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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How should I reply to this text?

999 replies

JaysusWept · 12/09/2019 10:34

Namechanged as I've told my work colleague already about this and I know she lurks on here. (She was absolutely no help - she's probably still laughing about it...)

Background is that I've been single for a couple of years after discovering he was cheating. I have an 8 year old DD.
I am friends with a small group who I have known for a few years - met through kids at nursery/starting school, etc. We do playdates, dinners, drinks out, whatsapp group which is used constantly, helping each other out, etc. We are close and I value all of their friendships.
For the past few weeks I have felt that one of the group, who I shall refer to as C, has been a bit 'off' with me. Nothing I can really put my finger on - I don't always do the drop off and pick ups at school for my DD, but when I have and I've seen C she hasn't chatted with me like she usually would, and 2 weeks ago 4 of us went out for drinks and I felt that there was a bit of an atmosphere when I was talking to her, although she was polite enough. There are people that I am closer to in the group but C and I have always been very friendly and have done many things with just the 2 of us.

Yesterday, I picked up my DD from school and C's husband was there to pick up their DD. The 4 of us walked back together and we stopped outside C's house to finish our chat briefly, before I carried on up the street. C came to the door but didn't come over although she did wave.

At 4pm I received a text from C which read "Doing her usual, all over XXXXX (her husband's name) and doing that stupid fucking laugh of hers" with a couple of angry emoticons.
I replied back "?" and she immediately sent back "Ooops, sorry! That was meant for L (mutual friend in group, but who is very close to C), talking about someone at work! Sorry, just delete!"
I didn't reply to that and almost straight after I received a text from L asking if I was up for a night out next weekend.

C was talking about me, wasn't she? L also wouldn't usually text me about a night out as it would be sent through the whatsapp chat.
I didn't do the drop off this morning, but C has text me (not in whatsapp group) to ask if I fancy going over to hers tomorrow after school with DD.
I'm not sure how best to respond.
Am I being paranoid in thinking that text was about me?

For the record, I don't know C's husband particularly well. I've chatted with him at group things we've attended and a few times we've walked home together if we've done school pick ups as I've got to pass their house on my way home. I am not attracted to him, and nothing untoward has ever happened or would happen, although I may very well have a stupid fucking laugh!

Any advice? I actually feel really fucking weirded out by this.

OP posts:

Original poster

JaysusWept · 14/09/2019 20:07

She’s completely trying to turn everything round on me. She won’t show any FB messages because there are none. Even K, M and D must realise that because they would have been shown by now. They can remain friends with her all they like, but I wouldn’t give her the steam off my piss now.

OP posts:

RunningOutOfCharacte · 14/09/2019 20:07

Sorry op. She's in it too deep to admit she's fucked up. And she won't fess up now. But I always say at least you found out now rather than later. You're way better off without her.

Also I knew a mum who always had 'the gossip' on the school parents. God all the mums who were having affairs etc. Trust me it didn't reflect badly on the mums she mentioned. At all. I just stayed the fuck away from her.

Ahardknocklife · 14/09/2019 20:10

C is bonkers. I actually laughed at her acusing you of being a victim. I wouldn't be able to hold back on that and would be replying telling her you'll ensure everyone knows what a liar and how full of bullshit she is. That I look forward to receiving evidence and then I'd actually get on to my solicitor and pay to have the letter issued to her. I hope you don't live in a small town / village. This could really give you the wrong kind of reputation!

BumbleBeee69 · 14/09/2019 20:10

She's actually UNSTABLE OP... Totally freaking nuts

Original poster

JaysusWept · 14/09/2019 20:14

@loobylou10 She genuinely never behaved like this before! The kinder part of me thinks that maybe her husband is having an affair or she suspects he is and she’s being driven mad with paranoia and actually does believe I have something to do with it. As someone who has been cheated on, I know very well how the suspicion can almost rip you apart. However, I think it may just be that she’s a troublemaking drama bitch who got caught out bitching about me and has been forced to concoct a backstory to try to make herself look less bad to our friends.

Either way, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it now. If this is who she really is, then she’s no loss to me.

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 14/09/2019 20:14

Block and rise above

MadeForThis · 14/09/2019 20:18

She'll just claim that her DH deleted the photos. Probably create a whole saga about how he was so disgusted.

Will be interesting to see how he behaves on the school run.

MarshaBradyo · 14/09/2019 20:19

That text and emoji is rage-inducing you poor thing, so irritating.

Btw I suspect she is not being driven mad by guessing etc she is game playing hence the crying with laughter.

Sod her. What a nightmare.

saraclara · 14/09/2019 20:20

If I saw him, I'd go up to him and ask wtf happened.

"I walked home with you the other day and now all hell's broken loose and my name's being dragged through the mud. What on earth is going on?"

yabadabadontdoit · 14/09/2019 20:20

Batshit. Have you ss those texts to the group?

