This morning I told my adult DD that I hated her guts...........

[HorribleDD]

It's true and I hate that I feel that way about her.

She's almost 23. Just finished Uni, which TBF she only did as a bit of a doss and as it was an easy option to get money. She finished with a 2:2 as she spent most of the time going out getting drunk, taking hard drugs and not bothering to turn up for lectures.

She lived at home (not my choice), hasn't paid rent, does nothing around the house to help, you can't have a conversation with her without her going off on one shouting and swearing.

She can't find a job now, although she is trying, but spends much of the day in bed then awake all night. She is probably depressed but won't do anything to help herself like take some exercise or sort out her sleeping. She can get up if she's going to meet friends etc.

She invited her cousin to stay this weekend without asking if it was OK and I asked her to get up and tidy round before she came as I had to take my youngest to a party yesterday. I had to pick the cousin up from the station (20 mins away) as well as DH at work. I got home and DD was still in bed at 1.30 pm. She was contacting the cousin and didn't bother to tell me that she was almost at our stop until she'd been waiting there for 10 minutes. I then had to drop everything and rush off to get her. They stayed in last watching TV as cba to go out. I had planned to repaint the house this weekend so really pissed off.

She has spent the morning in bed while cousin has been up, won't now go off for a coffee or something with her so I'm needing to entertain her which I could do without (we are not close to her family, I used to have her and her brothers in the school hols etc but it was never reciprocated and her mother's an arse).

She constantly swears and stamps about. Brings up stuff about my abusive childhood and telling me I deserved it etc. She's horrendous.

I can't kick her out as she has nowhere to go. DH is sick of her too. She'll even square up to him if he tries to talk to her about her behaviour. She's threatened to 'knock me out' numerous times! Her nickname from her tutors at college was 'Hulk Smash' which sums her up. She has been sacked before from a part time job for her behaviour.

I know she has big issues but she won't go to her GP or source any help. I'm thinking hormones and MH.

I have 3 younger DC, one with SN with his own behaviour issues, and I've had enough.

What can I do?

So is yours Millie if you want to harangue someone who was recently bereaved of a child for stepping out of the room for a few moments to compose herself so her child didn't become even more upset at seeing her mother upset. Her Dad was right there with her. She wasn't aware of what was going on, we were.

Some absolutely ignorant and despicable people on here.

I'm going to ask this thread to be removed. You've had your fun at my expense.

@HorribleDD - I hope you and your daughter find the peace you're looking for, and that light is shed on what's been happening.

It’s obvious that you’ve had a hard time with your DD and at 23 you could insist she leaves home. I wouldn’t blame you.

However there’s a lot of things you’ve said I take issue with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 2.2. Do you think students with this classification are just handed their degree ? Why did you tell her she needed higher and why are you being so sneering of her achievement. Is it because you told her not to go to uni and you don’t want to admit your wrong. Do you have higher than a 2.2? Do you not know anyone who’s had success without anything higher?

It sounds like you have not really recovered from the pain of losing one of your children, and part of you has closed yourself off protectively from feeling the huge and sometimes overwhelming feelings of love, out of fear.

Something about the way your articulate your feelings and the events reminds me of someone I know who has had a similar deeply painful situation.

I'm very sorry that you and your daughter are struggling so much, OP. And I would agree that some of the posts on here have been unreasonably harsh towards you. You've had some really difficult situations in your life to overcome, and it sounds like you've worked hard to try to overcome them. But I don't think you sound very happy in general. It sounds as if you may have overcompensated a bit with your daughter by hiding your emotions, and you really don't have an emotional connection to her. I know this is really difficult to hear, and please don't take this as blaming you for her behavior. She is an adult and at some point, we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and stop blaming our parents. Maybe the answer here is to focus on yourself, and get some therapy so you can you can get some healthier boundaries and maybe gain some insight on why you are so angry with her. As far as your daughter goes, I agree that you and your husband need to sit down with her and make it a condition that she go to the GP and start getting counseling herself. Best of luck to both of you. It sounds like a terribly unhappy situation for all of you. You can't force your daughter to change, but you can learn how to deal with your anger towards her. I think if you change your approach with it, you might find your relationship improving.

