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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I reply to this text?

999 replies

JaysusWept · 12/09/2019 10:34

Namechanged as I've told my work colleague already about this and I know she lurks on here. (She was absolutely no help - she's probably still laughing about it...)

Background is that I've been single for a couple of years after discovering he was cheating. I have an 8 year old DD.
I am friends with a small group who I have known for a few years - met through kids at nursery/starting school, etc. We do playdates, dinners, drinks out, whatsapp group which is used constantly, helping each other out, etc. We are close and I value all of their friendships.
For the past few weeks I have felt that one of the group, who I shall refer to as C, has been a bit 'off' with me. Nothing I can really put my finger on - I don't always do the drop off and pick ups at school for my DD, but when I have and I've seen C she hasn't chatted with me like she usually would, and 2 weeks ago 4 of us went out for drinks and I felt that there was a bit of an atmosphere when I was talking to her, although she was polite enough. There are people that I am closer to in the group but C and I have always been very friendly and have done many things with just the 2 of us.

Yesterday, I picked up my DD from school and C's husband was there to pick up their DD. The 4 of us walked back together and we stopped outside C's house to finish our chat briefly, before I carried on up the street. C came to the door but didn't come over although she did wave.

At 4pm I received a text from C which read "Doing her usual, all over XXXXX (her husband's name) and doing that stupid fucking laugh of hers" with a couple of angry emoticons.
I replied back "?" and she immediately sent back "Ooops, sorry! That was meant for L (mutual friend in group, but who is very close to C), talking about someone at work! Sorry, just delete!"
I didn't reply to that and almost straight after I received a text from L asking if I was up for a night out next weekend.

C was talking about me, wasn't she? L also wouldn't usually text me about a night out as it would be sent through the whatsapp chat.
I didn't do the drop off this morning, but C has text me (not in whatsapp group) to ask if I fancy going over to hers tomorrow after school with DD.
I'm not sure how best to respond.
Am I being paranoid in thinking that text was about me?

For the record, I don't know C's husband particularly well. I've chatted with him at group things we've attended and a few times we've walked home together if we've done school pick ups as I've got to pass their house on my way home. I am not attracted to him, and nothing untoward has ever happened or would happen, although I may very well have a stupid fucking laugh!

Any advice? I actually feel really fucking weirded out by this.

OP posts:
Daisypie · 12/09/2019 12:58

Tough situation. If you try to talk it out it will get turned against you. If you ignore they will step away. They may already saying to the others in the group that you are 'being weird.'
I think the laugh comment is really hurtful. I would be really upset by this.

Chitarra · 12/09/2019 13:04

I would be really upset by this too. I agree that the problem with stepping away from them is that you lose your friendship group. I guess the only solution is to be polite but distant to C, and stay friendly with the rest of them.

NerdyBird · 12/09/2019 13:04

Ignore them for now; just be busy. Then next time you pick up at the same time as her husband say 'oh I can't walk with you, C already thinks one of her colleagues is all over you, wouldn't her to think that about me!' He'll probably be Confusedand will prob say something to her.

ElspethFlashman · 12/09/2019 13:08

Don't forget, that if she really really starts pushing for a response, and you get backed into a corner, there is always that old passive aggressive standby, the thumbs up emoji.

👍👍👍👍

Says sweet fuck all whilst making them fuck off for a while and leave you alone.

DefinatelyAWeeGobshite · 12/09/2019 13:08

Eejits the both of them. Given that C has texted you asking if you’re okay shows she’s paranoid and knows she/they have fucked up.

I’d just reply really casually later on tonight “yep fine, and you?”

Elspeth has great advice and next time she texts tell her to go raffle her granny Grin

Bookworm4 · 12/09/2019 13:09

The ones who bang on about how wonderful their husband is are usually the insecure ones often with a shit husband.

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 12/09/2019 13:10

I should just text her that her da sells Avon Grin Hahaha!

I've had this done to me, and it is bloody horrible. It made me feel very, very shit. Hugs to you, you devil woman you...

In your case ignore! They would assume they are absolutely shitting it, and yes - trying to gauge your response. Don't be tempted to pretend you believe it really is about a person from work to sweep it under the rug. (You aren't daft and how often is her DH round the girls at C's work anyway?!)
Just do what @ElspethFlashman says... don't confront it, but they know - and you know - exactly how the land lies now... be extra nice to the others in the group and develop those friendships instead.

MagneticSingularity · 12/09/2019 13:11

I like the thumbs up idea, it says nothing yet it says everything.

Derbee · 12/09/2019 13:13

@JaysusWept I think all this passive aggressive nonsense that PPs are suggesting is so immature.

Mumsnet writes people off easily, and in an instant. Not convinced it’s like that in real life.

C shouldn’t have sent that text, but I think everyone has said something mean about someone at some point. The fact that she has been texting you since, means that she feels bad. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t text you.

