This morning I told my adult DD that I hated her guts...........

[HorribleDD]

It's true and I hate that I feel that way about her.

She's almost 23. Just finished Uni, which TBF she only did as a bit of a doss and as it was an easy option to get money. She finished with a 2:2 as she spent most of the time going out getting drunk, taking hard drugs and not bothering to turn up for lectures.

She lived at home (not my choice), hasn't paid rent, does nothing around the house to help, you can't have a conversation with her without her going off on one shouting and swearing.

She can't find a job now, although she is trying, but spends much of the day in bed then awake all night. She is probably depressed but won't do anything to help herself like take some exercise or sort out her sleeping. She can get up if she's going to meet friends etc.

She invited her cousin to stay this weekend without asking if it was OK and I asked her to get up and tidy round before she came as I had to take my youngest to a party yesterday. I had to pick the cousin up from the station (20 mins away) as well as DH at work. I got home and DD was still in bed at 1.30 pm. She was contacting the cousin and didn't bother to tell me that she was almost at our stop until she'd been waiting there for 10 minutes. I then had to drop everything and rush off to get her. They stayed in last watching TV as cba to go out. I had planned to repaint the house this weekend so really pissed off.

She has spent the morning in bed while cousin has been up, won't now go off for a coffee or something with her so I'm needing to entertain her which I could do without (we are not close to her family, I used to have her and her brothers in the school hols etc but it was never reciprocated and her mother's an arse).

She constantly swears and stamps about. Brings up stuff about my abusive childhood and telling me I deserved it etc. She's horrendous.

I can't kick her out as she has nowhere to go. DH is sick of her too. She'll even square up to him if he tries to talk to her about her behaviour. She's threatened to 'knock me out' numerous times! Her nickname from her tutors at college was 'Hulk Smash' which sums her up. She has been sacked before from a part time job for her behaviour.

I know she has big issues but she won't go to her GP or source any help. I'm thinking hormones and MH.

I have 3 younger DC, one with SN with his own behaviour issues, and I've had enough.

What can I do?

Also you wouldn't be writing this post if you felt proud about hating your daughter. Clearly you are looking for help. I do think you need to break the cycle together through counselling.

Your lack of empathy and lack of self-awareness is shocking, OP. As another poster said: although you have done the physical and material things, it seems you can't connect emotionally.

Your daughter underwent significant childhood trauma which you don't appear to have acknowledged at all.

I'm afraid the problem is very much with you. Please deal with it and try to help your daughter before it is too late! She needs you to love her.

Would you sit her down and admit that it was a mistake to tell her you hated her guts? And that this isn’t really tru?

There's so much negativity here. Obviously op is asking for a solution (or at least tips) to give her daughter the best and to turn this situation around. And tbh we only have a snap shot of her relationship with her daughter.

Please have no guilt you lost a baby when dd was four. There was no right or wrong way to act. You were grieving and doing your best at the time. The fact people are telling you how you should have behaved at such a time is disgusting. And the same people saying that was the cause of the problems, would also have complained if you had been an emotional wreck in front of dd.

You and your daughter clearly need help (which you are trying to achieve with doc appoints and uni and even posting here).

The only thing I could suggest is if someone she gets on with/ trust suggests going to the doctor/ counselling. Or maybe (if you're able to afford) getting her a rented bed sit or room somewhere so that you'd both have your space. My last suggestion (and remember everyone posting things on here are giving suggestions so take them or leave them at your will) would be to ride over it. Know that she's hard work and just carry on as if she wasn't there, when she gets angry just walk out of the room, if she doesn't clean her room let her live in a dump, if she leaves mess in the rest of the house just pick it up and dump it in her room no matter how gross (sort of like thinking of your happy place and instead of raising to her just saying to yourself I don't want to have an argument I'm going to go and have a cup of tea). Of course that's easier said than done but I've done it with a couple of toxic people in my life. Like the stress they cause me is not worth it and I can't change them so I just don't deal with the situation.