OP - some people on here are v mean. Maybe if she has a phone, you could say that you will give her phone credit if she gets up in the morning and tidies her room. I think the 1st job is the hardest to get, so hope she will get it. I have a relative that was v angry etc when younger. Still irresponsible at 30 but in a job and anger is improved. Good luck

Op.. I think your daughter is very hurt by the lack of. Emotional connection.

WhTs your relationship like with the boys ? Are you much more able to empathize and emotionally connect ?

I think your DD feels rejected. To be honest it sounds like this emotional issue has resulted from childhood.

She does need therapy so she can recover.. but I think you need to take some responsibility for your behaviour and stop being self righteous and acknowledge your daughters feelings

It is fine for parents at times to say things out of anger .. “I hate your guts”...

But what’s remarkable is that you don’t sound regretful. And you just don’t seem to have any feelings towards her..

Do you love her deep down OP? When was the last time you felt so much love for her??

I think you hVe parented your daughter with the perception that as long as you do better than your own parents then you deserve all the love from her..

Your daughter sounds like your project and not your daughter.

I’m sure you didn’t do the same with your boys but just kept it natural.

Look up trans generational trauma. It’s not your fault but you really need to realise there are things you can change.

True love is trying to let her be who she is, nurture her, seeing her when you look at her and not projecting your issues.. letting her feel safe being who she is as a child.. not burdening her with expectations.

Your relationship with her sounds like it’s all about you... maybe from the start all you wanted was to feel like you are better than your parents.. and whatever she did you took it as testimony of your parenting or lack of..

You don’t sound like you had a relationship where she could just be a child without feeling burdened that you take her behaviour so personally and project your issues unto her.

You two don’t sound like you have a good relationship.

I’m telling you this because if you do love her you would need to know that something can be done .

But you sound like you are looking at her as a failed project to be discarded and not as a daughter. She probably feels it.

Her trauma from her sisters birth is probably because she is feeling like you wouldn’t care if she died too.. because of the rejection she feels..

You don’t have that connection with her where she would come to you warmly tell you how she feels and you would let her know that it’s fine she feels this way and that you are there for her..

Your connection is all about expectations and what YOU want.

It’s sad on her to be honest.

I’m sure you did a better job than your parents so well done. But I don’t think you met her psychological needs adequately so plz don’t make things worse by saying crap like “I hate your guts” because that’s too childish and unfair on her..

It seems like your standard of parenting is quite low becsuse it’s based around giving her a childhood better than yours... and anything that’s not equally bad is not worth contemplating over..

Your standard of parenting should be about connecting with her as a human and meeting those needs..

It must’ve been very hard coming from a dysfunctional childhood. You did a good job trying to break the cycle. But it doesn’t mean you met all her needs. You elevated the standards maybe from rock bottom to something higher, but still she is damaged by what she is missing out on.

Plz take space from each other but be kind about it. Then reach out to her from an adult to an adult.

Plz don’t damage her further.

MrsNotNice

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head there.

No MrsNotNice hasn't hit any nail on the head. She's just living up to her username and probably projecting HER own mother issues onto me. Another ignorant wannabe armchair psychologist who has no idea of what they are talking.

Zzzzzzzzzz.

OP you have consistently shown that you negate and minimise her feelings. You never question your own. You are dismissive when posters point this out. You seem utterly blind to your own role in this. Your username is HorribleDD. You show no concern for her, no reflection on or empathy for any traumas she has lived through, just aggressive justifications that yours were bigger. That sort of parenting revolts me. It's narcissistic and emotionally neglectful, and if you come onto a forum asking what;s wrong with your awful daughter but displaying this sort of attitude to her, some people will react to your evident blind spots.

Oh OP, I was so ready to have sympathy for you after reading your first post, but then I read the rest of the thread - your replies are pretty revealing of your nature, that's for sure.

What uni grant and easy money did she get, OP? I'm wondering if it could help someone I know.

