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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I reply to this text?

999 replies

JaysusWept · 12/09/2019 10:34

Namechanged as I've told my work colleague already about this and I know she lurks on here. (She was absolutely no help - she's probably still laughing about it...)

Background is that I've been single for a couple of years after discovering he was cheating. I have an 8 year old DD.
I am friends with a small group who I have known for a few years - met through kids at nursery/starting school, etc. We do playdates, dinners, drinks out, whatsapp group which is used constantly, helping each other out, etc. We are close and I value all of their friendships.
For the past few weeks I have felt that one of the group, who I shall refer to as C, has been a bit 'off' with me. Nothing I can really put my finger on - I don't always do the drop off and pick ups at school for my DD, but when I have and I've seen C she hasn't chatted with me like she usually would, and 2 weeks ago 4 of us went out for drinks and I felt that there was a bit of an atmosphere when I was talking to her, although she was polite enough. There are people that I am closer to in the group but C and I have always been very friendly and have done many things with just the 2 of us.

Yesterday, I picked up my DD from school and C's husband was there to pick up their DD. The 4 of us walked back together and we stopped outside C's house to finish our chat briefly, before I carried on up the street. C came to the door but didn't come over although she did wave.

At 4pm I received a text from C which read "Doing her usual, all over XXXXX (her husband's name) and doing that stupid fucking laugh of hers" with a couple of angry emoticons.
I replied back "?" and she immediately sent back "Ooops, sorry! That was meant for L (mutual friend in group, but who is very close to C), talking about someone at work! Sorry, just delete!"
I didn't reply to that and almost straight after I received a text from L asking if I was up for a night out next weekend.

C was talking about me, wasn't she? L also wouldn't usually text me about a night out as it would be sent through the whatsapp chat.
I didn't do the drop off this morning, but C has text me (not in whatsapp group) to ask if I fancy going over to hers tomorrow after school with DD.
I'm not sure how best to respond.
Am I being paranoid in thinking that text was about me?

For the record, I don't know C's husband particularly well. I've chatted with him at group things we've attended and a few times we've walked home together if we've done school pick ups as I've got to pass their house on my way home. I am not attracted to him, and nothing untoward has ever happened or would happen, although I may very well have a stupid fucking laugh!

Any advice? I actually feel really fucking weirded out by this.

OP posts:
Flossdancing · 15/09/2019 22:34

How do you know there is another WA group op?

z0fl0ra · 15/09/2019 22:37

Just read this entire friend and all I need to add is fuck off Caroline and L and even K and M and D for not leaving this new bitching group. OP you sound so lovely and not batshit like Caroline and her bitchy little mates and I’m sorry it feels like you’ve lost all your friends but they’re not decent friends anyway, I hope this doesn’t affect your DC’s friendship but I wouldn’t count on it sadly. Women are crazy Confused

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 15/09/2019 22:42

Ugh... sorry to hear there's a new group. V hurtful, I'm sure. You know what though - keep your head up and let the dust settle and the others will cotton on eventually. Karma's not a bitch, it's a mirror... whether you will still be friendly and accepting when they all realise this, well - that's up to you!

incognitomum · 15/09/2019 22:51

Hope you're ok OP?

We're here for you.

Original poster
JaysusWept · 15/09/2019 22:59

I’m in Glasgow, but although it’s a big city the area I’m in seems small with the amount of people that know each other and the gossiping at the school!

K told me about the other WhatsApp group. I do feel let down by them. I can say 100% that if a friend was bitching and drama llaming abut another friend I wouldn’t have cosied up to them. Especially when the other hasn’t provided any of this so called evidence?
They’ve pretty much given C a green light to continue her shite because they’re seemingly entertaining it.
I realise now that I’ve got to be careful with what I say to them. I thought we were friends, but for some reason no one is defending me, and I really have thought about whether it is me that’s the issue for some reason, but I just can’t think of what I’ve done wrong to any of them.

OP posts:
BringTheBounceBack · 15/09/2019 23:03

If they aren’t defending you, they aren’t your friends OP. Tell them to bolt.

Mummymummums · 15/09/2019 23:03

I've only seen this thread today. Seems like they're all revelling in the drama and want to be in the thick of it.
You're right - whilst you haven't asked them to take sides you're the wronged party here and they didn't need to join the new WA group. The other two left that voluntarily and are clearly excluding you by setting up a new group with everyone but you so the others shouldn't entertain it.

familyissue · 15/09/2019 23:04

Does K know you are upset about them joining WA group?

I would try and just stay away from them all. I'd be worried that they may be feeding info back to C.

I think you have handled it really well. I know for sure I would have been more vocal towards C.

Wonderland18 · 15/09/2019 23:06

You’ve not done anything wrong at all. It’s like high school dynamics. C gossips and bitches probably about all of them, but they want to stay on her good side so the others don’t ostracise them too. So they will continue to pander to her.

“First they came for the socialists and I didn’t speak up because I was not a socialist.”

She will come for them eventually.

ChevalierTialys · 15/09/2019 23:15

It really is shit losing a friendship group that means a lot to you. I'm so sorry this has happened OP. It sounds hollow right now but you really are better off without this bitchy nonsense in your life.

Personally I would make sure they knew the truth for the record but then withdraw from all of them, as no one has stood up for you and they have made it clear where their loyalties lie.

Absolom · 15/09/2019 23:37

as no one has stood up for you and they have made it clear where their loyalties lie.

Agree. I have read the whole thing and I am so sorry you're going through this but they will side with the evil one if they have to pick. I wouldn't wipe the other three just yet, but I would be very very cautious. Everything you do and say will be reported back... I'd probably find some way of dropping into the conversation about L having an affair or coming on to Cs husband next time I saw L and C together though.

