When he says "I want to just be friends"

[harrietrred]

So I started seeing a guy who had just came out of a messy divorce.
Really liked each other (or so I thought )
Anyway he ended up telling me he wasn't in the right place for a relationship and "let's be friends"
He's just invited me to a concert next. April ...
So I think he does genuinely want to be friends.
Should I agree and see what happens and if it works out it does...go along with a open mind that we are friends.
I still think there is a spark between us.
Would you go?

NEVER make someone a priority, who treats you as an option.

I don’t know, is it a good concert, one that you’d like to go to anyway? If it is then accept the invitation. If it’s not then don’t, because you’re only doing it because you’re pinning hope on it. There’s gigs I’d sit through for a lover that I wouldn’t for anyone else iykwim.

What you shouldn’t do however is hold out for someone who says they’re not interested in a relationship. That means not giving him your emotional energy, not chasing him in hopes that he’ll change his mind, and definitely not accidentally ending up in bed with him on this holiday.

He’s said he just wants to be friends so believe him. Until and unless he tells you he wants more don’t hope for or expect it. Stay out of his bed, because accidentally on purpose shagging him will only mess with your head. He might think it’s fun to have sex within the context of your friendship but he’s already clear that he doesn’t want it to go any further, but you are not so don’t go there.

I don't understand why he texts.

Because he can. You're a distraction from boredom.

You need to accept that it's not going happen with him, and stop looking for reasons that it might if you keep trying.

He's texting you because he isn't in control of what's going on. You are.

This happened to me years ago op. He was a total headfuck.

In the end I binned him and he was all over me.

It's a game. It's also a bit pathetic and you're better off without

I wouldn't necessarily say he is playing you - I think he he has been straight with you regarding his take on the relationship (he doesn't want a romantic one). I would say he does like you and genuinely wants you as a friend, if he didn't he definitely wouldn't be texting and planning things ahead. You need to decide if you can adjust your views on the relationship and get into the friend zone?

I've been in this kind of situation when I was in my 30's. I had a large friendship group and met lots of people through friends of friends (often on 'messy' nights out). I usually wanted more from the relationship than they did after a while and got the same response as you. At the time it was easier for me to cut contact for a while, but I am friends with 2 ex's in particular now and I do class them a genuine friends. Maybe don't burn your bridge to this particular friendship, but take a bit of time out (without any heartfelt explanations!).

You'll be reet soon lass!

I think some of the comments in this thread in relation to this man are a little harsh. Let’s not forget he has “just come out of a messy divorce” as the OP puts it. Given this, I think it’s understandable his head is not in the right place for a relationship.

Could this be a case that he isn’t ready for a relationship now but wants to keep you in the picture for when he feels ready?

If it is, in my opinion, you shouldn’t put your life on hold OP and wait for him, unless of course this is something you are prepared to do.

Perhaps the lesson here is not to date someone who has just come out of a messy divorce? To be clear, I am not laying any criticism here at you OP, just more of an observation.

I'm sure what I'm about to say is very unPC but I think he is completely playable. He's one of those daft men whose interest dips when yours increases. If you really do want him, you need to play it cooler. Delay replying to his texts. Go on that holiday and be really happy and gregarious but don't pay him too much attention. Show him what he's missing. To the concert, say, 'Yeah, sure, why not?' in a vague way but don't commit. If he asks for ticket money. say, 'Let's book nearer the time. Neither of us really knows what our plans will be by then.'

And do date other people. If he wants you, he can come and chase you, Men like to have to chase. It may not be fashionable to say it, and you don't have to accept it or play up to it, but if you want to, you can.

If you want more than just friends then you have to say to him no. You will always be hoping for more and feel let down.

Give him a chance to get his head together and if it's meant to be then you will find a way to be back together.

I'd say no. I think it would be totally depressing hanging around with a man hoping he'll become interested in you.

Move on and date other people. He's just not that interested.

