How should I reply to this text?

[JaysusWept]

Namechanged as I've told my work colleague already about this and I know she lurks on here. (She was absolutely no help - she's probably still laughing about it...)

Background is that I've been single for a couple of years after discovering he was cheating. I have an 8 year old DD.
I am friends with a small group who I have known for a few years - met through kids at nursery/starting school, etc. We do playdates, dinners, drinks out, whatsapp group which is used constantly, helping each other out, etc. We are close and I value all of their friendships.
For the past few weeks I have felt that one of the group, who I shall refer to as C, has been a bit 'off' with me. Nothing I can really put my finger on - I don't always do the drop off and pick ups at school for my DD, but when I have and I've seen C she hasn't chatted with me like she usually would, and 2 weeks ago 4 of us went out for drinks and I felt that there was a bit of an atmosphere when I was talking to her, although she was polite enough. There are people that I am closer to in the group but C and I have always been very friendly and have done many things with just the 2 of us.

Yesterday, I picked up my DD from school and C's husband was there to pick up their DD. The 4 of us walked back together and we stopped outside C's house to finish our chat briefly, before I carried on up the street. C came to the door but didn't come over although she did wave.

At 4pm I received a text from C which read "Doing her usual, all over XXXXX (her husband's name) and doing that stupid fucking laugh of hers" with a couple of angry emoticons.
I replied back "?" and she immediately sent back "Ooops, sorry! That was meant for L (mutual friend in group, but who is very close to C), talking about someone at work! Sorry, just delete!"
I didn't reply to that and almost straight after I received a text from L asking if I was up for a night out next weekend.

C was talking about me, wasn't she? L also wouldn't usually text me about a night out as it would be sent through the whatsapp chat.
I didn't do the drop off this morning, but C has text me (not in whatsapp group) to ask if I fancy going over to hers tomorrow after school with DD.
I'm not sure how best to respond.
Am I being paranoid in thinking that text was about me?

For the record, I don't know C's husband particularly well. I've chatted with him at group things we've attended and a few times we've walked home together if we've done school pick ups as I've got to pass their house on my way home. I am not attracted to him, and nothing untoward has ever happened or would happen, although I may very well have a stupid fucking laugh!

Any advice? I actually feel really fucking weirded out by this.

I think M and D might not have been aware that K had arranged to meet you for lunch. They could have replied with general chat though.

Oh op, they are so unsupportive. Not the kinda friends you should be sad about losing.

Keep your plans with K and don’t let on your hurt, head up and proud you done fuck all wrong!

OP tbh id post something on the WA group like
"Your silence speaks volumes"
Then leave the group.
Don't go for lunch. It'll be awful for you. I'm sure they'll put on fakey fake niceness but you'll know and it'll be like being on the outside looking in.

I don't have an 8yo so I don't know how easy this is but could you see if she wants to enroll in any new clubs? Now's a great opportunity to let her spread her wings and for you to meet some new parents.

I can't wait for my DS to start school so I can make friends with the parents. I work full time now but work will let me change my hours so I can do pick ups and I'll actually be able to meet people! However, this is worrying me that people can be like this! I though playground gossip ended with the kids...

I would have to approach the H of C next time you see him at school. He could be totally unaware of the whole drama and it would be nice nyeresting to see what he has to say.
Maybe C has made the whole thing up, maybe she feels threatened by you in some way but if he's been made out to have done something he hasn't, then he needs to know.
Or maybe he has been messaged by another woman and has tried to make out it's you and he's the guilty one, in which case he needs to be pulled on it.
It's awful your other friends have not messaged you but maybe they have decided they want to keep out of it and take a step back for the moment?
Large friendship groups are hard work but you sound like a lovely person @JaysusWept and have done nothing wrong. Keep your head held high

The advice to write off K, M, D this early is misguided. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Don’t create more drama.

Be breezy, friendly, head-up. Chat to them. Have lunch. You have done nothing wrong. And speak to H when you can.

Op - if K is a real friend she will be at the lunch on Sunday, if she is weak you may need to prepare for a last minute cancellation. You are just about to find out ever kind of person she really is.
I’d write the others off, they have aired you, and have clearly taken sides.

Your main focus needs to be your dd in my view. I am sure as a grown woman you will cope without them, but dd needs to urgently expand her circle of friends ( is she relies on their dc for friendship) make a plan to invite new friends over. Should this spill into school

Your C is my J!
Honestly they are everywhere. I tied myself in knots to maintain our friendship interestingly also after the breakdown of my marriage only to find out she was bitching behind my back with my now ex H!
I had a lightbulb moment to cut contact but only after I’d moved house and had a fresh start.
Our kids even went to the same school so I know exactly how you feel.
In the long run your life will be so much better without people like her in it, trust me!

It really horrible when you find out your friends were not your friends at all. Doubly difficult if they are only ones you have.
Use this experience to teach your child to have a wide variety of friends (and not to put her eggs on one basket) otherwise she too will be at the mercy of others and their fickle or unkind ways.
Be independent op, help dd do the same. You can turn this into a great life lesson, although I am sure you wish you didn’t have to. Feel for you, really I do

I have been in similar situations OP. I think when you're a single parent at the schoolgates, you're perceived by the really conservative types who live in a fearful way, to have a lower social capital.

When two women that I was in a real life group with fell out, one married, the other single, it was tricky for the rest of the group.

I felt the other single woman had done nothing wrong, she was attacked for her hobby basically, and there was pressure from the woman who was picking on her (imo) to just shun her and exclude her for her crime of standing her ground and standing up for herself.

