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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I reply to this text?

999 replies

JaysusWept · 12/09/2019 10:34

Namechanged as I've told my work colleague already about this and I know she lurks on here. (She was absolutely no help - she's probably still laughing about it...)

Background is that I've been single for a couple of years after discovering he was cheating. I have an 8 year old DD.
I am friends with a small group who I have known for a few years - met through kids at nursery/starting school, etc. We do playdates, dinners, drinks out, whatsapp group which is used constantly, helping each other out, etc. We are close and I value all of their friendships.
For the past few weeks I have felt that one of the group, who I shall refer to as C, has been a bit 'off' with me. Nothing I can really put my finger on - I don't always do the drop off and pick ups at school for my DD, but when I have and I've seen C she hasn't chatted with me like she usually would, and 2 weeks ago 4 of us went out for drinks and I felt that there was a bit of an atmosphere when I was talking to her, although she was polite enough. There are people that I am closer to in the group but C and I have always been very friendly and have done many things with just the 2 of us.

Yesterday, I picked up my DD from school and C's husband was there to pick up their DD. The 4 of us walked back together and we stopped outside C's house to finish our chat briefly, before I carried on up the street. C came to the door but didn't come over although she did wave.

At 4pm I received a text from C which read "Doing her usual, all over XXXXX (her husband's name) and doing that stupid fucking laugh of hers" with a couple of angry emoticons.
I replied back "?" and she immediately sent back "Ooops, sorry! That was meant for L (mutual friend in group, but who is very close to C), talking about someone at work! Sorry, just delete!"
I didn't reply to that and almost straight after I received a text from L asking if I was up for a night out next weekend.

C was talking about me, wasn't she? L also wouldn't usually text me about a night out as it would be sent through the whatsapp chat.
I didn't do the drop off this morning, but C has text me (not in whatsapp group) to ask if I fancy going over to hers tomorrow after school with DD.
I'm not sure how best to respond.
Am I being paranoid in thinking that text was about me?

For the record, I don't know C's husband particularly well. I've chatted with him at group things we've attended and a few times we've walked home together if we've done school pick ups as I've got to pass their house on my way home. I am not attracted to him, and nothing untoward has ever happened or would happen, although I may very well have a stupid fucking laugh!

Any advice? I actually feel really fucking weirded out by this.

OP posts:
sailingclosetothewind · 13/09/2019 07:48

This is why I prefer individual friendships to girl groups, so much easier to have a meaningful friendships when it is one to one.

Deathraystare · 13/09/2019 08:06

You could text her eventually whenever you are going past her house. "Warning, me and my annoying laugh are just going past your house. Oh- is your husband free ?"

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 08:10

I wonder if she's had some issues with her husband in the last few weeks, rather than it actually being an issue with you? Maybe her saying "I'll talk to you later" is because he came home and she's going to need a shoulder to cry on soon.
Maybe she left the group because she can't handle things at the moment.

This might not be the case but don't do anything passive-aggressive. Give her some time. She'll either contact you or she won't.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 13/09/2019 08:11

Sorry op, they sound rubbish.

hopeishere · 13/09/2019 08:18

She may have had some issue amlthough but the word again and "that annoying laugh" indicate this isn't the first time the OP has been discussed in this way.

MarshaBradyo · 13/09/2019 08:20

Yep I’d cool off completely don’t feed the drama they’ll love it

MarshaBradyo · 13/09/2019 08:20

Whatever you do don’t text

sailingclosetothewind · 13/09/2019 08:21

I suspect Op's 'friend' has many many issues, so what? That does not give you a free pass to be spiteful to people.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 08:31

Sorry @hopeishere I meant that the message could be about someone else entirely and her reaction could be due to any issues she might have at the moment, rather than an attack on OP.

Ozziewozzie · 13/09/2019 08:39

I spent a good few years single by choice after a rough divorce. I found all the time that people made the assumption I was on the prowl for a man, or they felt sorry for me or I was a husband pinching vixen. People always tried to set me up and sometimes I was convinced it was to ‘make me less available ‘ to make them feel more comfortable.
I wouldn’t throw a friendship away over it though. I agree, she’s been a nelly, but insecurity can feel awful and can overtake rational thinking.
Personally I would just text (as that’s the platform for this conversation)
‘Blooming heck, it looked very much as though that message was for me seeing as I’d walked home with your husband!! So relieved it’s not. Dying to know who you meant though. I’ve been there remember. Why can’t people just leave other people’s partners alone. I’d love to meet up for that drink. Sounds like you need to talk xx

Expo · 13/09/2019 09:12

@ozziewozzie you have missed the whole story!!!

