do anything to help herself like take some exercise or sort out her sleeping. She can get up if she's going to meet friends etc.

She invited her cousin to stay this weekend without asking if it was OK and I asked her to get up and tidy round before she came as I had to take my youngest to a party yesterday. I had to pick the cousin up from the station (20 mins away) as well as DH at work. I got home and DD was still in bed at 1.30 pm. She was contacting the cousin and didn't bother to tell me that she was almost at our stop until she'd been waiting there for 10 minutes. I then had to drop everything and rush off to get her. They stayed in last watching TV as cba to go out. I had planned to repaint the house this weekend so really pissed off.

She has spent the morning in bed while cousin has been up, won't now go off for a coffee or something with her so I'm needing to entertain her which I could do without (we are not close to her family, I used to have her and her brothers in the school hols etc but it was never reciprocated and her mother's an arse).

She constantly swears and stamps about. Brings up stuff about my abusive childhood and telling me I deserved it etc. She's horrendous.

I can't kick her out as she has nowhere to go. DH is sick of her too. She'll even square up to him if he tries to talk to her about her behaviour. She's threatened to 'knock me out' numerous times! Her nickname from her tutors at college was 'Hulk Smash' which sums her up. She has been sacked before from a part time job for her behaviour.

I know she has big issues but she won't go to her GP or source any help. I'm thinking hormones and MH.

I have 3 younger DC, one with SN with his own behaviour issues, and I've had enough.

What can I do?

A 2:2 is actually a pretty good grade so I think you're being unfair sneering at it though I get that is the least of your issues.

You sound like you have no emotional insight
Why do you think she ended up the way she has.
Why are you enabling her if you hate her so much

And I agree with another poster, you sound like you’re angry at everyone and everything.
You’ve had some shit cards dealt to you, but you don’t really seem to want to do anything insightful to deal with any of it.

There’s so much anger and blame emanating from you.

People aren’t generally born fucked up arseholes. They are enabled into being fucked up arseholes

And I would say that to anyone. My brother is a cunt to my mother, and her will quite happily say, the reason he is, is at least 75% her fault.

I understand you don't feel you can force/ask her to leave as she's your daughter. But it sounds like you both need space from each other. Not in a NC way but just not living under the same roof.

Is there any way of facilitating that?

I had a terrible relationship with my parents growing up. If was only after I moved out, did some real growing up, had lots and lots of space from them, including NC, low contact for some time that our relationship improved

To be honest I don’t even think it matters what grade of degree she got, on a CV no one even puts what they got anymore so who cares. It’s done now, she has a degree. That’s all anyone needs to know!

I think you’re at the end of your tether and rightly so in many ways but the only way she’s going to learn is some tough love. Give her notice to move out. In the meantime say you’ll help her with job applications but tell her she can’t sleep in all day, she has to get up at reasonable time and either use the time to apply for jobs or do stuff round the house or both (just been through all this with my own dd).

You shouldn’t have gone and picked the cousin up. Not your problem, just switch off and disengage. You’re busy, you didn’t invite her. She can either sort it out herself with your dd or go home again.

Get tough.

Sometimes I feel like she is abusing me like my own mother did.

This struck home with me OP. My DD2 was also very difficult (she is now in her 30s) although never involved with drugs. Had a breakdown at uni but also managed a respectable 2:2 at same age as your DD.

I let her stay on living at home until she got a job (ina bookshop, followed by teaching assistant) lthough there is no DH or siblings to worry about. It took a very long time before her behaviour improved and only after she had CBT which helped her define her issues and howt o control her anger. For a mong time we did seem to hate each other and having had a mother who knew how to press my buttons I began to feel DD was doing the same. But she's not your mother, be assured of that.

Sorry I can't offer more advice - it's very difficult particularly when pp think it's ok to chuck adult kids out when in fact there is something that i troubling her badly. Reall suggest she gets some therapy OP. Good luck.

We talked endlessly about how she needed one as she failed all her GCSE's and that wouldn't have mattered so much if she had a 2.1.

Why did you talk endlessly about her screwing up her GCSEs once she was at uni? Why drag that up. Are you aware you haven't said a single thing that could be construed as positive about her. You think she constantly needs rescuing, that she is worthless and can't survive without you. If you send a child these messages, they'll live up to your expectations.

I really do feel for you that you had to put up with the druggy years. That must have been awful for you and in your shoes I know my sympathy would have run dry too. But honestly, you are locked in an absolutely poisonous relationship right now. Back off for a few days. Don't criticise her, don't harangue her, don't judge how she lives. Practise accepting her for who she is right now, warts and all, just to give you both some breathing space.

Very gradually start making tiny casual comments that are positive about her. Just see if that has any effect. You may have to stick at it for months to undo all the hatred and judgement and 'you're useless unless we rescue you' messages you've sent her in the past. I think it would be well worth doing. Do you?

OP it sounds very very hard for you but you don't sound like an emotionally stable and strong figure for your DD. That might be because you are worn down. But please wake up and see that your DD needs help. The fact you have been so nasty about her grades and her not being able to get a job...i am highly educated and my early twenties were spent struggling to find work on minimum wage jobs that didn't last. You may want to blame her entirely for her behaviour but be honest...just because a child becomes an adult by way of definition of their age doesn't mean you can suddenly neglect her needs. or at least you shouldn't want to.

i am not saying your DD is easy or that she is right in the things she has said to you. but you are the adult, she needs help, stop trying to blame her and work with her, as difficult as that may be.

You can tell a persons personality by what they are self medicating with.

Pot = depression

*you are the adult parent

All you are doing is supporting her drink and drug habit.