OP I grew up with a mother who was depressed and a father who would explode and get angry with no warning. I felt completely unloved and unhappy my whole childhood, not helped by their hypercritical nature. We would spend journeys back from relatives listening to them criticise said relatives and of course as soon as I learned to answer back, that criticism was unleashed on me. I would listen as she spent hours on the phone belittling me to my aunt. When I was raped I was called a whore for going out drinking. I felt alone and bullied my whole childhood. They would rewrite the narrative of how I felt because my opinions didn't matter. I remember after a suicide attempt she told people it was because people around me had died. No it was because I had been raped, pissed on, abused, bullied by everyone and had no support at all emotionally. Even "happy" times were spent feeling scared of whether I would get shouted at or hit, or worse publicly humiliated and criticised. But she did love me, she just didn't have the skills to give me what I needed. I am sure she would have written the same post about me when I was 16. I have children now, and when my teenager started kicking off at me, instead of screaming back I listened to the pain and frustration and anger and understood that he was asking for help. I gave him all of my time and attention and love and sure enough, he calmed down. He needed emotional support, material support and lots of positive attention, interest and motivation. Kids do not always know it all, sometimes they need you to be strong and to tell them they are the most important person in their life. Sometimes they need you to be excited for their successes and commiserate with their failures. Sometimes they need it to be all about them and not you. I think it's really telling that she is falling out with everyone. It tells me that she is not equipped with the social skills to life successfully, that she is burying her pain in drink and drugs. Was she ever taught to be playful and sociable? Did she have positive relationships modelled to her? I love my mother and I understand that she was dealing with alot at the time as I am sure you have dealt with alot. But you have the choice to change the narrative from being filled with hate to being filled with love. Think about what you want to achieve. If it's to go low contact then you know how. If you want her to move out then again, you've been given some good advice. But if you want, long term, a relationship with your child you will have to rebuild a relationship based on love and respect. You will have to stop insulting her or she won't ever respect you or want to be around you. You can tell her you love her but you aren't pleased with her choices. However, she is an adult and it is her life. Good luck!

jobbinggogger what a beautiful post, sound advice and heartfelt, you sound like a wonderful mum and I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. You are absolutely right, our DCs need to feel loved, valued heard and safe

If you are unwilling todraw a line in the sand and ask her to leave and still want to help then you need to be kind to her.
Praise the positives when there are them, however small and give minimal interaction when she is being difficult. That includes when she demands things. No confrontation, unless it gets dangerous then obviously call the police. But her doing nothing doesn't harm anyone but her own mental state and you can't control that.
Offer to try the drs again and go with her or at least take her so she doesn't forget and miss the appointment.
No one wants to be having the life she has at the moment but her anger is getting in the way of her making positive changes. She believes (rightly ot wrongly) no one understands or wants to help her.
It's hard because you're frustrated but you have to choose which tactic; tough love and she is out or supportive and she stays. They can't mix, it's too confusing to be told you'll never be 'let down' but also be told you're hated.

No judgements on her childhood because I wasn't there but my parents lost a baby, 6 months old, before I was born. Only now as an adult can I see how devastating that must have been and how that may be why my mum has difficulty with emotions and expressing herself as she bottled up that grief to care for me. Without that understanding I think at times I didn't cut my mum enough slack, but also I was an angry teenager. There are no good guys or bad guys but if you want things to change you have to accept you might be doing something wrong and change tact.

OP
If I was you I’d give her a deadline to get help or leave.
Definitely crazy people on here, the DD is 23, an adult. Stop putting the blame of her nasty behaviour on OP or looking for excuses; some people are just horrible and selfish. A 23 yr old goading her much younger sibling with SEN, threatening her parents with violence; I think the hand wringers need to remove the rose tinted specs, get this thug out your house ASAP.

Plenty of people have traumatic things happen in childhood but they still manage to go on to be functioning, respectful and hard working adults. It's not a get out jail free card to act however you want with no repercussions.

I would question how 'traumatised' she was by the untimely death of her sibling, given that the OP seems to have dealt with it in a very considerate manner.