If you want to be friends with her, and the group then respond to her invitation/text and have a honest conversation face to face. Maybe she’s been feeling insecure about her marriage, and she’s taken it out (WRONGLY) on you. She’s been a bitch about it behind your back, and she feels bad.

There is nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt if you want to stay friends. Nobody is perfect, and she’s clearly in the wrong. However it’s easy for a group of Internet strangers to suggest you write them all off. I’m not convinced you’ll be happier losing the whole group of friends.

It’s something only you can decide, but there IS a way back from this.

diddl · 12/09/2019 13:18

Well unless you carry on pretty much as normal then they'll realise that you know that the message was about you.

It's one thing for C to be nasty because she thinks that you flirt with her husband, but it's quite another for L to be agreeing.

How easy would it be to just be friends with the others of the group?

simplekindoflife · 12/09/2019 13:18

Ok, yes, it's not nice that they've obviously been talking about you, but she's clearly insecure about her husband and as a friend I would try to reassure her.

I would go round tomorrow actually and say something like: thank God it wasn't about me because you know I'd never do something like that don't you? I'm not that kind of person. And I don't fancy your husband at all, just so you know. I'd be really upset and mortified if you were at talking about me.

It will get the point across in a nonconfrontational way.

She could be feeling insecure for a number of reasons. I know you're upset but maybe try lending an ear, she might need some support in her marriage.

Newyearnewme2019 · 12/09/2019 13:19

Personally I would text back to C that " No, not ok at all. I don't believe your story about the wrongly sent text being about someone at work when we both know that you had just seen my talking with your husband, seems like you were bitching to L about me. Then I get a text from you and L asking to meet up away from the others - just seems a bit off and you're not telling me the truth."

Then wait to see what she says - she'll probably come back and deny it which she's going to do anyway but at least you have let her know you have the measure of her and L.

Keep active on the group WhatsApp and see how they behave next time your all together.

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer :)

mummmy2017 · 12/09/2019 13:19

Just send her this.
Hi C , no all good here, had day with old friends so no time to reply.
See you on the school run.

Clangus00 · 12/09/2019 13:22

Aw they’re raging that they’ve been caught!
I second “was it, aye?”.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/09/2019 13:22

If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t text you.

No, she's just been caught slagging off someone (who is supposed to be a friend) and is trying to get herself out of the shit.

Conniedescending · 12/09/2019 13:22

I wouldn't pussy foot around and text back - actually I'm not ok. I'm not daft and know the message was about me. The fact you would think that and talk about me in that way with another friend is very upsetting and I need some time to process

Mia184 · 12/09/2019 13:22

I‘d send the 👍 as Elspeth suggested (and stick to her other advice as well!)

VapeVamp12 · 12/09/2019 13:22

Some of the advice here is very polite! I'd tell her to fuck the fuck off.

Derbee · 12/09/2019 13:25

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy but why should be be trying to get out of the shit if she didn’t care?

Newyearnewme2019 · 12/09/2019 13:27

I also like simplekindoflife thoughts on this to

If C hadn't been "off" with you, and you had received this text....what would you have done? Would you have reacted differently?

If one of my friends had sent this to me and she hdn't been acting any differently with me, I would be doing what simple advised

SBD1 · 12/09/2019 13:28

@HennyPennyHorror Or like me...I just am like that. I don't believe I do it because of societal expectations, I just naturally am more flirtatious with most men, unless they creep me the hell out then I run like the wind bullseye

Fizzysours · 12/09/2019 13:30

I would keep your distance as she sounds a bit horrid. Expand other friendships. Don't bother asking her to discuss it maturely as she likes to bitch behind peoples' backs and won't be honest anyway.

CIareIsland · 12/09/2019 13:30

Is that 3 texts already this morning from C? She sounds v emotionally uncontained - soon on stalkerish territory. Also v poor boundaries - she won’t let you have your time and space - but is insisting by her behaviours that you jump to her timetable to ease her discomfort. You could be in a meeting at work, at an appointment etc

Original poster
JaysusWept · 12/09/2019 13:30

Some good points made, and lots to think about.
I have always got on well with C (until I felt she'd been 'off' the past few weeks) so I am a bit gutted about this and want to give her the chance to explain.
I'm trying to think what happened a few weeks ago that could have prompted this change in her, but can't come up with anything.

I haven't responded to her text yet, but think I will give her a call after work and see if we can speak about it.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 12/09/2019 13:50

I would speak face to face if you can. I'm a single mum and have been on the receiving end of a few suspicious glances/bit of attitude from acquaintances if any men talk to me at baby groups or in the playground. So I'm sure this stings a lot more when it's with actual friends. The thing is, I think the friendship is in trouble anyway because now you remind her of a bitchy thing she's done. The fact C is going OTT in her efforts with contact now shows that she knows it's not you and that she's worried she's upset you. I'd say she must have concerns about her husband for some reason and you've born the brunt of it . I could be totally wrong of course but, in my experience, her own behaviour will now cause a rift as she'll be sore that you've seen that side of her.