Op your mental health is also important. You're not a bad mum, you (like every mum out there) are doing your best and sometimes things don't go as planned along the way. You haven't kicked her out or disowned her or the million other bad things that you could have done. And even now as an adult your still trying to help her. Remember you are a good mum

The fact people are telling you how you should have behaved at such a time is disgusting.

No what people are telling her is what a child like her dd at her age needed to be able to cope with the trauma..

It’s in no way the OP who is to blame.. but there’s a difference between blame and taking responsibility..

Taking responsibility for the fact that her dd didn’t have her emotional needs met at that time, because of circumstances, doesn’t in no way make the Op sound cruel or a failure as a mother..

Because motherhood isn’t always about making perfect decisions... but what it is, it’s abour reflecting.. connecting with your child and seeing that if you happen to not meet their need that you try compensate.

The OP is being told by many of us that she is actually in the emotionally stronger position here. Her daughter is 23 but she is a broken person, broken child.. and OP IS able to connect to her and figure out what emotional need of hers is missing..

That’s if OP wants to salvage her daughter. We all assumed that she cared enough which is why we are putting the ball in her courts..

What we are critiquing though is OP having lost interest in empathizing with her daughter... being super defensive about being told where she can step in.. badly wanting to point the blame at her daughter to relieve herself from any responsibility.. painting her daughter as less than a human, more of a failed project, in order to help herself process her negativity to the situation.

What’s wrong is OP thinking that to be a good mother is to be perfect, or to be as far as possible from her mother. There is something so rigid and infiltrable about OPs expectation of her own parenting and her idea of what’s a good mother...

Good mothers make mistakes.. good mothers aren’t overcome with emotions.. good mothers have unforseeabke circumstances...

But good mothers should be able to reflect on the fact that their child has an unmet need.. and that they weren’t able to meet that need due to so and so and that they’re able to acknowledge that...

Acknwoeldging doesn’t mean blaming yourself..

Sometimes all the situation needs is a bit of validation...

Good daughters make mistakes too..

Relationships are not always hundred percent righteous... relationships have moments and that’s why thankfully we can communicate, compensate, forgive, love...

The daughter does not need a mother who never makes mistakes.. but she needs a mother that tells her it’s ok to be heard about her difficult emotions... even if they don’t make sense to the op. Even if they don’t mirror the ops feelings. Even if they sound insignificant..

The daughter needs to know that even if she felt her mum couldn’t be there for her so and so, but her mum is and has been there for her on many other times.. and that she is sad she couldn’t be there for her at that moment in time.

It’s just an example...

All it is, is for the daughter to know her feelings are important to the mum... it’s irrelevant whether they’re logical or not...

I do think OP is struggling with that concept. We haven’t seen but a snapshot from her relationship with her daughter.. but we have seen how she is processing the tension in this complicated relationship dynamic.. and how she is processing being told that there is a room for her to pick up slack left in the past..

No one is saying it all ends with empathy.

Proper boundaries are important., boundaries can come with empathy though.. boundaries should come from
A place of love..

What I think is revolting is pp seeing the OP being in a state where she is ready to tell her daughter she hates her guts and then egging her on to kick her daughter out.,

Well, you are permanently damaging the relationship.

Boundaries should come from a place of love and kindness.. and empathy., if the relationship is to continue.

And seeing how I think the mother is in a powerful position here, clue is in her daughters accusations as well as the way OP is super defensive to being told she has a role to play , then surely, we can address that.. while we are addressing boundary issues.

So plz have empathy OP..

And then communicate with your daughter firmly, that you love her unconditionally and willing to support her and that you are sorry for saying you hated her and that you were clouded with anger.. remind her how you are willing to do so much for her and be there for her in a heartbeat..

But then also let her know that it is unacceptable for her to behave the way she is around u, her brother, and the house. And that it is in the best interest of the relationship that you clarify some boundaries and some consequences so things don’t escalate.. and follow through...