Expo · 14/09/2019 20:25

Omg she is AWFUL!!! ‘Just like you to play he victim’. What kind of a statement is that. You ARE the victim!!! She wrote some horrible text about you to a mutual friend which she accidentally sent to you. Then she accused you of doing something you didn’t do. And now she is accusing you of playing the victim.

And now she is accusing you of turning the friend group away from her when all you are doing is defending your reputation.

Omg she has a mental health issue. Toxic.

Mia184 · 14/09/2019 20:32

OP, enjoy a glass of wine and ignore any other messages from her. 🍷

sauvignonblancplz · 14/09/2019 20:32

Madder than a box of frogs !
Just to spin her on her head, bit of lippy, low cut top, laugh your fucking laugh all the louder at school pick up.
I’d rather be mates with the mysterious woman all the other women are scared of than the insecure women gossiping.
Hold your head high , show them you don’t give a fuck and give them something to talk about.
Bunch of witches !

BookwormMe2 · 14/09/2019 20:38

She has no bloody shame! To send a response like that, all I can think is that she HAS found some messages to her husband – but they've been sent from a FB account with a pseudonym and she's convinced herself you set it up with the sole purpose of going behind her back to seduce him. My money's still on L being behind it.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/09/2019 20:41

Omg she has a mental health issue. Toxic.

No she doesn't, necessarily. Your second sentence has it right.

She's reading the script from the abuser's manual off pat (I'm sure there is one somewhere, as abusers all seem to follow the same pattern. And she's one of them). This woman has DARVO down to a fine art. Step 1: denial. She says 'my shitty message was about a woman at work'. OP doesn't buy it. So she executes step 2: attack. Flounces from the WA group, causing maximum drama and manipulating her desired result of everyone else asking her what her problem is, so that she can get her version in first. Very sneaky. Then comes step 3: reverse victim and offender. She replaces OP's role as victim of her bloody nasty text, with herself now in the role as victim of a relentless femme fatale who is trying not only to seduce her husband but also to turn her friends against her. Oh, woe is her. Icing on the cake: trying to negate OP's version of reality and replace it with her own fantasy (gaslighting).

Really, what a piece of work. That sentence 'just like you to play the victim' is very, very telling, because DARVO is a pattern that anyone who's ever navigated a friendship/relationship with an abuser can recognize from a mile away.

This woman is ingenious at it.

SkinRash · 14/09/2019 20:46

My goodness she's a nutter. She also absolutely loathes you. She's created a shit storm of lies and is now twisting things so you end up friendless.

Block her. Definitely tell her husband.

I'd probably actually let the school know too as someone's toxic like this will likely spread shit to her kid as well which may result in your child getting bad treatment in school.

pictish · 14/09/2019 20:46

“However, I think it may just be that she’s a troublemaking drama bitch who got caught out bitching about me and has been forced to concoct a backstory to try to make herself look less bad to our friends.“

100% bang on the money. That’s precisely it. I’d bet my last tenner on it.
May she reap what she has sown, the malicious prick.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/09/2019 20:47

NB: if this is what 'C's husband has to live with, I'm not surprised he's apparently having an affair. Now I'm not one to commend infidelity in any circumstances. But I commend emotional abuse a damned sight less.

Gollyfot · 14/09/2019 20:50

They’re not your friends .
Tell this stupid paranoid woman that you are quite happy in your own life and have no interest in her husband.

Then find some new friends

itswinetime · 14/09/2019 20:51

Her story is inconsistent as ever instead of saying to you please top messaging my husband she's asking you to stop causing trouble with the other friends. When she is the one who left the group and she is the one who started the fb message story. Her lies will be her own undoing keep all messages block her and only speak about the whole situation if directly told by someone else a lie that has been told about you so you can defend yourself otherwise stay silent and watch the whole thing unravel around her!

diddl · 14/09/2019 20:53

"This woman is ingenious at it."

Yes-she's probably saying to the others that she doesn't understand it.

She told Op that the message wasn't about her, & why would it be it-Op's never all over her husband- is she???

pictish · 14/09/2019 20:58

I’d reply once more.

“I AM the victim you fucking weapon. I’m the victim of your bitching, false accusations and outright lies. You got caught out and concocted this whole bullshit backstory so you’d look less like the nasty prick you are, when you fucked up and sent the text bitching about me, to me.
Tough fucking shit.

Now fuck off.

Expo · 14/09/2019 21:00

@MarielVanArkelStinks

Brilliant!!! You are absolutely right! However I would say that any abuser that does this has a mental health issue. It’s not normal.

strawberry2017 · 14/09/2019 21:03

Classic manipulator, she has royally f**ked up and instead of admitting her mistake she try's to turn it on to you.
I don't blame you for replying, you have put up with a lot from her through no fault of your own. Anger sometimes gets the best of us.
She will get found out eventually and I agree with the others can't help but feel L is more involved then she's letting on!
Stay strong!

familyissue · 14/09/2019 21:05

Wow I'm gobsmacked!

Id be intrigued to find out if her husband knows what is going on?

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