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Original poster

When he says "I want to just be friends"

67 replies

harrietrred · 13/09/2019 11:06

So I started seeing a guy who had just came out of a messy divorce.
Really liked each other (or so I thought )
Anyway he ended up telling me he wasn't in the right place for a relationship and "let's be friends"
He's just invited me to a concert next. April ...
So I think he does genuinely want to be friends.
Should I agree and see what happens and if it works out it does...go along with a open mind that we are friends.
I still think there is a spark between us.
Would you go?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/09/2019 12:28

If he was just being honest, he wouldn't be annoyed that she was back on POF. He would be pleased that his friend had accepted his decision and was moving on.

Making plans with a new ex-gf friend for April is frankly barking. He's manipulative.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 12:30

Do you think he brought up the just friends thing now because he doesn't want your mutual friends to know you two are 'talking' ?

I'm gonna bet it'll go one of two ways on this holiday - one, he acts aloof with you, hints to others in the group that you have a crush on him and perhaps even flirts with others in front of you. OR two, he is all over you and flirty (perhaps only when you two are alone) but then near the end of the trip he does something to 'remind' you you are NOT together, like touching up some other woman in front of you.

If I were you I'd avoid him on this hold as much as pos, if you have to go at all that is.

ScreamingValenta · 13/09/2019 12:30

Some men use the 'let's be friends' line because they think it's kinder than finishing with someone outright. Others use it to keep their options open. It rarely means 'I don't fancy you but I think you'd make a brilliant mate.'

If you're still attracted to this man I would give the 'friendship' a miss because even if his intentions are honourable, you'll end up having your head messed with.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 12:32

@Loopytiles hi the trip is £280 which I've paid in full and it's non refundable but it's something I've wanted to do for ages so I don't wan to cut my nose to spite my face by not going but if he was to get with someone on the trip I would be hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 12:33

It's just mad because we still talk every day on the phone and we have the same level of contact we did when we were "dating"

OP posts:
Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 12:35

@PicsInRed I didn't even tell him I was thinking /re joining POF he just jumped to the conclusions as I was out.
He was texting me and asking was I going on a POF date.
I said no I'm out with a friend.
It's all weird.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/09/2019 12:39

If this is something you've wanted to do for ages ... keep in mind that doing it with him will likely spoil it and make it miserable.

Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 12:40

Oh dear, OP, do yourself a favour and stop contact.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 12:41

He's keeping you close without having to be committed while isn't unreasonable given he's recently divorced, but don't let him take the mick out of you.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 12:46

I told him I had developed feelings for him and thought of him as more than just a platonic relationship.
So he knows how I feel.
He said it was only ever meant to be a bit of fun and when feelings started he decided to knock it on the head.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/09/2019 13:25

He said it was only ever meant to be a bit of fun and when feelings started he decided to knock it on the head

But he's questioning you about your social life and wondering if you're on POF? None of his business! don't let him use you as a back up shag. Stop the daily contact. He is NOT your friend.

RantyAnty · 13/09/2019 14:47

You've got to shut the door on this. All he's doing is wasting your time every day getting an ego stroke from you as he knows you like him.

The trip, I don't know what it is, but I can see him expecting you to be his shag buddy. Find someone else to go with, perferrable a guy and you still get to go and not be worried about him

No to the April trip. It's just going to drag things out.

Time to put down the hopium pipe as you'll only end up hurt.

Floatingaway · 13/09/2019 14:49

No way! You want more and he doesn't. He probably knows you want more and unfortunately this probably feeds his ego and reassures him that after a divorce he can still get women.

Focus on someone who is worth your time

RRJR · 13/09/2019 14:53

You want him as a boyfriend but he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend

You walk away. You can’t be friends with someone when you want more. It doesn’t work and you end up hurt

Tell him you appreciate your time together, no hard feelings but it’s best you end all contact.

Fuckedoffat48b · 13/09/2019 14:55

If you want to find out if he's jealous then cut him out. If he comes crawling well then, you got what you wanted. If not, then you didn't waste any more time on a gas lighting dick head.

Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 15:06

£280 and missing out on a trip/activity you’d like to do is not actually a very high price to pay to avoid further angst due to spending time with someone who does not reciprocate your feelings or wishes.

You could write it off, cut all contact, and move on.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 15:50

Ive decided I'm not doing the trip or concert
I'm going to say
"I've been open and told you I have feelings for you,I thought you did me but obviously not and that's ok but I can't continue this level of communication,I need to stop speaking to you for my own sanity"
Is this ok?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 15:52

No need to share your angst with him, just say “I wish you well but I no longer wish to be in contact with you, or to join you on the trip”.

SevenStones · 13/09/2019 15:57

I agree. No need to go in depth about why you're cutting communication. You're no longer going out, therefore no need to communicate as you did.

Then you move on.

letsdolunch321 · 13/09/2019 15:58

I agree with pp you tell him I'm not interested in the concert or going on the trip, there is no need for us to chat anymore. See ya

I wouldn't confess how I feel about him. Sounds like he is playing mind games, you owe him absolutely nothing.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 16:03

Yeah don't expose your vulnarbilities to him at all so don't say 'for my own sanity' ect.

Keep it more along the lines of 'we are clearly not on the same wavelength so all the best but cheerio'.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 16:06

Yeah that would make me sound a bit needy wouldn't it
Il just say "I think we should stop speaking now,nothing personal it's just for the best "
Ok ?

OP posts:
WaynettaSlobOnTheSchoolRun · 13/09/2019 16:13

Yes. Then block him in case he tries harder to fuck with your head. A lot of men don't like it when they lose their new toy.

Missillusioned · 13/09/2019 16:20

You could just say that as you are not in a relationship this level of contact is no longer appropriate.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 16:24

In the last 5 days he's sent me 112 messages (yes I counted )
That's just too much contact when I'm trying to get over him.
I don't understand why he texts.

OP posts:
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