But the key is... you need to first connect with her..

A boundary coming out of resentment and anger, is not a boundary. It’s a power struggle and a bit manipulative and controlling..

A boundary coming from a place of mutual understanding, is respectable.

MrsNotNice

Again, an excellent post. I just hope the OP is able to read it with an open mind and reflect on what you have said.

Everything @MrsNotNice said.

Be gentle with yourself, OP. What a difficult situation, with a very complicated past. And be gentle with your DD too. You are both hurting horribly - that much is clear. Can you try to put the past aside, look at your DD as she is now, with fresh eyes, as a suffering person, take a deep breath and go from there....?

IMO this can go a couple of ways.

The kick her arse out the door and the OPs rising anger approach will result in her already traumatised, addicted, mentally (possibly physically) unwell daughter going into a much deeper riskier negative space where irreversible lifelong damage to her and certainly to any future relationship with OP is likely. This would be like ejecting a hurt, wounded, raw person into a place where those wounds are not tended to but made deeper. This just makes the problems worse.

Or a considered compassionate approach acknowledging and addressing all of her issues slowly, at her pace, on her terms in a professional supportive environment together.

This could put the DD’s life back on track and build a wonderful mother / daughter relationship for the future.

I think the OP has been dealt a v v tough hand in life and her approach to survive was by ploughing though, fixing, grit, resilience.

The OP has had her heart in the right place from day one and has worked tirelessly to move her DD through life and she would not be where she is now (a graduate with an honours degree) without the sheer effort and determination shown by the OP.

BUT - the DD has further emotional needs that the OP through no fault of her own is not currently equipped to provide.

It is a really tragic story of two very hurt people. The DD has little insight as she is still emotionally stunted in deficit.

The OP who clearly has the drive and energy could become more emotionally literate generally about what happens to children when they experience what both she and her daughter have.

There is no blame here - but there is only one person who is capable of changing the dynamic.

We have experienced something v similar in my wider family and have seen a remarkable turnaround (in only a few months) once the relationship was approached with open ended compassion, kindness and respect by the DM to her DD supported both with family therapy and one to one.

I really hope that you get there OP. You deserve that joy with your daughter.

Good post Inisho , I agree

It is good to hear OP that you have managed to get her along to the GP to investigate the endocrine issue. That is a big achievement from your end, so well done. You obviously have never given up and I hope this is a breakthrough for you both.

I think that her still being at home means she wants to be with you all.

PP who keep saying - she’s 23 ffs - emotionally, our understanding of trauma, would put her at 4 years old. Aim to soothe her or at least de-escalate tension at all time. She cannot be a fully functioning adult before her emotional self has developed out of her trauma.

I really hope this turns around for you all - you all deserve it.

I think both HorribleDD and her Dd sound like they are in terrible pain.

One is aggravating the other.

As an observation I do think HorribleDD that when your Dd needed you to sit down with her and help her figure her life out you have instead thrown money at the situation.

Failing all her GCSEs suggests that she needed to think about where she was going in life.

Stating that she wanted to go to uni to avoid being an adult I think was your queue to help her grow up.

You do come across as though nothing is good enough and in some ways does your dd not bother doing anything because she hasn’t any confidence that if she did do something you wouldnt just pick holes in it.

I think you both need a heart to heart and help her sort out where she goes from here.

I think first she needs to sort out her drink and drug issues.

Whether you think so or not I think losing her sibling at 4 years old has had a massive effect on her. Maybe counselling would do you both some good

How are you doing today HorribleDD?

 @HorribleDD
My DD is a young teen and can be a little shit sometimes and I've told her that. Although I tel her she is behaving like a little shit to try to let her know it's not her, just her behaviour.
Can you try to shift your thinking a little so that you take that approach?
"I love you very much but you doing this is xyz"
I don't know though.. but no answers really from me but I do feel your pain.

I feel sorry for your daughter. Take time out with her, show her some love and affection and get her some help