I was treading a difficult line and I didn't manage to do it  My goal at the time was to stay in the group, but I ended up edged out as well.

But interestingly, another bystander, married, wealthy sahm, popular at the school gates woman - she managed, without possessing any great social skills, to stay friendly with both of them, and stay in the group. But I and the other single woman were dropped. Instantly (her) and edged out (me).

Looking back on it I feel like it was perceived that I had less right to take a stand and do the right thing.

Something that was admirable and ''behoved'' (?) my married wealthy friend seemed like insubordination and a lack of gratitude from me. As though inclusion in to group was something that was bestowed upon me. Not all in the group felt like this I know that! But when the chips were down, the alpha dog wouldn't allow ME to quietly take a stand for what I believed was right, and yet she tolerated that same standard from a married wealthy PTA woman.

So this is why people do nothing I guess. Lesson learned. You rock the boat at your peril. And it can take four years for the dust to settle if you're squeezed out of a group but still value the friendship of some in the group.

I dont' care about that group now. I have a different sort of friendship with 3 out of the other four. It served its purpose at the time. A group of people to have a coffee with.

I do not seem to have groups of friends though. I'm single and people used to ask if i ever met anybody through friends which used to make me sigh internally. I have good friends but I'm not valued in a group. I'm valued by people who have one:to:one friendships with me. I am just accepting it now.

I still hanker after being part of a group that values me though. It's evolutionary! I can't ''hack'' that and make that yearning go away.

Did you get any replies to your messages op?

Yes hoping the others were all busy yesterday and may have replied now?

Agree 31RueCambon this is exactly how it plays out. The pecking order and every woman for themselves.

Reverse out of this bat-shit psycho-drama with dignity. Have zero expectations of the other 3. Get ahead with protecting your DD.

Yep, when I went through similar I was (still am) in a relationship but he hadn’t met the kids. He said to me that if I walked into the playground with him the shit would stop instantly, and I knew he was right.
Seriously women what century is this. An absolute disgrace that single mothers are treated in such a way.
So sorry this has happened op - but you need to widen dd social circle. I know others think it’s dramatic but she needs to be prepared.

What an absolute shower of cüñtš! My advice- f**k them all off and go and meet some nice loyal friends! I've had 'friends' like this in the past and been devastated at the lack of loyalty. Now I have great friends and I don't tolerate any shit anymore! These are grown women acting like bitchy school girls. Wankers 😠 I wouldn't even entertain lunch with them, send a message and tell them exactly what you think of their behaviour, and send Cs DH a message too telling him he's a spineless twat to allow this to happen when he knows it's not true

I'm so sorry this has happened. I sometimes think school gates are worse than the playground!! It might be a good idea to use this opportunity to carve out something for you (not easy as a single mum I know), and though that you'll meet new people, and hopefully some of them will, over time, deserve your friendship way more than any of these. You might have to be super creative - I've just started a book club from my house, and it's attracted exactly the right kind of people who I may end up being friends with in the future.

Seriously women what century is this. An absolute disgrace that single mothers are treated in such a way

It is not just single mothers Steph far from it, it can happen to absolutely anyone. I am married and all the rest and I too had this experience. So I don't think your marital status is always the issue, it stems from jealousy or insecurity usually, and that can be about any number of things.

Also Op, if you do confront dh and it blows up, be careful that you do not end up getting the blame for the end of C's marriage (which might be coming down the track anyway if her behaviour is anything to go by)

You really would be better off to avoid them from now on op and stop talking to them, they have made their positions perfectly clear (if there are still no replies) and that way they will have no ammunition against you. Protect yourself with dignity and silence.

You’re right sailing - just get a bee in my bonnet about single mums sometimes. It can and does happen to anyone.

Morning all!
D replied to my WA message to say that she couldn't make lunch, but that she'll try to catch up with me next week.
No response from K or M...

I'm doing school pick up today (and dreading it already) - will probably see M there, so I'll chat with her then.

Oh god they’re such arseholes aren’t they. They are complicit and I fully suspect at some point C will pull a stunt that affects them and suddenly they’ll be back messaging and wanting to meet.

^^This.
Having read the entire thread, I think you’d be wise to take a step back and definitely not challenge the husband. All that will serve to do is open another can of worms where it’ll be deemed by the others that you’re just trying to shit-stir.

I think it’s awful that your DD may not be invited to group outings, I’m just hoping that the others in the group will not leave your daughter out.

This must be an awful time for you - not knowing who you can or cannot trust, but all you can do on Sunday is deny vehemently you’ve done nothing wrong and then park it. I know it’s not what I’d want to do either as I’d just want to have it out face to face with C and not have to involve others, but that’s not an option right now as it’d probably just make everything worse.

I hope Sunday goes well. Sending these to you and a pile of 💩 to C.

Hope it goes ok today.

Don't forget some big sunglasses - great for masking and 'seeing without being seen'. Invaluable for tricky situations. Good luck - you've done nothing wrong - channel your Markle!!

Odd K hasn't replied, she was your biggest allie hhhmmm It wouldn't bother me to just cut contact if it was just normal bitching but the fact she's spreading nasty lies about you and giving you a bad name would make me want to take her on tbh

Channel my inner Markle and arrive by private jet at the school

I'm actually hoping it's C who's doing pick up and not her husband. If he tries to chat with me, I won't know whether he's actually been shit stirring to C, or whether C has just made up the lies alone. I've no idea what role, if any, he's playing in this.