"L I'm sorry you were caught with Cs husband but you didn't need to use me as your scape goat, everyone knows he's average and boring I don't want people thinking I was desperate enough to steal someone's husband OR stoop that low..."

Has to be to both of them so you can see the recognition on Ls face and the light bulb go off for C.

What an awful childish pair.

saraclara · 15/09/2019 23:38

Maybe the others are using that other WhatsApp group to defend you?

Blondebakingmumma · 15/09/2019 23:52

Can you offer your phone to your friends with the steps to retrieve deleted messages and show them once and for all that this is all in C’s imagination. I’d be fuming, you handling this much better than I would have

Devilrocknroller · 16/09/2019 00:01

Screen shot the messages from her about you sending facebook messages to her husband, and then send them to her husband and ask if he knows what she's carrying on about! If C wants drama, give it to her in her own home! Grin Wink

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 16/09/2019 00:26

Devilrocknroller

That's what I would do.

Grumpelstilskin · 16/09/2019 00:33

You haven’t done anything wrong OP. Sadly, a lot of people are sheep and you only find out their lack of backbone when a situation like this arises. Was single for quite some time after leaving a very abusive ex before I met DH. At the time, I was part of a wider friendship group that didn’t really know my ex. However, being single changed the dynamics for them. I didn’t realise at first but one of the women in that group in particular, increasingly made more of a show of being OTT tactile with her DP in front of me. I could not put my finger on it but the women seemed bit more cliquey, which gradually got more obvious and seemed designed to make me feel ostracised as the only single in the group. The one who virtually dry humped her dude whenever she saw me, then did get very shrill after some drinks and accused me of trying to get off with her man. I wasn’t close to that guy at all, never spoke to him alone and only met him along with others at some parties. I would never get off with anyone’s partner, even if they weren’t friends, as I would not trust that sort of many in the first place. Since I was so publicly and completely unfairly attacked, I told her that I would rather sit on my finger than go near her man and have damn side higher standards. Others were not much of a support, citing ‘the not wanting to take sides’ bullshit and it left a bitter aftertaste because the whole thing was totally one-sided. It’s such a bloody cop-out because essentially no one stood up for me and called out the bullying. I disengaged with everyone, as I felt I deserved better friends. I reckon once you identify and abusive relationship, you also become aware of similar unhealthy dynamics with so-called friends. Nowadays, I have some very dear, individual friends and keep a bit of distance to bigger social groups.

nzeire · 16/09/2019 01:00

I am so disappointed in that update. Arseholes.

incognitomum · 16/09/2019 01:20

There's plenty of mumsnetters in Glasgow if you fancy meeting them.

hittheroadjack1 · 16/09/2019 01:31

If they're in the WhatsApp group, they've probably stayed out of fear of being the next target.

C is a crazy bastard by the sounds of it.

ValerianV · 16/09/2019 02:46

Holy fuck! I was one of the posters saying keep a dignified silence - that was before the FB messages update. I would certainly be getting to the bottom of this and would be involving her DH too.

She is unhinged and when she dug a hole for herself and got caught, instead of climbing out she just kept on digging deeper. What a fucking mess OP.

When my friend's H was cheating it turned her into a paranoid wreck, she would have been capable of doing something like this.

Winterlife · 16/09/2019 02:52

There is nothing gained from including her husband. OP will come across as unhinged as C.

pictish · 16/09/2019 06:31

That they’re in the other fb group doesn’t mean anything really. They got added and we all know how pointed it seems if you leave immediately. This is still all very fresh, give these women time to process what has occurred between their two friends before judging them as poor friends. It’s what happens in the next days, weeks...even months that will reveal how this has panned out.

You do get these poisonous self-serving cunts. I was the victim of one over 20 years ago. I introduced a new friend to my social circle and within a year she had caused me untold shit, targeting my closest friends and deftly turning them against me all wide-eyed and victim-like. I, in my youthful ignorance, spotted her game plan and called her out on it...which she immediately used against me so I appeared jealous, paranoid etc. It was a horrible time. I ended up moving away from my home town and fucking them all off.

You’ve been unlucky OP...you have unwittingly become the victim of a bad soul. She’ll stamp right over you to get what she wants. I hope your friends turn out to be better friends than mine. Time will tell.

As an asides, people often describe this sort of scenario as ‘schoolgirl’, ‘childish’, ‘playground’ - and I can see why...but in my experience, both my own and other people’s, this sort of crap happens at any age or stage.

ChevalierTialys · 16/09/2019 07:14

You do get these poisonous self-serving cunts. I was the victim of one over 20 years ago. I introduced a new friend to my social circle and within a year she had caused me untold shit, targeting my closest friends and deftly turning them against me all wide-eyed and victim-like. I, in my youthful ignorance, spotted her game plan and called her out on it...which she immediately used against me so I appeared jealous, paranoid etc.

This happened to my sister. She let a "friend" move in with her as the friend was having problems with some local people in her own area (being threatened and attacked etc). Sister introduced friend to her circle and all her local people, friend then went on a campaign to turn everyone against my sister. Even tried it with me and our other sisters. Hmm

Some people are just bizarrely vicious and nasty and there's really no accounting for them.

MyOtherProfile · 16/09/2019 07:29

Just rtft. So sorry. I had someone in my close group of friends stir trouble against me years ago and it's really upsetting. She shot herself in the foot by then doing it to someone else so people began to see there was a pattern, however it was really horrible at the time. I focussed on making new friends both for me and my dc, and came out of it much better off. I hope you can too.

pictish · 16/09/2019 07:36

I think my ex-friend was driven by competition. She was a competitive person and because I introduced her to the group, I think she felt she wasn’t really a true member of it until she replaced me.