CIareIsland · 13/09/2019 09:47

I am so sorry OP that this has happened to you. Do think long term now. What’s most important now is that you do not let this petty incident erode your social confidence and network.

Please accept that C and L are “mean girls” and they don’t play by our normal social rules. Do be careful with the dynamic here you can’t win through rational chats etc. These types have fragile egos and fake fronts - if they feel that you will expose this they do the whole attack and escalation process. So don’t poke the nest.

You have been through more than they have and are wiser and stronger for it. Just do the breezy distant thing and keep close to the other members.

Original poster
JaysusWept · 13/09/2019 10:06

Thanks for all of your messages.

I didn't do the drop off this morning at school, although I will be doing the pick up.

I haven't replied to any of the WA chat, although it has been red hot Hmm
I woke up this morning to discover that L has also left the group chat...
Several messages from K, M and D very bemused, wondering what's going on.
It appears that K, M and D have all tried to contact C and L individually but have had no response.
I haven't replied to any of the WA messages because what the hell do I say!?

But it probably looks dodgy that I'm the only person not to have sent a message to the group, so I really am being made out to be the bad one here.
K, M and D haven't attempted to contact me individually - all chat is going through the WA group - which I have muted!

What an absolute carry on Hmm

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/09/2019 10:11

I think in light of what's happened I may be tempted to give the remaining group members a bit if info about what's happened.

You can phrase it like; this is the text and what happened, I've no idea of it was for me or not (that's up to you guys to decide), I've spoken to C about it, but didn't really get anywhere and now she's disappeared, I'm as bemused as everyone else as to what's going on. That way you can look confused and let people make their own minds up. The other two flouncing off is typical 'don't look at me, but I want you all to chase me'
behaviour to deflect what they did

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 10:16

^ What @WhoKnewBeefStew suggested.

It's the truth and you have done nothing wrong.

forumdonkey · 13/09/2019 10:18

You called her out on it and I bet she's now embarrassed. Unfortunately she's now creating a drama. Your best course of action was and still is to keep a dignified silence. I suspect however that she will feel she has to justify herself and will point the finger at you in some way.

5LeafClover · 13/09/2019 10:18

I would go on the group and say. It seems that C thinks I'm after xxxxx . I'm not interested in him and have never been into friends partners. No exceptions. I'm not sure what else to say apart from that I've always valued this group and all of you. Hope to see you later.

I don't think you can say nothing. Good luck for this afternoon.

maz7777 · 13/09/2019 10:22

You should say something. I'm not sure what complete silence achieves with the other women in the group.

CIareIsland · 13/09/2019 10:30

Agree with the dignified silence - it will blow over. But if it doesn’t you have the evidence on your phone and she knows this.

If push came to shove you could SHOW texts to the others, one on one if they asked you directly what was going on and maybe play it down about how petty it is was - is your not that bothered.

But don’t text it to anyone. The others will know what kind of character she is already even if you don’t realise this.

So bright and breezy - just get through today!

combatbarbie · 13/09/2019 10:31

Not putting anything in group chat is going to look odd. If they have both left just put it straight, you received a message from c intended for L slagging you off and you called C on it.

They will make of that what they want.... And take it from there as I have no doubt that C and L are currently victim blaming outside of the group chat

CIareIsland · 13/09/2019 10:36

Honestly don’t put anything on the group chat it will be shared and every comma and full stop scrutinised for tone.....you don’t know what alliances there are between the other 3 and the two that have flounced off.
Some people will love to jump in on the drama and you would be handing them ammunition. It’s the whole queen bee and wannabes dynamic.

But do show it to them.

AhNowTed · 13/09/2019 10:41

OP who are you closest to, K M or D?

I would call one of them and explain your bemusement. It will get around to the other two.

Honeyroar · 13/09/2019 10:42

I'd just say that you received a slightly upsetting message from C that seemed to be about you, but she immediately messaged again was about someone else and shouldn't have been sent to you. Say you rang to discuss it and see if all was ok, but C was a little defensive, said everything was fine and she had to go. Then she later left the chat. Say you're baffled as to what's going on.

Wonderland18 · 13/09/2019 10:43

I think I’d tell them, it’s pretty likely that C or L will start a group chat with them all except you and spin it some horrid way.
Some women are just spiteful like that.

MarshaBradyo · 13/09/2019 10:44

I’d just leave it and let the texter stew

Whatever you say will fan the flames and no doubt she’s the type to dine on the drama for ages