You didn’t and don’t have to keep recusing her - ever

If she has no money - tough - more likely she’ll have to find and keep a job

You are still enabling her to act like this

This sounds very sad. For both of you. Have you had counselling to address childhood abuse issues and losing your baby? Sounds like your daughter could do with some counselling too. Probably should have started as a child. Did she have any?

How are your other children?

I would make another attempt in helping your daughter. It appears she has lots of mental health issues.

@HorribleDD - The problem is that you are an unreliable witness to your own parenting abilities. It's just the way it goes.

Children don't go 'bad' for no reason, and I do agree with a PP who suggests you lack emotional insight.

I know it's a really tough thing to hear, but I think the best way to help your daughter is to start looking at yourself more fully and with some humility. If you're not in therapy, it would be a great place to start.

But if you continue to suggest it's all about her and nothing to do with you, then it's clear where the problem started, and where it persists.

Totally agree with @AFistfulofdolores1 you seem to think your daughter was just "born bad" OP?

Has she always been this way OP? Or did this behaviour start with the drugs?

She sounds like an addict, with all the desperate behaviours that entails. It might be that you need to cut off her lines of support before she will see that she needs help. But I appreciate that that is a frightening and high risk strategy.

You and she both sound so desperately unhappy - I'm so sorry for you both. Addiction is an illness, and a devastating one at that.

There's been no trauma in her background and believe me if there had been, she'd have told me at least to use it as an excuse for her behaviour

She lived through the death of her sibling at the age of four. Four!!
Through her parents'grief at that death...
She comes from a bicultural family where her mother was not accepted...

And she has a mother who says this about her:

She's told me a lot that I'd rather have not known

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? Listen to yourself.

You think she didnt come by her ways honestly? Your posts scream out your incompetence as a parent. Get help.

Have you ever sought psychological intervention? She clearly isn’t well.

If she doesn’t work, where exactly is she getting the money from for all this hard drinking and drug taking?

You sound like a terrible mother. She must have had a horrible childhood to end up struggling so much as an adult. You conveniently left out any details of how she raised/life before uni so we don't know if you had any hand in this.

Now why did I think I'd get anywhere posting this on MN. Desperation I guess! Lack of emotional insight? How funny!

I've had years of therapy to unpick my childhood and the unfounded guilt I felt about my loss due to my abuse thanks. I'm only guilty of not wanting to see my DD unhappy which is normal for a parent I think. She was an only child until she was 5 due to losing her sister, lots of attention. She was very excited at the prospect of having one. I had twin boys a year later which is where it all went wrong for her. Hitting puberty, she went massively downhill. She had counselling at school and college which she refused to go to. Won't go now even after I've offered to pay for a private one last year.

She was told not to go to Uni unless she was going to put the work in. She chose not to and got that grade which she's already been told ruled her out of a graduate scheme she wanted to get on. I'm annoyed FOR her and at her.

She desperately needs to see an endocrinologist as I think she has a hormonal issue (one runs in DH's family which could explain her rage), she cba to sort it. I've even rang the GP pretending to be her (with her agreement)as she's too important to have to wait in the phone queue to get through. She missed the appointment.

She got into pot at 17 as her best friend at the time had a father who sold it so the friend would nick it from him and they would smoke it together. I didn't know until a while later when she told me. She was displaying anxiety and paranoia by that point.

I know it must be that I'm to blame here but I'm only to blame for caring too much perhaps.

She used to vow she'd move out on her 18th. Still here.

Yeah, I'll tell her to get up at a decent time and help round for the house for the 1000th time. She'll tell me to fuck off!

How can you assert she sounds like a terrible mother whilst also saying you don't know details of her earlier life and asserting she must have had a terrible childhood? Some people are very hard work &/ shits - some people have the misfortune to be related to. There are also people suffering from mh difficulties who are extremely hard to live with.

*related to them. Op I get some if it and it sounds like you've taken a number of steps to try to help her.

Ha ha calm down rvby. DD did not suffer through our grief. She was at the forefront of everything. Even us sitting outside the house in the car to compose ourselves for half an hour when we came back from hospital after saying goodbye to DD2 so not to upset her by breaking down. Refusing sedatives so I could care for her. We dealt with it healthily by talking openly whenever she wanted to but I made sure she never saw me break down so as not to scare her. Maybe a mistake as she thinks she can throw anything at me now and I won't flinch hence the things she's said about that.

Her other culture is white European BTW.

I'm sorry you had an awful childhood OP but you seem absolutely blind to hers. Her sister died when she was young, you must have been paralysed with grief, then she was eclipsed by two babies at once who must surely have taken up all your energy and attention in the early stages. In saying 'I'm only to blame for caring too much perhaps' you are completely denying your own part in this toxic dynamic between you. You told her you hated her guts. That's not going to register with her as you only caring about her too much. That's going to register as you not caring at all.

I didn't get the grade I wanted at uni. Didn't stop me taking the next step in a professional career and doing pretty well out of it. Her results don't mean it's the end of everything.

DD did not suffer through our grief. She was at the forefront of everything. Even us sitting outside the house in the car to compose ourselves for half an hour when we came back from hospital after saying goodbye to DD2 so not to upset her by breaking down. Refusing sedatives so I could care for her. We dealt with it healthily by talking openly whenever she wanted to but I made sure she never saw me break down so as not to scare her.

I'm afraid that I can see the genesis of profound problems right here, @HorribleDD.

As I wrote earlier, it is typical that when we are responsible, we are also the least likely to see how we have played a part in things. None of this is your fault, but I do feel you are still not being honest with yourself.