Also for those saying her world must have been turned upside down because she then had twin brothers, oh please!

So many excuses being made for this young lady. It sounds like she's had an awful lot more support than a lot of people do. She needs to help herself rather than expecting everything to be handed to her on a plate.

I'm not surprised you've had enough OP. She sounds like a lazy, entitled freeloader.

Pantso thank you I should say my mother was also kind and loving and great! :D

I think there are good points here

1. She is an adult and needs to stop being lazy
2. She probably has depression which needs treating.If she's in bed all day because she is too depressed to go out then the posters roasting the daughter should consider that.
3. The atmosphere seems very toxic. A good way of dealing with this is to look at the problem, rather than scream abuse at the person. Once you take the anger and blame out of the situation you can start to discuss things in a rational way and find a positive solution. It might be that she gets a job anyway which will solve the problem!

Plenty of people have traumatic things happen in childhood but they still manage to go on to be functioning, respectful and hard working adults.

This is true but the research (although don't ask me to quote any because I don't have any at hand, I've just read a lot of it!) consistantly shows that the biggest predictor in how successfully someone achieves this is largely dependent on the support and positive regard they receive from those closest to them.

Ahh Jobbing. So how long did it take your teenager to calm down after you gave all your time, love and support then just out of interest? 18,19, 23?

Its not like I gave up my full time job when she started secondary school as she was getting into shoplifting with her mates after school, and I wanted to be there for her so she wasn't a latch key kid. Its not like I haven't had to get up in the middle of the night to get her after a call saying she's been in a fight, or is stranded somewhere. It's not like I encouraged her to go to Uni so she had the best chance of getting a decent job, then counselled her about delaying finishing her degree as she obviously wasn't in the right frame of mind to do her best. It's not like I dragged her to the GP this morning after being on hold for an hour to get an appointment while she laid her arse in bed as she cba to wait in the queue, in the middle of getting my other DC up and out for school and college. She's getting the bloods done for hormones thank god. If they're clear I'll take her back again and get her counselling and anti d's.

It was quite apparent, I thought, that initially posted this thread as I was upset that I had lost my shit and hated that I felt that way towards her. Quite why people who have not experienced what I have with their DC are being so holier than thou I don't know.

I am not depressed, never have been. Worn down maybe. DH and I don't drink. We are not your parents.

DH was very close with her until she turned into Hulk Smash as well. He used to spend ages doing her hair into tiny plaits, took her away on holidays to his parents while I was at home with the boys, took her and her mates to theme parks and concerts as a teen. Took her to the gym etc. Nothing to blame him for either. He can't talk to her without her going off on one either but she swears at him less and doesn't blame him for stuff like she does me.

It was quite apparent, I thought, that initially posted this thread as I was upset that I had lost my shit and hated that I felt that way towards her.

I think this might be at the crux of the problem - you seem to think you're being very clear, but the responses on this thread should give you pause that you very obviously aren't.
Even your further posts are all about your martyrdom. Whilst I appreciate that this is all hard and sucks and you seem to be at the end of your tether, everything seems to be about you and how you are owed things because of everything you've done as a mother.

Seeing as you seem to think you're being so clear (and yet I can't see anything you've written to suggest any remorse over your hideous username or how you behaved in the OP) so perhaps this breakdown in communication is a big part of the problem? Another poster recommended family therapy, it might be too late for that but I would certainly be embracing the idea.

Firstly HorribleDD you seem to be in a huge amount of pain and desperate. I would not add to that pain nor would I criticise you. As you have said we don't know the reality of your life. It took my son about a year to go from missing school several times a week to passing his exams. He has chosen his own path in life, which is not the traditional path and I support him in that. What I notice from your posts is that although you have done the physical and material things, it seems you can't connect emotionally. If you have been abused by your mother you might find emotional intimacy difficult. I am sure it's not helped by her bad behaviour. However I wonder if she felt supported emotionally as a child in terms of feeling loved, valued, wanted, encouraged and having goals and things to be excited about as well as feeling that she belonged and had a network of people who were there for her?