He's obviously got someone else in mind, but isn't sure it'll work out.

Don't tell him you're tortured. Just become gently emotionally unavailable.

112 messages? He's a bampot op. Totally nuts. Wants you paying him attention 24/7 dancing on his string to his tune. Sack that.

Definitely block him after youve texted goodbye op or he'll keep after you. I like your last text better yes, but saying 'its not you' ...not so much. Because it is him and also because he'll then probably be brazen enough to say 'well why then?' and act like he needs closure ect... Not if you block him though I guess xD

112 messages? He's a bampot op. Totally nuts. Wants you paying him attention 24/7 dancing on his string to his tune. Sack that.

I'd put money on there being 112 messages back!

I have a feeling that when you send that message saying to cut contact, he will suddenly have a change of heart and want to date you, I just have that feeling. Basically what he is doing right now is using you as pseudo girlfriend. All the benefits but no commitment (incase someone else takes his fancy) and you're allowing it.

As soon as this ideal situation for him gets threatened, he'll suddenly be available to date you and he will, for a few months until he wangles you being his 'friend' again.

So send the message then block. It will be the best thing you've ever done. The guy is a piss taker

This a-fucking-gain.

Tenth thread, tenth name change, same topic. Seek a therapist.

I remember hearing this line in my late teens and early 20's. Of course I had already slept with the men by this point. They are not stupid enough to tell you this before you sleep with them.

I would take it as he does not want a relationship. To avoid getting hurt it is best not to continue sleeping with him. If you would struggle with this then consider cutting him off.

I remember feeling cheap and unworthy. I assumed I was not girlfriend material, just good enough to sleep with. It affected my self esteem for years afterwards.

Hmmmm

I think the key thing for me in this situation would be how you met the guy?

Pp said she had exs who ended up friends who were in a fairly big mixed social group where everyone was kind of getting off with each other in a studentish way and that's cool.

What I find a bit weird is people who go online , and then are all "let's be friends " after about two meets?

I dated someone for about 2-3 weeks and we'd spent a couple nights together then it was like suggesting we stayed in touch and went to art exhibitions together

It's not like I was terribly in love with him so that I was upset , or that I don't like going to exhibitions (joint interest) it's just a bit "potentially socially weird"? I mean we hardly knew each other that well.

It felt like he just wanted a harem of personable physically attractive women to do stuff with. Or access to my existing social group (Which cracks me up a bit because I don't really have one due to moving around a lot and working away).

It had Drama Llama mindset all over it. I mean after a certain age you value emotional and social equilibrium and peace more than "random people to do stuff with"

Not necessarily about keeping me on sexual standby but it's like "why not go to Meetup and do things with other men or women you AREN'T physically attracted to or mixed groups if you want friends ?"

It comes across as creepy and shallow and weird - "I want friends I have joint interests with who are also women I'm physically attracted to "

I mean I've been on OD , so obviously if I was pushy enough I could have a collection of "nice guy but I don't want a relationship with him for X reason " types as my "friends".

But those guys are out there to date and mate so I don't want to be having them hanging around and it all being socially awkward.

OP I probably disagree with others here. I’ve recently met someone who I have a ‘spark’ with. In a drunken moment of madness last week we kissed. In an ideal world that would be great but I don’t want a relationship right now. Truly don’t. I really like the guy though and he’s definitely relationship material. I do want him as a friend though. I’m desperately hoping he’s ok with that. I think he will be because he’s had a bit of an awful year too.
My feelings right now don’t mean I’d never want a relationship with him in the future. I might but I don’t know right now. I just don’t have the headspace for a man right now.
Your message to him sounds awful. Don’t be that person. He may well value your friendship, as I do with this man. It really is ok to be friends.
Cut down on the texting though. I never text anyone that many times and it’s hurting you. Just end conversations quickly and stop initiating them. Put your relationship back to a more normal friendship and see how you go.